[commenting on a porn video] *you’re

HIM: I’m dating Stephanie now ME: Right HIM: So you can’t sit with me at lunch ME: What about jerking you off behind the gym? HIM: That’s fine

If you don’t like my piercings you can just take your dick out of my nose

FRIEND: Would you be interested in going to a sex party? ME: How is this different from a regular party? FRIEND: You have sex with random people right there at the party. ME: How is this different from a regular party?

I did a tweet about sucking dick in a 7/11 parking lot and a guy DMed me, “I need to hear this story!” I’m like, you just did.

You’re a married man, there’s no way I’m showing you BOTH of my tits

A DM so bad, even the dick pic has bad grammar

I’ve never traded sex for money but one time I sent someone a vagina pic in exchange for a favstar subscription

I don’t need to be the one you send nudes to, I just want to be the friend who checks your nudes to make sure they’re good to send

Having a dick in my mouth is so fucking funny. Yes, I know it’s sexy and omg so hot and blah blah blah, but also: hilarious

Sorry I ate your boyfriend’s cum but honestly. Someone gives me a cookie, I don’t go around and ask the name of every single guy who jerked off on it.

I’m naked under my clothes. Not in them, under them. I am lying naked underneath a pile of clothes.

Why are guys obsessed with pussy and then it’s like their 6th favorite place to finish

Guy offers a dick pic, you say ok. So he sends it and asks for your nudes. You tell him no, and he’s like then why the fuck did I send you mine? I DON’T KNOW, STANLEY, WHY DID YOU

I would never make a move on someone else’s boyfriend/husband but nothing in the rulebook says I can’t lean my titties into a hug a little

A vagina pic so close up that it isn’t even sexy, it’s just kind of like… what the fuck is that

When I was a teen my neighbor said he’d introduce me to real “grown-up sex” but he just wanted to fuck me like any other guy, he wasn’t shoving tax returns up my ass

I used to go skinny-dipping with friends at midnight and everyone else was invisible in the dark but my big round pale white boobies glowed in the moonlight

In college I went to a “naked party” and everyone was in bikinis and sheer tops, I was literally the only one bush-out naked and a senior girl told me I was “making people uncomfortable”

Can we be real for a minute, tittyfucking is mostly the guy jerking off

Why does this app have so much upslut

Why are the soup sizes cup or bowl when cup sizes were right there? We could have had a B-cup of chicken noodle or a double-D of beef barley.

People often ask if my tweets are true stories, so here’s a rule of thumb: if it’s about me being a slut in high school, it’s true. If it’s about me being a slut now, I’m lying, it actually happened in high school.

Once this guy was sexy-texting me and I said “slurp slurp” – he asked if that was me sucking his dick and I said no, in my fantasy I’m drinking a milkshake

“I feel seen” she said, flashing her tits

GOTH KID: Hey would you get naked in my basement this Thursday ME: Sure whatever GOTH KID: It’s for a ceremony honoring the dark lord Satan ME: Cool cool. Will there be Oreos

To the random guys who DM me: You will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER get nudes from me To the random guys who DMed me and did get nudes: SHHHHH

Instead of me showing you my tits, you show me what you THINK they look like and I’ll tell you if you’re right

I told my mom that in France the women go topless and have hairy underarms, and she said I should do 23andMe because I might be French. Do I need to get her a Twitter account?

My college roommate let people hang out while I was passed out drunk with my left boob hanging out of my tank top. When I woke up and found out I was like thank god it was the good boob, this could have been embarrassing.

He said, “You are so cool and mature, most girls your age would not be into this,” but I didn’t know if he meant the jazz or the ass-fucking

Also every month before my period I would get bloated and my boobs swelled up like balloons so the pregnancy rumors were like a special PMS treat

When I was in college I posed for some tasteful B&W nudes, and I’m constantly scared that they’ll show up online and people will think I’m tasteful

I came here to gain weight and give blowjobs and I’m all out of cheese fries

In 10th grade I gained weight and everybody started saying I was pregnant. The teachers heard about it and I got sent to guidance and I had to explain to the counselor that you can’t get pregnant from giving blowjobs.

Guys suddenly deciding halfway through high school that handjobs are useless, a waste of time, the worst. I didn’t hear you complaining about them freshman year, Justin.

Yes, I know your wife is “fine” with you sending dick pics, but I’m still going to need you to send one with her giving the thumbs-up in the background

The difference between a boy friend and a boyfriend is that a boyfriend sees you naked without having to ask, a friend just begs for it constantly

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“At least I was never molested before puberty!” she said, awarding a trophy to every man on earth

When he cancels plans to sext with you and gives some lame excuse like “My wife is in labor” 🚩

Shout-out to all the Good Men who send breakup texts to their sexting sidepieces when they get engaged and do not text “Hey” again until four months after the wedding

Guys think it’s sarcastic to be like “oh girls can get assaulted and say this is fine and then 17 years later be like omg I was raped!” but yes that is literally what happens lol

I knew a girl named Nicole but she spelled it Nichole so I was calling her ni-chole and she said it was wrong so I called her nick-hole and she said that was wrong too so I blew her boyfriend

Scrolling through my tweets to find a “clean” one, found one that’s mostly PG except for one little tiny part about tittyfucking

Guys I haven’t talked to for years suddenly remember me when they’re getting over a divorce, and they’re always getting over it 3 years before it happens

Please tell me I’m pretty and sexy and you are obsessed with me and also do not tell me any of those things and leave me the fuck alone, thanks bye

When I was 15 I was wild enough to make a bra out of Fruit by the Foot and wear it at a party for half an hour, but not wild enough to let everyone eat it off of me and that is the part that embarrasses me

When I was 12 I thought the hot teenage lifeguard was waving at me so I waved back but he was really waving at his hot teenage girlfriend. Now he’s bald and married and sending me dick pics and I can’t tell who won in this situation.

TEACHER: Chloe, I think some of the students are finding your outfits distracting. ME: [wearing a blinking neon sign that says TITS] Well that’s ridiculous