there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

LINKEDIN: 10 things getting a colonoscopy taught me about digital marketing. 👍💡♥️ 1295 212 Reposts

By November 40 percent of my blood will be soup.

“It’s not a competition” - losers

when my fast fashion arrives but i'm at the office

My Grandmother passed away at the nursing home today after a knife fight with another resident :(

I like it when there are a bunch of people on here talking about a sporting event that I'm not watching. It's like seeing a flock of pigeons eating a smashed sidewalk donut together. I'm not partaking, but you guys dig in.

Is it the 25th Amendment? It’s the 25th Amendment, isn’t it?

Italian Welding Soup

AI has taken the joy out of watching people do unbelievable things.

I call broccoli “tasty fractals” HIBACHI CHEF: I heard you the 1st time.

this is going to be so fucking funny and he’s going to get so fucking mad

Writing for theonion.com has been a dream of mine for a long time and it finally came true! Two of my jokes are in the latest issue. Still waiting to hear if I 'passed' my trial, but either way I'm thrilled and honored to be published by the best humor site/newspaper on Earth

Look i know this is lame but I can’t be coming home from work on a Monday to the episode where Jim yells at Pam.

“I left my wife, Nicole Kidman, because I was sick of her, Nicole Kidman, needing me to have sex with her, Nicole Kidman” do you hear yourself man

thanks so much to the very awesome @te-kanawa.bsky.social for purchasing my Trans Lives Matter shirt - you can buy YOUR VERY OWN at bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/tran...; reminder that 100% of the proceeds go to the Trevor Project and the Center For Transgender Equality DO GOOD I HAVE SPOKEN

They put an end date on the country 😭

my trembling hand aims the gun at the Turkish ice cream guy. He winks and I realize I'm pointing an ice cream at him. He is already emptying my gun- each bullet a tiny ice cream cone

Heywood Jaholdme

*mournfully shooting off a tshirt cannon into the sadly cheering funeral crowd*

(bluesky user bursts into Waffle House) OH SO YOU HATE PANCAKES??

your honor, I believe it was Hoobastank who first said, “I’m not a perfect person”

GORILLA: [repeatedly signing the word “irregardless”] ME: What’s this asshole’s problem?

MAYBE ITS YOU WHO HAS INSUFFICIENT FUNDS BANK OF AMERICA

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee then taking a bite* Gosh I just love fall

It’s shaped like this so you can form a tight seal with your stomach, hips & thighs

sheet music is like the exact opposite of an audio book

MAYBE ITS YOU WHO HAS INSUFFICIENT FUNDS BANK OF AMERICA

the barista wrote smile on my cup of coffee so I filed a harassment lawsuit against starbucks

[during sex] wait til my therapist hears about this

I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both. Pastor: These are very unusual vows.

just got my dna results back ☹️

britney knows that she’s toxic: thread

BREAKING: Nation That Continually Pokes Bears Says That It Has Zero Tolerance For Bear Mauling

I’ve always been fascinated by the Amelia Earhart story release the Epstein Files.

Not now, Scott’s Tots.

Wife is currently snoring like honk-shoo honk-shoo…cartoon-ass sleeper

Wife is currently snoring like honk-shoo honk-shoo…cartoon-ass sleeper

I drink so much cranberry juice I got the opposite of a bladder infection.

Eating a banana just to peel something

Nails are the tap shoes of the fingers

cops lately when they see any bullet casing

hey ma, did you see I made the Forbes 30 Under 30 for unhinged posters. yeah it's like the Super Bowl for the mentally ill

BREAKING: FBI finds shell casing with the phrase “this bullet belongs to a left wing extremist” written on it.

With time we’ll see that we’re already well into the start of Civil War II.

If I send you this know that I am plotting. Scheming even.