Sex is never a good idea when flying internationally because if you’re over a metric country they won’t let you in the Mile High Club.

All I ask is that you adore me with your whole being

a bevy of beautiful bouncing butts

I was expecting more goat rodeo, less tire fire

Yes, I reposted myself again whatcha gonna do about it? (Seductively)

Drafts? Lol, from my crypt straight into your timeline bby.

Mom look at me, shitposting without a drafts folder

why does “You’ve read your last free article.” always feel like a death threat

"Everyone who writes dialogue does it for the same reason." "What's the reason?" "To control what other people say." "Dammit Jim."

I had a friend named Cuthbert but after you've introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Correct my choice of words at your parrot.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

coworker gave me 5lbs of red pistachios and my workspace now looks like I’ve been doing rituals

spending your days how you want is so rich

Now, more than ever, you gotta hope for an alien invasion.

Shut the fuck up, single people. Married people hate Valentine's Day, too.

I will always be there for you (threat).

Kiss her deeply

we were never meant to see everybody’s opinions all the time

I smoke weed and I shit post. It’s what I do.

Your opinion is important to me. Please hold while I get my Trebuchet

I am in my fun era aka midlife crisis

thank you for contacting the abyss. your scream is very important to us.

Turns out if you shit post from another country, your skeet has an accent.

I don’t want anything from you… just every single waking second of your time.

*talking into a banana* no you hang up first

The silence cures me.

*brings a mistress to a wife fight

If a movie sequel is subtitled ‘The Final Chapter’ there are 3 things of which you can be certain: 1. It will not be a good movie 2. The producers know that the series should have ended 2 movies ago 3. It will in fact turn out not to be the final chapter, anyway

I’m told I have a certain 𝘫𝘦 𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘴 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘦.

Does anyone else, in response to their pet giving a random whimper, meow, or bark, lovingly respond “I know” when in fact, you actually…don’t know?

feeling extremely “save a horse, ride a knight”

I’m just a mashed potato girl in a French fried world.

If Bluesky wants to verify my age they can count the rings on my asshole

Sometimes I want to be like Oprah and give each of you a car but Hot Wheels®️ are really expensive these days.

You call a vagina a "flower" and I'm kicking you in the head.

Look kid, occasionally I’m going to drop an obscure boomer reference and it’s up to you to dust off your Encyclopædia Britannica and figure it out

I was raised on a moody old jetty. I always look down when I walk.

umm yes, long time listener but first time caller and i’d like to say *begins screaming*

any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

Someone told me this and i started sobbing.

You are enough. You have the same rights as all other humans.

If you ever want a joke ruined with facts, post it on social media.

This day in history. 60. The apostle Paul was shipwrecked off the coast of Malta and was bitten by a viper and the viper died not he so the islanders thought he was a god and became Christians but when a budgie bit me and died the Church of Jim lost congregants which hardly seems fair really.

If you love yourself, you’ll always be loved.

I tried to eat my feelings, but the feelings ate me instead.

Of course I’ll hold the door open and then closely follow you through the door with a hand on the small of your back.

My heart murmurs redrum.

Age verification? I was here before the draft folder.

it’s called a headboard because that’s what ya hold onto when receiving head