if you’re a robot you have to tell me

I feel you, deer guiltily eating a dinner roll

One man’s totally unhinged is another’s super adorable

a bee has been hovering outside my window for like 10 mins straight and i know intellectually it’s probably just confused but emotionally it feels like i’m being summoned

Don't you interrupt me while I have thinking face.

When you slide into my DMs, you’d better bring cake.

and as you start out on your journey of life remember that the biggest threat to your security and well-being is this thing i personally helped bring into the world and continue to profit from and uh wow ok well booing me while i'm speaking is extremely rude do you know who i am

“My sexy rampage continues,” I whisper as I finish another 1000 piece puzzle

I am going to scream. Yes, we should expect every author to check every citation and make sure it's real and accurate! That is academic research! That is the whole point! WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Operating at the speed of joy.

I let a Gen Z dress me for the clerb AMA

Only Satan approves of the new subway gates

Oh no oh no I said something spicy

Is this the line for after sex sandwiches

We're going to run on 4-year scarcity cycles now where you won't be able to get some critical component like RAM chips or compute or empathy.

The most I feel trapped in a hostage situation is when I feel compelled to use a exclamation point in a work email.

Feel like ‘slim chance’ and ‘fat chance’ should mean different things.

im looking at beautiful women on my phone, and you can too

9pm: yawning 2:12am: time to become a scholar on uncontacted tribes

Detective: So they were fast as lightning and fought with expert timing. Anything else? Me: Did I mention that it was a little bit frighteni- Detective: Yeah, you said that

Hey gang you may have seen that my dog Willow had to have surgery on her right hind leg. The surgery for her left hind leg will be later this summer. I'm looking for help paying for these expensive procedures. Please give anything you can and share the link here and on other social media.

Never apologize for doing the right thing.

i have never once come to my senses and i don't intend to start now

if ur a girl with whimsy & optimism they will try to kill u by stealing ur light

For the most part, I would say that struggling to pay your bills does not make you a better artist, but it can make you a bitter artist

It’s my song, I can do what I want

I hope aliens are real because I'd like to try their milk.

but they were all of them deceived for that body was not too bootylicous for them babe

Yes, please make me take an IQ test for a job application and don’t tell me my score, this won’t bother me at all

How many days until you say I love you?

I remember buying a blazer with a friend at the Nordstroms in Toronto and our salesmen told us how nice it was to help people with smiles on their faces and it made me think about how many grumpy rich assholes he dealt with on a daily basis.

“You are a very nice person, I don’t get to talk to many nice people” - this Verizon rep is breaking my heart over here (I’m not even being nice but could have screamed and didn’t)

Saw an annoying post but I’m being so brave about it.

Icarus: so how high can I go with these? Daedalus: the sky's the limit Icarus: uh okay cool

People who kind of look like people I know, please quit it. I have enough going on right now without this.

it is normal for a 50 or 60 year old man to be an unabashed lana girlie. my name is frances meh and this is my story. did you know that there's a tunnel under ocean blvd

Such a rush ripping apart fishnet to get at those slutty sweet potatoes.

once again, just spitballing, what if we just provided for everyone's basic material needs

Put the guitar up for sale. Asking $2k but will discount for a good home. DM if interested.

i bet the person that discovered fire probably thought they were going to get in trouble at first

bluesky is kinda like the mcu except everyone's superpower is depression

Happy Mother's Day from this legend

“Damn girl is your pussy as fat as that ass?”

He feels like the half time in a rock song

That’s, frankly, the most attractive thing I’ve seen today

Cleaned up my first electric baby

It's fine if your first draft is terrible. The first draft is just a seed. It doesn't look anything like the plant. You pour time over it and it grows.

He pulls a candle stick on the wall in the corner of his library. A wall shifts, opening to reveal a passage to a spiral stone staircase. He walks down to a secret room filled with acid-washed jeans. "Soon," he thinks, running his hand across the fabric. "Very soon..."

god forbid a French rat live out his dream of becoming a chef on a cruiseship

Beginning to think the Delete and Report Spam button on my phone increases the spam