Great. The monster that lives in my closet and the monster that lives under my bed aren't speaking to each other, and now it is awkward for everyone.

I raptured for you; please respond.

'Rapture' comes from the Latin 'rapere' meaning "to seize and carry off." 'Raptor' also comes from 'rapere.' We hope neither carries you off today.

More like a crapture amirite?

As a millennial, I just want one promised apocalypse to actually deliver.

Happy Rapture to those who are chosen to celebrate.

I tried to join the rapture, but I hit a paywall

Thought I was experiencing the rapture but it turned out that it was just gas.

What if Heaven's exactly the same as Earth except there's more dipping sauces

I think I said it best when I said all of the things I previously said.

Prove it didn't already happen

pfft this rapture could’ve been an email

Turns out the rapture was just this delicious cup of coffee.

la croix: rapture

You know what we should invest $100B in? Love.

I think I caught on to all the rapture business quite quickly, all things considered. And now I shall be going to bed and remaining unconscious for as long as humanly possible before my next work day begins.

Does the rapture start at midnight? And is that CST or PST? I have a few texts i wanna send first

The Rapture, but all the sinners respawn in Ohio.

In my defence, your honour, the rapture made me do it.

Look at this whole thing from a macro-scale perspective, you guys. At this point, planet Earth is basically heaven’s version of Flappy Bird. And The Rapture is just God rage-quitting whilst throwing his iphone in the microwave.

The Rapture, but with advance registration for a FastPass.

The Rapture, but everyone’s final destination is determined by how well they solve a Captcha.

The Rapture, but elevator muzak plays the entire way up.

The Rapture, but only in areas with 5G service.

The Rapture, but all the sinners respawn in Ohio.

The Rapture, but everyone dies to the theme song of Pokémon.

The Rapture, but everyone is wearing crocs.

Look at this whole thing from a macro-scale perspective, you guys. At this point, planet Earth is basically heaven’s version of Flappy Bird. And The Rapture is just God rage-quitting whilst throwing his iphone in the microwave.

I tried to join the rapture, but I hit a paywall

In my defence, your honour, the rapture made me do it.

I just ordered $103 worth of cheesecake from a nice man named Ishmael with Uber Eats, and will be answering the door in my underwear, because I only have the energy to fetch cheesecake, OR put on clothes, and cheesecake seems more important right now, TBH.

I worked open to close shifts for three days straight this weekend. Can someone please inform me as to why everyone is talking about the rapture?

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

When running ahead of schedule, Murphy’s law dictates the categorical imperative that I lose my car keys and spend any extra time gained, combing the entire expanse of a hotel parking lot trying to find them. FML.

Kids these days will never know the chokehold that sunflowers had on us in the 90s

it’s unconstitutional to not like me

Bought a block of cheese the other day before my old block was even close to running out so now I have a block of bonus cheese in the fridge reminding me of what a smart and accomplished man I am.

Accidentally told my boss that I’m an enthusiastic lover this weekend, so really there’s no level of embarrassment I haven’t covered over the course of my lifespan at this point.

Eating this free hotel breakfast like it’s the last meal of a dying man whose final will and testament leaves his meagre fortune to a charitable organization for research into world peace via the widespread application of tacos.

Nailed my makeup today but don’t have anyone else to show, so I’m seeking my external validation from strangers on the internet.

Marriage is a lot of fun if you’re into stories where characters go from foes to lovers, but in reverse

Micromanaging my descent into madness

A happy baby penguin in a pit with balls... 😊 #bluesky #nature #animals

I poured a layered shot a few days ago. Science is so fucking cool, you guys. It can be applied to almost any part of life. Even alcohol.

Making it weird is my kind of foreplay

I need a massage that turns into sex.

Dropped the corner of my phone on my wrist, which somehow turned on Siri as I screamed, “OW, FUCK! That’s gonna bruise,” and watched my wrist swell up, only to then hear Siri reply with, “I’m sorry you’re feeling unwell.” I don’t quite know what to make of this, TBH.

Artisanal pencil sharpening is the new black. www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com

I just booked a room at the hotel across the parking lot from my bar for tomorrow night so I don’t have to drive 15min home after working until 1am, just to turn around and drive 15min back first thing in the morning, and this is probably a sign I’m to old to be doing this job to begin with.

In honour of Thirst Trap Thursday, for every five likes I receive on this skeet, I will zoom out on the picture a little bit more and post it in the thread below. (🧵👇🏻)