On the outside I’m a houseplant. On the inside I’m photosynthesizing dark thoughts.

We’re all just a bunch of broken Doritos at the bottom of the bag.

Your honor, he sent me the exact same meme I already sent him a couple days prior

It’s okay to cry when your cheese slips off the cracker.

how many last straws can one have

I would suffer multiple internal server errors for you.

my ability to read the room just be making me want to leave the room

So many of my moots are posting amazing looking homemade meals today and I’m over here eating cheap ramen and Halloween candy in bed like a gremlin

Everything should be less stupid

thinking about how i used to cry over men who don’t even exfoliate

The bare minimum is not romantic

I’m in no one’s skirkle cuz I hate you all

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

*sitting on his beard* I’m just here for the ride.

I don't say "fuck" that often, but each one lasts 20 minutes.

"It was a different time." "It was this morning." "THAT'S A DIFFERENT TIME."

You can't fool me I'm not paying attention.

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

Are we and morning people even the same kind of people?

a flame thrower, but for life’s problems

Getting old is so extra. I used to just wake and bake but now I wake and ache and bake.

tits out coffee is my favorite sunday ritual

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

Of course I don’t post selfies. Like normal people my age I grew up hating the way I looked

Some sex will take you to Paradise. Some sex will take you to Wendy’s

bag my own groceries? i’m not a jenga wizard

Snug as a bug or possibly on drugs, it’s hard to say.

It’s so cute when someone asks “What’s your backup plan?” as though I even have a frontup plan.

you can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you

find the one saying exactly what they mean

My best shot at lighting up a room involves a flamethrower

i really hate being the center of attention all the time *adjusts sombrero

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. That’s how entropy flirts with itself.

Slow burn romance.

Don't blame me blame quantum fluctuations in the very early universe.

I have nothing in common with people who like November.

“I’ll die on this hill.” - Frodo at Mount Doom

My work here is dumb

Is that a forbidden fruit or a bible snake in your pants

every time a door closes, the door is closed now

You’re my most dreaded notification

Find someone who will share their muscle relaxants with you.

*brings ibuprofen to a knife fight*

Can’t spell ‘penis’ without ‘nips’. (True story but totally meaningless)

Let's let bygones be blood feuds.

[first guy to play an accordion] i bet i can use this to get karen to divorce me

This grocery store Christmas soundtrack is hitting like a migraine with metronomic precision.

I just put so much THC in my system my body autocorrected to thicc.