My Approach To Life™

have you tried getting stoned about it

has anyone tried unplugging the United States & plugging it back in

no one will know i have the anxiety shakes if i’m doing jazz hands

I’m dispatching a toad to your vicinity

i invented the violin as a sonic weapon. so you can imagine my dismay when people started to make beautiful music with it

THEM: You should play pickleball. ME: Please get out. Good day to you, sir. THEM: It’s actually a lot of f- ME: I SAID GOOD DAY!

looking for the perfect mascara that will seal my eyes permanently shut

I do wonder what your cats think about all this.

    _.---._     .'    '.  ˏ_ .-~=======~-. _ˎ (____________________)      \_______/            / \      /   \      /    \    / 丶oノ \    / へ/    \    / ノ   \  '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Politely asking The Devil to turn down the heat a smidge

You won’t believe this.

unicorns have had it easy for too long tax the horn

I am very sophistipated

*cracking my skull open to replace my brain with buttered noodles*

Deleting old posts to hide the evidence of my midness

underwater slow pitch softball team called the squirmin’ mermen

it's 2026. shouldn't dogs be rollerblading by now

Bread you have to stop. Your crust is too flaky. Your crumb is too tender. They'll eat you

Older coworker asked why I drink so much water all day but when I said it's because I suffer from Thirsty Hoe Syndrome she didn't laugh

Your password must contain a character with a tragic backstory.

LET’S SHAKE UP SOME COCKTAILS AND PRETEND MY UTERUS ISN’T TRYING TO CANNIBALIZE ITSELF TONIGHT, YOU GUYS!!!!!

🫳🏻 🎤

Forgive me for expecting my fellow humans to have some humanity. Moving forward, I will only ever ascribe the trait of humanity to penguins and possibly the occasional sea turtle.

I said please the first time. Next time I have to tell you, the telling will be accompanied by both a wooden baseball bat and a full canister of maximum strength bear spray.

Dear Men, Please stop raping us. Sincerely, Women

work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat work home cheese sleep repeat

My drag name is Pickley Spears

Holey schmokies

live laugh lower your blinds

The machine we should be raging against is the toaster oven

in an alternate universe there’s a cat that loves mondays and hates lasagna

The stunning realization that I have both tater tots and an air fryer

stepping into the weightless river of the night

sure everyone wants your spaghetti until you tell them it’s made from real spaghetti monsters

Leprechauns are half off today.

my cat wakes up every day fully expecting an uninterrupted session of Cheese Time, even though Cheese Time has rarely occurred in her fifteen years of living because of her lactose intolerance and consequent diarrhea, and i wish i had this sort of optimism about my life

“I like your shitposts” and other forms of courtship

Most problems can be solved by the abundant application of cheese.

Have you tried Resigning™ about it?

99% of getting old consists of wondering where the bruises on your [insert random body part here] came from.

Keep your snacks close. Your friends and enemies will sort themselves out.

I don't understand why everyone is so stupid but it's exhausting

Pretending I call drinks “fluids” to infiltrate a healthier peer group.

You’ve got the wrong suspect, officer. I don’t even exist. My existence is a construct. While inside this interrogation room, I’m both ceasing to exist, and nonexistent at the same time. If I’ll poof into the ether, or have already poofed there, is unknowable until you perp-walk me out that door.

I could magic the *shit* out of a rabbit in a hat right now, TBH

Don’t ever believe what they tell you. There are no “good ones” left. In fact, “good ones” are a complete myth to begin with. Even the best ones left, are shitty ones, and that’s me being profoundly generous on the matter.

i am granting you one hour of: 𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬 do not disappoint me