pro tip: scams can’t work if you never answer the phone or texts or emails or open the door or get out of bed

merry fairy fingerpicking guitar times (not necessarily a Christmas tune but I think it sounds pretty)

Bro, if this is another partridge in a pear tree I stg. Did you even look at my list?

Life is a million big beautiful moments

Missed connections: a British man who found his way to one of my gigs many years ago. I normally don’t want to talk to anyone after a show, but it was some sorta magnetic connection, and felt as if neither wanted the meeting to end. But he had to go home to his girlfriend, and I never saw him again.

So now we’re back to the idea that people who are alone must be that way because they’re bad. In my experience, the worst people I’ve ever met were masters at weaving webs of dependency and mutual obligation, and woe betide anyone who tried to slip free.

In my head you’re always ringing, whispers and shy singing, I wish harder to know the sound of a full volume you

Everything I know about you I learned from myself.

I'm your dad today. Love you, I'm proud of you, and if anyone tries stopping you from being your most authentic, happiest self, I will destroy them. Merry Christmas.

You may now proceed with having a Merry Christmas

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!

Ummm but have you wished Jesus a happy birthday yet, bro?

Those words in the search for fun

My sister just hit one of Santa’s reindeer with her car going about 65 mph and I thought we were going to die but if your presents are late, that is why

Fairytale of New York ✨🗽🎄❤️

Maxing out on gluttony and sloth and vices makes being a beacon of health and wellness easier

If there is a single man at your holiday function who is the kind of man you would want your daughter to date, please tell them how they should meet your online friend Stephanie, tysm

Dreamt my apartment exploded but no one was hurt and my guitars survived, and then Selena Gomez and Lady Gaga came to fetch me on horseback and we galloped through the fields until they decided to duel and then I woke up, kind of a nightmare, but a nightmare lite

the world will make you think that every blessing has to be financial, so you underrate the gift of life, family, health & peace of mind

Hey hey, it’s ok to admit I’m right

It's time for the yearly x-mas fiction, my gift to you. This year is a sequel to last year's (though you can read it by itself) about a group of goblins that just want to bring their friends joy. And so I give you: The Goblin Toymakers, Too. Enjoy!

Paint me like one of your dumb fucks

i’m under ur christmas tree rn, eating ur presents

You are the gift, bro

Lmao my mother bought Christmas presents for my sister’s boyfriend’s kids and my sister hasn’t even met these children yet

tonight’s 🌙 through my 🔭

Objection, your honor. Boring af.

I am making a list of benefits of moving back to Ohio, send help

☑️ cookies for Santa ☑️ sugar for the reindeer ☑️ tasteful nudes for the elves

no offense but if you have the head of a human, the body of a lion, and the wings of an eagle i will not be answering any of your fuckass puzzles or whatever

How do you live in places where you have to get in a car any time you need anything and not go insane?

I wish that damn grinch would steal christmas, then we can be done with this nonesense once and for all

Maybe you weren’t being abandoned. Maybe you were being released.

Saying something weird and logging off for it is out of my head and no longer my problem

Is that a Festivus pole in your pocket or do you just have some grievances to air with me?

The Princess Bride is a Christmas movie

lighting my fireplace from here on out to keep that man out of my house

The hair was having a day

When they describe baby Jesus as a “holy infant so tender and mild” he sounds like a basket of buffalo wings.

I'm so good this year that Santa will come twice maybe three times

only one more shopping day to find that perfect spice for a baby

Her: Come over and help me remove my G string. Him: *drives like a maniac* Her: *answers the door with a guitar in her hands*

I am backed up to infinity and beyond and beyond the beyond (in a good way)

For no reason, thinking about back-assed “compliments”, one of my faves has been, “I see your potential even if you don’t”, or the variant, “I saw your potential before you did.” Neither of the phrases help. Just for the record😁✌️

I can’t say there is anyone I know who is trustworthy and of good intentions who would have reason for vague posting about having people killed or hurting people or generally playing mind games with others. That is sick and disturbed person behavior.

I will be whatever the occasion requires, and you will be a fraud.

Being brazen and irritating, as a treat.

In this essay, [famous redacted author] will discuss how liberal powerbrokers are scumbags who only care about keeping power within their circle of elite stupidity. Or, they will talk about how they decided to change their ways and stopped being losers at everything but sucking their own dicks.

Our need for power and control and gatekeeping for our own personal gain have caused us to fail over and over again, let’s do more of that!! 🎉🎉