If you have any questions, don't hesitate to keep them to yourself

if you ever make the mistake of thinking you have nothing to worry about try waking up at 3:00 am

I like lying in the sun with my eyes closed, pretending I'm burning in hell for eternity

In an abusive relationship with my brain.

want to hear something really awful? what the fuck is wrong with you?

Men will repeatedly stage their own fake assassination attempts rather than go to therapy.

the iPhone telling you how unproductive you’ve been throughout the day is the most disrespectful thing technology has ever done to us

Warning signs that you may be losing your job in the current administration: 1. You have a job in the current administration

if you don’t repost other people wtf are you even doing it’s not like you’re stephen king lol

My favourite thing about this website is that no one gives a shit about what I say, which is how it should be.

more like the White Trash House

Pretty sure I just saw a hummingbird, but I’m not sure. Gonna stand by the feeder for the next 8hrs to confirm

Sorry your boyfriend thinks cunnilingus was a Roman emperor.

I see the monster under your bed and raise you a corgi with flatulence under my bed

*yawns at another presidential shooting

I’m very disappointed in these assassination attempts.

Poll numbers sagging? Wife can’t stand the sight of your face? Ask your doctor if another fake assassination attempt is right for you!

Trump has the worst polls ever and I haven’t even been asked yet

They crucified Octopus Jesus on an asterisk

they never warned us about our dystopian here and now

Leading the War Against Woke…

Being funny on Bluesky is like remembering why I walked into this room; I’m not good at that either.

laying mines not as sexy as it sounds

I put my pants on like everyone else. When there’s a delivery at the front door.

Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.

He told me I have a nice rack and started sniffing my coriander.

good morning to everyone scrubbing dog poop out of the good carpet

a meet cute but it’s just a giant meteor, taking us all out

sorry I haven’t been online lately been trying to open this childproof cap

There's a really easy way to pretty much end sexual misconduct in politics. Stop electing men.

Today in our creative reading class, we discussed Dora The Explorer while on LSD.

Less Pomp, More Circumstance!

I think we need to bring back public booing.

I hate that saying “if you know you know” because no I don’t know

maybe his next move will be putting Vance in charge of hiding the Epstein Files

i get the very real sense that some of you aren't taking your meds

I wear black hoping the ravens will accept me as one of their own

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

did some yard work this afternoon actually, sat down in a lawn chair OK, closed my eyes for a while, too WELL, IT WAS IN THE YARD!

I never forget a face. I mean, if it belongs to a dog.

My dog started a podcast. It’s 4 hours of him barking at squirrels, but the intro music slaps

just told the dog that everything’s alright hate lying to my dog

Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself in your dog voice

I generally don’t like funerals… But there’s definitely one I’m looking forward to.

pedicure so good you soil the massage chair

instead of being loud, imagine being mysterious

All making my mantra "I will stop at nothing" got me was four traffic tickets so far this week.

ate a hard boiled egg too fast just to feel something

"Don’t be silly", no I think I will be, thanks.