muppet movie posters: thread

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings. Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms. Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.

Another unrealistic body standard for women.

Nothing brings a couple closer than overhearing another couple fight at the next table.

the origin story of the cabbage patch kids is terrifying

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

If YouTube didn’t run 30 second ads before showing “Heimlich Maneuver” I’m sure my date tonight would’ve asked me out again.

There must be some unwritten rule that smoke detectors have to start malfunctioning at night. To ensure that at least one person in the house is asleep.

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

Them: your days are numbered Me: all days are numbered, it’s called a calendar ya dumbass

Two slices of swiss cheese in a little plastic bowl as an on-the-way-to-work snack in the sunny car was such a bad call.

I don’t want to play any game that requires me to put skin into it.

your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.

can't believe Salvador Dalí left all those clocks out in the sun like that smdh

i don’t trust most of you to sit in the emergency exit row

THEM: awww you have a cute red head baby ME: oh no that’s cheeto dust

The hotel I stayed at in Boston text me that they want me to visit again. Like omg, so obsessed with me.

don’t forget to set your clocks back to a better time in your life.

This is a great time of year for people who go to bed at 5:00

Alexa, change all the clocks to Hammer time.

Cashier: Would you like to update your phone number? Me: No, I’d prefer to continue using my number from 1997

KC area folks: Wanna hang with some nerds? Have a beer or whatever your favorite non-beer equivalent beverage is! Let's meet up at the 3 Trails Brewing in Independence MO on 11/01 around 7

Another tiny, entitled vampire tonight for Halloween. He didn't even bother with a compelling argument for the candy, just shook his bag at me like a tiny, silent landlord collecting rent.

Responded too quickly to the cashier and now she thinks I bought all that candy for work. After accidentally committing to that, the lies just kept coming. When she asked if we had a big bowl for it at work, I said yes. She said they were all gonna be really happy with me. I agreed. Another lie.

Spirit Halloween Hiring Manager: And where do you see yourself in five days

Me: why are you so mad? Gf: *pouring gasoline all over me* who said i was mad?

Nobody: Absolutely nobody: Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose's son should've been played by Ryan Gosling

“Everything is transient,” I say to myself as I finish the Halloween candy a week before Halloween…

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Welcome to your 40s, you don’t recognise more than half the contacts in your phone.

When the waiter says don't touch the plate because it's really hot, the first thing my parents do is touch it. Every time.

If you are able to, please contribute to your local food bank this week

For every six Tron and Predator and Terminator sequels, we should get one Clue movie

Gurrll ima rock you like a hurricane! *covers her in plywood*

If I was a witch, I'd curse you to have neighbors who hand out pencils for Halloween.

I'm the cool chick at my house. Ask my dog, after I give him treats.

Busy day on the prairies. I’m gonna get chocolate wasted and go to bed.

[1500’s] ME: what’s happening? INQUISITOR: Your neighbour has been charged. ME: with what? INQUISITOR: witchcraft. ME: *smug* idk…which craft? INQUISITOR: GET THIS ONE TOO GUYS.

*reaches for the stars Stars: i have a boyfriend

I don’t understand why people hire plumbers for small repairs; it’s only taken me $40, 3 trips to Home Depot, the unnecessary replacement of one perfectly fine part, and I’m 85% sure I’ll have this figured out by next week

Alchemist on a date: "Yes, but what if your chicken marsala was made...of gold!" Their date: “Jeffrey, you can't keep turning things into gold to avoid talking about your feelings”

Neighbor said a bear ate the pumpkin off her porch. Guess I won’t be putting out my decorative Big Macs this year

Interviewer: describe yourself in three words Me: really really sleepy

I firmly believe, and I will die on this hill, Perfect Strangers had the best theme song of all time (Ups to Magnum PI and Night Rider tho) youtu.be/yT-x77t89iY?...

Look guys, we're all in this together. Let's stop making things more difficult than they need to be. -me to my eyes, joints, back, and any other middle-aged body part rebelling against me

i’m sorry but vampire babies are just too fucking adorable

Sometimes people make your soul happy no matter how long you’ve known them. Treasure those people.