This baby’s looking at me like I owe him money

Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Me every time I have to call someone

[me, trying to sell my friend on a weekend trip] Don't you want to get murdered at a tiny home in the country?

My brother just gave me his law degree. Apparently that’s how it works. I’m a lawyer now!

My teenagers either eat 2 bites or 2 pounds of food. There’s no in-between.

reaching my hand above the soil to tickle your feet

If you think I'm distant now you should see me in person.

Was the gluten free cupcake I had the worst thing I've ever had? No. Would I ever waste the calories on one again? Also, no.

Must've been pretty cool just floating around in the old days before newton fucked it all up with his gravity law

People complaining about being back to work on Monday aren't trying hard enough to build a time machine so they can go back and make sure their mom marries a rich guy

depression is usually caused by not eating enough candy

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Sally from Peanuts singing Linus a Sade cover "Sweetest Baboo"

Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.

Forget a nap I need deep space cryosleep

Mustard awards called The Gulden Globes.

Catterpiglar would be a cute name for a baby cat

I failed geometry because I wouldn’t stop asking about the Bermuda Triangle.

the hamburger has to really want the help

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, eat some cheese

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

Doctor: how’s your diet and exercise? Me: my what?

get in, no time to explain

Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy. [later] They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.

my son asked for a charcuterie board instead of a cake for his birthday and I’m pretty sure I’m the only parent to ever be asked that

Still believing, Journey. Please advise.

on this day exactly 25 years ago, I pointed at a beautiful woman across the street & said "that's the girl I'm gonna marry one day,” but it turned out to be a lamppost

I demand to speak with your seed manager, sir.

my middle schooler just demanded to know why we picture sheep jumping over a fence to help us sleep, "all the sheep are escaping! how is that peaceful!!"

We're gonna need a bigger timeline cleanse

I always shave my legs on NYE to make sure I start the new year with a clean slate.

Just found some peppermint bark in my fridge which means Christmas isn’t officially over yet.

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

A star shaped paperclip is more fun in theory than in practice.

Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying.

Everyone is thinking about who they'll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I need y'all to see my 10 year old niece's art

the impact of a dad joke can be measured on a sighsmograph

Coworker: You look tired. Me: Apparently, I also look approachable.

I am so going to be Dustin’s mom on graduation day

Website: let us show you your year in review! Me: no you will the fuck not!

Just found an unused $50 Amazon gift card from a soccer team I coached 8 years ago. Happy New Year!

I think Disney instills in kids an unrealistic expectation of how haunted mansions are.

When someone's nice to me for no apparent reason

a spinoff called Perfect Stranger Things

Probably the worst part of being a mouse is having to act happy about sleeping in a sardine can

Apparently winter break with teenagers means going to the grocery store every other day. Send help.

Christmas puns will ruin this place. Yule see.