So, apparently, according to my doctor, heavy drinking isn’t considered “self-care.”

5-word horror story: "did you see my email?"

would it be too much to ask that all members of the GOP be required to wear “I’m With Stupid” t-shirts?

Bluesky is just Twitter’s retirement community

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

just saw myself in the mirror amazingly, still look like I did in my thirties fucked up

I’m neither underrated nor overrated. Not sure I’m even rated.

You crazy freaks will repost anything.

what kind of sick fucking animal doesn’t give their pets middle names?

I’m tracing our downfall to when we had to start wearing pants to work again

All's fair in love and war when you're a dick.

Operation Tiny Dick Hissy Fit

Send lawyers, guns, and money, and sunscreen, and maybe some personal wipes

I just need someone I can slap on the ass every morning and say go get ‘em tiger

my new smart phone lets me use the flashlight app while I’m looking for my phone!

revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate

Would be endlessly helpful if everyone got their name tattooed on their face

not to brag, but I just reset the clock in my car without referring to the manual

Are we really United States anymore cause I don’t feel very united.

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes. A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

turns out the monster under my bed was just a corgi with gas

I like to celebrate international women’s day by making out with my girlfriends

Sorry I didn’t mean to give a pep talk, that’s not my character

International Women’s Day is only 23 hours I’ll just leave that right there

It's Women's Day, the day when every man assures the world we can't mean him as he's one of the good guys.

If only I could be a reasonable amount of whelmed.

not to brag but I’m folding the laundry OK, the laundry that’s been in the dryer since last weekend

I've been vulnerable before. Zero stars.

It's not my job to judge people, it's more like a hobby.

The White House without a pet is like America without democracy.

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

Much like a succulent, I too thrive on neglect.

to the woman in the next stall singing along to The Spinners’ Could It Be I’m Falling in Love… sounds more like explosive diarrhea

Celery is ribbed for no one’s pleasure.

Everything’s gonna be fine as long as celebrities don’t start singing Imagine

there is a lot of sadness in the world but perhaps nothing more heartbreaking than the face of the dog who must fast before his visit to the vet this morning

God damn, what the hell is in those files? The world is burning because of perverted old rich men

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

“Jesus Fucking Christ” she muttered looking at this morning’s headlines

Don’t make me informed. You wouldn’t like me informed.

Before social media, I would sit on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in

Ever finish a chapter in your life and wish you’d never learned to read?

America needs a hard reboot.

Okay, maybe that wasn't my last straw, but I have 3 to 4 straws left at most, so you better watch out.

just because it takes a really long time doesn’t make the sex good same with presidential addresses

Bring back volcano sacrifices!

Your Tax Dollars at Work

USA viewers we now return you to your regularly scheduled total collapse of democracy

Interviewer: It says here you're good at making up words. How often do you find that useful? Me: Contuitively.

now that the Olympics are over we can all get back to getting shitfaced for no apparent reason