Every time someone’s like “put that in the louvre,” my head now goes “and then steal it from the louvre, the security password is louvre”

Toes ranked: 1. Pota 2. Mistle 3. Tic-Tac

Toes ranked: 1. Pota 2. Mistle 3. Tic-Tac

Just leave the door open, nothing matters anymore

That lamp looks PISSED.

Hey Friends, if you're looking for comedy, I've got you covered

Oh you thought I didn't have more? There are at least 1k hilarious accts on this app and I know all their middle names, okay?

Christmas puns will ruin this place. Yule see.

MY EDITOR: I think you need to make the main character more human. He's just completely unlikeable. ME: *taking back my autobiography* Um...

ME: Whatcha doin? WIFE: Watchin Dune. ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

i know the world is going to end soon and everything, but like why do baby carrots have to be so wet?

Well at least I'm not broken enough to post parables on linkedin

A jury of my peers? 12 emotionally available sweethearts?!

I'm gonna make it to the singularity still typing with only like 4 fingers

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

a good lawyer name would be Lou Pole

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Courtney Love never played with her idols, Ann & Nancy Wilson. now there’s a Hole where her Heart used to be . folks,,

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon? me: no, there's no oxygen 5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank? me: then yes 5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty? me: then no 5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen? me: is someone paying you to do this?

“Listen Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

“I brought a couple of friends, I hope that’s cool.”

“It’s a dog door, a DOG door. Now, one more time, what are you?” [sigh] “I’m a horse.” “That’s right Jim, you’re a horse.”

Just leave the door open, nothing matters anymore

Just overheard a guy in this hotel lobby tell his buddy "I just re-listened to a bunch of the Rolling Stones albums and I really think they were onto something" and didn't elaborate further

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

That’s such a French thing to do

Proving yet again how closely he studied Goebbels.

That’s such a French thing to do

My primary care physician is now Dr. Pepper

Cool optics bro

They're going to change the clocks this weekend and the president is powerless to stop it. Because he's weak and a loser. That's what they're saying sir

a guy down the street from us is giving out garlic bread and i need a few more costumes

we've finally answered humanity's most ancient question, "What happens after you die?" the answer is JD Vance fucks your wife

Every day I have to hear about some asshole

We've been together for a quarter century and have two children together, please respond.

Second children are far nicer and better people than the first born

There should be a “skip to the point” button for conversations.

Does anyone know the proper etiquette for how long a widow should wear black leather while mourning her husband?

Bro is Dennis Miller for Halloween.

We have progressed from data collection to data analysis.

Man Wouldn't Have Worn Costume To Work If He'd Known He Was Getting Laid Off

My primary care physician is now Dr. Pepper

you ever think you hear someone screaming in the distance then realize it's your nose whistling

Back in my day we named our dogs bingo

I like how people say "manage your depression" like it's a stock portfolio but you're heavily invested in sadness

being married is so embarrassing like oooh i can’t live without you you’re my best friend blah blah blah

Rep.-elect Adelita Grijalva has now been waiting 36 days to be sworn in to office — setting a new record that any member of Congress has had to wait following a special election.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Hey, my sister and I were raised by a hardworking single parent who also received food stamps. Pound sand, fucking haters.

I just want the confidence of a napping husband