I’m in a really bad place right now. By that I mean out of bed.

Here, Mom. Wash it and give it right back to me. — my kid handing me a Ring Pop covered in dirt, grass and dog hair

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music Cop: what song? Me: I'd rather not say Cop: what song?!? Me: I saw the sign

FOOTLOOOOOOOOOOSE

‘I’m not going to argue about this.’ -me 10 minutes into arguing with my kid about something

When you get to a point in your life where you realize you have more yesterdays behind you than tomorrows left, you start to prioritize how you want to spend those tomorrows & who you want to spend them with. Let go of the toxicity whether it’s a person or job situation & do what makes you happy

This beer tastes like I’m gonna sing “I Remember You” into his Ring camera

If you were down with OPP, it's time to join AARP!

Get with the times and quit calling them chores. Ask your kids if you can sign up for their cleaning subscription.

When my kids dawdle in the morning, and make us late for school, I don't get upset. I just make them listen to my sad 90s alt-music the whole ride.

Auto-correct changed "social" media to "sociopath" media, and it's not wrong

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

Everything is decidedly NOT coming up Milhouse

I feel personally victimized by the headline I just saw: "Pickleball is kind of a big dill"

in NJ at a four-way stop whoever best imitates Steve Perry gets to go first

Who called it “Going down a rabbit hole” when “Descending a harecase” would’ve been more poetic.

Wife: I don’t know if I want to watch that movie. Do any animals die? Me: No, but some people die. Wife: That won’t bother me.

Me: *makes a single small purchase from a brand* Brand: We are now betrothed

September is the month when people dress for the weather they wish it would be, rather than the weather it actually is.

Please be patient while I fly off this handle.

Maybe we're all charging our phones against their will. Maybe they want to die.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist. Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

I’m always losing things like my car keys and that lovin’ feelin’.

I think I've had enough tests of my resilience thanks

If you want to interview me for a documentary, I don’t wanna do it at my house. It would be weird. Like, would I put shoes on for it? No, I’ll just meet you at some bench in the forest preserve.

[every time I look in a mirror] wtf is that

I sent you a bouquet of pudding cups, please respond

I’ve lived near Lake Michigan my whole life but never sailed across it until today’s ferry trip. I stepped off yelling like a 1910 guy, “I was in Wisconsin just 2 and 1/2 hours ago and now here I am in Michigan! What will they think of next!

He was rare, like a fanny pack that isn't hideous.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"

my favorite sunscreen is couch, by Lazy Boy

When you were asleep I surrounded your body with dozens of petite broccoli florets.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

your secret is safe with me bc what were we talking about

i know the earth isnt flat because no company is trying to sell me a trip to see the edge of it

poseidon waiting half an hour after eating before going for a swim

It's the little things (the mites that live on your eyelashes)

Drunk me is like sober me but happy to pay DoorDash fees

Boss: Team, we need a new strategy Me: spinning bowties Boss: Me: what was the question again

A dating app for the over 50's called Napchat

It’s like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you

FRIEND: can I be honest with you for a minute? ME: *already hyperventilating in tears* of course

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim WIFE: limb has a b at the end ME: i literally just said that diane

noise cancelling headthoughts

Leaving future me a sink full of dishes so that bitch knows I don't like her.

Tacos don't need a reason or a day

In every marriage, there are two types of people: the one who checks the menu ahead of time, and the one I'm currently waiting on.

Fuck the handbasket. We're going to hit the highway in comfort

Idk, if your kid expects me to eat their play-doh spaghetti there better be play-doh parmesan.

Pizza for lunch and dinner is just efficient meal planning.