the best thing a man can do is what he said he would do

This edible tastes like I’m not going to give a shit either way.

Hello fellow humans looking at their phone to avoid looking at their family members

This day in history. 1906. At Johns Hopkins University the American Sociological Society first met to discuss how best to keep up the charade that sociology is a valid field of study.

Avoid conversations at the supermarket by spending an inordinate amount of time in front of the laxatives.

I've never met a printer that wasn't a drama queen.

Filtering the noise of the past out of the music and claiming these songs as my own

The kid who rang up my booze on Christmas Eve raises praying mantises. One is named Alpha and the other Beta. He catches crickets to feed them. I used to be his little league coach. I’d like to think I had something to do with this.

Shout out to everyone wearing new socks today.

Late night confessions come with a time stamp and an expiration date.

If I say "I see a little silhouetto of a man" and you don't immediately follow up with "Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?" then we can't be friends

and I look for your warmth but alas it’s december

Saw a sign at the gym that said “the heaviest weight we have is the front door” and now I’m suing for false advertisement

my life has a great patina to it

shitposting for a brighter tomorrow

You are all invited to my WTF party. Except you, Jeff. Wtf

I started taking Christmas decorations down while maintaining eye contact during Christmas dinner.

Whatever, I’ll just be nekkid

My Christmas spirit is usually vodka even though rum is more festive

Life's too short not to kiss people on the cheek. Just make sure you get consent for the one south of the equator.

Hey Santa is here again. Is that normal? He’s not wearing pants

This day in history. 1854. The first wood-pulp paper samples were exhibited in Buffalo New York and you thought nothing exciting ever happens in Buffalo.

get in loser, we have more regrets to make before the year is out

Prescription-strength back scratches

To all you Bluesky folk, I wish you love and peace. 💋

A weighted blanket but it’s just you on top of me pinning me to the bed

emotional availability, as a bit

Great films in two lines. Citizen Kane. The mystery of a newspaper magnate's last word Rosebud is probed by a reporter who couldn't let it slide.

“Who am I kidding?” - me, to me

Lonely are the brave, I say to Alexa as I recall the time I told my girlfriend I wasn’t taking her to see Grease.

The Bluesky vibe is unhinged as fuck this morning. I like it.

In my day, a charcuterie board was a sleeve of saltines on a cable spool table

I like to go around bragging about how I can read the last line at the eye doctor

don’t forget your 8am edible

My car is getting into the holiday spirit with its annual display of dashboard warning lights.

the fat guy’s flying tonight watch out for deer poop

My wife has been forcing me to give her 8 hugs a day to squeeze the grinch out

You guys ever get freaked out by a salad spinner?

Ho ho hold me bro

If you say ‘world’s smallest turkey’ instead of Merry Christmas you’ll find your people

On Christmas Eve I like to get drunk and steal a donkey for my wife, just like Joseph did for Mary back in the day.

someone properly used the word zeitgeist and ngl it made me kinda hot

nah, I know who my people are, thanks

one foot in a fairy tale, and the other in the abyss

And lo, I opened the pantry, and the pasta had multiplied, and none of it matched.

don’t worry, kids, i’m tracking santa that son-of-a-bitch won’t get away with it on my watch

fishnet stockings aka wrapping paper

I’m your favorite poster’s favorite poster’s favorite poster

When I look at my kids, I think, enjoy your eyebrows.