where’s the manual on how to restore myself to factory settings

I'd like to be alone now please sign out.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Not heartbroken, not moving on, but an insufferable third thing

I grew up in the 80s so I think I know a thing or two about saying no to drugs

i apologize for what i said before i had my first cup of gravy

Like the huckleberry, I can tolerate shade but fruit better in dappled light

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

The older I get, the more I sympathize with the Grinch hating all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE

You’re in his DMs. I’m scribbling his name in crayon on a white padded wall.

Knowledge is power but the dumbest guy you know is probably doing amazing.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight; I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

We are on year 8 with some of these gift bags and I think that's beautiful

When people say to me “I’ve had enough of your nonsense” I give them a little more of my nonsense, in case they were just being polite.

You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone when you believe in Santa.

I see you. You're doing the best you can and I'm cheering for you ❤️

The kid who rang up my booze on Christmas Eve raises praying mantises. One is named Alpha and the other Beta. He catches crickets to feed them. I used to be his little league coach. I’d like to think I had something to do with this.

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

Every time I think a reference might be too old, BlueSky skews 5-10 years older than that.

Trusting politicians to do the right thing is like trusting me not to eat all the donuts.

Don't ask me for advice. I have a favorite serial killer.

If the answer isn't "add seven more plants," then I guess I just don't understand interior design.

Welcome to your 40s, your dessert is now antacids

only gonna watch stranger things cuz I’m curious how they’re gonna explain the kids being like 30 now

Rap battle but it's just reciting your favourite sides for thanksgiving

i almost never understand what any of you are saying

I’m grateful that so many things are none of my business.

Don't tell me "you'll really like these people".... I'll totally prove you wrong

I just assume everyone's already dead until confirmed otherwise.

Ya do me a favor would you, hold on to anything beautiful & good w a grip while things get uglier

If you say ‘all things being equal’ it’s a reasonable assumption that you suck at math.

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal

Body count? Lays or murders?

I met a weird girl and within 20 minutes she had me eating nerd clusters straight from her hand like a horse

Stockholm Syndrome is actually very nice and I love it now

I will break into your house to turn down the thermostat so help me

accidentally cloned myself and our food bill is going to be atrocious

I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock

If you’ve dated more than one Walter you’re letting them Walts right into your life.

one more into the coin jar, aka the pennytentiary

I’m rehearsing for Thanksgiving by crying hysterically while eating mashed potatoes with my hands.

Building a new stretch of road called Dead Man’s Curve. It’s going to be great, the kids are gonna love it

H. P. Lovecraft had a better name for writing porn than sci fi and horror. Just sayin’.

I just love fall. Bathing in pumpkin spice latte, eating crunchy leaves, eating sweaters knitted from the hair of my neighbors. Hard to pick a favorite really.

When they used to pick ppl for teams in gym I’d just disappear & walk around the halls, find teachers on break & ask how the fam was doin

Listen kids, when you stare into a rain cloud for too long it becomes a mirror

Christmas puns will ruin this place. Yule see.

You know how when you uncover enough universal truths you reach a free personal one, I just got a realizations on off switch