Ooo America you in trouble girl

I hope something gross leaves your body today in a very satisfying way

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

Fire has no right smelling so good. Just a top tier scent. Your empire could be in ashes and the firemen are probably stood around huffing it in, saying it's the best part of their job.

Every corporate email

Some chick was arm in arm with a guy holding a white cane. They disappeared around the corner. Where was that blonde leading the blind?

Brings drugs to a gun fight.

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

I just assembled a Winnie the Pooh tea table and chair set. Now I have to live with what I've done.

Determined to enjoy the holidays this year. That's why I'm holding New Family Auditions.

I live in rural Maine. My wood guy is dying. So, he dug his own grave on his property with his backhoe. Maine is just different.

It’s so weird how they used to claim you’d go blind from masturbating too much. You don’t even need eyesight for that.

I’m going to start calling hot dogs “American tacos” because that’s exactly what they are

I see a lot of you are still up saying dumb shit, let me in on that action

We’re racist and our underpaid employees smile constantly COME SEE US

I told you you’d regret this

Building a new stretch of road called Dead Man’s Curve. It’s going to be great, the kids are gonna love it

afraid that if I open my mouth, I may start screaming and never stop

Beto’s putting on a special show, one night only. No camera phones allowed

MOOOOOOOOOM someone’s jealous of my superior intellect and irreproachable beauty again

Hey everybody! My wonderful son has a skill toy page on Insta. He's very entertaining. Check it out! www.instagram.com/jev.jev.jev....

You think premiums are high NOW. Wait until the death spirals kick in. youtube.com/shorts/qEpzw...

I'm so sorry but the last time I sent you laughing emoji I wasn't actually laughing.

*tweets

I love this time of year when bugs are dying

when will a frankenstein movie be brave enough to let us see the doctor choosing the dick

Are we there yet? #art #oilpainting

Snug as a bug or possibly on drugs, it’s hard to say.

If you had to talk about any topic for one hour what would it be? For me it would be Karate Kid

My favorite color is 90s Taco Bell booth purple.

After food is delivered to my door, I hire a second person to bring it to my couch.

absurd is short for absolute turd

Imagine a cobra out in the wild, starving and pissed, then he hears a flute and goes, "Damn, that’s my jam!"

shit posting for freedom

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

I have a mild cold, so I'll be slowly dying in bed for the next three days.

If I start posting memes without captions it's because I have laryngitis.

Give us Lord our daily fiber. Forgive us our diets' lack of fruits and vegetables. Save us from the leftover Halloween candy. Now and Later, Good & Plenty. Amen.

Welcome to indifference club. It meets whenever. I’m probably not going anyway.

It's not raining, for once, and the cat's posing in the garden like he's Burt Reynolds in that Cosmo centrefold.

At least we don't have to worry about building on momentum.

Part of the psychological experiment named “holiday season.”

who am i anyway? am i my resume?

kill two birds with one kidney stone

[lying in bed] where the hell is the remote? *shakes bed spread* *remote hits me in the face* Touché

when my late mother was alive she would have never had sex with any of you stop lying you’re gross

I’ve started making pharmaceuticals in my garage if anyone wants to save a few bucks.

posting my nudes in amazon product reviews

Listening to Sheryl Crow and Sheryl Crow only until the end of the year because I hate myself.