You can’t hurt me. I read the news.

it’s 109° in Phoenix right now so tell me again about YOUR fucking heat wave, Europe

I hope I survive the zombie apocalypse long enough to see two zombies making out so I can yell ‘GET A TOMB’.

I like my men like I like my coffee: I gave up coffee

not to brag but I also struggle with flat sheets

It's Father's Day and the longest day of the year. That's so on-brand for the patriarchy.

Not much, just hanging with my debilitating sadness.

Know what causes algae blooms? Urine.

“I hate his guts” is pretty oddly specific. How do you feel about his knees?

Screaming various curse words into tiny jars and arranging them alphabetically.

it’s the anniversary of my second failed marriage

A social media app that does not allow a lie to be posted and if you try again it shocks you

She was effervescent, like an industrial acid spill.

a “framework deal to end war” sounds suspiciously like a “concept of a plan”

Hang that tarp over the whole damn country

A dog party! A big dog party!

wash face brush teeth kiss dog on the face repeat

And then Jesus had to, like, reduce his carbon footprint or something and that's why you were alone on the beach.

Look at me with your eyes and you will see only who I am now. Look at me with your heart you will see who I've been, and who I can become.

when God invented tits she knew they’d come in handy someday for wiping the smudges off our smartphones

Group chat sounds too much like the lunch room in high school.

I’m a bad influence but a heck of a good time

sometimes social media is like having a dear pet you can say things here you might not say anywhere else and sometimes that’s all you need

“one bottle of champagne, please" sure, what's the occasion? "im a drunk!”

I'm not rude, I'm selectively friendly and you weren't selected.

Oh, it’s hot where you are? Know what you can do about it? Shut the fuck up about it.

"You have warm eyes." "Thank you. Please get your fingers out of them."

My dog wakes up every day like: “Oh boy! Breakfast! Walking! Urinating! Defecating!” I miss that kind of optimism.

I am covered in dog slobber. That is all.

Please keep dogs off grass and other controlled substances.

They should invent some sorta hat where you don’t have to do this…

Ladies, when a super loud truck with a gigantic muffler races by you in a black cloud of diesel exhaust, do you immediately want to commence sexual activities with the driver or nah?

By all means, autocorrect, let’s tell everyone to seize the daydrinking.

I always said I was going to get my shit together before the world ends but I changed my mind

have your people wake my people

I’m apparently unapproachable. Whew. That was a close one.

Doctor: are you an active marijuana user? Me: nah, im pretty chill

New Personal Best: steps onto elevator presses one stands there (I was on the first floor)

If I’ve put you on mute it means I’m hearing your posts in that sound that Peanuts grownups make when they speak

Yeah, I got that dog in me. *specifically, separation anxiety and a profound fear of the vacuum cleaner

they said “do what you love” so I went back to bed

If we are all god’s children then I’m the one that eats paste

Any vegetable can make you cry if you’re sad enough. Don’t let onions take all the credit.

occasionally I spend the night at my sister’s to remind myself how much I love hotels

[first day of helicopter school] (me, zipping fly back up): please excuse me i have made a grievous mistake

I don’t like to brag, and it’s easy because I’m terrible.

On a scale of one to walking up to a glass door that isn’t automatic and just standing there perplexed, how hung over are you?

the suspense of not knowing what's the dumbest thing im going to do today is killing me

My Fair Lady but it’s me teaching people on social media how to use commas and apostrophes.

If they have one of those safety bars in the hotel shower and you don't pretend you're a naked wet ballerina, you’re not me.