Robert Knop
@fatherwithtwins.bsky.social
📤 593
📥 153
📝 226
Big fan of my 13yo twin boys and my wife. Level 10 dad jokester.
pinned post!
My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old
over 2 years ago
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This baby’s looking at me like I owe him money
2 days ago
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Candy Elliott
3 days ago
Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Me every time I have to call someone
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Lizzy
4 days ago
[me, trying to sell my friend on a weekend trip] Don't you want to get murdered at a tiny home in the country?
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Candy Elliott
3 days ago
My brother just gave me his law degree. Apparently that’s how it works. I’m a lawyer now!
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My teenagers either eat 2 bites or 2 pounds of food. There’s no in-between.
4 days ago
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mindi
4 days ago
reaching my hand above the soil to tickle your feet
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle
4 days ago
If you think I'm distant now you should see me in person.
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Amanda B
5 days ago
Was the gluten free cupcake I had the worst thing I've ever had? No. Would I ever waste the calories on one again? Also, no.
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Damnit Janet
7 days ago
Must've been pretty cool just floating around in the old days before newton fucked it all up with his gravity law
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Pru
7 days ago
People complaining about being back to work on Monday aren't trying hard enough to build a time machine so they can go back and make sure their mom marries a rich guy
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valley girlfriend
6 days ago
depression is usually caused by not eating enough candy
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John Lyon
7 days ago
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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Nate's Myth
8 days ago
Sally from Peanuts singing Linus a Sade cover "Sweetest Baboo"
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle
12 months ago
Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.
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Heatherhere
5 months ago
Forget a nap I need deep space cryosleep
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Danny
8 days ago
Mustard awards called The Gulden Globes.
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TwoSense
9 days ago
Catterpiglar would be a cute name for a baby cat
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Pasta Fazool
8 days ago
I failed geometry because I wouldn’t stop asking about the Bermuda Triangle.
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debbshock
8 days ago
the hamburger has to really want the help
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Pru
8 days ago
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, eat some cheese
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Marl
8 days ago
I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football
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DaddyJew
8 days ago
Doctor: how’s your diet and exercise? Me: my what?
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debbshock
9 days ago
get in, no time to explain
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John Lyon
9 days ago
Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy. [later] They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.
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Daisy
12 days ago
my son asked for a charcuterie board instead of a cake for his birthday and I’m pretty sure I’m the only parent to ever be asked that
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Forrest Plump
15 days ago
Still believing, Journey. Please advise.
add a skeleton here at some point
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Grant Tanaka
9 days ago
on this day exactly 25 years ago, I pointed at a beautiful woman across the street & said "that's the girl I'm gonna marry one day,” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
over 1 year ago
I demand to speak with your seed manager, sir.
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maura quint
10 days ago
my middle schooler just demanded to know why we picture sheep jumping over a fence to help us sleep, "all the sheep are escaping! how is that peaceful!!"
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Pru
10 days ago
We're gonna need a bigger timeline cleanse
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Marl
20 days ago
I always shave my legs on NYE to make sure I start the new year with a clean slate.
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😺Cat😺
11 days ago
Just found some peppermint bark in my fridge which means Christmas isn’t officially over yet.
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DaddyJew
11 days ago
Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this
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Mary
14 days ago
A star shaped paperclip is more fun in theory than in practice.
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John Lyon
14 days ago
Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying.
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Katie Didn’t
19 days ago
Everyone is thinking about who they'll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
18 days ago
Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.
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☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
8 months ago
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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mean things I say to myself
18 days ago
I need y'all to see my 10 year old niece's art
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trickykat
7 months ago
the impact of a dad joke can be measured on a sighsmograph
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Jackie Bouvier
about 1 year ago
Coworker: You look tired. Me: Apparently, I also look approachable.
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I am so going to be Dustin’s mom on graduation day
19 days ago
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Miss Riss
19 days ago
Website: let us show you your year in review! Me: no you will the fuck not!
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Just found an unused $50 Amazon gift card from a soccer team I coached 8 years ago. Happy New Year!
19 days ago
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geekysteven
20 days ago
I think Disney instills in kids an unrealistic expectation of how haunted mansions are.
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CrazyMyra
20 days ago
When someone's nice to me for no apparent reason
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los 🦦
22 days ago
a spinoff called Perfect Stranger Things
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mave
22 days ago
Probably the worst part of being a mouse is having to act happy about sleeping in a sardine can
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Apparently winter break with teenagers means going to the grocery store every other day. Send help.
22 days ago
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Little Greenis
2 months ago
Christmas puns will ruin this place. Yule see.
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