I wish I was a side piece. (fried chicken)

try butt dialing someone on purpose. i just keep calling 911 with my bare ass

There should be a hero called Night Spaghetti Lady and everyone loves her, Save me Spaghetti lady you’re my only hope

Ate five cookies while trying to convince myself that I don't need to make spaghetti at 9:00 at night

Anytime someone has said “she ate” the she was me and the ate was a chicken leg

bunch of things inside my stomach

don't skip leg day theyre handing out free legs

over time you could carefully sneak an entire boston market into the movies

santa is more or less a whimsical bigfoot

Requesting medical leave to brood darkly on ill bodings.

he who heaves the hoagie hallows all humanity

a nice crispy head of lettuce always gets me wondering what that body was like

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

once again facing legal action for trying to enter the costco rotisserie chicken portal

getting bored with all the old crimes. think i’ll invent some new ones

hey bro we're going on the mysterious merry-go-round later if u wanna pull up

yay california! yay nyc! *crawls back into hell*

don’t go to sleep this fight is far from over

rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on shrimp & juice

I’ve never won an argument with a cat

i wish all my moons were beaver moons

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

we could put pizza toppings on the bottom too. bottomings

every time i eat french onion dip i remember why i like being alive

coq au vin is french for ‘chicken in a van’

It's gonna brie a good day...

my meditation app won’t start until I watch an ad for anxiety

dessert pizza is one of the later stages of depression

*bite* *bite* *bite* *bite*

in my meme “big chungus”, i created the chungus as a cautionary tale.

certain shit is a mystery of science

our inevitable doom should at least come with free cinnastix

cutting a wheel of cheese with a battle axe

me, myself and a family sized frozen lasagna

In the surveillance state, we're all cam girls

as far as apocalypses go this one has the best alternative milk choices

if a mysterious fog rolled into town i would simply continue eating chips

getting super into gasping lately

building up walls just to break through like the kool-aid dude

I wish I could remove my spine and wring it like a wet rag.

crying maple syrup tears

candlelit dinner where we romantically share an entire gingerbread house

why stop with time? we should also turn our scales back 10lbs

drinking a cup of raw waffle mix at the hotel breakfast, syrup chaser

the time witch has promised she will return the one hour she stole from everyone in the spring tonite

I neutralized a knife-wielding meat sommelier at Golden Corral.

this End of the World needs a jump to recipe button

Sometimes you just need to bite someone. I can’t explain it, iykyk.