I'm taking the day off. I'm unemployed so I figured I'd tell you guys.

*puts on reading glasses to listen to the story you are about to tell me*

nice heights bro, be a real shame if someone… wuthered them

Roses are red Vice is inherent

My phone has been on silent for 10 years.

One of the worst things about not having an accurate date of birth for Jesus are the arguments about His star sign

Why be part of the problem when you could be all of the problem

Here I am

when the Russians say Alexei Navalny died of "natural causes" they mean poison dart frog not Novichok nerve agent

If the inside of a USB connector is blue that means it's a water type

Monday: *exists* Me: Why are you doing this to me?

In hindsight, the eighties were a breeze.

Anyone who says that the Beatles are overrated listen to Martha My Dear and sit the fuck down.

We don't really care if you hold the door open for us, we'd just rather not be raped if that's okay.

I don't need a reason to piss my pants.

just got whistled at by a Marge Simpson cheese stick

ugh, i could use a hug

If I xoxo you it’s a defensive formation

going live with a bob barker mic

Sometimes I need a beige meal to take the edge off

I hope no one is going up to an isolated cabin by the lake this weekend

A Friday the 13th right before Valentine’s Day is so on brand for 2026.

This chef at the brunch buffet is giving me the crêpes

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

I will stick that q-tip in my ear as far as it'll fucking go. That's just big q-tip trying to tell us what to do.

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo tango hotel india sierra

insurance paperwork? officer I don't think you realize I'm driving on stolen land

Cruise control is for stoners.

thank god I got an invite to this site I was so close to logging off and living my life

America isn't a white, Christian nation and the racists are losing their shit! 😂

Puerto Ricans showed us all what real Americans look like.

Holy shit it's almost 7???

There's a 50 year old white Jewish lady over here dancing and singing along with Bad Bunny. It's my wife.

David Byrne's tailor has gotten better.

Me: talk dirty to me Gf: your microwave is filthy af

I was cut from a different, less absorbent, cloth.

I'm going to fistfight a boar.

it’s the 20s where are all the flappers

fun fact: bill gates named microsoft after his dick

Please, my threshold for stupidity. It is depleted

“measure twice cut once” i whisper to myself during this circumcision

i’m going to costco does anyone need a lot

My big Saturday night plans include being ugly and smelling bad.

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

This is my super bowl.

unclenched my jaw and evaporated

the view is stunning🤣🤣

I applied for a job the other day and they indicated that they would be doing a credit check to make sure that I'm a responsible person. A credit score does not indicate that.

a life without health insurance ain’t worth living. but don’t worry, they’ll take care of that

love shack anger cottage panic yurt sorrow hovel shame hole