While the pines paint the sky.

I have absolutely bit off more than I can chew, but there’s no one else to chew it.

Religion is what happens when mansplaining gets out of control.

The all corrupting power of wants becoming needs.

Your skin looks great, what have you been doing? Every night I douse myself in tears and microwaved butter.

You might be wondering why I asked you here today

The harbingers of the happenstance.

Well dearest, it would seem you’ve missed yet another opportunity to push me down the stairs

if anyone wants to get me a Christmas gift I’ll take a trip to Fiji or a hug

Don't watch me break down a cardboard box unless you want to fall in love with me

don’t get mad. get odd. like incredibly odd. show up in a clown suit to their work. draw potatoes on all their mirrors. make them be afraid.

Thank you for the half-assed effort. It truly meant a lot.

Building a community around me (lying on the ground covered in ants)

Come milk my hands I put on too much lotion

If the answer isn't "add seven more plants," then I guess I just don't understand interior design.

Stop coming to my page to repost everyone but me you soulless shits or I swear to fuck I’ll just die of a broken heart right now

The dark always plays its part.

Distance grows wherever you let it.

I was having an episode but skipped ahead. Already seen that one.

Self awareness is a helluva drug.

Looking at those dirty dishes like they are a final boss I’m several levels too weak for every time.

words are dumb anyway here’s wonderwall

put on some jnco's and let's dance in the rain

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have dementia. I’m just severely anemic.

Dissociating! In The Shower

Boss: Time to discuss the bottom line. Me: You mean the crack? Boss: You're fired.

Wanna know something terrifying? The people you see on the internet are all around you in the outside world.

I think there may be some people who never learned how close you can safely follow another car, and they all drive F150s

My relationship with my cat is contextual. Sometimes I am his dad. Sometimes he is my boyfriend. Sometimes I'm Tommy Lee Jones and he's Harrison Ford and I don't care whether he killed his wife or not.

I’m a silly vessel for so much unyielding sorrow.

my biggest kink is feeling like she likes me

*continues joyless chewing*

Unfortunately I’ve been saying all my weirdest most genius thoughts out loud to my children and then completely forgetting them. I’ve got nothing left for you.

I used to be young. Now I feel a little badass when I close the oven door with my foot

friend: so, you're still too depressed to work? belly dancer: yeah, I just can't seem to shake it

[dr frankenstein weighing dongs in both hands to see which one feels heftier]

Not to brag, but someone once liked me for an extended period of time.

I was not expecting the Pop-it Wikipedia to be such a roller coaster.

Infodump about your current hyperfixation in the replies, I'll read it and give a thoughtful and sincere response, and maybe a follow-up question.

I wonder how many people are gonna catastrophically fuck up thanksgiving by using chatgpt for their recipes

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

you utter fools you absolute twats you fuckers of mothers I love you

I know I'm not supposed to get the feels over my 18 year old playing GTA5 with my 10 year old, but when your kids are giggling because they stole a boat together, it's hard not to get emotional.

Babe what's wrong did you have a minor negative online interaction with a stranger five days ago

You: “What are your hobbies?” Me:

I always get sad around this time of year because I cannot continue wearing my favorite moss-covered hat without risking significant plant loss due to damaging frosts.

they should make a hug you can buy from someone who really means it

Sometimes you have to talk to yourself out loud because your brain won't listen to your inside voice