I’d like to begin tonight with a moon acknowledgment. She’s up there. Let’s proceed.

If you have read our collective shitposts, you may be entitled to compensation.

I was shaking my chakras too hard and dislodged my karma

Sorry for what I said and did when I was overstimulated

Whose imagination am I a figment of

A glow-up, but its just me spontaneously combusting

Conquer the world? Buddy, I’m lucky if I can get out of bed two days in a row.

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

It’s ok if you’re not telling, because I wasn’t asking.

*during sex* okay but why did your tone change

I try to spend as little time as possible trapped in haunted oil paintings. The food in there is terrible and the people are all from like 500 years ago so they haven't even seen any good movies

Dear Mastercard, I have concepts of a plan to repay you.

i told myself i have delectable tiddies because kindness starts at home

Feeling unsupported by all major platforms with no planned updates.

You absolutely do not have to hand it to anyone ever throughout history.

Me: Laying around in sexy lingerie is self care. Mattress salesman:

I’ve decided to give in to “gluttony” and “sloth” because I’m an overachiever

Growing a goatee so I look sexier while I'm lying on the heating pad

Goon hard. Goon often.

I know. I get it. Me too.

Thought I was having a heart attack last night and for one brief moment, I remembered what hope feels like.

“do the dew” no, i am not sticking my dick in a can of soda ever again

Touching grass to pick up dogshit still counts, right?

Sometimes life has a really fucked up way of reminding you what’s important.

I just went from greatly amusing myself to Great Depressing myself all in the span of a single thought

Just got SO mad about a problem and then realized I caused it, a memoir

I could really go for a hallucination right now to brighten things up.

I like to pretend I'm being shunned instead of acknowledging the fact that my skeets suck

sat in the wet spot again (dog licking her paws on the couch)

sometimes being an atheist really sucks bc i want so many people to burn in hell

Horizontal cowgirl so I can still use the heating pad

Hey what if I wrote something funny again

Poke my ear with your pencil and whisper jokes to me that the rest of the class can’t hear like it’s 1992

Welcome to your 40s. You get excited about a new duvet cover

[watching murder documentary] Her: That’s not how I would have done it. Me: *never sleeps again*

using a vpn so no one knows i’m posting from the moon

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? How unfortunate for you.

I've deleted more replies than you've replied, punk.

"Cover me!" I shout as I dive on a large tray of rolls fresh from the oven. The giant rolls his eyes and shakes his big head but lovingly covers me in butter and a sheet of foil before he sticks me back in the large bread oven to stay warm until dinner.

maladaptive me time

What’s it called when you're smart but everything you do is fucking stupid?

unpacking clouds from my picnic basket and releasing them into the air like balloons

Permitting myself to wallow a bit today

Getting out of bed in the morning seems like a massive commitment to a day I don't know

Why are you all following back bots? Fake plants don't need to be watered.

It’s always “I wanna post a banger” and never “I wanna bang a poster”.

Please read my posts in order of palpable desperation.

You bring a sword to a sword fight. I bring a dildo. We are not the same.

The algorithm slid into my DM’s. “Not performing as intended.”

the floor was lava cake. sorry i ate your floor