idk, i think it’s eggnog

being a rich tech guy in the 90s must have been so sick. every morning you start a web page that sells ring tones, sell it at lunch for 2 million dollars, get dinner at a “sushi” restaurant and go to a night club wearing a cologne called Apartheid Sapphire

if i’d been the winter caretaker of the overlook hotel it wouldn’t have gone down like that

They should’ve called them Treese’s

“Break it Down Again” is my favorite Tears for Fears song about recycling all the cardboard boxes

We are on year 8 with some of these gift bags and I think that's beautiful

He had salt and pepper hair. And oregano eyebrows. His lips were basil leaves. His entire head was a jar of Italian seasoning

Fun game: Text your mom Christmas afternoon "How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen ham?"

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

AI Bro from yesterday blocked me. I get that he was upset that people mocked his profession and said it was bad and useless. There’s no way that would ever happen to me, someone with a theater degree

him: license and registration, please me: *slides him fish* him: ... me: *slides him another fish* him: have a good day, sir

decades-long manhunt finally ends

4. Too late

We should track Santa all the time not just Christmas Eve

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

“Break it Down Again” is my favorite Tears for Fears song about recycling all the cardboard boxes

Just realized that there is an uncomfortable amount of fat shaming in Love Actually

Merry Covid-mas!

don’t wrap presents on the floor without a plan on how to get back up

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"

Getting roasted in the SEAL Team chat because I glanced back at an explosion instead of casually walking away

If you have a dog with big ears and you're not whispering stuff from across the room to see them swivel, you're doing it all wrong.

Congratulations to everyone who wrote an op-ed about how he just wants americans to eat better

Texting my therapist right before the appt "coming in hot"

Your BFF’s other best friend is your best friend once removed

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight; I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

"What's the lesson here, guys?" "We don’t know.” "C’mon, think about it." "Don't be assholes?" "Don’t be assholes. Especially to…” "To the guy with the thumbs?" "To the guy with the thumbs."

It’s a good thing Congress isn’t alive to see this

On hold with Verizon

What idiot called it a bikini wax and not Bush Administration

You have one job

I can’t believe I’m the same species as some of the people I interact with on FB Marketplace

As soon as I get this bird feeder hung it’s dinner for you finches

13 years ago today.

Just want to share with my American friends how the Australians respond to a shooting tragedy. Action, rather than thoughts and prayers.

This entire weekend

“You’re on a plane. Your pilot is inexperienced and unqualified. Is that a good thing?”

Sounds about right.

*lights a blunt that burns miraculously for 8 crazy nights*

"The car you're looking at can sit six people without any problems." I don't think I know six people without any problems.

Rob Reiner: I'm going to make a coming of age drama, a fantasy adventure story, a romantic comedy, a psychological horror and then a courtroom drama. Us: Across your entire career? Reiner: In a 6 year period. Us: That sounds- Reiner: -Each one will be arguably the best movie in that genre.

If you see someone crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut

I still prefer those lawn chairs with the straps all wove together.

i thought a labubu was a vagina injury

when you’ve been waiting 18 minutes for the shredded cheese for your fajitas

The ACA isn't just "health care for people who don't have a conventional employer." It also disallows something that was incredibly common 20 years ago, which I fear is getting lost to generational memory: insurance companies could deny you health care for essentially any previous health problem.

Aside from the obvious direct harm, what's so irritating is that a handful of spoiled ignorant assholes are breaking things that we all built together. They weren't content to own almost everything, they had to wreck what little they didn't own. It's vandalism on a mass scale and has to be punished

I’ll be over here waiting for the GOP or evangelical leaders to comment on the latest Epstein photos, i.e. the condoms, black glove and various sex gadgets.

CBS is toast. That’s really sad.

OH. COME. ON.