just updated the dog’s graphics card

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

I dare that tough guy Sandwich Man to throw a double meatball sub with marinara, sautéed onions, and melted mozzarella at my mouf

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

Let's let bygones be blood feuds.

it was love at first sight

Haha no kids Mickey was born 97 years ago. He's a mouse. He's dead.

That lamp looks PISSED.

“Hello, my little friend.” “Um, hi.” “See that lady holding the camera?” “Yeah?” “She leaves for work in an hour.”

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

The easiest way to get rich is to hyphenate your last name. Seriously, do you know anyone named “Smythe-Follansbee” who doesn’t have millions?

Thursday, 4:01pm "Still there." "Yep." "Looks blue." "It certainly does." "Wet too." "Totally." "See you next week?" “Count on it."

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

ME: *fumbling with remote* honey which one is ABC HER:

Later on, Terry would feel a slight pang of guilt over the fleeting seconds she'd spent thinking about all the things she could do with a spare bedroom, before grabbing the kid's leg.

potty training a unicorn ain’t easy

Please be kind. I’m in a really dark place right now. Outside of my house at 5:30 pm.

[3am] Lily’s father awakens to the feeling of hot breath on his face and the smell of sulfur. He opens his eyes and finds himself staring into a pair of red, glowing orbs. The ladybug unhinges its jaws, revealing two perfectly formed rows of razor-sharp teeth. He screams.

It’s not just a baggage claim. It’s a baggage FACT.

"Hush, Horatio. Did you not hear the Dark Lord's call? Go now and summon the others, for it is the time of The Reaping. Soon we shall be bathing in the blood of our enemies." "I don't know, Max. I'm pretty sure that was just a can opener."

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

Think your Sunday was rough? Flavor Flav had to turn back all of his jewelry.

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

“HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!”

That’s such a French thing to do

I think I’m ready to start eating competitively.

I'm finding it hard to keep myself uninformed.

“I farms the taters...” “...and I mashes the taters.”

“Come on, Fitzy, you can do better than this” he muttered to himself without basis.

“Hey there, sexy ladies!” “Just ignore him, Arlene.”

The secret to being a 𝗀̶𝗈̶𝗈̶𝖽̶ dad can be summed up in 4 words: “Go ask your mother”

The inventor of the frozen burrito has passed away. His family plans to have him cryogenically preserved so one day he can be microwaved yet still icy in the middle.

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

“Please Claudette, let me come home. I promise I’ll try to be more supportive.”

"Any last words?" "SHORT-LIVED RHYMES WITH ARRIVED. AND THERE ARE TWO SYLLABLES IN ALLEGED."

You don’t get a body like mine by sitting around on the couch. You also have to eat tons of junk food.

Being married means never having 𝚝̶𝚘̶ ̶𝚞̶𝚗̶𝚍̶𝚎̶𝚛̶𝚜̶𝚝̶𝚊̶𝚗̶𝚍̶ ̶𝚠̶𝚑̶𝚢̶ ̶𝚢̶𝚘̶𝚞̶ ̶𝚊̶𝚛̶𝚎̶ ̶𝚑̶𝚊̶𝚟̶𝚒̶𝚗̶𝚐̶ to say sorry.

Lost another fight with my stove clock

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours later] wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

“You’re going to ruin your eyes, Arthur.”

The devil plays tic tac toe with your hashtags.

Thanks to my British friends for teaching me the term “car park”. It means a lot.

(Cheerfully whistling whilst ladling hot gravy into Halloween sacks)

There is a distinct cultural gulf between earls in royalty and earls in arkansas

Melvin realized his rookie mistake just a moment too late, as Chloe wrapped him up in her patented “Shnoozleplex.”

"PUT THE FUCKING CASH IN THE FUCKING BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!" And that was the last time I ever played Monopoly with the kids.

Last night I had the option to hand out candy or turn off all the lights and hoard. I stand by my decision.

𝘓𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘖𝘯 𝘈 𝘑𝘦𝘵 𝘗𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦 is my favorite song about pre-shutdown air travel.

Class up your kegger by calling it a soirée.

“SAY IT.” “I’m a dirty little plant.” “And what do you want?” “I want you to water me.” “I’m gonna water you so hard.” “That’s how I like it.”