If Greenland wants to be untouched by the U.S. government it should cover itself with the Epstein Files.

AHEM. I repeat: I did it all for the nookie. . . . Unless, of course, there is gnocchi, in which case I did it for the gnocchi.

[pauses in front of Farm Boy’s banana display at 2pm in the afternoon] [points at fruit in a bewildered fashion] This shit is BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!!!

Bank Teller: How can I help you? Me: [points at teller with dual finger guns] Me: KACHING! Bank Teller: Huh? Me: Rosebud! Bank Teller: … Me: Motherlode. Bank Teller: … Me: Klapaucius? Bank Teller: [turns to manager] Looks like we got another millennial tryin’ to rob us here, Bob.

Has anyone ever put a slinky on an up escalator!?

So tired of being the girl everyone asks to hide in a closet

Roses are red, Rugs on the floor,

When someone refers to a group of things as “odds and ends,” I always wonder what we’d call it if all but one thing in that group of things was removed from the group entirely. Is the single thing that is left over, an odd or an end? This thought will haunt me until the day I die.

never underestimate the seductive power of a plate of loaded nachos

Strangle Things

———————————————— UNPRECEDENTED ———————————————— [uhn-pres-i-den-tid] | adjective 1. never done or known before. 2. a word news outlets misuse to  give the illusion that some  fucked-up thing the U.S.  government has done is  shocking and/or was entirely  unpredictable. …………………………………………………. 🧵👇🏻

Nigeria (2003): In Northern Nigeria, political and religious leaders spread misinformation that the polio vaccine was a Western plot to sterilize Muslim populations. This led to widespread boycotts, resulting in a significant resurgence of polio that spread to neighboring countries. 🧵👇🏻

Pakistan & Afghanistan (2000s-present): Militant groups like the Taliban have frequently banned polio vaccinations in areas under their control. They framed the campaigns as Western intelligence operations. 🧵👇🏻

Tanzania (2020-2021): Former President John Magufuli declared Tanzania COVID-free through prayer, dismissing Western vaccines as dangerous. The government stopped publishing infection data and promoted unproven herbal remedies, severely hindering international public health efforts. 🧵👇🏻

Turkmenistan (2004): The Ministry of Health secretly banned diagnoses of many infectious diseases like tuberculosis, measles, and cholera to project an image of a perfectly healthy nation to other countries, thus rejecting the reality of existing health crises to avoid political embarrassment. 🧵👇🏻

South Africa (1999–2008): President Thabo Mbeki rejected the science of HIV causing AIDS, instead promoting nutritional remedies and restricting access to life-saving antiretroviral drugs. Studies estimate this rejection led to over 300,000 avoidable deaths. 🧵👇🏻

Soviet Union (1930s-1960s): Stalin rejected known science and endorsed Lysenkoism, which aimed to replace Mendelian genetics and Darwinian evolution. His rejection of Mendelian genetics devastated agriculture, and Lysenkoism led to widespread famine and an estimated 3-7 million deaths. 🧵👇🏻

Nazi Germany (1933-1945): Science was replaced by pseudoscientific race theories and eugenics, tanking healthcare and leading to atrocities like forced sterilization and mass murder. Scientific research stopped; death rates for conditions like diphtheria and maternal mortality skyrocketed. 🧵👇🏻

Dear News Outlets: The U.S. government ending access to a number of childhood vaccines proven effective via credible scientific research was not something we couldn’t foresee. It was an overwhelmingly predictable outcome of voting a by-all-definitions Authoritarian leader into office. 🧵👇🏻

Whenever an Authoritarian leader is voted into office, the rejection of science follows. This has happened before, specifically in reference to vaccines. This has been known before, specifically in reference to science. 🧵👇🏻

The only thing that I would come to call unprecedented, is if it were to be discovered that whoever is writing all these articles in which the word “unprecedented” is egregiously misused, has ever actually cracked open a history book in their entire lives. 🧵👇🏻

NOTE: All historical instances referenced in this thread are broad summaries of events. I encourage everyone who reads this to do the opposite of what news outlets do, and use your brains. Engage in independent research. Factcheck. Don’t misuse the word “unprecedented.” That kinda thing. -FIN-

———————————————— UNPRECEDENTED ———————————————— [uhn-pres-i-den-tid] | adjective 1. never done or known before. 2. a word news outlets misuse to  give the illusion that some  fucked-up thing the U.S.  government has done is  shocking and/or was entirely  unpredictable. …………………………………………………. 🧵👇🏻

Allow me to explain why this is very fuckin’ bad. Read this to learn something, or don’t and stay stupid. Whatevs; I’m getting stoned at the end of writing this either way. 🧵👇🏻 (a thread) apnews.com/article/snap...

