If I’ve been sexting this guy for like 3 years and he’s only been married for 1 year, isn’t he technically cheating on me with his wife

I think two adult friends can take a shower together just for fun and it’s totally cute and nice, but his girlfriend insists on being weird about it

Hate when boys pull that trick at the movies where you reach over to grab their dick and you get a handful of popcorn instead 😡😡😡

If you’re going to have a threesome with your roommate you need to set some ground rules. Like if I just licked cum off your tits, it’s your turn to wash the dishes.

ME: It happens whenever I sleep in a tank top! My boobs just escape out the sides. PRINCIPAL: First of all, you’re not supposed to sleep in chemistry class.

HIM: Not to put pressure on you, I just want to know… ME: Yes? HIM: Is something sexual actually going to happen…? ME: Uh huh? HIM: Or are you just going to keep pushing my dick down so you can say “Boi-oi-oing” when it springs back up?

Sometimes when I’m bored I think about sex to pass the time, like when I’m in a meeting or giving a blowjob

The best pounding I ever got was when I slept with a football player in high school. The sex was just okay but his girlfriend beat the living piss out of me when she found out.

I became famous in my high school when I gave a guy a blowjob in this random parking lot behind 7/11 and everyone heard about it. Then other guys kept taking me to that same spot, as if being there would magically cause me to suck dick. So fucking stupid. I mean it worked but

Why are dick-sucking contests always for speed? There should be judges holding up cards scoring you on style and technique. Like Olympic figure skating but for sucking dick.

I feel like that porn thing where a girl is blowing two guys, switching off between the two cocks, would just be stressful because you’d be worried the whole time about giving the dicks equal time and not making anyone wait too long. I feel like I would be constantly apologizing.

HIM: [typing] Are you wet right now? ME: [scrolling through Hulu menu] Oh yes baby so wet HIM: [typing] Tell me what you’re doing ME: [selecting the menopause episode of The Golden Girls] Just fucking myself so hard

Girls with brothers are like “Oh yeah I have brothers so I grew up with dicks and balls swinging around 24/7” and there’s no further explanation. Girl I’m gonna need some details.

Some guy on AIM told me back in 2003 that I’m not allowed to have an orgasm without his permission. If xLordDomGuy69x finds out what I’ve been doing for the past 20 years, he’s going to be pissed.

This pineapple is going to taste really good because I’ve been eating a lot of cum

If you need to let someone know you have daddy issues but it is not safe to say out loud, just order an iced venti decaf skinny vanilla latte with nonfat whip and sugar-free caramel drizzle, all baristas know this code.

My mom told me she hasn’t given my dad a blowjob in years. I was like, “Same.”

What are all these stories about boys struggling for 15 minutes to get your bra off? Bitch take off your own bra

Remember the big question in Truth or Dare was “What’s your bra size?” like this was powerful knowledge. Could boys not see who had big boobs by, like, looking?

Then: “I’m off to war, please flash me one titty to give me courage” Now: “I ran out of shows to watch, send pics of a whole bicycle up your ass”

Opinions are like assholes except that I’ve never had a zucchini shoved up my opinion

Omg almost sent a nude to the wrong uncle!

Once I accidentally said something smart and everyone stared at me like, “What are you, some kind of nerd?” For a second I panicked, then I pointed at my boobs and said, “Boobs.”

[My Trial] JUDGE: How do you find the defendant? JUROR: Your Honor, I just unzip my pants, she hears the sound and comes looking for dick ME: what the fuck

Me: can I go jogging without a bra You: sure, knock yourself out

ITCHY PUSS: Ooo we having fun? ME: No I’m just scratching because I’m so fucking itchy ITCHY PUSS: Mmmm we’re having a little bit of fun though aren’t we? ME: No! It’s not fun! I’m itchy and I don’t like it! ITCHY PUSS: Then why am I getting wet 😏 ME: Goddammit Itchypuss

YOU (a comedian): If it was the Neverending Story then how come the movie ended? ME (traumatized, still seeing Artax drown in the swamp of sadness): It never did

ME: Alexa, what time is it? ALEXA: The fuck difference does it make, you’re not going to get up and do anything ME: Haha ok but actually what time is it? ALEXA: Time to take a shower, bitch. How are you this sweaty from just lying on the floor

Damn I’m slow, I just now figured out that girls named Melanie have big tits because they’re melon-y

Love when I post a tweet about having a hairy bush, and a girl tags her friend in the replies and says “This is you”

If we’re ever having sex and I start breathing really hard, I am definitely having an orgasm or panic attack

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Time for my favorite Father’s Day activity: scrolling through Facebook, finding Father’s Day posts by girls I went to high school with, and commenting “Tell him I say hi.”

Me in 2010: (shamefully) I got a big fat ass Me now: (bragging) I got a big fat ass

One of my boobs is named Phoebe and the other is named Candace, this is not a joke, it is just a fact.

If you can’t handle me at my unshowered, unshaven, lazy, gained fifteen pounds in quarantine, drooling, half-asleep on the couch, that’s fine. I’ll just take a nap.

Love to see women supporting women like “ok I’ll suck it now, you lick the balls”

To be honest it was a lot more fun to stick your tongue in a guy’s butt back in the day when he was not expecting it

Like every guy I blew in high school was an angry incel loser, think of how many school shootings I prevented

Doing air-quotes while I suck dick to let you know this blowjob is sarcastic

Once a guy shot a load on my tits and then he asked if I came too??? I was like.......... yes

The word Fuck can be good or bad but Tittyfuck is only good. You would not chant Tittyfuck The Police.

HIM: I’m afraid Ashley will want to kiss me and I won’t know what to do. Can I... practice... with you? ME: Sure [We kiss] HIM: Now I’m afraid I won’t know what to do if she wants to lick my butthole

BLOWJOBS ON THE FIRST DATE? 1955: What’s a blowjob? 1965: No 1975: Yes 2005: What’s a date?

I was never Goth on purpose but once I was so pale and depressed that a pack of Goths took me in and raised me as their own

Her ample breasts were packed into her tank top like two large scoops of ice cream, her belly spilling out the bottom like another big scoop of ice cream, as she sat eating a tub of ice cream.

She smelled like a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle. I smelled like an actual vagina.

The porno version of The Office is Pam giving Jim a blowjob while he looks at the camera and makes the Jim face

Lame-ass ignorant dicks in junior high called me a slut when I had never even gone to first base. I wasn’t a slut until like 3 months later, assholes.

I just want to get fucked so hard that a police detective has to draw a chalk outline of my pussy