Dream a little dream of spontaneous combustion.

My neuro really be diverging today

I wanted to make Skyrim sweet rolls but instead I made bukacakes

when you catch yourself sleepwalking through life use the cartoon eye toothpicks trick for a couple of days and that will teach ya

Everything is in dark mode. My phone is so goth

Reverse cowgirl cuz I’m driving tonight

Bluesky is dead but i’ve been dead on the inside for years and that’s why I’m thriving here. Also I don’t sleep so I post 24 hours a day.

A strict demolition regimen.

Reached the point in my life where the most exciting part of my day is flavour enhancers for my water.

The sad wah-wah sound happens every time someone scrolls by these grade A (sure) skeets

“You’re radiant” thanks, it’s anxiety sweat

I crave the simple things— Deep, human connections. A beautiful sunset. A Fu Manchu mustache made from the leg hair of my enemies. A cheeseburger with a peanut butter milkshake and curly fries. World peace.

knuckle tattoos that say 'i will cry'

Sorry for wanting to spread joy, bro

Her: Grow up! Me: I did, babe, this is as far as she goes.

Follow my dreams? With these gas prices?

I love owls. They terrify me, as they should you. I hope someday to be attacked by an owl, horribly scarring my head and marking me as blessed by the hooty goddess

put my pussy on a diet ten years ago there’s yet to be a riot

aspiring to be a vapid whore, at present only vapid

You’re never too old to act like an idiot

Per reese’s shape, it’s nearly halloween.

Blindfolded and hepped up on sugar, I enter Bluesky with a cudgel and imagine piñatas everywhere.

No longer allowed to work as an obstetrician because I kept saying ‘at your cervix’

how long before the acid reflux dissolves me in my entirety

I say alrighty but nothing is ever alrighty.

another stupid fucking morning

i can’t go out this weekend, my human skin is at the dry cleaners

there’s no way this is the same brain i used to remember phone numbers with

The senses without mention.

Gilbert Gottfried was reincarnated as a raven and he lives really close to my house.

would consider you family but the comments aren’t condescending enough

my seduction technique is to play hard to get, then slowly and sensually reveal that it’s actually just crippling social anxiety

when i leave this earth please feed me to plants

an ass that slaps back

Can't wait to disappoint all the people who follow me when I'm mildly entertaining.

Sorry for the way I sexualized you with my eyes when I stood up too fast.

Just know that against my own will I lift weights just so when I finally need a cane I can hit bad people effectively

Sometimes I just stop talking for days. No one notices. It's nice, like practicing to be a ghost.

watering plants to prince's starfish and coffee and singing it right in their leafy little faces so they know i love them

sleepy weepy girl hours

Just bit the inside of my lip and now I need to go on a murderous rampage.

why yes, i will continue to embarrass myself. why do you ask?

Oh, you refer to yourself as sassy? You seem like a nightmare.

oh baby please don't try to help me, you know what they say about trying to help an Irishman

*high and giggling* you said wiener

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone who isn’t a professional wrestler.

So into butts I eat donuts hole first from the bottom.

drank some wine tonight might take advantage of myself later

I'm not everyone's cup of ashes.