People on SNAP are primarily individuals and families from impoverished backgrounds, living in poverty. And the neighbourhoods in which they live, have very limited options when it comes to food. This is true for a variety of fucked up reasons. I’ll proceed to review the top three. 🧵👇🏻

1. Upscale businesses capable of providing the type of food and service products that impact health positively, do not benefit monetarily from opening doors in communities where the goods and services they offer, cannot be afforded by the community at large. 🧵👇🏻

2. The type of crime prevalent in impoverished neighbourhoods is typically street crime—a majority of which is performed for survival reasons. As such, businesses in them risk higher rates of regularly occurring vandalism, theft, etc. Which makes it hard to keep doors open in a cost effective way 🧵👇🏻

3. Impoverished areas have an overwhelming lack of economic investment, which discourages the kind of new development quality businesses require to put down roots. All three of these factors keep businesses that provide quality food products far away from these areas, thus creating Food Deserts. 🧵👇🏻

Food Deserts are areas with limited access to affordable and nutritious food. For proper nutrition, people who live in Food Deserts have to travel far outside the area to reach places where it’s sold—but these people lack the money to afford both means of transport, and the quality food itself. 🧵👇🏻

This, in turn, forces people in impoverished neighbourhoods to source their nutrition from convenience stores and fast food joints—where basically all that’s sold is candy, soda, and junk food. And while this type of nutrition isn’t ideal, it’s truly their only option for survival. 🧵👇🏻

Taking away these options from SNAP users, takes away their only source of nutrition. America is starving whole families to death. And the people dying will overwhelmingly be marginalized and minority communities. Food deserts are already a form of passive genocide; now they’ll be worse. 🧵👇🏻

Ideally, impoverished communities should still have access to quality nutrition. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and Food Deserts result in the type of poor community health that keeps people living in poverty, there into perpetuity. Confused? I’ll make it even simpler for you. 🧵👇🏻

Poor diets = higher rates of health issues needing expensive treatment, which strains impoverished families’ budgets, time, and abilities. Ex1: the car needed to travel to job interviews, is sold to afford diabetes meds. Ex2: They lose their low wage job because their sickness affects performance 🧵👇🏻

Both health and wealth (or the lack thereof) are handed down generationally. Therefore, the generation following this one will inevitably be worse off than the one before it, caught in a vicious cycle of inescapable poverty and death. 🧵👇🏻

If you want to truly help people in impoverished neighbourhoods, what they need is local access to quality nutrition over a sustained, decades-long period of time—a period long enough to not only reverse the generational decline into worsening poverty, but lift these communities, out of it. 🧵👇🏻

But the US government’ll never do that, because it’s run by an ass voted into office by a people too impatient for more than a quick fix, who lack the future perspective to see benefit in making sacrifices to enact policies, of which the eventual results won’t come to fruition within our lifetime 🧵👇🏻

So if you’re reading this thread, know that this is why the change you’re complaining about, such as universal healthcare or equal wages, isn’t happening. It’s because everyone sits there, complaining, but also refusing to do anything because the “anything” doesn’t feel fast enough. 🧵👇🏻

Change on this scale—the righting of a cosmic injustice so widespread and pervasive as the systemic and vicious cycle of poverty in the US—takes equally as long, if not longer, to fucking fix than it did to fucking create. There is no instantaneous solution to these problems, so suck it up! 🧵👇🏻

Stop fucking complaining. If you think you know what’s best for the world, find a practical solution to get us there. And stop framing the solution’s design, and its list of pros and cons, around the limited framework of your own lived experience and no one else’s! 🧵👇🏻

Consider how solutions may ripple out and impact the rest of the world, for how long, and why. Because solutions like implementing universal healthcare overnight sound good, but outcomes like destabilizing the government and bankrupting hospitals nationwide are what we’re failing to account for. 🧵👇🏻

And while you’re at it, tell those assholes in America to give back the coverage of junk food under SNAP benefits, FFS. Because as terrible an option as it is, it’s better than no option at all. -FIN-

What is even the point anymore

In celebration of January 6th, Hobby Lobby is offering free glitter for anyone who commits treason today. (One per customer.)

this is not the semi charmed life i was raised to expect

We had no choice but to hear you. You stated your case time and again.

I could traverse the six steps it takes to reach my front door, or I could stay seated in my car all warm and toasty until this blizzard consumes the vehicle whole, I run out of gas, and subsequently freeze to death in the middle of the Canadian winter. This is a really hard choice, you guys; NGL.

I bet you open bananas the wrong way.

Feeling down on your luck? In need of a change? Enjoy a good jarful of metaphorical strawberry jam? Then this thread about hope and a girl named Pandora is for you!

3 Core Premises:
1. Unmarked jars are meant to be opened.
2. Food is always worth the risk.
3. Hope is preferable to certain death.

There was once a girl named Pandora, who was gifted an unmarked jar by a douche with a God complex. “Never open this jar,” the douche told Pandora. To which Pandora responded, “But what if it’s strawberry jam?”