roses are red grass is green snow is white poetry is easy

As read by Marge Simpson 💘

Sending telepathic flowers and chocolates to every single one of you

one must imagine sisyphus continuing to think rocks are really cool

The absolute hugeness of it.

The fucked up parts make it more endearing

My silly lil love song, now on Bandcamp, just in time for Valentine’s Day 💞

I think I need cake

This is my lucky day, it must be!

In my next life, my heart will also probably be hopelessly devoted to you

i’m sending you all one conversation heart each for valentine’s day so if you want a specific one lmk now

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

If something wildly romantic happened to me I’d probably have a panic attack or pass out, so good thing we don’t have to worry about that tmrw

if friday the 13th fell on the 14th this month, it would make for a very scary valentine’s day

Second base is when we work a jigsaw puzzle and hold hands while wearing matching sweaters

My wife's review of olympic men's hockey is "not enough sex"

Thoughtful discourse and not being stupid or cruel, you would think that would not be impossible

The “you must drink the koolaid 100% of the time and do nothing but love the koolaid and don’t you dare say anything bad about the koolaid” is probably how humanity ends

Every day is a battle of the part of me that wants to be social and fun and active in the world and the part of me that wants nothing to do with the kind of society we’ve built

I got back on dating apps because of my dating app and people are real dicks on dating apps, damn

I’m half kidding but also it is nice leaving the house without the weight of everything else that is going on in the world joining you for every minute of your journey

Not having cell phone service is a very freeing experience, we should go back to landlines and pagers

Don’t blame me I voted for the chord changes in Bold As Love

I have to write emails that will take 2 minutes to write but instead of writing the emails I will think about the emails for 2 hours or 2 days or 2 weeks and then maybe never even send the emails

Let me yell at this cloud for a minute: WHY does a bass amp need Bluetooth and WiFi? It just needs OOMPH and UGH

I’ve got a great big imaginary world where we’re in love, you can walk in and try it whenever you’d like

My dad used to have "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak as his text tone. It played every time he got a text, and it would continue to play until he checked the text. It was absurd.

Life feels so much lighter when I imagine you sitting in the other room, laughing in the background, being there for later but here now

It’s soul cycle, but with sex machines

socrates: the unexamined life is not worth living me, examining life: well this sucks

just wanted to let you know babe, you've got some drops of jupiter in your hair. nope other side.

Don’t worry, we can fix this > WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING

My new hobby is watching my bots totally mess something up and then spiral out amongst themselves in 15 wrong directions until you point out that it’s not that big of a deal

Sorry I can't make it, I'm rewatching Dawson's Creek

i can post worse if you give me a chance

I’ve really improved my hydrating, can we start sexting again?

If I can’t make noise, I don’t exist.

I found my kids' tiktok account where they secretly record me telling stories and count how many times I say "mind you this was before cell phones". It has a quarter of a million followers

i told my dad i was switching his phone to dark mode and he said don’t do that i need to see happy things

This chorus gets stuck in my head

but that’s my emotional support magical thinking

This is my commitment to never drafts

Might as well flirt with the fruit

I’m sweet talking to my grapes again

[flirting] wanna watch me eat all 20 inches of this ikea hot dog?

We could be having so many good times and big smiles together so ummm why aren’t we doing that?

See, should have just drafted that (repeat forever)

Why ppl weird (derogatory)? Ppl stop be weird (derogatory)!

Oops, I broke it (a daily ritual)