it’s time to clock in at the yearning factory

There is something about being moderately intelligent that makes you very stupid.

I've seen too many people pick up their dogs to lap directly at the nozzle of the human-height water fountain right next to the dog-height water fountain to ever truly trust again.

I Am Going To Live Forever

No hot water in the gym showers covers all my cardio for the day.

My life's calling? Bro, I don't even know what size I'm going to be next week.

Just realizing now that it is Wednesday and not Friday This is what happens when you no longer GAF

I've always wondered how people end up in Pennsylvania.

State of the world got you down? Maybe you should come live under the sea.

“if you’re cold they’re cold,” i gesture to the friends nestled between my breasts

squinting while looking at you to get a more flattering bokeh effect

ICE Teens: Teen ICE, this fall on CBS

“if you’re prone to losing things keep them in the same place every single time,” i whisper to the friends i keep in between my thighs

Drug commercials are like we know you have your TV tuned for moody cinema so here's 130% white background.

I never don't have to pee

A day in which nothing relatable happens

I’m bankin on my mediocre good looks and halfway decent intelligence to make it through the next 30 years…maybe 25 if I play my cards right.

Peeing on deer scat to give the next dog on the trail something to ponder.

CBT is just lying to yourself that everything is okay. It works!

Assuring my employer that this data was ethically faked.

Offline people are like

Sex is great but have you ever gone 60 on the BQE

Update: woodpeckers!

Dreamt someone stole the doors off my dad's 1978 Dodge van that went to the junkyard in 2005.

i mean phones are fundamentally unserious devices, i don't do serious activities on a phone.

Doctor: you might have apnea Me: no, I'm intentionally not breathing

It's a good thing sleep disturbances make me horny.

Avoid analysis paralysis by calmly but directly addressing the anus.

Still can't buy carrots. WTF is going on?

Make sure to stay hydrated while pissing away your global hegemony.

First hummingbird of the season sighted!

Cultivating a skillset that requires broad collaboration between like-minded professionals was a mistake.

Three seconds after passing me, mother to tween: oh, how's your dad?

Babe, you okay, you've barely poked your mons

owls should be bigger

if i ever meet an owlgirl its so over for me

girl i will listen to you so hard i will listen to you so deep damn girl you about to hit the back walls of my ear canals

Motivated yet directionless? Depressed yet mercurial? That's the power of brain chemistry!

Anyone else notice gravity is up about 10% today.

Enjoying this trend where terms of service are written in the style of light-hearted death threat.

Found myself on Quiet Posters time to fix that

Just lost my water glass in the middle of taking two pills.

I just want to reassure my followers that there is no imminent threat of good posts from this account.

Experienced all 4 seasons this week and have the dirty laundry to prove it.

Passion is my passion

caught The Discerning Liker liking willy-nilly ..

Gooing enough shoes to single-handedly cause a recession.

Repairing them, because waste not away in Margaritaville, want not away in Margaritaville.