I’ve been paying Benjamin Gibbard to crack me open & sew me back together for 22 years. And dammit if he doesn’t do it perfectly, every single time.

Every day I wake up & I see something on the news that makes me think, “Now they stood beside the treasure, on the mountain, dark and red/Turned the stone and looked beneath it, peace on earth was all it said.”

You: “What are your hobbies?” Me:

I’ve never been nonchalant a day in my life, about anything. I’m just not built that way. That’s like going to a Michelin star restaurant & asking them to undercook your chicken. It can’t be done. I’m very freaking ‘chalant’.

One of my favorite hobbies is reminding people how many very famous songs Shel Silverstein wrote. Technically, it wouldn’t be wrong to call him an honorary Highwayman.

You don’t actually need a Halloween costume if you think people losing SNAP benefits is funny. You’re already an absolute ghoul.

Morning.

One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is treating a magical thing like it’s ordinary.

I have clocked in for the afternoon shift at the cutie patootie factory.

This hurts.

Ian Watkins was a pedophile & the person who just killed him in jail should get a reward. I said what I said.

“Don’t respond to that, it’s rage bait”.” Honestly? I truly don’t care if it’s “rage bait” or not. Words can hurt people - a lot. And I want someone who is hurting to see that somebody else out there actually gives a shit.

I have to draw my eyebrows on now before I go out and the hand tremor is STRONG today. This could accidentally go Oscar the Grouch so quickly. Send thoughts & prayers (and a laser level).

It’s a complete & total waste of a Harvest Moon to not be bumping Neil Young full blast today.

The two best forms of self care during these trying times we are living in are: 1) deciding to do a Ted Lasso re-watch 2) punching Nazis

Everyone who heard Stephen Miller’s wife refer to him as a “sexual matador” should be entitled to financial compensation. Jesus Christ.

I don’t know why we have to go through this rapture bullshit every year when we all know full well that the only person who would actually get raptured is Danny Trejo.

Stop doing Nazi shit if you don’t want to be called a Nazi. Easy peasy.

Clearly “Earth, Wind, and Fire” did not do a good enough job getting y’all to remember that it’s the 21st of September…

We don’t even have a day in the United States, where we observe the assassination of RFK, but RFK Jr supports having a day to observe the murder of Charlie Kirk. Just something to think about.

TIMELINE CLEANSE: Most things are awful right now but my sister & her wife just had the most perfect baby & now I’m an aunt to a kid who I already know will change the world. (Also my little brother keeps saying she’s Robert Redford reincarnated.)

I’m not going to let grown adults who are still too selfish and lazy to make the trip to Auschwitz-Birkeneau tell me “anti-fascism” is terrorism. Get bent.

In light of today’s news I’d like to remind you that this is a real newspaper clipping. History repeats itself when we don’t stop it.

It seems my estimates were off, so I'm sitting here waiting for my next GoFundMe donation to hit, & I just gave my cats their last can of cat food. I will need to get more soon. GoFundMe is a waiting game. If anyone can help, I appreciate it www.paypal.me/ChristopherW... venmo.com/u/Crystal-Wi...

The air raid sound you hear outside The White House right now that won’t stop isn’t coming from The White House. There are about 10 extraordinarily brave women standing w/ bullhorns outside set on a looping alarm reminding everyone what it sounds like before war tears your entire world apart.

Few lines in America cinema knee me in the gut quite like “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.”

Nobody is prepared for my Renaissance Fair outfit. And I’m gonna have cute, freshly shorn elf hair just in time for it, too. NOBODY IS PREPARED.

At least my weird hyper fixations are timeless. Nobody is gonna be talking about a Labubu in 20 years but they will never stop talking about spontaneous combustion.

They’re blaming this on Etsy witches. Personally, I wasn’t part of that because I’ve been focusing my hexing efforts on Pam Bondi’s hairstylist never being able to give her decent roots.

The people renaming the USNS Harvey Milk are telling us we should fly flags half staff for Charlie Kirk out of respect.

Steve Scalise was shot in front of all his friends - the actual lawmakers - and it changed nothing. This will change nothing.

I will never, ever condone violence but my “thoughts & prayers” are reserved for good people.

2025 keeps showing me that my “FUCK SCOTUS” necklace is appropriate attire for absolutely everywhere so I’m going to keep wearing it.

It’s been 23 years and I still miss him so much.

There is one certainty as to what childhood vaccines are responsible for causing - adults. Childhood vaccines are responsible for causing adults.

Thank you to Senator Maria Cantwell for giving me my new go to response to annoying men: “Stop interrupting me - you’re a charlatan.”

10/10, no notes

Breaking news! I’ve officially broken ground on the build out of my password protected blanket fort.

The entire internet is dictator edging right now.

I don’t think a lot of people understand that almost nobody goes into public health for any other reason than wanting to make a difference. It’s a thankless job for the most part. And that’s why this is so egregious. We’re supposed to “look for the helpers” but they’re fucking firing all of them.

I’m not arguing with laymen on public health issues anymore. You don’t do what I do. All you do is talk out of your asses at me, speaking on things you think happen in buildings I’m allowed in that you aren’t. Stay rude, hateful and ungrateful in your own lane.

When it’s finally time for the Nuremberg Trials Part 2, I will be sitting by the gallows with popcorn, selling merch.

I don’t want to hear shit about ‘thoughts and prayers’. My father is a rabbi. So yeah. I know from thoughts and prayers. And they were never meant to ‘fix’ the things that free will has given us to be able to fix on our own. Fuck your thoughts and prayers.

I’m sure the internet will handle Taylor Swift’s engagement news in a completely normal and not terrifyingly parasocial way.

When you live in your own little world, you can bring your own little world with you everywhere you go. ✨

She’s a regal bitch.

He doesn’t need to build a ballroom. He & Ava Braun should build a bunker.

They just washed the floors in 7Eleven. I’m in sneakers & Sam Cooke’s “Twistin’ the Night Away” is playing. The twistin’ conditions are SO GOOD & I’m about to either break a hip or take out the pastry case with my pelvis.

I’d rather be an overly empathetic nerd than whatever the fuck happened to half of this country.