THE MEME IS REAL

aw shit one of the Peanuts kids is a murderer

imma write a book about philosophy & call it “I Kant. Even” or “I Used to Get High. Marx” or “For Hume. The Bell Tolls” or “Bacon & Eggs-istentialism” or “I Feel Like Thoreau-ing Up” or

just got my dna results back ☹️

On top of everything else, the comedy history nerd in me loves Kimmel even more this morning for this deep cut, a cut on a scale so immense as to dwarf any previous such cut in the history of man.

I can’t explain the “writing on bullets” trend but it’s definitely a healthy sign that we have stylistic fads in mass shootings

Like a good neighbor, State Farm fucks me in the ass twice a year.

BREAKING NEWS: TYLENOL RESEARCHERS FIND DISTURBING LINK BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN

GET IN THE CAR! WE NEED BROCCOLI NOW!! FLORET!!!

we arent on the autism spectrum,, we r acetaminofriends

Sorry, I'm just seeing this, did yall get raptured

You know what’s good about being old? Not a goddamn motherfucking thing. Except the cursing the cursing’s good .

slapping a giant “bought it before he went crazy!” sticker on my tesla coil

uh oh i can hear dishes getting put away loudly… better not go in there

Sorry, I'm just seeing this, did yall get raptured

me, as a dom: I will make you beg...for me to stop talking about the history of fetishization of bondage in Western Literature starting with classical Greek texts

up in heaven after the rapture i just saw god take a tylenol

I’m a bitch I’m a lover Sorry we don’t Take Discover®

leading prayer at bible study, and casually slipping in that I have a waterbed

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

feel like the increase in rapture prophecies is a recession indicator

[youth pastor voice] you know who else got cancelled only to return in three days time?

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

What if Trump is Raptured? Would that be good or bad?

I think I'm at the point where I hope the conservative christians are right and they all get raptured tomorrow

Trump: don’t take acepitoemponoene RFK Jr: *moth crawls out of mouth* A nude man is in the background, only referred to as “the colonel” Person watching on tv: well if they say so

It was the Chumbawumba-est of times, it was the Jamiroquai-est of times...

If you get raptured in the middle of having diarrhea, how's that work? Are you spewing either physical or spectral diarrhea over the whole neighbourhood on your way up? I was raised by atheists, they never taught me this stuff.

Heard the jerk store was just bought by private equity. Guess I better purchase more of you before they declare bankruptcy in 6 months

My wife is watching the Dallas Cheerleaders documentary in another room. Every time I walk in, there is a different beautiful young woman crying because of how she looks. Insane.

I shaved my ears for this?

If you had told 24-year-old me that I would someday go to the mat to defend one-half of The Man Show, a TV show that literally had girls called “juggies” who did nothing but jump on trampolines, I would have been like “huh okay maybe it’s not the best time to go into the feminism business”

Bullshit "noise-cancelling" headphones only cancel the noise outside my head.

*stepping out of a time machine in 2007* I come from the future - the most consequential men in society are the hosts of the Man Show, Fear Factor, and the Apprentice

[to the tune of The Distance by CAKE] she's reading the discourse she's scrolling through skeets she’s all alone (all alone) all alone in her Bangers feed

here's a resource for if you've been doxxed. share widely docs.google.com/document/d/e...

Damn I thought girls loved living under constant threat of the most alcoholic parent in the district demanding they prove they have a vagina

What people think they 80s were like versus what the 80s was actually like.

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

Did you know you get a 5% discount at Dollar General if you restock and front one of their disheveled aisles?

(Job interview at Waffle House) interviewer (emotionless voice, dead eyes): would you say you thrive in chaos?

(Job interview at Waffle House) interviewer (emotionless voice, dead eyes): would you say you thrive in chaos?

My daughter is playing fantasy football for the first time this year. She chose her players based on who had the kindest eyes. Reader, she is 2-0.

Did you know you get a 5% discount at Dollar General if you restock and front one of their disheveled aisles?

Saved you a click: they beheaded a horse

I’m tired of people expecting me to do something just because I know how to do it and they’re paying me

30s me and 40s me teaming up to go back and beat the shit out of 20s me