This day in history. 1478. George, Duke of Clarence was executed for treason on orders of his brother King Edward IV, drowned, they say, in a butt of malmsey wine. It seems wasteful but his other brother tried to trade his kingdom for a horse. Anyway, what a crew.

“What’s up guys! My name’s Alexander, but my friends call me Fiver. You know, like in the book? My family just moved here from Des Moines because of Dad’s work. What kind of music do you like? I’m into hip hop. Get it? Hahaha! Mom says I’m the family comedian. Hello? Guys? Guys? Sprechen sie bunny?”

“Good to know.” But it was not, in fact, good to know.

my favourite things about going to bed: 6. freshly laundered sheets 5. ‘me’ time 4. being the big spoon 3. sexy time 2. waking up still alive 1. ᵇᵉᶦⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᶦᵗᵗˡᵉ ˢᵖᵒᵒⁿ

With all due respect to Robert Frost, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that the 'road less traveled' always leads to a cabin occupied by a family of murderous hillbillies.

she said it's over because I'm "emotionally unavailable" but we both know the real reason is my vestigial tail

Sorry, I can’t. I have plans to not do that thing.

I’m going downhill so quickly that the International Olympic Committee just DoorDashed me a gold medal.

Existence is ridiculous. Post that fart joke.

The Beartles

wife: let’s watch a movie tonight me: i’ll be home from work by 7:00 wife: we’ll eat, and start it at 8:00 me: sounds good wife: i’m excited me: me too! [8:06]

You should be offered juice and cookies after more things than just giving blood. “Sorry you had to wait so long to get your driver’s license photo taken. Have a cookie.” “Thank you for that strenuous bout of lovemaking. Please visit the juice and cookie table before leaving.”

Everyone thinks it's politics tearing us all apart when in fact it's Rolling Stone magazine's Top 50 lists

Just imagine a world where you can send tiny little tactical nuclear warheads soaring over the garden fence every time your neighbour's cat takes a crap in your begonias.

“Your guy is late.” “It’s only been five minutes, chill.” "Something doesn't feel right." “Everything’s fine, Dave.” "You sure this is the spot?" "Yes." "And you know this guy is cool?" "Yes, just relax." "Don't give him the money until-" "Until I see the kibble, yes I know."

This day in history. 1972. On the Mike Douglas Show John Lennon and Chuck Berry performed the song Memphis Tennessee while in the background Yoko Ono did impressions of screaming goats.

This day in history. 1803. Any act of the United States congress that conflicts with the United States constitution is void, declared Chief Justice John "Captain Obvious" Marshall.

Used “surfeit” in conversation then subtly looked it up to make sure it means what I thought. The risk of looking like a fool was exhilarating. Note to self: Stay away from casinos.

“Buckle up, I’ll explain on the way.”

valentine's day is also my brother's birthday and this year, as always, i text him happy valentine's day

My wife and I have a little tradition. If I forget Valentines Day she gets to play Cupid with my compound bow and hunting arrows while I try to survive. So fun!

Saint Valentine was beheaded at the age of 42 but yeah, here are some overpriced roses sweetheart.

I thought there was no way my wife and I could get a table on Valentine’s Day without a reservation, but the server at Arby’s said we could sit anywhere.

You complete me! ~ me to my lucky potato as I gently kiss it goodnight and tuck it back under my pillow

The only things keeping me going are audacity and spite

looks like someone got a label maker for their birthday

Everyone out here hacking on Friday the 13th like Monday the 16th isn't the real enemy

Recently, there have been several stick-ups and one Axe murder (in the first Degree). Management has made no Secret of the need to increase security, but still haven’t found the Right Guard. Finding themselves underarmed, the crime wave continues to roll on.

a old dude on marketplace dm'd me and asked me to phone him about my listing. PHONE. while stunned, i am simultaneously soothed by the 1978 vibe

BREAKING: The Pentagon announces that U.S. military jets have successfully shot down Russell from Up

Sincerely, L. Cohen

This day in history. 1964. The Australian aircraft carrier HMAS Melbourne collided with and sank Australian destroyer HMAS Voyager. After two Royal Commissions were held to investigate the incident the Melbourne collided with and sank American destroyer USS Frank E. Evans. Progress.

Meth lab is short for method acting labradoodles.

me: they’re just- wife: don’t say it me: ... wife: I mean it me: ... wife: ... me: lion there

Do people who eat cookie dough know that you can just bake that shit and eat an actual cookie?

Excuse me, do you have a Valentine's Day card that plays "Dust in the Wind"?

[Olympic tryouts] “Your event?” “Downhill.” “Skiing?” “No. Just going downhill.” “Huh?” “Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”

I’m a person of a certain age. Isn’t everyone?

I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does. Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

Everyone at work complaining about the quality of the coffee and I'm over here saying Hey free coffee!

she conjugate on my verbs till I grammar

This carpet is super fancy! A shag? This carpet is super! Fancy a shag? Punctuation matters.

the use of performance enhancing drugs by olympic athletes is getting out of hand

Just so we're all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae  Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He's back

Luge is an Olympic sport where participants lay back and attempt to hang on for a very bumpy 58 seconds. Most married women win the gold medal once a week.

As a child I ate the flesh-colored crayola and this is my cannibal origin story.

I'm not ordinarily a big foopball fancier but I sure hope the Crumpleyville Saxons defeat those St. Gargamel Wildebeests or whatever

“GIVE US THE SOCKS.”

Do you get scared and/or angry driving into Home Depot parking lots? Well today there’s a halftime show just for you!