FRIEND: *eating* soda crackers aren’t too bad. ME: well, some of us are ok I guess.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Gonna try a new pun on for sighs.

“Sorry, I have to take this call." "That's a banana. And it's half eaten." *covers banana with hand "I don't tell you how to do business."

You’ll never convince me this piece of popcorn is a colonel.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Kinda bullshit that only Phils get their own harmonic orchestras.

This kinda sucks because I was well prepared to kick ass in a post apocalyptic hellscape in my 20s and now that I'm in my 50s I'm only suited to be a maniac warlord or reclusive enigmatic hermit who'll only help the resistance if they can convince me their motives are pure

i pause in the middle of the street fight, only to eat a handful of candy corn and then return to fighting, noticeably more powerful

[burglar breaks into my home] ME *recently started taking karate*: Hey asshole! Hold this board.

People all over the world fighting for land and bananas somehow have their own republic.

Stopped ingesting microplastics, this year I’m only eating macroplastics.

Once again a chick magnet has thrown off my chick compass.

In heaven, all pubs have a post to lean on beside every urinal.

If you solve these riddles three, you may try one piece of brie.

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

If there are no Caucasian animals then explain Animal Crackers.

Fuck it I don’t care anymore

New Year’s resolutions: 1) Eat healthier 2) Spend more time outdoors 3) Escape from the research facility

child custody rap battle

Whatever, I’ve had fancier feasts.

Your honour, I was driving a trailblazer, I was simply blazing a new trail. JUDGE: you drove through a petting zoo.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

“eating well” lol have you heard of vitamins

as the prophecy foretold

Showing my support to the LGTBQ community by switching to homo milk.

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

me: don’t mind me, I’m just taking a gander petting zoo employee: please put the goose down

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

no chatgpt for me, thanks. i will be asking Zoltar

[minding my p’s and q’s] p q q q p q p p q p q p p q 🤔

You telling me orcas poop? Whale shiiiiiittttt.

I’ll save this for later *puts hotdog behind my ear like a cigarette*

I smoke weed on my porch to let the other weeds know what I’m capable of

Welcome to 60 Minutes. Our top story tonight is Snakes: Nature’s Spaghetti

LITTLE LAMB: do you hear what i hear SHEPHERD BOY: holy shit a talking lamb

As I get older it’s getting harder and harder to shake AC/DC all night long.

➖➖➖has➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖and➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖to➖➖➖➖➖➖

if you’re not wrapping presents for me, you’re wrapping them against me

That's it. I'm definitely not voting for Bill Clinton.

[Santa dislocating both shoulders to slither down your chimney]

If I win the lottery I’m gonna hire a skywriter to write “how do I land this thing?”

Why a guilty verdict and not a hearing loss?

Imagine having beef with Olive, the other reindeer.

“Alright, fine! I’ll put it on. But I swear to God, if the sleeves are too long, someone’s getting eaten!”

Look pal, if you don’t like my Subaru puns we can take this Outback.

What idiot called that little narc Elf on the Shelf and not Police Navidad?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a duck that does crimes

ME: can I wear it out of the store? SALESPERSON: the condom?