16yo: Dad, did you know it's a myth that you can catch-up on sleep? Me: You also can't mustard on sleep 16yo: Uggggggh

ME: *throws a fried chicken breast and it returns like a boomerang* KFC INTERVIEWER: *presses intercom button* holy shit larry get in here

Hi Offspring, I just got your voicemail. Were you able to keep em separated?

“Dump the shares, every last one, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Hold on Marty, I’ve got another call. Hi Jane, listen, call Frank and let him know I’m running late. Yeah, Mom got us lost again. Just tell him I had to stop for a diaper change or something, thanks. Sorry Marty, I’m back.”

Why say it was Bilbo's parents procreating rather than say that it was Hobbit forming?

I told my mom my son qualified for CIFs this year, and he definitely doesn't get that from our side of the family. She replied, "Well, I got second place in a race once. (Only two people in the race though)"

When I had my first child I looked at my mom and said I didn’t think I could love another person this much and she laughed and said yeah, now you get it. Happy Mother’s Day weekend

Delicious if literal: ham-fisted

It’s amazing how my son predicts every game correctly that I watch on delay. He SWEARS he hasn’t seen the score. I either need to get him a polygraph test or a ticket to Vegas.

[to a crying child] it’s gonna get so much worse, kid

i like to sleep with my feet hanging off the bed so the monster under it has to smell my feet

Check yourself before you Shrek yourself

Her: What the fuck is wrong with you? Me: So many things. Soooooo many things.

If I had mind control, I would use it to make people bring me snacks.

look, im doing the best i can ok - me giving approximately 25%

I’m not journaling, I’m trying to slowly destroy this pen using words. It’s complicated.

At FedEx do they celebrate Kinkos de Mayo?

If we’re in an emergency and I need to get something out of the suitcase in a hurry, the best I can do is expand it and then unexpand it.

My dad turns 80 this year and my oldest son turns 30. Its getting harder and harder to pretend I am in my 40s.

Vampires are immortal but they'll never be able to eat garlic bread and that's sad.

i put my phone on dark mode and now it won’t stop listening to The Cure

Her: Your last post was terrible. Me: There’s plenty more where that came from.

I have grievously depleted my strategic cookie reserves.

My son had friends over. They had a bunch of snacks and drinks. Everyone left the table except one kid, who cleared it and started washing the dishes by hand! I stopped him and said I'll do it. Later, I let my son know that kid can over any time. He can even move in if he wants.

the Sacramento zoo has 6 BABY CAPYBARAS

When you become okay with buying clothes from Costco, the second half of your life begins

You have to understand, a lot of things seemed extreme to us in the 90s. It was a more innocent time.

"Here's mud in your eye" I say while raising my glass and flinging mud in your eye

As every Star Trek fan knows, Dr. McCoy is a simple "country doctor" So he really should have been played by Karl Rural

Good morning BlueSky 💙

It must be horrifying to experience sudden violence in a place where you should feel safe. Like kids at school

“I’m not one to judge” TRANSLATION: Here comes the judgy part!

If you say "Happy Earth Day!" to someone and they don't say it back that's how you can tell they're an alien

When you’re just a little too clingy

People who learn from their mistakes have no sense of adventure.

Somebody who doesn’t know how calendars work showed up for Easter this morning

Come and screenshot me to my face

I really need to stop telling lies to try and impress people. Now my date wants to see photos of me as a newborn with a full set of teeth.

What if there were a reverse tooth fairy who implants extra teeth in your mouth while you sleep?

I’d rather stay home and do lines of Girl Scout cookies

I would do well as a Jeopardy! contestant if before responding to a clue I could spend a couple of minutes saying, “It’ll come to me.”

Being married is easy, I don't know why people complain about it. All you have to do is ask what your partner needs, actually listen to the answer, then figure out how you're going to train a variety of woodland creatures to put ancient curses on their enemies. It's literally so simple.

I hate the world and want everyone else to as well - first guy to make cauliflower pizza

I'm sad and want everybody else to be sad too - first guy to make cauliflower rice

[inventor of spaghettios on their death bed] they were always... (labored breathing) ...spaghetti zeros

Not to sound pretentious but Pinot Grigio pairs well with lucky charms

If there is a heaven , you’ll be able to hug bees and talk about life with dogs, giraffes, and sloths

[team meeting] boss: ok, let's roundtable your ideas on leveraging AI to optimize our synergy in the global marketplace me:

My face when I’m watching the news.