I took @crocketthoughton.com to get food from a place I frequented years ago. I said the food was great but they wouldn't remember me. When we walked in, the owner was putting our order together & asked "you used to live nearby, yeah?" It's a small thing but it means so much simply being remembered.

FRIEND: [stressed] ME: [1% less stressed] you have to avoid the screens, man. they contain information & if you don't see it, you can't be stressed about it. you'll never know what's going on in the world which creates it's own problems, sure, but avoid the screens. give your phone to a raccoon.

hey nice weekend you’ve got there, be a real shame if it was a great one

Yesterday was such an incredible day. Happy six month wedding anniversary weekend! I love you. Sharks are the best. Sharks. We did other things too that were awesome. Bonus: us at Union station and the distillery district.

A good reason to get married is so that you have someone to go look at sharks with whenever you are both like "We should go look at some freakin' sharks."

I would rather them tell an original story that takes place in the RE world than I would have them yet again try to retell the story of the games. This is what I've been waiting on for the Resident Evil films. This looks great.

I would rather them tell an original story that takes place in the RE world than I would have them yet again try to retell the story of the games. This is what I've been waiting on for the Resident Evil films. This looks great.

Something they don't tell you about being in your 30s is that one day, you wake up and think "yeah, broccoli actually does sound like it would be kind of good on a pizza."

Just watched Dolly on Shudder.

A reminder for people who miss the experience of going to Blockbuster to browse the rows of VHS & DVD's- libraries carry a selection of new & old films. You'd be surprised what you can find just visiting a place that will loan you books. They also have digital services. Support your local library.

My wife says the funniest things, for example- the other night she took a blanket from behind me, crumbling my makeshift back support and leaving me flat against the bed. She laughed and said "I'm sorry, I didn't know that blanket was load-bearing." Yes, I married the right person.

it's wild how underrated and misunderstood the self-help genre is. most people think "I'm great, I don't need to learn about my brain" and they're 100% wrong

you are a somewhat smart monkey that has been dropped into an incomprehensible society and there's lots you can learn from books, buddy. smarter monkeys than you have figured this stuff out. take a look it's in a book

We went out the other day to pick up coffee and I saw, what I believe to be, the most Canadian t-shirt rack that has ever existed.

Being married is easy, I don't know why people complain about it. All you have to do is ask what your partner needs, actually listen to the answer, then figure out how you're going to train a variety of woodland creatures to put ancient curses on their enemies. It's literally so simple.

I'm sure I'm not the first to say this but they need to stop remaking classic films. We don't need a million reboots, we need to be remaking movies that had great ideas but were executed poorly. Actually give them a chance to realize their potential. Leave the classics alone. Make new classics.

[my coworkers completely minding their own business & not paying attention to me at all] ME: [being normal] haha, whaaat? noooo, I didn't introduce a pizza called the volcano dipper to everyone on Bluesky last night, that was not me, I ate a regular dinner consisting of a single cabbage

This is how we get down on Wednesday

Felt like I needed to add a sense of mystery and adventure to my life. Then I remembered we live in a world where I can order something called a "volcano dipper" from a pizza place and now my husband and I are waiting for this abomination to get delivered.

Man, my Bsky feed today is full of a lot of mealy-mouthed walk backs. No, fam, the enemy of my enemy is NOT my friend and I'm not gonna ignore decades of cruelty and greed because I like who he's attacking. So, no, I will NOT be siding with Coyote against ACME and will be taking no further questions

It's John Waters' 80th Birthday...and where would cult cinema, midnight movies, and queer film be without him? By celebrating kitsch, filth, and the enduring power of good bad taste, he continues to inspire so many to go do the damn thing. Make depraved art today (and always) in honor of John.

kaiju (but make it haiku) Such a large monster Lurking under the surface I'm going back to bed

I like when an actor who usually plays Weird Little Freaks gets to play a *different* kind of Weird Little Freak than the type of Weird Little Freak they usually play

imagine discovering a full dinosaur skeleton…super cool, right??! now imagine that dinosaur skeleton is wearing a jean jacket- hang on a sec i have to catch my breath

Tim Curry, the absolute legend, turns 80 today. This man took huge swings.

(sleepily) it's the freakin' weekend

It's the weekend and it turns out you can wake up when you like and just order breakfast off the internet. Eggs, sausage, home fries, beans, and gluten free toast is literally just a few clicks away. "You have to pick it up, do you need to get ready?" (me, already dressed and walking out the door)

Reality shows are weird. I start watching people make miniature houses, decorating each room, and getting eliminated one by one while I proclaim to my wife that "we can do that, totally, no problem," with a mouth full of pizza. How did this happen?

ever since i was a little kid i always knew i did not want to become an adult no thank you why is this happening

Started a rewatch of the og The Matrix trilogy after back to back terrible films. My last four watched...

Patton Oswalt is going to read the third book in the Talisman trilogy. OTHER WORLDS THAN THESE will be out in October. I'm totally stoked that he agreed to do it. Spoiler alert: There's a character in the book who's a stand-up comedian. His name is...Payton Orville. Coincidence? I think not.

Here's a thing to look forward to if you're a horror fan. I'm excited.

I feel like people focus a little too much on Bruce Springsteen having a slightly cringey stage persona singing boomer music and not enough on that boomer music being pretty fuckin good and him genuinely caring about stuff

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

People think being married sucks but when my husband found out I had a migraine, he went to the store to get me Diet Coke, made me poutine & has spent the entire day laying in bed with me watching a show where people competitively build dollhouses. Being married is amazing.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "you deserve to order one of those giant rectangular pizzas with like, 90 pepperonis on it, you should also get cheesy bread & don't forget dipping sauce which optimizes the pizza eating experience."

came down to the wire tonight but we were able to figure out what’s for dinner again

Again, if you have a Substack, the best time to switch away was months ago -- but today's the second best time.

Cancer: It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, because you will find some way to drown yourself in it.

Why do they call it a "restroom" when it's where I practice karate

DOCTOR: Are you taking care of yourself? ME: [thinking about the chocolate cupcake and can of Monster Energy I had for breakfast] yes

British person (watching Sesame Street): My favorite is the Biscuit Monster

Being married is easy, I don't know why people complain about it. All you have to do is ask what your partner needs, actually listen to the answer, then figure out how you're going to train a variety of woodland creatures to put ancient curses on their enemies. It's literally so simple.

Imagine escaping from the Earth and then finding out you have to come back.

"login with your atmosphere account to jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace"? do you hear yourselves? be serious.

nothing is stopping you from using a hot pocket as a hot dog bun, except your dignity and the laws of god

I don't know how to post about this but I just found out my brother died in some kind of awful way & I fundamentally don't understand why human life isn't valued more. I just ordered 2 cakes for delivery because it feels like the right number of cakes to cope with this. I wish the world was kinder.

[The Cure voice] 🎶 Monday, you can fall apart / Tuesday, you can also fall apart / Wednesday, Thursday, you got it, fall apart / it’s Friday, you’ve fallen apart 🎶

feeding the dogs and all i could think was “how do you get so excited to have the same thing every morning ha ha”. this was right after i took a large sip of my morning coffee and went “aahhhh”

I'm sure I'm not the first to say this but they need to stop remaking classic films. We don't need a million reboots, we need to be remaking movies that had great ideas but were executed poorly. Actually give them a chance to realize their potential. Leave the classics alone. Make new classics.