A dating app that only shows their latest Spotify playlist and bank account balance.

Subtlety is not a canine trait. I started cooking and the dog went under my bed.

At least now I have the opportunity to try and blame my bankruptcy and poverty on him, and not my own deeply personal bad decisions.

My dog looks at me with such profound betrayal when I open the door now. We’ve had the "it's wet out there" talk six times today. He thinks I control the weather and I'm just being a jerk.

When you wake up angry and confused and disappointed, know that you are not alone. Many among us hoped to learn of his demise this morning.

rfk jr cancelling headphones

The arbiters of morality make me glad to be a degenerate

Some nights I throw all of my coats on the bed in the guest room so it looks like I’m having a big party.

I opened the fridge door once again looking for enlightenment. Nope. I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.

Me: My dog really looks up to me. Coworker: Aw how cute! Me: Why? He’s just way shorter than I am.

Ladies, when a man sends flowers to you at work, he's just marking his territory. Think of it as lifting his leg on your desk.

It’s hard to lose a loved one during the holidays. I lost my Mom during Toyotathon.

I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.

can’t, I’m pregaming * * eating mashed potatoes

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your spouse is by not having one in the first place. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Mamas in other countries telling their children to eat because there are kids starving in America.

It’s easy to get out of bed when it’s still dark. It’s finding the will to live that’s the challenge.

There is no political solution. It’s time we go bonobo.

Anybody have a copy of What To Do When You’re Expecting a Dictator that you’re not using anymore

The lower the temperature, the longer it takes the dog to poop. It’s science.

I just want to be kept in the style to which I wish I were accustomed.

For more quality content, you'll have to follow other people.

My favorite part of the morning is when everyone else is asleep and it's still dark. Oh, wait, that's the night.

addiction counseling should be available for serial reply guys that don’t understand humor

if by people skills you mean avoiding them then yes, i have people skills

Worst thing about waking up from a night of drinking and finding all your possessions thrown out at the curb? Remembering you live alone.

This time of year when you rage against the machine chances are that machine is a neighbor's noisy leaf blower.

I don’t run very often but when I do it’s roughshod.

what doesn’t kill you makes you buy more Kleenex

Simply choosing to walk your own path is a hell of a lot easier than constantly covering your tracks.

If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

if you don’t use the fact that the dust buster was improperly seated in the charger as a valid reason to start drinking early you’re not me

I’m at my best when I shut the fuck up.

Don’t ask people how they’re doing. We are bad

when a friend shares with you the frightening details of their recent medical procedure be sure to interrupt them to tell them all about your own far less harrowing procedure seven years ago people love that

I’ve decided to give in to “gluttony” and “sloth” because I’m an overachiever

Why would anyone want to be normal? Look where normal has gotten us

Imagine me seductively stepping into my Sunday best. Wrong. More dog hair.

Sorry for what I said and did when I was overstimulated

Create the problem Fix the problem Take credit for fixing the problem

If, by seize the day, you mean curling up on the couch with the dog then, yes, totally seizing the fuck out of this day.

“Women these days don’t want to have children.” Well, we don’t actually know if women in the past wanted to. Nobody asked them, least of all their husbands.

(Me, doing anything requiring all of my concentration) My bladder: SIR HAVE ANOTHER URGENT MESSAGE.

not to brag but beautiful Asian women are waiting to meet me

You’re expressing interest, I’m expressing my dog’s anal glands. We are not the same

I’m always sorry I left my comfort zone

either that guy in the truck ahead of me is burning oil or he’s just elected a new pope

I like to pretend I'm being shunned instead of acknowledging the fact that my skeets suck

In heaven, I'll always have something to blow my nose into.

a Happy Meal would be if he choked to death on his fucking Big Mac