Jerk it like you stole it.

I’m venturing outside in the daylight for the first time in… weeks? Months? Please clap

I will suck your dick if you come over and run custom firmware on my router

Night terror

Could you tell I had a meatball in my mouth the entire time we fucked?

🗣️ WE DON’T WANT TO CHOOSE OUR AD EXPERIENCE

Being in a bubble is fine. Just ask Glinda, the witch that was good.

I get why the stingray stung me but he didn’t have to be such a jerk about it

so dance, fucker, dance

i wrote a haiku about your dick and posted it on bluesky please respond

*cuts apple slices and chucks them under the porch for the rabbits my dog bringing in apples he found outside

I think the rest of the universe ignores Earth because we are all so stupid here.

first pink rose bloom of the season 💞

The day turned out too warm for my frock coat and bipperty-bopperty hat.

If you keep feeding the monster it will just get bigger.

Sorry I missed your email. It was on purpose. Kindest regards

This staircase, like you, could use a good railing.

My face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m high

I don’t get how some of you can smile in mirror selfies. Like, how can you smile when you’re looking at your sworn enemy?

That oh so satisfying KER-SPLAT of finally hitting what is your actual rock bottom.

Give me a shower that's a car wash for a person.

Anytime a country musician starts singing about the wife that left him, I immediately take the wife's side

I would sleep, but my demons are up playing UNO with the bats.

I play hide and seek with the monsters under my bed!

Sometimes we get so busy watching our back, that we miss whats happening right in front of our face.

I'm not a friend with benefits. I am a friend with drawbacks.

I'm going to go be evil.* *cry before bedtime.

I just wanna be a lil hummingbird. Flying around all cute and twitchy.

Filled a backpack with obsolete Canadian pennies and jumped out of a plane.

I have vague and troubling memories of going to cataclysm when I was young.

I look unemployed most of the time.

my fitness goals are making coffee and wandering aimlessly through my yard taking photos

Someone should do something about all the assholes

*me and 35 burritos forming a human centipede*

I like bubbles, ball pits and my head on your crotch!

If I say that I am attracted to you, it's like a turkey vulture to the abandoned carcass of a seal on shore.

Her: Ben, you make me feel a certain kinda way. Me: Is it bad? It’s bad, isn’t it?

My most often used sound effects are: beep, pew pew, boop and kapow, in order of popularity

oh i see dystopia for me utopia for thee

Just got a text from ColoGuard that said, “u up girl?”

If it turns out that there is a heaven and hell, I'm screwed. I owe people money in both places.

you're in her DM's, I'm flying directly into the sun. we are not the same.

You have a thingyness about you, to be specific.

One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re watching a storm from your porch while saying “we needed this rain.”

I just looked at myself in the mirror for the first time today. I bear a striking resemblance to Doc Brown from Back to the Future. I’d fuck me.

Halitosis of the soul, what does the local pharmacist prescribe for that?

my front door has a neat security feature where it sticks hard enough you’d assume it was locked

I'm being sued for copyright infringement because I invented a laser that turns people into Karens that I named the "Rachel ray"

Doctor said I have to lose five bones.

Deleted a thread because I realized I didn’t care that much