if only we’d taxed the super rich, they wouldn’t have been able to buy our government and kill us 😀

what the world needs now is to watch the astronauts eat spaghetti

Millions of American voters wanted to be villains. They came to believe it’s the key to success, while goodness is weak, woke, loser stuff, done only to signal. Offered the option of unvarnished villainy, they enthusiastically took it. Seeing others suffer more made them feel big. And here we are.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

This is not the rhetoric I expect from a FIFA Peace Prize winner

Boy it’s humiliating being a human being with feelings and needs

"i would misgender trans hitler" *everyone gets mad at me for increasingly confusing reasons*

My college roommate let people hang out while I was passed out drunk with my left boob hanging out of my tank top. When I woke up and found out I was like thank god it was the good boob, this could have been embarrassing.

Why are the soup sizes cup or bowl when cup sizes were right there? We could have had a B-cup of chicken noodle or a double-D of beef barley.

A television show called "Is It Cake?" where a panel of judges rate cover versions of Short Skirt Long Jacket

tl;dr: Research attn span shrtr 1/3

FRANCE: we're fancy WORLD: ok FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our national lunch WORLD: FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich with an egg is its wife

I mistakenly went to the No Kinks rally this past weekend and IT SUCKED

i refuse to work until every last kitkat is returned

tl;dr: Research attn span shrtr 1/3

It’s always hard to say no to your supervisor.

please my typos they’re very [sic]

trying to figure out how to pass a message from my innie (me inside the shower) to my outie (me out of the shower) that we’re low on body wash

my internal monologue:

Shouldn't Tiger Woods's caddie recommend when to use a driver?

Was talking about doing a Battle of the Bands competition where the musicians all have to write and then perform the theme tune to a theoretical James Bond film and fear I may have accidentally invented Straight Eurovision.

no mr. bond, i expect you to talk. wait. what'd you say

just once i’d like to see a group of brazen international thieves pull off a daring heist in narrow daylight

I'm dead inside and that's how the ghosts got in

Offline people are like

A computer can never pack a bowl therefore a computer must never make a playlist

Akira Kurosawa wasn’t “visiting the set of KINDERGARTEN COP”. That’s absurd. He was there because he was directing the picture.

No babe, your silence is perfect, responses kinda scare me

some crazy shit went down at Target today

When you're too drunk to stay at the club but your jam hits as you're walking out the door

it was a hoot . ow owww

me, turning my head sideways: ow bff: what’s the matter? you slept funny ? me, thinking about how my owl impression at work yesterday went terribly awry: yes

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was something something something...

my favorite kind of pelvic thrusting is involuntary

I'm more egg than man at this point

who called it an american express credit card statement instead of an ae iou

I liked ranch before it was cool.

It was originally made of Shepherds, which is why there are so few of them left today

it’s cool how fencers say ‘on god’ before they fight

cloachy breaky heart

Some argue that daylight savings is good. Some argue that daylight savings is bad. I would argue that whatever time of day it is... is none of my business.

(me, after doing exactly 15 m8nutes of yard work) Babe! Come see! My arms are all veiny!

(me, after doing exactly 15 m8nutes of yard work) Babe! Come see! My arms are all veiny!

I like to keep a soul destroying glass rectangle in my hand at all times. you know, for fun

Don't even tell me about the heights unless they're wuthering

I just don't understand how people can sell out. Seriously, tell me. I want to do it.