Trump’s not targeting political violence. He’s inciting political violence against his political opposition.

I hope your dog lives long enough to grow grizzled and cranky and wise. And if not, let them at least teach you how to live in the absolute moment 🐾

[ scrubs dog barf out of carpet ] [ checks for abs ]

Ladies, I’m not usually one to give advice, but he’s not an asshole when he drinks. He’s an asshole. He just can’t hide it when he drinks.

Following me improves your credit score.

How about they award him the Nobel Peace Prize posthumously?

I’ll just migrate from my chair to my bed. That’s enough platform hopping for today.

kash patel eats grape nuts rectally and enjoys them

“I don’t need to wear deodorant” ~ people who need to wear deodorant

Oh, you mean fall as in autumn, not as in "of civilization."

Who titled it “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” and not “How I Met Your Mothra”? I’d like a word…

Don’t you just hate waking up and having to check if maybe your country declared war on anyone overnight?

"Extra virgin," the bottle says. Allegedly!

i think Taylor Swift needs to send her troops to Texas

No need to cut in front of me in traffic and hit your brakes to let me know you’re an asshole. I already saw your Trump bumper sticker.

Dahmer 3:16

don’t talk to me when i’m in dark mode

Scariest thing I ever wore on Halloween? A wedding gown.

If you’re looking for a girl who loves animals and nature and will belittle you until your spirit is broken, look no further

We're gonna need a bigger pill organizer

woke up from a terrifying dream someone asked me to marry them

When the MAGAs come after us, I’m hiding in a library.

Shutdown: The Musical

But enough about me... Tell me about your dog.

who up wondering what in the actual fuck

While it's true there are two sides to every story, always pay attention to who the storyteller is.

good morning to everyone who didn’t act like a fucking seventh grader and shut down their fucking goverment

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

Let's not repost each other and say we did

Sorry I thought your baby’s ultrasound was your Halloween avatar.

Maybe we should try talking calmly to the void instead of screaming.

My dog just looked at me. I can tell she's judging my life choices. And she's not wrong, but does he have to be so obvious about it?

KitchenAid

Erections were originally designed as a fallback trick for unsuccessful magicians

Dream a little dream of getting hit by space junk.

mammas don’t let your babies grow up to be tailgaters

Always take chances. You’ll regret it very much

I’ve never been happy to see anyone.

Hotel hair dryers. Because who doesn’t enjoy starting the day with the smell of someone else’s burnt hair?

Good morning only to those who can still spell and have some awareness of grammar.

Making her snort laugh is a love language.

men who think they look sexy in their socks and underwear are 100% wrong

Jesus came back but ICE took him and he hasn't been seen since.

It’s already Tuesday here. Nothing happened. You may carry on with your regularly scheduled nonsense.

if people keep asking you how you are try telling them how you really are and then maybe people will stop asking you how you are

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

A musical set at a Canadian high school in the 50's called Geese.

Do you remember The 21st night of September?

a poltergeist that just fucks with your phone settings

Answering all calls from now on with "Go ahead caller, you're on the air"