Son: Thanks for the drugs, dad! Passerby: 👀 Me: COLD MEDICINE! It’s cold medicine

A bel biv devoe bahn mi shop called that girl is hoisin

Me: it’s not illegal Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just... SO. MUCH. Me: but it’s not illegal Cop: no, no it’s not

me: *magically pulling a coin from behind her ear* how about now? bank manager: no, that's still inadequate collateral and I can't loan you the $100,000

Old enough to recognize this as a data center

Her: I like a man with vices. Me: Oh! Well, um, I, um absolutely have a subscription to my local hardware store!

I just want to be rich enough to hire somebody to follow me around handing me freshly cubed pieces of cheese throughout my day.

Hey babe, let’s wear matching shirts while we hold hands at the county fair while sharing a corn dog.

Sooo relaxing when you recline your airplane seat back that whole 3/4 of an inch.

I was quite a catch; the catch being she’s stuck with me now.

Whereas my Achilles’ heel is an acute aversion to inconvenience.

not saying my eyesight was bad, but I got glasses today and just realized I live in California

"Phew, just made it" -dads 3 hours early to the airport

That’s it I’m moving Moving to an island I will “discover” One that has bunkers and trip wires and is situated square in the middle of paradise for the ultimate life and the possibility of future world domination and pickle ball championships But first this nap

Please, sir, the takes. They are heinous.

Eyesight so good, I'm optometrist prime.

When the big things are allllllll fucked up, I rely on the small things to stay sane and happy. Today's small things have been putting clean sheets on my bed and sharing cheesy Quavers with my dog. Here's to good small things *clinks glass*.

Beck: I’m a loser, baby So why don’t you kill me Me: Dude. Have you ever seen someone about improving your self esteem?

Life was easier when Casey Kacem was doing the American Top 40 on the radio during weekends.

Them: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes Me: like SpongeBob?

Instructor: "Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn how to dance?" Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: "There's been a misunderstanding."

i never use division unless i half two

People underestimate how serious it is when a comedian gets writer's block. It's no joke.

Me to me, passing by a bakery: ooh you're in danger, girl

My son is getting his wisdom teeth out. I told him he could keep them and make a necklace out of them. The nurse said they put them in hazardous waste. How rude.

Hello doctor, I think I have hauntavirus and my blood is full of hemogoblins

look, all I'm asking for is a little faith, a little trust, to believe in me, to see my humanity, and $40

Saved 15¢ a gallon on gas at Costco. Immediately went in and bought 15 hot dogs.

There should be a kind of vegetable that doesn't go rotten 5 seconds before I finally decide to eat them.

woke up tired from sleeping

🎶 HEAD LIKE A HOLE BLACK AS YOUR SOUL I'D RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU CONTROL🎶

she's a 10 but she pronounces it 'fusstrated'

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness? Me: I have so many, it’s hard to pick just one, ha ha! Interviewer: Me: Probably my poorly timed humor.

Captcha: Are you alone? Me: Uh. Yeah. Captcha: Kiss all the squares with butts in them. Me: What?! Captcha: You heard me. Me: [leans in to kiss the squares with butts in them] Captcha: LMFAO OMG I can't believe you did that

licking my finger to turn the page while i’m reading on my kindle

me, seeing a cow: good moooorning! cow: *shoots me*

*Me, watching a movie in which a torch appears out of nowhere* "Oh look, somebody just got back from the torch store."

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

People who ask me for something “at your soonest convenience” have no idea how perpetually inconvenienced I am.

Think I was supposed to be a black cat and not a stupid human

Punctuation never heard of it

Seeing people walking around wearing Ed Hardy and True Religion is making me feel very Fergalicious

hard to believe it’s been 40+ years since Elmo started those fires

I told my kid that in Sweden a karate instructor is callled a svensei and then my wife called the cops.

ME: Kenny is short for Kenneth so strictly speaking I'm correct in calling this restaurant Denneth's WAITRESS: Now i know why you always eat alone

I just want to feel the same excitement I felt when Lucky Charms added purple horseshoes

if only you could run away from your brain

If we go on a date, everything’s on me babe don’t worry, just run when i run.

16yo: Dad, did you know it's a myth that you can catch-up on sleep? Me: You also can't mustard on sleep 16yo: Uggggggh