Do you guys ever think what it would be like if there were no yellow lights at intersections. Just green, red, green, red. That would be crazy

I think the edible I had like ten hours ago is just starting to kick in. Is that a thing. What am I saying, of course it’s a thing. It is happening to me right now

you know what they say if you’re not part of a group chat then you’re a handsome loner who has absolutely no secrets better left buried

JESUS: *turns water into wine* JUDAS: *from the shower* okay that DOES IT

I just said "excuse me" to my cat as I passed him in the hall.

I'm not looking for a fight yet but keep it up!

Now the Trump administration is dismantling the US Forest Service because he wants to do more logging without being impeded by science and research. This is truly a fucking nightmare.

Truman Capote painted the most beautiful pictures of the most horrific things.

I'm on my way to a job interview please wish me good luck you guys I've been out of work for 6 fucking months.

Holy shit you guys! That man who said his wife fell overboard was actually lying after all. Can you believe that? How weird that he would say she fell over when he actually threw her over. So fucking weird.

Well, I went to the DMV and finally renewed my driver's license after the lady yelled at me for doing everything wrong. You can always count on civil servants to make your day a little brighter.

My jaw has been clenched for 50 years.

first time seeing a photo of horror legend Robert Bloch & honestly, *chef kiss*

Interviewer: how well do you handle pressure? [flashback to me sweating bullets standing in line at Chiptole] Me: quite well

Cop: do you know how fast you were going? Me: nah bro, were you not paying attention?

I've been applying for jobs on LinkedIn for 6 months and haven't had one interview. I applied for one job on Indeed and I have an interview Thursday.

Hello, Nutella, I need to return this jar as it doesn't float gracefully around the room.

This day in history. 1832. Cumbrian farmer Joseph Thompson went into Carlisle to auction off his wife, with her consent. A large crowd gathered but the winning bid was only twenty shillings and Thompson even had to throw in his Newfoundland dog Roger to sweeten the deal.

good morning only to people who aren’t planning and doing war crimes

seems like a good day to not be the stupidest and wrongest person in recent history

The mayor in Jaws was a terrible mayor. And being America, he was STILL mayor in the sequel.

just like your mom, bluesky went down again haha i bet nobody has ever posted this *SEND*

My brother died and my heart is broken.

My brother was absolutely right.

If Bette Davis had announced it, it would have been exactly this...but I imagine with a martini and a cigarette in one of those long cigarette holders.

in an effort to broaden this accounts demographics & increase its reach I'll be sprinkling Everything Bagel seasoning over all my future posts

Jesus: It's great to be back, hey what did you end up calling the day I died? Everybody: Uhhhh

My husband and I are in a 24% tax bracket. And every year the IRS figures out a way to not give us our refund. It's always a levy from whatever year they claim that we've never heard of. And there's no way to fight it. We're broke. Meanwhile, billionaires are in a .0002 tax bracket. Sounds fair.

So here we are struggling like everybody else trying to afford healthcare and gas and food when the IRS tells me they're not going to give me the money they owe me. They're going to give me an amount much less than that because I owed some mysterious levy from whatever the fuck year they choose .

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. If the hooker you brought last week is missing, please check the lost and found. She says someone named J- Dog brought her, but we figure that's an alias. God bless.

THERAPIST: you need to get your ducks in a row JEEP OWNER: on it

Age is just a number until you throw your back out in the shower.

If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized

Spirit Halloween Hiring Manager: And where do you see yourself in five days

when i miss my cats while at work

Who called them sea monkeys when shrimpanzees was right there?

You put a pep in my step today, you insufferable jerk.

pushing my fingers into my eyes sounds good right about now the funk soul brotha

Gonna meander about all day with a coffee cup in my hand and pretend I know things

When I take out my colander to drain the pasta it makes a SCHWING sound not unlike a sword being unsheathed

If you think naps are a waste of time then we have nothing in common.

i like to assign a numerical value to the orgasms i get from my sex toys . vibe rater , is what im saying

me: everyone’s posting good stuff & im posting not good stuff i feel like a big dummy my gynecologist: what

I slid into your DMs and gave you unsolicited medical advice. Please respond.

I just drank 2 glasses of water so basically I'm a body builder now.

Children are not for sex. Thanks for coming to my talk.

Micro bangs are not for everyone.

“People lie about common interests at the beginning of relationships. That’s how relationships are formed” wait whatwhatwhatwhat — is this why i’m single

Women are most often murdered by their male spouse or partner. Women don't feel safe walking alone at night. Most women have been assaulted by a man. So, don't tell us to fucking smile.

Let's make the funeral festive