It turns out there is such a thing as "too much poutine" but did I let that stop me? No. I did what anyone in my position would do- I ate every last bit and now I'm quietly suffering, not even a little disappointed in my life choices.

Went out with @crocketthoughton.com to do errands today and we were masked as usual. We ended up having several surprising normal interactions with random strangers. People finally seem to be getting less hostile to the idea that some folks still mask up for medical reasons (at least, in this area).

Hi, great talk. Yeah I guess my question is less of a question and more a cry for help and a mournful scream at the loss of any meaning in a world of chaos and death.

Camping outside H&R Block so I can get the best taxes

Folks, good news: The Onion is a hundred or so subs away from reaching the long-awaited number of 69,420 paid print subscribers. If you’re that one magic subscriber, we’ll send you a mystery gift box as a thanks. Sign up or regret it forever. We’re on sale for a week. Make sexweed number history.

[trying to be encouraging in these difficult times] good job on having a day

It turns out there is such a thing as "too much poutine" but did I let that stop me? No. I did what anyone in my position would do- I ate every last bit and now I'm quietly suffering, not even a little disappointed in my life choices.

People born today will never understand how aggressive some dudes were in the 2000s about needing to eat bacon to feel masculine. They'd make it their entire lifestyle & this was just one of the default types of guys that you'd encounter. Running into a "bacon guy" was just a normal part of life.

my online life has been so weird but nothing has been more awkward than having to pretend I don't know internet culture around people who are Normal Amounts of Online, like, no, I don't know what an influencer is, gonna influence these numbers into this word document now, if you know what I'm saying

I love when (past me) cleans out the coffee filter so all that (present me) has to do is make the cup of coffee. Such a lovely little treat I gave myself.

"I'm just a number on a spreadsheet" okay, well, I'm like a piece of gum that you find near a 7-11 with a surprisingly rich backstory & all of the townsfolk know about the gum even though they keep debating what flavor it used to be but the guy at the 7-11 swears it was that weird soap flavored gum

They say that money can’t buy happiness but it can buy coffee and cheese and books and movie tickets. It can buy an inflatable adult-sized bouncy-house and a pizza with whatever you want on it. I hate to be a contrarian but it seems like maybe money can buy happiness.

Hi there, circling back on the family of raccoons in the attic. Pending further assessment, it is unclear whether their current plans align with returning your socks this quarter. Flagging that they have initiated a “collection” and decided to action the leftover pizza from the fridge. Thanks.

People say that money can't buy happiness but those people have never randomly ordered a package on the internet that they completely forgot about- until it randomly arrived several weeks later like a little treat to themselves from the past.

My aunt shared some extremely old family marriage certificates & I found myself wondering about my grandparents lives. Then my own marriage certificate arrived. My heart swelled knowing someday relatives will find it, see the Halloween date & instantly know their ancestors were absolute weirdos.

Some argue that daylight savings is good. Some argue that daylight savings is bad. I would argue that whatever time of day it is... is none of my business.

I've been using the Oxford comma since before AI existed and I'll still be using the Oxford comma long after AI has died. I regret nothing.

I ripped my pants in kindergarten but my mom volunteered in the school library so I sat there while she stitched them up, browsing books. That's the day I fell in love with reading. That's why I write. It all started that day.

I got a new library card today, the librarian reminded me that I can download Hoopla (to watch free movies & listen to audiobooks) and Cloud Library (so I can check out & read books on my tablet) and honestly, I never knew that. Libraries are magical places that we need to support vigorously.

GM: Charisma check. Mamdani: [rolls natural 20] GM: that’s a d6 how did you Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

I ripped my pants in kindergarten but my mom volunteered in the school library so I sat there while she stitched them up, browsing books. That's the day I fell in love with reading. That's why I write. It all started that day.

production of The Muppet Show should not be dependent on petty vulgarities like “ratings” or “revenue.” it should be preserved as a vital function of american culture. it should have a taxpayer-funded budget rivaling the CIA

Your partner's been dropping hints about what they want for Valentine’s Day for the last 11 months- a simple puzzle with many complex pieces. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not inviting you to our game night. I need my friends to be problem solvers & critical thinkers. I need winners.

