Robert Knop
@fatherwithtwins.bsky.social
đ€ 584
đ„ 153
đ 206
Big fan of my 13yo twin boys and my wife. Level 10 dad jokester.
pinned post!
My parents are âoh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterdayâ years old
over 2 years ago
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RiotGrlErin
about 17 hours ago
muppet movie posters: thread
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John Lyon
2 days ago
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings. Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms. Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
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John Lyon
3 days ago
Another unrealistic body standard for women.
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Candy Elliott
4 days ago
Nothing brings a couple closer than overhearing another couple fight at the next table.
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Midge
17 days ago
the origin story of the cabbage patch kids is terrifying
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle
5 days ago
I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.
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đđŠđđđđ đŸđŠđŁđ
7 days ago
If YouTube didnât run 30 second ads before showing âHeimlich Maneuverâ Iâm sure my date tonight wouldâve asked me out again.
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đșCatđș
7 days ago
There must be some unwritten rule that smoke detectors have to start malfunctioning at night. To ensure that at least one person in the house is asleep.
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fredesque
16 days ago
[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years
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DaddyJew
8 days ago
Them: your days are numbered Me: all days are numbered, itâs called a calendar ya dumbass
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Mary
9 days ago
Two slices of swiss cheese in a little plastic bowl as an on-the-way-to-work snack in the sunny car was such a bad call.
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Jack
10 days ago
I donât want to play any game that requires me to put skin into it.
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Emma Bolden
10 days ago
your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.
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alexis simpson
9 days ago
can't believe Salvador DalĂ left all those clocks out in the sun like that smdh
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Greg the Miller
9 days ago
i donât trust most of you to sit in the emergency exit row
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presentdadđđ»ââïž
10 days ago
THEM: awww you have a cute red head baby ME: oh no thatâs cheeto dust
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Daisy
13 days ago
The hotel I stayed at in Boston text me that they want me to visit again. Like omg, so obsessed with me.
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jordan [ham]
over 1 year ago
donât forget to set your clocks back to a better time in your life.
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Pru Normal
12 days ago
This is a great time of year for people who go to bed at 5:00
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FáȘáą á©áȘNá áȘáF
12 days ago
Alexa, change all the clocks to Hammer time.
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Cashier: Would you like to update your phone number? Me: No, Iâd prefer to continue using my number from 1997
12 days ago
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geekysteven
19 days ago
KC area folks: Wanna hang with some nerds? Have a beer or whatever your favorite non-beer equivalent beverage is! Let's meet up at the 3 Trails Brewing in Independence MO on 11/01 around 7
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đđđ đšđŠ
14 days ago
Another tiny, entitled vampire tonight for Halloween. He didn't even bother with a compelling argument for the candy, just shook his bag at me like a tiny, silent landlord collecting rent.
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Mary
14 days ago
Responded too quickly to the cashier and now she thinks I bought all that candy for work. After accidentally committing to that, the lies just kept coming. When she asked if we had a big bowl for it at work, I said yes. She said they were all gonna be really happy with me. I agreed. Another lie.
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los đŠŠ
20 days ago
Spirit Halloween Hiring Manager: And where do you see yourself in five days
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DaddyJew
about 1 month ago
Me: why are you so mad? Gf: *pouring gasoline all over me* who said i was mad?
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FáȘáą á©áȘNá áȘáF
18 days ago
Nobody: Absolutely nobody: Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose's son should've been played by Ryan Gosling
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Post-it
18 days ago
âEverything is transient,â I say to myself as I finish the Halloween candy a week before HalloweenâŠ
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John Lyon
16 days ago
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
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MadHatterMommy
16 days ago
Welcome to your 40s, you donât recognise more than half the contacts in your phone.
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When the waiter says don't touch the plate because it's really hot, the first thing my parents do is touch it. Every time.
17 days ago
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Asha Rangappa
17 days ago
If you are able to, please contribute to your local food bank this week
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Patrick Dubuque
18 days ago
For every six Tron and Predator and Terminator sequels, we should get one Clue movie
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Gian DâOh
about 1 month ago
Gurrll ima rock you like a hurricane! *covers her in plywood*
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Marl
18 days ago
If I was a witch, I'd curse you to have neighbors who hand out pencils for Halloween.
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ash
21 days ago
I'm the cool chick at my house. Ask my dog, after I give him treats.
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Sooz
18 days ago
Busy day on the prairies. Iâm gonna get chocolate wasted and go to bed.
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Little Greenis
18 days ago
[1500âs] ME: whatâs happening? INQUISITOR: Your neighbour has been charged. ME: with what? INQUISITOR: witchcraft. ME: *smug* idkâŠwhich craft? INQUISITOR: GET THIS ONE TOO GUYS.
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DaddyJew
18 days ago
*reaches for the stars Stars: i have a boyfriend
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RealLifeMommy3
18 days ago
I donât understand why people hire plumbers for small repairs; itâs only taken me $40, 3 trips to Home Depot, the unnecessary replacement of one perfectly fine part, and Iâm 85% sure Iâll have this figured out by next week
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geekysteven
18 days ago
Alchemist on a date: "Yes, but what if your chicken marsala was made...of gold!" Their date: âJeffrey, you can't keep turning things into gold to avoid talking about your feelingsâ
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lanyardigan
25 days ago
Neighbor said a bear ate the pumpkin off her porch. Guess I wonât be putting out my decorative Big Macs this year
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DaddyJew
23 days ago
Interviewer: describe yourself in three words Me: really really sleepy
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dugglebutt
22 days ago
I firmly believe, and I will die on this hill, Perfect Strangers had the best theme song of all time (Ups to Magnum PI and Night Rider tho)
youtu.be/yT-x77t89iY?...
loading . . .
Perfect Strangers Theme Song
YouTube video by ThemeSongVideos
https://youtu.be/yT-x77t89iY?si=U--tSKwa7GrW0BRz
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Hollie Harris
23 days ago
Look guys, we're all in this together. Let's stop making things more difficult than they need to be. -me to my eyes, joints, back, and any other middle-aged body part rebelling against me
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weeder
22 days ago
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Uncle Duke
22 days ago
iâm sorry but vampire babies are just too fucking adorable
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Daisy
about 2 months ago
Sometimes people make your soul happy no matter how long youâve known them. Treasure those people.
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