Robert Knop
@fatherwithtwins.bsky.social
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Big fan of my 13yo twin boys and my wife. Level 10 dad jokester.
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My parents are âoh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterdayâ years old
over 2 years ago
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Danny
about 21 hours ago
This morning is back to work for me. Unfortunately my phone's alarm setting was still on PTO.
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Uncle Duke
about 22 hours ago
Iâll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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What kind of monster assigns homework over spring break?
about 19 hours ago
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Pru
about 19 hours ago
At this point who DOESN'T have my personal data???
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Lisa, Duchess of Netflix
5 days ago
Me: "Anytime." Also me: "Oh, sorry, I can't right now."
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Just bought Olympics tickets. Hope my kids didn't want to go to college.
4 days ago
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DaddyJew
5 days ago
Me: im feeling a bit scatterbrained WebMD: youâre a silly goose
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Cosmically Funny
5 days ago
You may fool most people, but you can't fully hide your Martian accent.
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Watching my dog suck up rabbit poop like a vacuum cleaner is equal parts impressive and disgusting. Dog tax in the comments
5 days ago
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Uncle Duke
7 days ago
As Gloriaâs lifeless body lay in the corner, Phillip sat and admired his haul. He felt no remorse. The woman had been a fool to have trusted him, and sheâd deserved her fate.
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Miss Havishambles
about 1 year ago
Working my way through the Russian authors, only a few more to Chekhov.
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FáȘáą á©áȘNá áȘáF
7 days ago
WIFE: You better not be posting what I say again.
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Just watched the UConn / Duke game My 1st reaction was âyesssssss!â But, as a parent, my 2nd reaction was âoh man, I feel so sorry for that Boozer kidâ Parenting changes you.
8 days ago
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Rodger Sherman
8 days ago
the NCAA uploaded raw footage of the UConn buzzer-beater from every camera CBS had in the building to youtube (will drop in the replies) and the best part has to be this hard pan to Dan Hurley's mom yelling HOLY FUCKING SHIT followed by a synchronized simultaneous HOLY SHIT by both Hurley parents
loading . . .
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Pru
9 days ago
[frantically waving to person in the time machine] WAIT WAIT WAIT WE FOUND A WORSE GUY
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Pru
11 days ago
I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.
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John Lyon
11 days ago
Friend: If you give it some deep thoughtâ Me: Let me stop you right there.
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Theciscokidder
11 days ago
[David Attenborough voice] As the wild pancake warms itself in the morning sun, it is completely unaware that a human adolescent will eat it on a dare.
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Dumb Beezie
11 days ago
Whenever I move into a space I announce that I am not a find a spider take it outside kind of person
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mean things I say to myself
11 days ago
Maybe I will just list every item in my closet on Poshmark and wear my teenage son's hand-me-downs for the rest of my life. I'm okay with being mistaken for Adam Sandler for the foreseeable
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There's a special place in hell for people who bring umbrellas for shade to track meets
12 days ago
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Yael
13 days ago
I'm a very chill person as long as everything goes exactly as planned and I never encounter even a minor inconvenience.
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born miserable
about 2 months ago
sorry Pink Floyd, turns out that we needed education. a lot of it. all of the education, really
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Mary
15 days ago
Thereâs something about the shoppers at the grocery store on a Sunday night. We are not the go-getters. We ponder too long at the bananas, for what is time? We wait our turn for a lean cuisine. We hum along to Long December though it does not play. Granola bars and better days on the receipt.
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John Lyon
19 days ago
Procrastination? Donât get me started.
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DaddyJew
19 days ago
television had me growing up believing there would be a lot more unattended pies on open windowsills
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Danny
20 days ago
Why call it putting crazy amounts of processed cheese on your food rather than Livin' Velveeta Loca?
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DaddyJew
22 days ago
*puts on lotion *tries to turn the doorknob [30 minutes later] fuck it, this is where i live now
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mean things I say to myself
23 days ago
I guess I need bifocals to fuck around on my phone while I watch a movie now, this life continues to be a nightmare
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One Awkward Mom
27 days ago
âListen to your body" âšMy body: more snacks, less people understood.
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John Lyon
28 days ago
Iâm addicted to quoting 80s song lyrics. Might as well face it.
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Jim
6 months ago
My underwear looking at me as I order my new Pixel 10 and buds.
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If this CVS playing Chappell Roan wants me to stop scream-singing along, all I can say is good luck, babe
28 days ago
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Pru
30 days ago
I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.
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Me, heading to the doctor knowing my cholesterol is high
29 days ago
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DocAtCDI
29 days ago
Well, it's 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready... 4 for sales, 5 for customer service, or 6 to hear these options again.
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Pru
about 1 month ago
I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.
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Watched a guy hit on a Costco worker today. It was just as cringey as it sounds.
about 1 month ago
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Leen McBeans
about 1 month ago
I heard like 80% of bald men still have their old comb. Turns out they just canât part with it
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Icarus Q. Dumpsterfire
about 1 month ago
Bluesky should fix the bug in this app that keeps me from being funny
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Dreamer
about 1 month ago
lifeâs too short not to spend a little time harmonizing with other humans
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No one told me when you have teenagers you'll be on a first name basis with all the grocery store cashiers
about 1 month ago
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Just watched Song Sung Blue. Was not emotionally prepared for it at all.
about 1 month ago
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16yo: Iâm making tacos, but not using your seasoning because I donât like it Me:
about 1 month ago
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Dumb Beezie
over 1 year ago
I remember telling my mom when 4K people had followed me on Twitter and she said âwhyâ
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Elizabeth Hackett
over 2 years ago
*joining new social media site* Oh god, do we have to do this all over again?
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B đ
about 1 month ago
how quickly do thin mints start working? i just ate a whole sleeve
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Marl
about 1 month ago
Coworkers who get up, walk away, and leave their chair in the middle of the office- who hurt you? Because it's about to be me
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Dreamer
about 1 month ago
Fact: sperm whales call humans âjizz monkeysâ
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