Wisdom is realizing that DEVO was the coolest band of the 70's

You ever just sit down and realize that the rise of 21st century fascism is capital's answer to climate change?

Geopolitics is complicated.

hell yeah i’m a gamer

I feel like if you encounter a vampire and they aren’t rich that improves your odds substantially. Bro is immortal but couldn’t figure out how to get compound interest to work in his favor, he’s not exactly a mastermind. Keep your wits about you and you’re probably fine.

writing about stainless steel clad, cast iron, and carbon steel pans; pondering the impermanence of life vs. the indestructibility of a good alloy

everyone loves to picture the yeti, majestic, pure white fur framed against a brilliant blue sky as it stalks the frigid cliffs of a craggy mountain. well, I’m sorry to say that if you think about it for even one minute it’s obvious the big guy’s legs would be absolutely slathered in piss and shit

Teaching religion to kids can’t be too hard. Like listen kids, today we’re listening to Agent Orange’s Living In Darkness album in its entirety. Pay attention. Take notes.

i like when it’s cold out because it reveals who i always suspected was breathing out of their mouth

We don't get to choose what people will remember about us after we die. Friends might recall a nice thing I did for them. Family might think of the times I made them smile. But if I could choose, I'd like to be remembered for all the really offensive things I've said to children.

I hope the goth girl in my high school sex ed class who grabbed the banana during the condom demonstration and slowly squished it while making eye contact with our teacher is doing okay

I'm going to hand this jar of capers down to my son

me: she said she never managed to earn in prague as much as her east german grandmother's pension my mom: and what did this german grandmother do during- me: oh please don't start

Sometimes when I feel blue I watch Ryen Gosling interviews on YouTube and pretend he's my buddy who made it big

Sandwich: The Ultimate in Lunchtime Technology

Mike Johnson is going to not hear about things you wouldn't believe

Finding out you’re done after one wipe is like being kissed by an angel

i’ve said this before and i remain convinced it’s true, the 2028 platform that would deliver obama 08 results is “i am gonna bring the hammer down on the corrupt self-dealing politicians and their rich friends and there are no sacred cows id give a pass”

If you're hungry they're hungry (the wolves)

woodstock’s manifesto

Stockholm Syndrome is actually very nice and I love it now

My text hand is strong

My pimp hand is smelly

I passed the bar exam easily but that’s because as an adult I know how to vet reliable shamans. Kim is built different I guess 🤷‍♂️

Repost with an iconic fictional band

god opens a window after he closed the door. whoopty shit, open the fucking door back up, we're human, you made us, we go through fucking doors you dipshit

I've always said the lungs should have a drain at the bottom but God is so sure he knows everything. Can't tell that guy nothin

Speed dating is when you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

Not sure but big things are happening on Every Character Is A Hateful Asshole

Are they releasing Yelling & Strife all at once or week by week?

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

Getting old is so extra. I used to just wake and bake but now I wake and ache and bake.

10:28 p.m. (slips casserole into oven)

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

Listen kids, when you stare into a rain cloud for too long it becomes a mirror

When they used to pick ppl for teams in gym I’d just disappear & walk around the halls, find teachers on break & ask how the fam was doin

hahaha all my pictures have been NFTs you guys owe me so much money

(pulled over by cop) Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? *I nod down to my lap where a Subway BMT sandwich sits* Cop (visibility shaken): I...I don't want any trouble

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

Everyone, I ouija boarded Lincoln's ghost and he said the new White House bathroom is "too gross to piss in"

An Air Canada flight right now

A huge shout out to the singular teen dressed as the man in the yellow hat from Curious George who knocked on our door to trick or treat at 9:40. Absolutely bizarre vibes man

Givin’g ‘em the ol’ razzle dazzle.

Nice to know Marlins Man doesn’t have Game 7 juice

You know what? I hope they do put in a dislike button but, like, only I have access to it.

what I think of when you say "dislike button"

baseball fights are sooooo funny because they just mill around when it COULD be way more violent, like sir you have a bat in your hand

{\__/} here’s the windup ( • - •) ⚾️< \ {\__/} and the pitch ( • . •) / >/ ⚾️ ☄️ {\__/} fuck ( ) | |