I donated my body to science but science regifted it to science fiction.

The human body is truly a complex and wondrous thing, who’d have thought that one day I’d find my whole body could be wracked with pain following a solitary sneeze.

M: that’s O: not R: how O: acronyms N: work

After Ernie left, Bert’s life became an amphetamine-fueled whirlwind of after-hours parties, drunken Grindr hook-ups, and multiple arrests for public indecency, finally ending in a stay at the Betty Ford Clinic for “exhaustion” and his membership in the Church of Scientology.

Finally figured out the solution to unwanted visitors.

genie: and for your third wish? me: i dunno, i guess it might be nice to only have to go pee twice during the night

This day in history. 1757. English poet Christopher Smart, also known as Mrs Mary Midnight, Ebenezer Pentweazle, and Freddie Two-Barns Burnett, was committed to an insane asylum by his father-in-law for being alarmingly religious.

interviewer: how are your listening skills? me: absolutely

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

When you have to choose between making that Death Star payment or going to the dentist

My wife and I settle our biggest arguments the traditional way. Thumb wars.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

The ConMandalorian

"Sholomon, King Sholomon."

the wordle yesterday was drunk and it took me 6 rums to get it but i got the wordle in 3

theirs was a love that could never be

gimme the news

is it love? i bet it’s love

“I’m not one to judge” TRANSLATION: Here comes the judgy part!

judge: how do you plead? me: well, I can't speak for the defendant but— judge: of course you can, you’re his attorney me: well in that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

This day in history. 1945. Hermann Göring sent Hitler a telegram stating that he Göring was prepared to take over for him Hitler if he Hitler was incapacitated. This made Hitler so angry that he ordered a halt to all work on the Adolf and Eva Hitler Ballroom then being built above the Führerbunker.

🎵 I’d like to teach the world to use turn signals 🎵

A swollen stinging hand is in the eye of the bee holder.

This day in history. 1906. The Intercalated Games opened in Athens. Catchy title I think the same people named the Quadruple Four Quartet.

[having the birds & bees talk with 13] Well son, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and bees have the best knees!

It’s Earth Day… Hug a tree! - Text the tree the next day. - Start hugging the tree regularly. - Meet the tree’s parents. - Move in with the tree. - Marry the tree. - Stop hugging the tree. - Grow apart from the tree. - Start hugging other trees. - Divorce the tree. - Die alone.

phht. every action hero digs out a bullet. show me one digging out an ingrown toenail

Milk will be $4 a gallon if they ever close the Strait of Hormoos. No YOU shut up!

me: jesus said you have to forgive your debtors bank manager: no me: I’m calling the pope

Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.

[Walking into the bank] I see debt people

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

[car accident] Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

My local gas station must be run by stoners because they’re charging $4.20 today.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time. That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

This day in history. 1968. British Conservative MP Enoch Powell delivered his Rivers of Blood speech against immigration from Commonwealth countries and anti-racism legislation. Party leader Edward Heath demoted him the next day but he did receive the Football Association Peace Prize.

[health app on my phone] did you sign your will motherfucker?

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and other aesthetic-related freak eye injuries.

Telling colorful & compelling tales of roadkill genitalia harvesting makes RFK Jr. a raccoonteur.

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

This day in history. 1518. Bona Sforza was crowned queen consort to Polish king Sigismund I the Old. The name Bona can mean good-looking but she was not bona. In fact when a marriage was proposed for her to young Federico Gonzaga, his mother bit the matchmaker.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea.

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

A tank top under a tank top is an emotional support tank top

"You're just a layabout who thinks he knows everything." "It's lieabout."

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!” “You are SO immature.”

This day in history. 1680. Mohawk saint Kateri Tekakwitha died near Montreal. Her spirit form however kept popping up for several weeks in front of her friends shouting PEEKABOO and BOOGA BOOGA.