He’s in your DMs. I’m robble-robbling from one McDonald’s dumpster to another, searching for any burgers they had to throw away after closing. (I am the Hamburglar)

Don’t make me per my last email you

I'm werner herzog and this is jackass

A hot fudge Monday (Mondae?). But too long in the microwave and now Gary was trapped in the kitchen like a mammoth in a tar pit.

Jordong Petersdong

McRib selfie tomorrow.

casting a dark spell to make you forget that i didn’t remember your birthday last week

Sneaking into your house and turning the thermostat down so you’ll get the urge to eat soup

"I'm just spitballin" OK well it's really gross, please stop

On the outside I’m a houseplant. On the inside I’m photosynthesizing dark thoughts.

Why doomscroll when we could be doomcuddling?

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

giving up jogging for shit posting my way into further mental instability

Adding water to my juice because then I get twice as much lequid

You can learn a lot about somebody by the little jean jackets they make for stray cats

The abyss called. Your screams are noted.

Working on boundaries with my parents (ring of salt around the house)

it takes a village people to raise a macho man

does anyone know what's in a chill pill, it's hard drugs right? it's gotta be hard drugs

i’m just saying maybe there needs to be more consequences than “you might lose your job next year and go into a cushy consulting gig”

yes, I was young once

I don't want to spring forward or fall back, I want to be yeeted into the sun

Consider that we don't even have a shared cultural understanding of what can be flushed.

My name is Three Small Plops, so when I'm in the bathroom stall at work, my coworkers will crowd around and cheer to hear the third one fall. But it's just my name, not a promise. I can be constipated like anyone else, or, in cases of extreme sickness, I can deal with such situations as diarrhea.

[movie studio] ME: BUT HOW DOES THE INVISIBLE MAN KNOW WHEN TO STOP WIPING? TOUR GUIDE: *into walkie talkie* code orange, he’s back.

I’m starting to understand the guy at work who always wears black, I think to myself as I buy four more of the exact same shirt

*removes gag ball to make Face ID purchase

Ooh, think about this: Christmas worms. The little hats? omg so cute

(my comic, from Married To The Sea)

Possibly because it's been enshrined in a famous folk song, many people don't realize how recent the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald actually is. To put it in context, the ship's sinking happens to coincide with Green Day's "Dookie," which was itself released fifty years ago today

Imagine going to extra school for learning all the laws real good and then they stop using them. Hilarious.

history will ultimately decide this but i think joyce carol oates might have just landed the most devastating burn in human history. like the death star trench run of posting

I'm sorry if you don't find my jokes amusing and by "sorry" I mean "fuck off"

Got back to my hotel. Group got on elevator same time. Man (probably mid 40’s) sees a drink on the floor of elevator. Says it looks “brand new. Ice isn’t even melted.” Him and his girl both start drinking it. “It’s great. Rum and Coke!” THE FLOOR DRINK! THE DRINK FOUND ON THE FLOOR OF AN ELEVATOR!

I have developed a new sex move I’m calling the Duplicitous Fonzie.

necromancer Bob Ross: "now why don't we reanimate a few happy little skeletal constructs? if they're missing a few vertebrae, that's okay, they'll still do our bidding nicely"

let the gravy just shower over you

Nothing is more urgent than my mother reaching me to let me know that someone I met once as a child has died

Girls only want one thing and it's an unholy alliance with the seagulls

I kiss all my skeets on the forehead and hand them one butterscotch before sending them out into the cold cruel world doesn't everyone

I massaged a man in Reno Just to watch him sigh

First of all, my Aqua Groove Aerobics instructor is MEAN.

Getting really tired of breakable food, haven't you had enough? I don't want pieces of you in my beard or on my shirt. Stay intact until you're in my mouth. Crackers, you're on thin ice. Sick of your shit.

My boy said he’s a ball knower but didn’t know about bofa. He failed the ligmas test. 😭

Good morning to everyone except the man in the yellow Hazmat suit who's staring at me through the glass

"I think I moisturized too much," I say, trying to be nonchalant as my husband looks up, sees me slide under the closed door into a wall.

I really like this rocking chair, I think to myself oldly

My work here is dumb

generational wealth is when i leave myself half a donut for later