*takes long drag off cigarette, flicks it away* listen kid, when i was your age we didn't have mobile phones, we sat around trimming our split ends and getting tan tattoos with paper stencils, we thought we had all the time uhh, i forgot where i was heading with this but- hey! where are you going?

If today were a person I would punch it in the face <3

i think florida is ai

I hope your dog lives long enough to grow grizzled and cranky and wise. And if not, let them at least teach you how to live in the absolute moment 🐾

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

Quick question: what in the sweet feathery fuck

maintaining a delicate balance between wanting to stay informed and wanting to stay sane

A blithering of idiots, if you will.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

i really thought i’d be spending a lot more time out on the moors by now

Let's get you muted there, champ

I enjoy long walks on the beach and being apologized to

Prescription-strength reciprocation

I'm so old I remember when the world thought the USA was cool.

Men are the easiest targets. Just look at porn bots. Women don’t get those. We get “how are you today” and “will you marry me”

I love getting older. Except the whole face thing.

i’m starting to think the people who keep saying “he can’t do that it’s illegal” don’t really understand what’s going on

I am the worst because the only thing I hate more than being misunderstood is explaining what I meant

My parents took 5 photos of me from 1969 to 1990 but I have 67 photos of my cat from this morning.

kinda wish i could set things on fire with my mind

Honestly? As long as about 6 particular people talk to me on here, I'm set. Drink, anyone?

my whoring days are long over these are my have you seen my glasses days

Bondi & Bongino fighting over a pedophile report while a sex offender watches is as American as it gets. We need to decuntify this whole damn place 🤦🏻‍♀️

Perfecting the art of saying it all with just a blink.

If you have baby pics that were taken on a digital camera, move along junior.

Don't judge a band by its cover.

Leave me alone she said on 7 social media platforms

Dance like no one is wincing.

If your partner says they are "tired", it's important to calmly explain that you are also tired, more so even, for you work much harder. Follow me for more marriage advice!

You know they made the lawnmower loud so you can’t hear the grass screaming.

church: you should be more like jesus me: *gets nailed by some dudes* church: no, no … not like that

[petting two cats] I’m so good at petting two cats at once with my two arms [a third cat approaches] fuck

*Sucks stomach in seductively*

not loving this slow moving apocalypse tbh

Champagne is my favorite "breakfast wine"

Joke thief- BLOCK Bot acct- BLOCK Mean person- BLOCK Bad vibe- BLOCK Annoying @er- BLOCK Too much politics- BLOCK Trouble maker- BLOCK Finds someone who blocked me- I. AM. APPALLED.

I think what I like about most of you is that we'll probably never meet in person.

Who called it insomnia and not resisting a rest

“Are the cops gone?” “Yeah.” “Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Calling someone who opposes Netanyahu's genocide "anti semitic" is akin to calling someone allergic to shellfish "anti food"

Always leave them wanting amnesia.

oh you thought i kept my car keys under the visor like in every movie ever? haha, no. that's where i keep my loose glitter.

If by "morning person" you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes, then yes, I'm a morning person.

Having a child is crazy, what if you don’t like them

My new fave typo is "muddle aged".

Welcome to your 50's. You move your lips when you think now.