I am not a catastrophic flood expert but maybe we can build a massive canal system all over the world so that the two foot rise in sea levels goes somewhere. Does that work?

Cool.

I have finally found what fits with the catchiest riff I have ever riffed

And a lifetime of glowing recommendations

Infinity figures for breakfast and 3/4 of the pie

Oh my laughable life

All end of year "best of" lists that do not include me are invalid.

After a week among humans I regret to report that everyone is relying on the AI summary for everything.

no plans means no plans to cancel

Seeking a ghostwriter for my book about motivation and working hard, please submit a detailed outline and sample chapter

I make really good paper airplanes ~me, flirting

Everyone on sleds and making big forts for epic snowball fights and puppies losing their minds. I know you will not let me down, Lord Savior. Amen.

I achieved these 2025 New Year’s resolutions: get paid for my biz work, volunteer consistently, find rehearsal space, enjoy the process of my projects, keep up healthy things like veggies and gym and good sleep, and being more confident I failed at being less of a loner and having lots of hot sex

Damn

My after Christmas pretend it’s summer picnic

the week between christmas and new years is for moving from room to room with your bag of treats

Right now, it’s me and a growing collection of too many stuffed animals for a thirty-something, no one will mind if you intrude.

I made chicken salad and summer soup so we can put on our sunshine clothes and pretend to have a picnic in the snow storm.

I’ll just be over here writing love songs for everyone I’ve ever met, thinking of him and how I’m too afraid to call cause I never have and who knows what’s happening on the other sides of the spectrum but I hope it’s the best

Show me I’m your one and not a choice

No one has enough leftovers to sustain life throughout a moderate winter storm in a city where stores are open regardless of weather, thus, the grocery store is a madhouse and a land of desolate produce

It’s a more universal feeling

I just spent two hours customizing my resume and writing a cover letter for a single job application. If anyone actually reads it, I might have a chance!

I wrote an odd to the charming man at Bowery Electric, in this version, he is single and thinking of me constantly

I've started to see arguments that we have to get used to AI Slop coding even if it isn't great, because it's fast. Humans could go faster, too, if they're allowed to turn in stuff that only sometimes works. Such a fascinating double standard that will in no way come back to haunt, naw.

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

pro tip: scams can’t work if you never answer the phone or texts or emails or open the door or get out of bed

merry fairy fingerpicking guitar times (not necessarily a Christmas tune but I think it sounds pretty)

Bro, if this is another partridge in a pear tree I stg. Did you even look at my list?

Life is a million big beautiful moments

Missed connections: a British man who found his way to one of my gigs many years ago. I normally don’t want to talk to anyone after a show, but it was some sorta magnetic connection, and felt as if neither wanted the meeting to end. But he had to go home to his girlfriend, and I never saw him again.

So now we’re back to the idea that people who are alone must be that way because they’re bad. In my experience, the worst people I’ve ever met were masters at weaving webs of dependency and mutual obligation, and woe betide anyone who tried to slip free.

In my head you’re always ringing, whispers and shy singing, I wish harder to know the sound of a full volume you

Everything I know about you I learned from myself.

I'm your dad today. Love you, I'm proud of you, and if anyone tries stopping you from being your most authentic, happiest self, I will destroy them. Merry Christmas.

You may now proceed with having a Merry Christmas

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!

Ummm but have you wished Jesus a happy birthday yet, bro?

Those words in the search for fun

My sister just hit one of Santa’s reindeer with her car going about 65 mph and I thought we were going to die but if your presents are late, that is why

Fairytale of New York ✨🗽🎄❤️

Maxing out on gluttony and sloth and vices makes being a beacon of health and wellness easier

If there is a single man at your holiday function who is the kind of man you would want your daughter to date, please tell them how they should meet your online friend Stephanie, tysm

Dreamt my apartment exploded but no one was hurt and my guitars survived, and then Selena Gomez and Lady Gaga came to fetch me on horseback and we galloped through the fields until they decided to duel and then I woke up, kind of a nightmare, but a nightmare lite

the world will make you think that every blessing has to be financial, so you underrate the gift of life, family, health & peace of mind

Hey hey, it’s ok to admit I’m right

It's time for the yearly x-mas fiction, my gift to you. This year is a sequel to last year's (though you can read it by itself) about a group of goblins that just want to bring their friends joy. And so I give you: The Goblin Toymakers, Too. Enjoy!

Paint me like one of your dumb fucks

i’m under ur christmas tree rn, eating ur presents