A French press but for balls.

[waking up]: ugh what the fuck now

don’t care how clean your house appears, will be showering as soon as I return to my sacred quarters

Glazing my ham. Thought of you

24 years ago this morning my ex and I had some of the best, loudest morning sex ever. the cool breeze from the open window covered our bodies as we went at it like animals. after we were done I brought my coffee outside to smoke a cigarette and realized the neighbor kids were doing their egg hunt

I would love to be the “check yourself before you wreck yourself” type, but I’m more of a “hindsight is 20/20” kind of girl

Hope someone is writing all this down, we could probably turn this shit show into a musical.

Internet idiocy: rate me on a scale from 1 to Carl.

I just wanna lay in the back of a pickup truck in the middle of a field and stare at the stars

Open your mouth and close your eyes, my liege

changing into my plaid slacks for whimsy’s sake

nothing like the smell of rude comments and people correcting your grammar on Easter morning

Your account is an absolute mess Followed

Suburban noise redistribution programs.

my freshman roommate walked around in basketball shorts in the dead of winter and when i asked him about it he just said “i don’t care about my legs” and i think about that a lot

The song stops, but the feelings don’t.

The clearing of this muddiness

go outside sometimes, the stuff out there will make your heart do little flippies 📸: me

If you don’t sin, Jesus will have died for nothing.

They really need to hire more for third shift Bluesky.

fancy feast but for humans

I read something translated yesterday as I am dumb and found out it really means I have been dumb and I will be dumb so anyway you can use that as your affirmation today if you need one

Sometimes in talking to myself, I break the English language. Oops.

The whole world is obsessed with forgiveness without any acknowledgement of the harm caused, and fuck that.

if anybody wants to lady-and-the-tramp a foot long glizzy with me

I think my cat hates me because I won't give her wet treats every 5 mins.

I only have to press 'play' inside my head to hear your voice.

I sure go through a lot of horrible shit for someone who's really sweet and kind.

The gibs which haven’t made the cut

Aghast at your nose wrinkling toward my very correct, very American pronunciation of the word cuckaburro.

Swallowing handfuls of peanuts in the hope that one may choke me.

I confuse people. They don’t know what to say to me.

Did I ever tell you the story of how I almost ran over Vin Diesel in my Acura?

i do be yearning

Taking some more feminist psychology courses so i can focus my rage more appropriately.

Looking for someone to remove my spine and play it like a harp until it feels better. No weirdos.

Wide awake with my thoughts

Reverse cowgirl so I can disassociate without you getting angry this time.

do more flitting today

When I'm talking to my therapist I like to watch the light go out in his eyes

hunger pangs but for a time of whimsical contentment

My kids are at that adorable terrifying age where they realize I’m just a person. Heaven help me.

this last minute of humanity is taking too long

*returning dreamcatcher* this thing is broken

Writing ‘they can’t all be bangers’ with magnets on the fridge

it could be happening rn and it’s not even trending on bsky that’s some bs

coming out as bisexual (i like cool whip AND reddi whip)

My coffee shop named a drink after me. It's called a "hot mess" and it's disgusting. No one wants it.