I judge myself harshly by how long it takes to find the right emoji

I've been informed that a drug free work place doesn't mean the drugs are free.

I'll never be your beast of bourbon

New rule: you can be naked in a hoodie

make my heart race, not my mind

I’m determined to do anything I set my spite to.

Women don’t have spank banks, we have toy stories.

Unfortunately every word you write activates four more assholes.

I can't be mildly amused until after I've had some tums

There's a neat stack of freshly laundered granny panties next to me in bed I wouldn't mind moving for the right nacho platter.

Me after bluffing my way into a forensic accounting job: “Nope, no blood or fluids on this spreadsheet, either.”

Yes Netflix, I’m still watching. Bold of you to assume I have a life.

I prefer the “idea” of people.

let’s get high and play toys

Fully-Articulated Penis™

i wish i was a seahorse so i could get my husband pregnant

Thin crust pizzas are great because I can eat 2 of them for dinner

spin me in your web and leave me till spring

just sneezed and pulled something in my back so,

the internet is basically just everyone who should be in therapy yelling at each other through 1s and 0s instead

They say "write about what you know" and that is why my posts are full of shit

vacillating between no worries and many worries

My faith in humanity is agnostic

I have downed so many drugs, chemicals, vitamins & minerals today and now we wait…

they should invent a kitchen trash you can take out that is less than 106.8% full

been thinkin a lot about boobs today

They cut out the part of me that dreams. It was a little man. I was deaf to his screams and they took him away from me

I see your horniness and raise you yearning

Is this bear getting ready for hibernation because I'm starving and nothing is filling me up!!!

Feeding a Cheeto to the snail that lives in my bong.

Girl math says using Apple Cash for groceries means they were free

I'm tired of things costing money, I need things to cost cat hair

Do I want to smoke weed or just sink ever deeper into this depression.

Forcing all of you to sit in the car with me until my song is over

Just a girl saying "anywhooo" after being very weird

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

he’s only a 4 until you see how clean the inside of his microwave is

two of my favorite people are capricorns, somehow.

I need to stop fomenting things

Turns out you can’t catch the mice in your home with thirst traps.

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

I just wanna sit on your fa…..ncy furniture

it's called "coca cola" because it used to be made out of real coal

All my lists are analog and some of you are on them, stapled or um, stuck to a wall through some method or another.

Boob, but make it a double

my anxiety runs on auto-pay

my people-ing battery is dead. just put me on the charger and forget about me until next year.

before the year ends, tell me

i'm a snacker, not a fighter

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?