Imagine cooking with me. No, more idiot sandwich.

I can recognize a link to Never Gonna Give You Up by the address now without clicking through which proves evolutionary adaptability

Sexual lubriCAN…don’t be fucking negative.

Macaroni and cheese noises and chill?

If you glue a scab back on does it still work or has it lost its magical healing powers?

#LastFourWatched #LetterboxdFriday #filmsky Remarkably Bright Creatures ★★★ Beast (2026) ★★★½ boxd.it/enqIYZ Modern Whore ★★★ The Super Mario Galaxy Movie ★★½

greg los miller? What ever happened to that guy

[finger hurts] Me: hmm weird [realizes it’s from holding my phone too much] Me: hmm weird indeed

Making a finisher pack instead. For the winners.

don’t care who plays the next James Bond but I *would* like them to return to that thing where they name the female lead something like ‘Arreola Pussylobos’ or whatever

Found the problem... it was me... putting it back

No need to ask for my permission first, you can just add me to your starter pack

My gas tank just asked if there’s a payment plan?

Sorry, can't. I'm taking the 9pm groovy train to funky town for the weekend. The Farm - Groovy Train #90sAlt #music

“Fuck the pain away” is horrible advice for dealing with sciatica

My love language is posting silly cat videos in your replies

[during sex] interviewer: any other weaknesses?

I don’t want closure I want comeuppance

me when my clever joke I spent an hour on gets 4 likes vs. me when my pizza pic I spent no time on gets 400 likes

Project Hail Mary Jane amiright?

Ever since they opened the Chili’s™️ in Roku City the food scene has really suffered in the neighborhood

it was actually obi-juan kenobi

Panic! I'm locked in a Costco

Extremely frustrated to learn that having potential is not the same as choosing not to do things

Trying not to step on cracks to break my mother’s back but it’s just me avoiding your butthole skeets.

The five stages of burnout but it's just me saying "I'm fine" with increasing volume

I have discovered the secret to living más at home

Show me a place of business described as "we're like family here" and I'll show you an HR department that has seen some things

I like my coffee the way I like my womans tiddies... perky and in my mouth before 8am

You might call me spineless, but it was my choice to become an invertebrate so you're only pointing out the obvious.

No thanks. I'm too busy Lucille Ballmaxxing.

A joke isn't really a dad joke... until it's fully groan.

the average american eats 14 pounds of ranch dressing a week

revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate

For the record, I've thought about ALL the different ways I might die: Coronary Cancer Car accident Chihuahua Zombies Old age Zombie chihuahuas Being too handsome A semi hauling lumber Banana peel Clown in the shower Posting too hard Don't ever let my obituary read "passed away unexpectedly."

They changed the texture and flavor of my favorite tortilla chips. Is there nothing enshittification won't touch?! I scream to no one.

I need time zones on people's profiles so I can lurk their timeline when they're awake not when they're sleeping bc that would be creepy

Why did they call them Kegels when Puss-Ups was right there in front of them?

The humping shouldn’t be dry for very long if you do it right.

Hey Amazon/MGM, I found your new James Bond... Ben Radcliffe Saw him recently in Fackham Hall and he's got the charisma and the acting chops. No need to compensate me but I will accept a lifetime subscription to Amazon Prime.

i made a little birdhouse in my soul and now the ceaseless chirping torments me so

Playing Russian roulette I put it all on red.

I've run the numbers and if my calculations are correct I've got about 157 more jokes in me before I disappear into the ether

“Easy Come, Easy Go!” I bellow as I toss that premature ejaculator to the curb

The orange I just bit into squirted all over my phone and it reminded me of my ex because she too would occasionally spray acid directly into my eyes

I've made my bed, I'll die in it I've made my bed, I'll cry in it Hole - Miss World #90sAlt #music

You would think NASA would tell us if space was actually square shaped like the podcast ads say it is

life is a joke and I'm the butt

Maybe the real Greg the Miller was the los we met along the way

reply guy in the streets, reply guy in the sheets