“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!” “You are SO immature.”

“C’mon, release the files.”

Shakespeare in two lines. King Lear. An aging monarch gives up his realm to two evil daughters and the third invades with a French army and everyone dies.

“Even a cat can look at a king.” Cats: Can’t we just show him our assholes?

Sadly, the brutal underground sport of kitten fighting continues to go on unabated, and remains criminally unreported.

chair up fella

I’m not shallow I’m empty get it right.

Yeah you say you're old but do you have a "good" broom?

God is Gouda

First he incites his followers to hang Mike Pence and then he places a tariff on couches? Man this guy hates his vice presidents.

The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the staccato pops of roots coming free from the soil. The ground pulsates a steady rhythm, as through a cloud of flying dirt and floating dust, the enraged horde marches towards the city with a singularity of purpose. The vegans must pay.

Select all the photos of traffic lights to proceed to Heaven -RAPTCHA

“I’m looking at vaginas.”

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Oh you think kids are so great? Today was the rapture and not one single amber alert.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

“Hello everyone and welcome to my Ted Talk, ‘It Was the Cat: Diverting Blame in the Digital Age’.”

Can’t remember who said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

Funk out with your junk out

A man from Mars is currently eating cars in my neighborhood. Turns out it was Blondie’s Rapture.

Herbert had been planning the escape for months, but was just now realizing how drastically he’d overestimated the length of his cord. As Edna Baumgarten's 1973 Plymouth Valiant bears down on him at a crisp 27 mph, he tries to scream, but only a cloud of dust comes out. Then, there is only darkness.

Hey! Where is everybody? Hello??

Me: Hey I got you a new scratching post so you can stop destroying the couch (My cat chuckling with one paw on my shoulder): "oh heavens no. nonononono, haha. nooo."

Is this wallowing hole taken?

It’s pouring down here. Not men, nor cats & dogs, but a secret fourth thing

“Okay, try it now.”

(me, feverishly focused on the task at hand) window seat guy: so you're for real clipping your toenails then

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

one day they're an adorable little puppy and then before you know it they have a favorite weezer album

“Groyper”? No thank you. I’m too old & tired to look up another word.

turns out ambidextrous isn't when you like both crunchy and smooth peanut butter

I love it when people yell, “YOU’RE ON MUTE!” so I unmute, mouth words with no sound, and the circle continues.

I’m always losing things like my car keys and that lovin’ feelin’.

“What do you think you’re doing?” “I was just-“ “Where am I, Jessica?” “In the basket.” “And what does that mean?” “It’s YOU time?” “It’s ME time. What else?” “No touching?” “No touching.”

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet, but only on my terms.

Everything that happened last night came back to Phillip all at once. He was now pretty sure he knew just exactly what he’d do for a Klondike Bar, and he really hoped there weren’t any pictures.

Pharmaceutical companies vastly overestimate how much I operate heavy machinery.

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

I'm touched. Don't do that.

Who cares if Flo Rida bans vaccine man dates?

I noticed you didn’t RSVP to my goldfish’s celebration of life.

If drinking a steaming mug of hot gravy is wrong then who wants to be right?

"Aye, the sirens," says the lighthouse keeper, picking a bit of tobacco from his beard. "Some nights, when the wind is just so, I swear I can hear 'em singing." "What do they sing?" I prod him. A faraway look in his eyes, he says in a voice barely above a whisper, "Tubthumping."

Don’t fuck with Clarence.

I believe the world would be a better place if we all maybe shouted less and listened more. Dudes who are 6'7": I'm 6'7"

I thought I was having stroke but I was just trying to spell the word comeuppance

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Gold just hit an all-time high. Silence is golden. My financial advisor just told me to shut the fuck up.