Sad to hear about Spirit Airlines. I only flew with them once, but it was $17 each way to Vegas, and my seat came with a half-eaten sandwich in it. You can’t beat that.

This email could’ve been you figuring it the fuck out on your own.

Silent reading is never truly silent reading because the voice in my head screams.

There's really no problem that can't be solved with just a little bit of denial

I gaze at pizza like mothers gaze at their newborn children.

Never regret anything you've ever tried in life. Just regret that you took pictures while doing it.

Accidentally said “all worries” instead of “no worries” and I’m just going to use that going forward

My teenager is interviewing at Wendy’s and I’m just like tell them your Dad used to eat there a lot.

"you have the clutter of a much larger house", my guests all seem to notice, but do not say, bc they are polite

You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

Thanks for the dinner party invite. How much anesthesia should I bring?

Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

I've been hungry like the middle wolf that nobody cares about ever since the Duran Duran sorting hat put me in Nick Rhodes

Life is one long moment of letting it sink in

The Dark Ages but with the Expanded Sports Package

the embarrassing thing about buying plants for your house is admitting you care about things

Most of the time the antidote is to simply stop taking the poison

Prepping for my colonscopy by drinking bone broth, and this is the closest I've ever felt to Gwyneth Paltrow. 🥰

My stomach hurts. I wonder which one of my 70 unhealthy habits is causing it this time.

beautiful morning to dig up soil ✨🌸

me after unhinging my jaw and swallowing an entire rotisserie chicken: girl dinner

Please don’t call me when I’m outside smiling at dogs.

I’m like a rose in that I would like you to toss me in an open grave.

Peeps are not to be consumed, they are to be studied.

You always know a celebrity has hit hard times, because that's when they really buckle down the finances, and stop buying private islands.

You know the economy is getting bad when middle aged white men on traveling salesman salaries can only afford the one family

Sometimes selective amnesia is a sword and sometimes it’s a shield. And sometimes it’s another thingy, I can’t recall what.

I promised my truck that when it’s time, I’m gonna put it in neutral and let it roll off a ledge into an old quarry

I carry around a lot of nevers.

Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?

Not to brag but I can now carry $250 worth of groceries into the house with one hand.

My mind never goes blank, it just wanders off like a vagrant

I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.

I wish people could live in peace, not just rest in peace.

I'd like to be alone now please sign out.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Not heartbroken, not moving on, but an insufferable third thing

I grew up in the 80s so I think I know a thing or two about saying no to drugs

i apologize for what i said before i had my first cup of gravy

Like the huckleberry, I can tolerate shade but fruit better in dappled light

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

The older I get, the more I sympathize with the Grinch hating all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE

Knowledge is power but the dumbest guy you know is probably doing amazing.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight; I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

We are on year 8 with some of these gift bags and I think that's beautiful

When people say to me “I’ve had enough of your nonsense” I give them a little more of my nonsense, in case they were just being polite.

You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone when you believe in Santa.