Per reese’s shape, it’s nearly halloween.

Blindfolded and hepped up on sugar, I enter Bluesky with a cudgel and imagine piñatas everywhere.

No longer allowed to work as an obstetrician because I kept saying ‘at your cervix’

how long before the acid reflux dissolves me in my entirety

I say alrighty but nothing is ever alrighty.

another stupid fucking morning

i can’t go out this weekend, my human skin is at the dry cleaners

there’s no way this is the same brain i used to remember phone numbers with

The senses without mention.

Gilbert Gottfried was reincarnated as a raven and he lives really close to my house.

would consider you family but the comments aren’t condescending enough

my seduction technique is to play hard to get, then slowly and sensually reveal that it’s actually just crippling social anxiety

when i leave this earth please feed me to plants

an ass that slaps back

Can't wait to disappoint all the people who follow me when I'm mildly entertaining.

Sorry for the way I sexualized you with my eyes when I stood up too fast.

Just know that against my own will I lift weights just so when I finally need a cane I can hit bad people effectively

Sometimes I just stop talking for days. No one notices. It's nice, like practicing to be a ghost.

watering plants to prince's starfish and coffee and singing it right in their leafy little faces so they know i love them

sleepy weepy girl hours

Just bit the inside of my lip and now I need to go on a murderous rampage.

why yes, i will continue to embarrass myself. why do you ask?

Oh, you refer to yourself as sassy? You seem like a nightmare.

oh baby please don't try to help me, you know what they say about trying to help an Irishman

*high and giggling* you said wiener

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone who isn’t a professional wrestler.

So into butts I eat donuts hole first from the bottom.

drank some wine tonight might take advantage of myself later

I'm not everyone's cup of ashes.

I want a Viking funeral but while I’m still alive

age is just a number that tells you when you're old

if bsky really does die i guess i’ll go back to writing idiotic things on strips of paper and tucking them into various library books

Just tried looking for my phone using my phone

Polite society can (and should) gargle my balls.

Yeah, the elves are beautiful but I’d rather be one of those hobbit women running around the Shire with no shoes on and eating all day.

"Releasing doves" at a wedding, but it's just me whipping bars of soap at the happy couple

Yeah I have double Ds Dino nuggets Discount wine

“You’re such an old soul”—thank you, I was born world-weary to uncaring parents!

Got banned from subway for moaning like a pornstar when the sandwich artist peeled the deli paper off the presliced cheese

Feeling down? There’s a jar of peanut butter for that. Grab your spoon.

Yeah hi doc, what can you give me for restless leg syndrome but in my brain?

I bought the back end of a '65 Impala so I would never forget where I came from.

I miss the days when it was enough to frame a comedy moment with a jaunty solo bassoon.

Running out of repertoire.

i always carry a cutting board in case somebody tries to stab me

I had me time and I'm going to go have more.

Almost passed out in Costco, and I just kept thinking, “Man, what a tremendous indignity.”

you are dawdling. I am loitering. we are not the same.

i’m totally fine btw, completely normal