Well, we may have lost but at least we look like we cheated

Credit to Trump: He challenged Europe to contribute its fair share, and Belgium has stepped up by supplying 80% of the goals

they should invent a recliner that catapults you into bed when you fall asleep

I just need you to find 5 goals

Breaking News: USA claim to have credible intelligence that Belgium has nuclear weapons.

it’s sadly getting to the point where i can either be informed or i can be sane

Where is drunk Bluesky

Do not go willy into that good nilly

very funny to see american football fans complaining about getting called cheats simply because they’ve cheated “wah wah, why are you so mean? we’re just celebrating blatant corruption that favours us, like chelsea fans do!” yeah man no-one likes them either

The real Elon lol

I stopped making jokes because of that one time someone blocked me for doing so.

What do I know, I’m just some asshole on the Internet

If I say “You’re like family to me”, it’s not a compliment

All the shit trees have seen

I only turn on the AC for my dog...

gah I just wish I could find a website full of likeminded individuals who are underemployed, hate AI and mask their problems with endless jokes

I'm opening a sneaker store for people who don't exercise called I Shoes Not to Run.

Even if you stumble, a step is still a step.

astronauts: *lost contact with earth for 40 minutes* me: jealous

"Exclamation mark," I say dryly into my speech-to-text message.

Don't be angry with me because I spoke the truth. Be angry with me because I'm an asshole.

We’re all fucked. You’re not special.

shitposting is macaroni art for grownups

When the big things are allllllll fucked up, I rely on the small things to stay sane and happy. Today's small things have been putting clean sheets on my bed and sharing cheesy Quavers with my dog. Here's to good small things *clinks glass*.

collecting rain in wine glasses so i can have sips of the sky whenever i feel too mortal

All social media posts are now postcards from the edge.

*takes long drag off cigarette, flicks it away* listen kid, when i was your age we didn't have mobile phones, we sat around trimming our split ends and getting tan tattoos with paper stencils, we thought we had all the time uhh, i forgot where i was heading with this but- hey! where are you going?

If today were a person I would punch it in the face <3

i think florida is ai

I hope your dog lives long enough to grow grizzled and cranky and wise. And if not, let them at least teach you how to live in the absolute moment 🐾

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

Quick question: what in the sweet feathery fuck

maintaining a delicate balance between wanting to stay informed and wanting to stay sane

A blithering of idiots, if you will.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Let's get you muted there, champ

I enjoy long walks on the beach and being apologized to

Prescription-strength reciprocation

I'm so old I remember when the world thought the USA was cool.

Men are the easiest targets. Just look at porn bots. Women don’t get those. We get “how are you today” and “will you marry me”

I love getting older. Except the whole face thing.

i’m starting to think the people who keep saying “he can’t do that it’s illegal” don’t really understand what’s going on

I am the worst because the only thing I hate more than being misunderstood is explaining what I meant

My parents took 5 photos of me from 1969 to 1990 but I have 67 photos of my cat from this morning.

kinda wish i could set things on fire with my mind

Honestly? As long as about 6 particular people talk to me on here, I'm set. Drink, anyone?