Die a young hipster or live to see your favorite songs turned into cheesy commercial jingles.

Looks like I picked the wrong year to take democracy for granted.

"We shall come over!" ~ Dyslexic Civil Rights Enthusiasts

some people really took to heart all the "never change" messages they got in their junior high yearbook

Smart posts? Nah. I just set the bar low then clear it with style.

shoving a coworker down the elevator shaft is not an appropriate response to being asked how your weekend was

Sometimes I feel like you’re not my audience.

Billionaires just don't go for rides in imploding submersibles like they used to

Want to stay informed on current events? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Remember when we had to stay at least 6 feet apart from each other? That was fun.

I remember a time when 3-D printing was just Xeroxing your butt at work.

my morning self affirmation is looking in the mirror and not seeing Mar a Lago face

You can tell a lot about a person if you read their biography.

Murder, She Spelled Out With Magnets On the Refrigerator

this is the worst fucking advice column ever

Obama’s Peace Prize is bigger

I wanna add to the chorus when shit is so fucked up but so many of you are saying it so well already. I’ll stick to free verse about queefs

Is it just me, or do all these pharmaceutical advertisements make you sick?

I might not look it but I've finally reached my goal of 10,000 missteps a day.

Alexa, trade the kids for weed.

a girl can dream

Not to judge but you look like the kind of person who says ‘acquired’ instead of ‘bummed’

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Proud Boys

To hibernate, perchance…

There are not enough legal drugs for this Administration.

You know things are going well at work when HR names a new conduct policy after you.

the literature led me to believe there’d be more friendly spiders in our dystopian future

My expectations for 2026 were low, but holy fuck!!

proud cautionary tale logging on

tune in for this morning’s edition of What Epstein Files?

Given all the shit going down now, I think we're going to need a bigger fan.

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

according to this fitness app, I’m more of an inactivist

Alexa, make it all go away

Her: What are you wearing? Me: The soul crushing weight of years and years of shame and self-loathing.

* pulls on thermal socks * * crawls into long underwear * * lies down on couch *

This season of America really sucks.

The inability to feel shame should not be considered a strength.

Why bother looking at the news in the morning when you can just drag yourself into the office and hurl yourself down the elevator shaft?

Watching the news these days is probably what it feels like to be awake during surgery.

Please cancel my free 7-day trial of 2026.

after a shitty day took the dog out in the pouring rain and now he’s doing zoomies all over the house and I guess what I’m saying is get yourself a dog

Pretty crazy that someone could make a 250 year old country unrecognizable in less than 12 months.

It seems really unfair that my future depends on me.

The Land of Opportunity! Where even the morally bankrupt and truly stupid can become diabolically evil world leaders!

Setting the "number of days without evil permeating the world" counter back to zero for the gazillionth time in a row

After looking in the mirror, I reluctantly admit that ingénue is no longer a career option.

You make me feel like doing things I’ve never done before! * leaves dishes in sink overnight *

🎵 Imagine all the people...🎶 *projectile vomits*

Ok hear me out, shopping cart horns