A small reason for me to be less cynical going into ‘26. I could cry, but in a fierce, manly way.

Having my mother declared legally incompetent because her messaging app makes a sound everytime she presses a key

Was just looking through my email for a message I thought I got early in 2025 from someone and yeah, I actually got it in 2018. Good work, brain.

I got the flu and lost 10 pounds. Merry Christmas, everyone!

An unattractive woman asked for my phone number today outside a restaurant, so I gave her a fake. I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.

There are few things I enjoy more on a cold, wet, wintry day than driving past a line of shivering commuters stuck at a bus stop in the rain, with my radio and my heater both blasting on full. In fact, that's probably the main reason I became a bus driver in the first place.

We don't really care if you hold the door open for us, we'd just rather not be raped if that's okay.

I'm doing so little that my family held a mirror up to my nose.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart Please respond

*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

me, seeing a lady in zumba class who i know from another class but she never makes eye contact & im pretty sure she hates me: *don’t engage don’t engage don’t engage* also me: hi why do you hate me *nailed it*

Adopting ‘my liege’ for the foreseeable. Take note.

Tombstone is a Christmas movie

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Soylent Green.

The only present I got this year was from a guy at the bath house and it was syphilis.

Can I still post about jizz and buttholes if I decide to find god in the new year?

Here we are in Western Maine in the grip of a snowstorm. My husband is hoping that we get five fluffy inches but right now it looks like it's snowing at a rate of about an inch an hour so I think that dream is fucking shattered.

the average person eats 8 southwestern egg rolls in their sleep per day

I probably won't post about buttholes because you guys have that shit covered

My boss just yelled at me for making helicopter noises with my mouth. This meeting sucks

this is where I post from if you even care

Reminding you, if you are taking your children to Turning Point meetings... You are committing child abuse.

Me, when the scissors go csssssllllhhhhhhhhhssshhh through wrapping paper: 🥰🎶💍🍻❤️‍🔥🙆‍♀️🫦🫶🤩 Me, when the scissors go fkkkkfffrrrrbbbrrrrttttkkkkkfmb through the wrapping paper: 😤🔪💀🏚️☹️🔫💪👿💣

Dave Chappelle had to leave the country so he can trash talk anyone he wants.

i did not have Jake Paul getting his shit wrecked by a professional boxer on my bingo-oh nope, there it is

I couldn't be happier that Jake Paul got his fucking jaw broken.

butter has the calcium I need for strong buttery bones

Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit

Simply having a government-mandated Christmastime.

Just to be clear. It’s the John F Kennedy center legally. Just like it’s still the department of defense

Joined the Flat Earth Society for the 50% discount on round-the-world air tickets.

Just bought a dozen shopping carts at Aldi’s for $3. Happy Holidays!!!

My parents did not raise me to be disrespectful, I had to practice

How to have good hair: - Have whatever hair, even bad hair - Walk around like you have that hair on purpose

when mom says it’s right in front of you

I’m kind of leery about eating other people’s food unless it’s cookies in which case I can relax my standards.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Babe can we start the show over, I was watching my plate like the food might get away

Some fashion trends I see and I think, no that one is a no go The latest is black leggings with high white socks over the bottom

Those hands tho! Those hands can fix things or calm a cow or hitch a trailer or steer a tractor. Those hands were earned. Those hands are beautiful.

For breakfast my mother would have a coffee and a cigarette and for lunch she would have a coffee and two cigarettes.

It's all about perspective. I live in rural Maine so when I see a woman walk into the grocery store and she's absolutely filthy, I understand that she is a farmer.

I haven’t started believing. I just stopped apologizing.

I feel like a prizefighter with all these blocks…

i forgot to do wagon wednesday, maybe next week