This morning is back to work for me. Unfortunately my phone's alarm setting was still on PTO.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

What kind of monster assigns homework over spring break?

At this point who DOESN'T have my personal data???

Me: "Anytime." Also me: "Oh, sorry, I can't right now."

Just bought Olympics tickets. Hope my kids didn't want to go to college.

Me: im feeling a bit scatterbrained WebMD: you’re a silly goose

You may fool most people, but you can't fully hide your Martian accent.

Watching my dog suck up rabbit poop like a vacuum cleaner is equal parts impressive and disgusting. Dog tax in the comments

As Gloria’s lifeless body lay in the corner, Phillip sat and admired his haul. He felt no remorse. The woman had been a fool to have trusted him, and she’d deserved her fate.

Working my way through the Russian authors, only a few more to Chekhov.

WIFE: You better not be posting what I say again.

Just watched the UConn / Duke game My 1st reaction was “yesssssss!” But, as a parent, my 2nd reaction was “oh man, I feel so sorry for that Boozer kid” Parenting changes you.

the NCAA uploaded raw footage of the UConn buzzer-beater from every camera CBS had in the building to youtube (will drop in the replies) and the best part has to be this hard pan to Dan Hurley's mom yelling HOLY FUCKING SHIT followed by a synchronized simultaneous HOLY SHIT by both Hurley parents

[frantically waving to person in the time machine] WAIT WAIT WAIT WE FOUND A WORSE GUY

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought— Me: Let me stop you right there.

[David Attenborough voice] As the wild pancake warms itself in the morning sun, it is completely unaware that a human adolescent will eat it on a dare.

Whenever I move into a space I announce that I am not a find a spider take it outside kind of person

Maybe I will just list every item in my closet on Poshmark and wear my teenage son's hand-me-downs for the rest of my life. I'm okay with being mistaken for Adam Sandler for the foreseeable

There's a special place in hell for people who bring umbrellas for shade to track meets

I'm a very chill person as long as everything goes exactly as planned and I never encounter even a minor inconvenience.

sorry Pink Floyd, turns out that we needed education. a lot of it. all of the education, really

There’s something about the shoppers at the grocery store on a Sunday night. We are not the go-getters. We ponder too long at the bananas, for what is time? We wait our turn for a lean cuisine. We hum along to Long December though it does not play. Granola bars and better days on the receipt.

Procrastination? Don’t get me started.

television had me growing up believing there would be a lot more unattended pies on open windowsills

Why call it putting crazy amounts of processed cheese on your food rather than Livin' Velveeta Loca?

*puts on lotion *tries to turn the doorknob [30 minutes later] fuck it, this is where i live now

I guess I need bifocals to fuck around on my phone while I watch a movie now, this life continues to be a nightmare

“Listen to your body" 
My body: more snacks, less people understood.

I’m addicted to quoting 80s song lyrics. Might as well face it.

My underwear looking at me as I order my new Pixel 10 and buds.

If this CVS playing Chappell Roan wants me to stop scream-singing along, all I can say is good luck, babe

I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.

Me, heading to the doctor knowing my cholesterol is high

Well, it's 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready... 4 for sales, 5 for customer service, or 6 to hear these options again.

I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.

Watched a guy hit on a Costco worker today. It was just as cringey as it sounds.

I heard like 80% of bald men still have their old comb. Turns out they just can’t part with it

Bluesky should fix the bug in this app that keeps me from being funny

life’s too short not to spend a little time harmonizing with other humans

No one told me when you have teenagers you'll be on a first name basis with all the grocery store cashiers

Just watched Song Sung Blue. Was not emotionally prepared for it at all.

16yo: I’m making tacos, but not using your seasoning because I don’t like it Me:

I remember telling my mom when 4K people had followed me on Twitter and she said “why”

*joining new social media site* Oh god, do we have to do this all over again?

how quickly do thin mints start working? i just ate a whole sleeve

Coworkers who get up, walk away, and leave their chair in the middle of the office- who hurt you? Because it's about to be me

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”