I've been using the Oxford comma since before AI existed and I'll still be using the Oxford comma long after AI has died. I regret nothing.

I understand the need to drum up excitement for a new film project (I do) but I promise you, none of us need a trailer for a trailer. The trailer will do all the drumming. It's getting ridiculous.

“Same.” I say to the deflated Halloween pumpkin my neighbor still has on their doorstep in February.

I have determined that everything right now is All Too Much and it needs to be Considerably Less, so if reality could just dial it down a fucking iota or two, I think we'd all like that

Most two hour movies that people describe as "okay" or "pretty good" or "fine" would have been considered bangers at 90 minutes. The problem is usually pacing. I said what I said.

A new god rises in the official trailer for MONARCH: LEGACY OF MONSTERS Season 2, premiering February 27. Kong and Godzilla team up to fight a brand new monster!

Christopher Nolan should have cast Helen of Troy the way the Greeks would have: by casting the most attractive young man in the company and giving him a really fuckable porcelain mask. Having a WOMAN play Helen of Troy??? Talk about inaccurate. The Greeks would fucking riot.

We need a sequel to the movie Groundhog Day but when everyone shows up it's just the movie Groundhog Day. No one will be disappointed.

The secret to finding 100% of your typos is just to wait until the piece is published, don't worry you'll find them all

I went to the store with my wife today and kept telling everyone “I hope you have a bidet” instead of “good day” because we’ve been watching so much reality TV lately and I needed a personal challenge. I passed by the way, I don’t think I’m being voted off the island.

I was buying gluten free cookies earlier & the cashier blurted out "Ugh, gluten free is the worst!" Then she asked if I had tried gluten free cookies before & I said "Yeah, I have to eat gluten free. I have Celiac disease." Folks, I've never seen someone so embarrassed. 10/10 shopping experience.

Realizing that onions are alive and then having to create a mental justification that they want to be eaten, like the pop tart mascot

I got a new library card today, the librarian reminded me that I can download Hoopla (to watch free movies & listen to audiobooks) and Cloud Library (so I can check out & read books on my tablet) and honestly, I never knew that. Libraries are magical places that we need to support vigorously.

It’s hard to imagine someone more universally enjoyed than Catherine O’Hara where the opinions range from “I like her and her work” to “I love her and her work” and that’s a pretty good legacy

Catherine O’Hara has been a huge part of so many things I’ve loved. She’s a queen. She’s a legend. She will be missed.

Why should I watch something that a director didn't even bother to make?

my office's smart vending machine asked me if I wanted a "summary of my monthly spending." no I do not. that's fake

The fact that Darren Aronofsky made an entire series based on the Revolutionary War using AI and voice actors is surprising, disheartening, and disgusting. As an artist, he should know better and he should definitely be embarrassed.

Welcome John Carpenter's THE THING to the National Film Registry! bloody-disgusting.com/movie/393134...

Continuing my journey of watching films I either chose to skip or didn’t know existed, I just finished Gunpowder Milkshake and holy hell, I have thoughts. The first being, why didn’t more people talk about this movie at the time? Why aren’t they still? It was honestly incredible.

Exclusive Interview: GWENDOLYN KISTE creates a coven for female horror writers. https://ow.ly/Izr250Y4FoA

I finally watched Terminator: Dark Fate and honestly, it got more hate than it deserved. It was full of the action we come to expect and had by far Arnold’s best performance. Linda Hamilton being back as Sarah Conner was fantastic. I don’t know what people expected.

One of the best ways to combat How Everything Feels Awful Right Now is to do something on a regular basis that helps others directly. Whether you go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen or stay home and volunteer for a helpline, those actions create hope & make positive changes feel attainable.

At the end of the seance, the Ouija board literally said, "...don't forget to click like and subscribe."

I left TikTok a little over two years ago so the good news is, I don’t have to learn an entirely new platform today. It’s the small victories.

The pineapple on pizza discourse (in my mind) has come to an end. The pineapple gang won. The battle starting now is for a pineapple ring on a burger. It’s different. It’s delicious. It belongs.