I’ve gotten applause for getting up on a chair and flashing my tits at a party but I feel like it was partly pity claps because I fell off the chair the first two times I tried

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Men have literally no idea what’s what in the kitchen. Once a guy slapped my tits with a pancake turner when I specifically told him to use a spatula.

The prettiest bitch in my high school once said chubby girls are nastier in bed to compensate, and I thought about that the next time I licked her boyfriend’s ass

They call me Cigarettes because I’m the one your dad left to go get

Wilma Flintstone buying Pebbles her first maxipads and they’re all tiny dinosaurs you put in your underwear, so Pebbles grabs a pterodactyl like, “I’ll get the one with wings.”

When I was a kid I thought sex trafficking meant having sex in a car and no one ever corrected me so when I was 15 I was hooking up with this guy in his backseat and we heard a police siren and I was like “oh no, we’ll get busted for sex trafficking” and he was like what the fuck

My mom asked me, “What is bukkake? It’s not on the menu but I keep hearing about it!” I told her it’s more spicy mayo than she’s looking for.

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Acting this way may get you attention from boys but it won’t make them care about you, it won’t make them respect you, are you listening? ME: May get me attention, yes, got it

I played strip poker multiple times in high school and I do not know the rules of poker. I showed my cards and they told me if I won or not. That made sense to me.

When I was a teen this 40-year-old guy brought me down to his basement and it was the creepiest musty old cellar I’ve ever seen, total murder basement, but instead of murdering me he just wanted a handjob which was somehow creepier

They say your dentist can tell if you’ve recently given a blowjob!!?!?! I haven’t been with a guy in a while but I don’t want my dentist to think I’m a loser so when I have an appointment I brush and floss and absolutely throat-blast myself with a dildo

“Any self-respecting…” ok I’m out

SOCIETY: blow this whistle if someone tries to rape you ME: ok I’ll just keep it in the pocket of my dress SOCIETY: about that,

What’s it called when you have ugly crying face and you’re not even crying? I have that.

Throwing up on a guy’s dick is a top trending porn category, so apparently I had amazing pornstar moves in college and was definitely not a disgusting drunk slut

Reverse cowgirl because he’ll last longer without boobs in his face, final answer

[Invention of 69] HER: I’ve sucked your dick like a thousand times, will you please go down on me just once HIM: I’ll do it on one condition

Someone said there are only 4 or 5 tastes but there are 31 flavors and 57 varieties and 11 herbs and spices so that’s 99, plus cum, 100.

Normalize sending gifs of yourself sucking dick as a reaction gif in the friends groupchat

“Do you masturbate?” Me in 8th grade: Me in 9th grade:

They say no one can insult you if you insult yourself first, so I started introducing myself with “hi I’m a dumb fat slut” and I had a great time in college

Who called it fucking a small-dicked lawyer and not being served with a subpoena

Doing “fuck-all” means doing nothing??!! but like it should mean you did EVERYTHING, like “I did fuck-all at that frat party”

People who have to carry around the weight of their big heavy boobs all day shouldn’t have to pay taxes

When you flash just one boob it drives the boys crazy because then they can’t stop wondering what the other one looks like

My tongue so far up his ass it came out his mouth and french-kissed his girlfriend

People thought I was an extrovert because I took my top off at parties but that was 100% social anxiety

Evolution of a teenage girl (in donuts): 1 – old-fashioned 2 – glazed 3 – cream-filled

In movies a guy has a fight with his girlfriend, walks out of the school dance, and there’s immediately a slut waiting outside to hook up with him. Did sluts just hang out in the parking lot so they could hook up with other girls’ boyfriends? Why yes, yes we did.

Married guys be like, I’ll sext you at 9:30, I have to read Charlotte’s Web to my daughter and then I’m gonna murder your pussy

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: We need to talk ME: Oh thank god someone finally noticed I’m depressed and failing my classes GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: What? No I just needed to tell you to wear a bra

If you’re that girl whose mom won’t let you go to school without a bra, so you take it off at school and stuff it in your bag, don’t let it fall out of the bag in class while you’re pretending to look for your Spanish homework, this never happened to me it’s just general advice

Did PMS ever make you feel totally pissed off but also horny as fuck? Like you just want to give a super mean handjob

You know when you have a slumber party at your friend’s house but she’s got this weird brother who seems like he’s probably going to murder everyone at the party? Well that weird brother was the first boy who knew how to finger-fuck me correctly.

ME: [drunk, slurring] Can’t even say “Merry Christmas” anymore... FRIEND: You pointed to your crotch, asked “Who wants this Christmas cookie?” and tried to kiss my dad on the mouth ME: oh excuse me “HOLIDAY COOKIE”

GUYS: Sex for money? ME: I would never, how dare you GUY: Cheese fries and a milkshake? ME: How many blowjobs would you like sir

My period: I’m not coming anymore, you dried up old bitch Also my period: just kidding I’m here and your panties are ruined lol

LOL at these movies where girls just change openly in high school locker rooms. I was topless in the locker room once for a minute and skinny bitches ran off in all directions. I heard someone crying in a stall. Three girls went to the guidance counselor.

ME: Do you want to lick whipped cream off my tits? HIM: Fuck yeah ME: Dairy or nondairy? HIM: Uh... dairy? ME: Do you want caramel drizzle on that? Dash of cinnamon? Pumpkin spice? HIM: This was a big mistake ME: *Venti

If anyone doubts cheerleaders are real athletes, just know those bitches were half my size yet could easily kick my ass every time I fucked their boyfriends

When I was young and insecure I used to apologize way too much, just constantly apologizing. Also my apologies were blowjobs.

In HS art class we were allowed to draw nipples when we copied classical paintings but NOT when we did self-portraits, so I secretly drew my own nips on a Botticelli and the teacher never even suspected.

In 6th grade when we got back from summer break all the kids started calling me Dolly Parton and I was so confused, like when did they even hear me sing?

I always flash by pulling my tank top down, not up. Tits are cool but no fucking way am I showing off my belly.

One of my breasts is a boob and the other is a tit.

I was blowing this guy at a sports game and he came during the national anthem, I was like damn you’re patriotic

12yo me: a dick in my mouth? lol ew I would never 14yo me: [stepping out of time machine] actually it’s not bad at all, it’s kind of fun! 12yo me: really? haha I thought it would be nasty like licking a butt 14yo me: lol ewww no way 15yo me: actually…

DIVORCED GUY: I never know when it’s the right time to tell a woman that I have kids ME: Sometime before I licked your butthole would have been nice

I saw a horse when I was 12 and my mom was like “he’s a boy” and I was like “yeah I noticed” and she was like 😳 and I was like 😳