Yeah well my buddy already lost his job to artificial intelligence. He was an art thief.

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

Why are stupid people also the loudest

Before social media I would worry when strange things popped into my head. Now I worry when they don't.

My grade school teachers: Violence is never OK. Also my grade school teachers: Take this ball and throw it at your classmates as hard as you can.

Caution: room is rapidly filling with ramen

When I say I’m power hungry I mean the electricity is out so my toaster won’t work.

“When I was your age, we didn’t have no pretty box filled with fancy-dancy, clumping, odor-eliminating, space-age kitty litter. We walked twelve miles, uphill, in the snow, to shit in a rotting old wooden bucket full of rusty razor blades, and we considered ourselves damn lucky.”

him: license and registration, please me: *slides him fish* him: ... me: *slides him another fish* him: have a good day, sir

Avoid conversations at the supermarket by spending an inordinate amount of time in front of the laxatives.

All hammered up on wassail

These 237 Amazon boxes and I will be having a breakdown soon.

“Can you tell us what you do?” “Mostly just loaf around.” “Wow, that was terrible.” “Well, it killed at our Christmas party.”

Hostage Negotiator: What do we have, cap? Police Captain: It's another figgy pudding situation. Hostage Negotiator: Again!?

Me: [gets a hippopotamus for Christmas] My cat (staring at his litter box): wtaf

idk, i think it’s eggnog

Imagine having a super tough shift down at Nakatomi Plaza then having to go home to chase Urkel off your daughter

Grandpa: I was at Normandy. Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh. Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve. Everyone: *gasps*

Another Brick in the Wall is my least favourite song about my driving

Lonely are the brave, I say to Alexa as I recall the time I told my girlfriend I wasn’t taking her to see Grease.

When Pete Hegseth suspects there’s fentanyl on the sleigh

- Housebroken - Great with kids and adults - Thrice-divorced - Masters in English Literature - Marxist - Loves to cuddle

People out here griping about their 40s and they haven't even reached the Age of Polyps & Ointments

Dec. 1: I should start shopping now so I’ll have the perfect Christmas presents for the family get-together. Dec. 15: I’d better get on that gift shopping soon. Dec. 23: I think there’s a Love’s Travel Stop on the way.

[blind date] Her, texting: I’m at the bar. Where r u? Him: I’m at a table, in a suit. Her: Nice. Wait, I can’t see you Him: *𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺*

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.

don’t wrap presents on the floor without a plan on how to get back up

I'm living the dream. Unfortunately, it's the dream where I forget to wear pants to work.

Her: Your profile said you were a special kind of dom. Me: Boredom.

sometimes i’ll suggest to my wife that we stay up past eleven and watch one more episode because i want her to know there’s still a little of the bad boy in me

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

Went to a party last night and there were 5 dogs there and I have an idea for a new law that will actually be good

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

“Know what I got for Hanukkah?” “What?” “A new vacuum cleaner.” “Well, that sounds nice!” “Eh, it’ll probably just gather dust.” “Haha! Good one, Morty!” “Thanks, Irving.” “You should go tell Saul that one.” “Good idea! Be right back.”

If you marry a mail order bride, how much is the postage for all the bridesmaids?

After a person is unmasked as a serial killer, the neighbors always say he was quiet and seemed nice. So at least I know my neighbors aren’t serial killers.

I consider this gift card a lump of Kohl's.

What I like about the truth is you don't have to believe in it.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

As I sit here with a log crackling in the fireplace, absentmindedly stroking the dog's head, my eyes are drawn to the handmade stockings hanging from the mantel, then to the tree, with its myriad sparkling lights, and I think to myself, boy, would my rabbi be disappointed in me.

I for one never asked for a live action Grinch

I meant well. I think it was on a Thursday in 1978.

"I'm glad I grew up in the 70s." "You grew up in the 60s." "Oh. Bummer."

This airport lounge is playing Christmas carols but the booze is free so you can see my dilemma

Me: I feel a deep, mystical connection to you. Ouija board: S-T-O-P-C-A-L-L-I-N-G-W-E-B-R-O-K-E-U-P

If you want to invite a cavity search ask a Canadian Border Agent why they decided not to become a real cop

Revenge is a dish best served by tagging them on social media as the ‘star’ of 1970’s fetish videos in Pornhub’s retro category.