Telling the grieving widow of an asshole “Thank you for your loss”

If you read or share only one article today, make it this: HOW TRUMP HAS POCKETED $1,408,500,000 (Historically, one thing that has helped bring down authoritarians is public awareness of their use of the power of the office for self-enrichment.) Gift link:

I have done it. I have made french onion soup. I never have to do it again.

I need to hit a lot more séances if I'm going to meet my goal.

[to the tune of mmmbop] Umlaut

They should make a protein bar that tastes like cigarettes.

Did too much laundry and now I have nowhere to put it (a poem).

[Joe Pesci voice] You mean, let me understand this cause, you know maybe it's me, it's a little fucked up maybe, but I'm jaunty how? I mean, jaunty like I'm a boulevardier? What the fuck is so jaunty about me?

BREAKING NEWS: I have just been informed that it is in fact Monday night and not Sunday. More on this story as it develops.

People who have to carry around the weight of their big heavy boobs all day shouldn’t have to pay taxes

[Invention of 69] HER: I’ve sucked your dick like a thousand times, will you please go down on me just once HIM: I’ll do it on one condition

What’s it called when you have ugly crying face and you’re not even crying? I have that.

“Any self-respecting…” ok I’m out

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Acting this way may get you attention from boys but it won’t make them care about you, it won’t make them respect you, are you listening? ME: May get me attention, yes, got it

I have done it. I have made french onion soup. I never have to do it again.

Please do not mess up my Weaponized Algorithm.

Your god wants fast-talking preachers with slick hair to buy private jets. My god doesn’t need to be called god and listens to A Love Supreme with you

Be the sweet ass mix-tape you want to hear in this world

you have to be a pretty terrible fruit not to have a song named after you at this point

I wanted to get into Taoism but I can't grow the damn wispy goatee

Bridezilla vs. Mothra-in-law

these granny panties could use more pizazz Ima bling ‘em out with the word swampy in sequins

“Gumbo Weather Returns to Southwest Louisiana” is how our news people let us know it’s cold again

proud cautionary tale logging on

My wife says she wants, no, DESERVES to be reincarnated as an oblivious male. What does she mean by this?

I am a machine that turns coffee into avoiding work

I like my coffee like I like my women: confident, positive, sexy & supportive. I've never had coffee like that but i'm sure I would like it

sighing deeply and turning my alarms back on

again chicagoans need to grow a set and stand up for themselves. deep dish is the superior pizza, you don’t have to do this cowardly whimpering “oh actually we like thin crust that’s cut into squares for no damned reason” thing. this is why the rancid packers have been clowning you for 30 years

they should invent citizen's arrests on bluesky

What kind of noise machine do you prefer. The kind that goes wheeeeeeeee or the kind that goes shooooooooooo?

christmas music is pretty good if you want to know about the lore

We are on year 8 with some of these gift bags and I think that's beautiful

Marriage is great because somebody has to put up with your bullshit when you're old because you made them laugh when they were 22.

Being from Louisiana means seeing a truck filled with crawfish traps and getting STOKED

Being from Louisiana means seeing a truck filled with crawfish traps and getting STOKED

Decided I’m too pretty to suffer

Marriage is great because somebody has to put up with your bullshit when you're old because you made them laugh when they were 22.

One way that the reaction to Rob Reiner's murder mirrors Charlie Kirk's is that the best way to eulogize each of them is to quote their words, and in both cases, doing so pisses off conservatives.

They're selling you the same pasta in different shapes and you're falling for it

What radicalized me? Watching this as a kid.

This is your annual reminder that the Time Person of the Year award is NOT meant as an endorsement, for example they gave the award to Adolf Hitler in 1938, 1939, 1940, 1941, 1942, and 1943 (when the magazine was renamed Hitler Monthly)

Being an adult is mostly a drag but sometimes you can choose to have freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner

'Tis the thing behind the mask I chiefly hate

ahab is gonna get cancelled one of these days i tell ye

“I fear not thy epidemic, man,” said Ahab

Scientists now believe that the human brain--a magic goo for worrying--can also be used to do other things

Don't watch me break down a cardboard box unless you want to fall in love with me

I don’t wanna hear a damn word about my daddy issues when men literally need replacement mothers, not girlfriends.