When I got my furby tattoo (which I will never regret because furbies are perfect), both of the tattoo artists in the room said that a) my furby tattoo was awesome & b) that Harry Potter tattoos were the most common thing they had been asked to do cover ups for & that it was an industry wide issue.

the hardest part about separating the art from the artist is how i seem to have glued myself to this macaroni picture

Hi there, circling back on the family of raccoons in the attic. Pending further assessment, it is unclear whether their current plans align with returning your socks this quarter. Flagging that they have initiated a “collection” and decided to action the leftover pizza from the fridge. Thanks.

"I'm just a number on a spreadsheet" okay, well, I'm like a piece of gum that you find near a 7-11 with a surprisingly rich backstory & all of the townsfolk know about the gum even though they keep debating what flavor it used to be but the guy at the 7-11 swears it was that weird soap flavored gum

"actually you *can* separate the art from the artist and here’s a thread on why we need nuance so we can enjoy the wizard world of har—" WRONG. anytime you post apologia for supporting the transphobia-funding-franchise, you are required to send a trans person money immediately.

I love when (past me) cleans out the coffee filter so all that (present me) has to do is make the cup of coffee. Such a lovely little treat I gave myself.

my online life has been so weird but nothing has been more awkward than having to pretend I don't know internet culture around people who are Normal Amounts of Online, like, no, I don't know what an influencer is, gonna influence these numbers into this word document now, if you know what I'm saying

ME: [begrudgingly practicing self-care because I refuse to let the world harden me]

Going to an online portal, always sounds so much cooler than it actually is

"I'm just a number on a spreadsheet" okay, well, I'm like a piece of gum that you find near a 7-11 with a surprisingly rich backstory & all of the townsfolk know about the gum even though they keep debating what flavor it used to be but the guy at the 7-11 swears it was that weird soap flavored gum

i deleted all the games and apps off my phone, put my phone in a trash can, and now just carry my game boy around in my pocket instead. so if you want to reach me you will have to release a new game boy game.

I hate when my husband returns from hunting with a massive wild boar that I have to gut and clean before corruption sets in when I've been up two days and nights with our feverish infant

I hate when you embark on a heroic adventure in the hopes of emerging transformed only to discover that the strength you were seeking was within you all along

Hi there, circling back on the family of raccoons in the attic. Pending further assessment, it is unclear whether their current plans align with returning your socks this quarter. Flagging that they have initiated a “collection” and decided to action the leftover pizza from the fridge. Thanks.

OpenAI is shutting down its AI video platform Sora after it flopped Disney is now exiting their $1B deal with OpenAI

OpenAI is shutting down their video app Sora. The platform is used for AI-generated videos.

Phone less convenient in every way and furthermore it is for babies. You always see babies poking away at phones and tablets. A baby is never on the computer

haven’t seen anyone say “nothing ever happens” in awhile now

every time some tech psycho giddily says unemployment could hit 30% soon I'm like ok man and then what. what happens after that usually. how about I give you fifteen minutes to skim wikipedia and then you can get back to me. its fine i'll wait

who was the first person to see a frozen lake and be like “get me my sharpest shoes”

My condolences to people with horrible taste in movies

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

doing a kegstand at the wendy’s ketchup dispenser everyone else here is a coward

Airport staff in Tasmania found a possum blending in a little too well among stuffed toys in a gift shop. https://cnn.it/41bdpu6

People say that money can't buy happiness but those people have never randomly ordered a package on the internet that they completely forgot about- until it randomly arrived several weeks later like a little treat to themselves from the past.

Flo Mask 50% off sale! These are form-fitting, reusable N95 masks and MUCH cheaper long-run than single use masks. I've used this for years in hospitals, airports etc & can't recommend it enough! Comes w/ filter replacements. I have big cheeks w/ a tiny jaw, most masks don't fit me. This does!

this is why i preorder books!

Coming out of my nuclear bunker then having to explain the gap on my resume to the guy who came out of a slightly nicer nuclear bunker

People say that money can't buy happiness but those people have never randomly ordered a package on the internet that they completely forgot about- until it randomly arrived several weeks later like a little treat to themselves from the past.

im grabbing your hand to tell you. it’s not too late to start wearing a mask again. it’s better to wear a mask 1/4 of the time (or whatever your percent looks like) than not at all. there’s no shame in starting to be covid safe again even if you havent been for a long time. its okay

My aunt shared some extremely old family marriage certificates & I found myself wondering about my grandparents lives. Then my own marriage certificate arrived. My heart swelled knowing someday relatives will find it, see the Halloween date & instantly know their ancestors were absolute weirdos.

Some argue that daylight savings is good. Some argue that daylight savings is bad. I would argue that whatever time of day it is... is none of my business.

Marmalade update: shes burrowed into a quilt

Square pizzas should be the standard. Square drinks and sides too. "Give me 17 square inches of dinner," you could say

Paperclips are staples for people with commitment issues

this cape is reversible but my decision to wear it to the custody hearing is not

If you say "my skin is so dry" people might recommend a lotion but if you say "my skin is so wet" no one will help you

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion

sometimes a coworker will drop offhand a piece of lore that feels like finding an audio log in a survival horror game

I don't dress up to impress people. I dress up so that if I randomly turn into a ghost, I won't hate the outfit that I'm stuck wearing forever.

Vanilla is one of the most popular scents. But have you ever sat down to experience the aroma of a homecooked lasagna? It reminds you of family, it reminds you of home & it fills you with comfort. This is why we, the folks at Dove, are introducing a brand new line of soaps and-

Due to personal reasons, I've decided to replace my hair with snakes & turn people who stare at me into stone.

ME: [opens video called "Easy Meals When I Don't Feel Like Cooking"] VIDEO: These recipes only take about 30 minutes to make- ME: [closes video]

This might be a hot take but personally, I would like it if good things started happening again too.

I CAST WHIMSY ON THE SKYLINE

if you need me, i’ll be in my study, working on a new sandwich

The purpose of this website is to help unburden your brain by releasing horrible sentences that live in there like demons

i contain exactly one multitude

when life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. it is time. there is no turning back now. you are the Lemon Keeper.