You know the economy is getting bad when middle aged white men on traveling salesman salaries can only afford the one family

Sometimes selective amnesia is a sword and sometimes it’s a shield. And sometimes it’s another thingy, I can’t recall what.

I promised my truck that when it’s time, I’m gonna put it in neutral and let it roll off a ledge into an old quarry

I carry around a lot of nevers.

Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?

Not to brag but I can now carry $250 worth of groceries into the house with one hand.

My mind never goes blank, it just wanders off like a vagrant

I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.

I wish people could live in peace, not just rest in peace.

I'd like to be alone now please sign out.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

I grew up in the 80s so I think I know a thing or two about saying no to drugs

i apologize for what i said before i had my first cup of gravy

Like the huckleberry, I can tolerate shade but fruit better in dappled light

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

The older I get, the more I sympathize with the Grinch hating all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE

Knowledge is power but the dumbest guy you know is probably doing amazing.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight; I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

We are on year 8 with some of these gift bags and I think that's beautiful

When people say to me “I’ve had enough of your nonsense” I give them a little more of my nonsense, in case they were just being polite.

You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone when you believe in Santa.

I see you. You're doing the best you can and I'm cheering for you ❤️

The kid who rang up my booze on Christmas Eve raises praying mantises. One is named Alpha and the other Beta. He catches crickets to feed them. I used to be his little league coach. I’d like to think I had something to do with this.

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

Every time I think a reference might be too old, BlueSky skews 5-10 years older than that.

Trusting politicians to do the right thing is like trusting me not to eat all the donuts.

Don't ask me for advice. I have a favorite serial killer.

If the answer isn't "add seven more plants," then I guess I just don't understand interior design.

Welcome to your 40s, your dessert is now antacids

only gonna watch stranger things cuz I’m curious how they’re gonna explain the kids being like 30 now

Rap battle but it's just reciting your favourite sides for thanksgiving

i almost never understand what any of you are saying

Don't tell me "you'll really like these people".... I'll totally prove you wrong

I just assume everyone's already dead until confirmed otherwise.

Ya do me a favor would you, hold on to anything beautiful & good w a grip while things get uglier

If you say ‘all things being equal’ it’s a reasonable assumption that you suck at math.

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal

Body count? Lays or murders?

I met a weird girl and within 20 minutes she had me eating nerd clusters straight from her hand like a horse

Stockholm Syndrome is actually very nice and I love it now

I will break into your house to turn down the thermostat so help me

accidentally cloned myself and our food bill is going to be atrocious

I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock

If you’ve dated more than one Walter you’re letting them Walts right into your life.