HIM: I did 69 with my sister’s daughter ME: Niece

HIM: Why can’t I find a nice decent respectable girl who likes me? ME: [can’t answer, his dick is in my mouth]

I wet my pants at school in third grade but that’s not the embarrassing part. One jackass boy kept teasing me about it in junior high, but that’s not the embarrassing part. The embarrassing part is that I sucked that boy’s dick in high school.

If it wasn’t a sex thing, putting a guy’s dick in your mouth would just be a funny adorable thing to do, like look at me, I’m so playful and silly

[Me at 15] GOD: Is Chloe still a virgin? ANGEL: Yeah looks like she’s just doing oral GOD: No sex though right? ANGEL: Just a bunch of dicks in her mouth, cum on her face and tits, cum all over her, so many dicks GOD: I’ll just write down “virgin”

That story about five blind guys touching different parts of an elephant, but instead of an elephant it’s my naked body and there’s no lesson, just five dudes with their hands all over me

areolas so bumpy, a blind guy felt me up and thought it was a haiku

Married guy on Facebook thinks he’s hot shit because he felt me up behind the 7-11 twenty years ago. LOL dude. Who didn’t.

ME: I was so depressed. I stopped doing my homework, stopped even trying. I had dark circles under my eyes. I didn’t wear makeup, didn’t put on a bra. THERAPIST: That sounds like a really hard time for you. Tell me more about them titties.

ME GETTING FINGERED: Is the door locked? Check again. Do you think the neighbors can hear? ME GIVING A HANDJOB: These seats are great! Fuck, the show’s starting. Do you want to finish in my mouth or

I wish my ex was here to fuck me every time I wash my hands, it would make it so much easier to time 20 seconds

That teacher who kept encouraging me when I was too depressed and lazy to do anything, he kinda wanted to shoot a load on my tits, right?

suck *checks notes* my dick

Having sex is like riding a bike: you never forget how, it hurts my vagina, ring a little bell while you’re riding, always wear a helmet

What the fuck is a panty raid? A cabin full of horny girls and we probably would have given you handjobs AT LEAST, but no, you grab some undies and leave? Bro, you could have got those at Marshalls.

HIM: Eat my cum off a Girl Scout— ME: I’m out HIM: —cookie ME: back in

ME: But in the movies the lady reporters just walk into the men’s showers and it’s fine DAVID BECKHAM: You’re not a journalist and this is my home

ME: When I was your age an SD card meant you were certified in Sucking Dick NIECE: Do you want me to help you upload your pics or not

Forty days has September, April showers and November, In like a lion, cause I am a champion, You’re gonna hear me roar in December And a partridge in a pear tree

Once a guy thought I was his girlfriend because I drunkenly flashed him in the park. We never kissed, never held hands, never went on a date. I found out we were a couple one week later, when he broke up with me. That is the most confused I have ever been in my life.

You’re the right amount drunk and high in the woods when you squat and pee behind a tree and you need a leaf to wipe your vagina and you ask the leaf very nicely out loud to not be poison ivy

I’m a woman online, AMN (ask me nothing)

You know those woods you went to to get drunk and hook up when you were a teen? Those weren’t real woods, it was like 10 trees in back of a kids’ park. You squatted and peed behind a tree when the bathroom was like 500 feet away. You gave a blowjob fifty yards from a see-saw.

[Me at 13] ME: my reputation is “loser dork, no friends” HIGH SCHOOL BOY: I can give you a new reputation ME: great! HIGH SCHOOL BOY: you’ll now be known as “total skank” ME: *Captain Picard voice* make it so

If you’re into girls who are “broken,” “damaged,” have “daddy issues” or “low self-esteem,” you’re a pig and a pervert and my DMs are open

Roses are curvy Violets are slim Once I got fingered Behind the school gym

They say gamers are pathetic and need to get laid but this gamer dude said something about a hit box and I said “Hit my box” so who’s horny and pathetic now

I sent a pic of my vagina to Steve from Blue’s Clues and he did that Blue skidoo thing into the picture with his dick

But if your pussy is totally shaved, how can you shave your bush into a Christmas tree as Santa intended

Shut, and I can’t, the fuck, stress this enough, up

Flight Attendant: Is there a slut onboard? Me: Yes, how can I help? Flight Attendant: The pilot is having a sex emergency Me: *tearing my shirt open* I’m on my way Dad: What the fuck is a sex emergency Me: Shhh you’re not in this fantasy

My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”

[Baseball game] ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex HIM: What? No, baseball came first ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

ME: *giggling, putting feet in stirrups* So doctor, did you ever try and count how many vaginas you’ve seen? OPTOMETRIST: Yours is the fourth, ma’am. Please read the top line

Boomers can’t deal with trans peoples’ pronouns but their fuckin boats identify as she/her, lol ok bro

When I was a teenager and I was talking to my cool teenage friends I forgot the word cunnilingus and I called it snuffleupagus by accident but I don’t think about that anymore, not even every night when I’m trying to fall asleep

I absolutely refuse to follow or interact with anyone who follows or supports anyone who would refuse to support or follow someone who interacts with any person who retweets anybody that would follow someone who doesn’t support someone who unfollows anyone who blocks a person who

The term cumslut makes me wonder what other kinds of sluts are out there, and should I be one of those? Cum is great, I just want to explore my options.

ME: Willy Wonka’s factory, but instead of chocolate it’s rivers and fountains of cum GOOGLE MAPS VOICE: I can only give directions to places that actually exist you stupid slut

The opposite of Jane Goodall is Tarzan Badnone, suck my titties

FUN GAME! List 5 real concert experiences and 1 lie. Guess which 1 is the lie! 1. Jerked a guy off at Guns ‘n’ Roses concert 2. Jerked a guy off at Pearl Jam concert 3. Smashing Pumpkins (2nd base) 4. Ani DiFranco (got fingered) 5. Metallica (gave a BJ) 6. Saw Coldplay

PROFESSOR X: What’s your power MYSTIQUE: I can change shape PROFESSOR X: We already have a shapeshifter MYSTIQUE: The rest of the time I’m naked and blue PROFESSOR X: Welcome aboard, let’s fight some fuckin crime

Me: my favorite Disney princess is Resting Bitch Face Niece: you mean Sleeping Beauty? Me: yeah whatever

Sometimes when I masturbate I use the other hand so it feels clumsy and useless like if a man was doing it

ME: How many different flavors can I sample? Haha I swear I just want to pick the best one RECEPTIONIST: For the last time this is a sperm bank, they are not called “flavors” and we do not give samples

When I was in high school they discovered a peephole between the girls’ locker room and the janitor’s closet. I’ll never forget the look on old Mr. Johnson’s face when he found out we’d been spying on him for weeks.

A simple haiku caught your eye— the reason is (BOOBS) subliminal

ME: Please send up a bottle of your finest champagne ROOM SERVICE: The manager has asked me to remind you that the delivery man will not give you a fingerbang ME: *snooty tone* In that case cancel the champagne, and send the chocolate cheesecake

I love overhearing random conversations, like today I heard some lady say “Why does that bitch keep trying to eavesdrop on us, also she is way too fat to pull off that slutty top!” Lmao so embarrassing for whoever she was talking about

Slut-shaming is evil and awful and gross and should never occur, unless of course the person enjoys being slut-shamed, which I do, so what I’m really trying to say is, bring it on