The veil between this world and the next has been pierced. We apologize for the inconvenience.

[interrupting my opponent during rap battle] That’s not grammatically correct

Your partner's been dropping hints about what they want for Valentine’s Day for the last 11 months- a simple puzzle with many complex pieces. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not inviting you to our game night. I need my friends to be problem solvers & critical thinkers. I need winners.

so much clothing is marketed as "conversation starters" but as an introvert, i want "conversation enders." no more talking. let me go home.

The secret to finding 100% of your typos is just to wait until the piece is published, don't worry you'll find them all

We need a sequel to the movie Groundhog Day but when everyone shows up it's just the movie Groundhog Day. No one will be disappointed.

may the fourth of february be with you

Ever tried boiled pasta? Not as crunchy but still good

I've got a good feeling about this bank of mysterious fog moving against the wind to blanket our isolated small town.

“art” is an anagram of “rat”. think about that before you look at a beautiful painting

You've totally changed my perspective, angry guy who can't spell

craziest part about life in my opinion is all the things that happen

I went to the store with my wife today and kept telling everyone “I hope you have a bidet” instead of “good day” because we’ve been watching so much reality TV lately and I needed a personal challenge. I passed by the way, I don’t think I’m being voted off the island.

I was buying gluten free cookies earlier & the cashier blurted out "Ugh, gluten free is the worst!" Then she asked if I had tried gluten free cookies before & I said "Yeah, I have to eat gluten free. I have Celiac disease." Folks, I've never seen someone so embarrassed. 10/10 shopping experience.

Mute things you can't handle, regulate your exposure, your moral obligation to act includes making sure you're not incapacitating yourself by trying to keep up with every horrific thing all the time.

Since there's a lot of fucked up shit circulating from the newest Epstein files release, remember that there's no moral obligation look at this stuff. Traumatizing yourself by passively taking in horrific information without any way to translate that into useful action isn't activism.

i was happier when i thought the phrase was "for all intensive purposes"

Here is your semi-annual reminder that I do draw stuff sometimes & have an online store: shop.roxiqt.com 👻

One of the best ways to combat How Everything Feels Awful Right Now is to do something on a regular basis that helps others directly. Whether you go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen or stay home and volunteer for a helpline, those actions create hope & make positive changes feel attainable.

The worst thing about scientists moving the hands of the doomsday clock forward is having to adjust the time on the doomsday clock in your car.

A grape growing on a vine doesn't know if it will wind up as a fine wine used to toast a bride and groom at a wedding, or as a raisinete stuck to the floor of a movie theater screening a Minions movie. Such is the nature of fate.

Brought my emotional support puppet to the custody hearing

THERAPIST: how have you been? ME: so, for this recipe, you need a corn tortilla, a slice of salami, a chunk of cheese & a dill pickle. first, place the meat & cheese onto the tortilla. microwave for 30 secs. then place the pickle onto the meat cheese pile. roll & enjoy. I call this "Pickle Tube."

taking a long drink of strawberry milk and whipping the glass into the fireplace

food is a kind of "superfood"

i don’t feel like going down into the crypt tonight i don’t care what lurks there

I've invented a new kind of microwave that rotates your food at 300rpm and makes a deafening foghorn noise for no reason at all

ME: [begrudgingly practicing self-care because I refuse to let the world harden me]

THERAPIST: how have you been? ME: so, for this recipe, you need a corn tortilla, a slice of salami, a chunk of cheese & a dill pickle. first, place the meat & cheese onto the tortilla. microwave for 30 secs. then place the pickle onto the meat cheese pile. roll & enjoy. I call this "Pickle Tube."

ME: [begrudgingly practicing self-care because I refuse to let the world harden me]

*fully restores your HP as you scroll past*

they're inventing more social networks for me to be unverified on

I don't know if anyone else gets anxious about phone calls but a little tip I've learned is: if there is a phone call that I don't want to make, before I start dialing the number, I carefully hold the phone in my hand & toss it gently into a lake. I hope this advice helps others.

I was looking out my window while making coffee, the Storm of The Century has the city quiet, then out of nowhere a bus drove down the street. The lone Bus Driver. I don’t know, it made me smile. I love Canada.

Reminder that I also sell #knitting patterns for $7 each and they require no shipping! ko-fi.com/crippledcomm... #BSNM #KnitSky #FiberArts #ShopSmall #DisabledArtist

In my ongoing attempts to give you a break from *gestures widely* THE HORRORS: Let's talk about the utterly bizarre science of cats' purring. Here's a weird starting point: There are NO cats (Felidae) that can BOTH roar AND purr. Cats that roar = genus Panthera Cats that purr = genus Felis

Now is the time to fight for our values.

I’m not a fan of restaurants that have a “sauce policy”. If I want a sauce, you give me a sauce. That’s a solid sauce policy.

Shout out to everyone currently experiencing everything

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

friendly neighborhood barred attorney telling you to never put your ID on your phone

A tub of cottage cheese is never as deep as I think it is and I’m always left with sad and lonely crackers. If I ever finish a sleeve of crackers and a tub of cottage cheese at the same time, I will feel a great sense of accomplishment.

The other day when I was out with @crocketthoughton.com, I got a blind box collectible but it ended up being one I didn't want. The one I -did- want was on display though. Crockett decided to ask the cashier if we could trade. She agreed. So yes, my husband is skilled in the art of negotiations.

They say that money can’t buy happiness but it can buy coffee and cheese and books and movie tickets. It can buy an inflatable adult-sized bouncy-house and a pizza with whatever you want on it. I hate to be a contrarian but it seems like maybe money can buy happiness.

You can just say you just finished a workout it doesn't need to be true

A ghost story, but not the scary kind 🩵

If I ever say that I “need to slip into something a little more comfortable” and I’m already wearing my Star Wars pajamas, I mean my Labubu onesie.

Happy Caturday from Hazel

Nearly 2 million Canadians are of Chinese descent, many with family and friends across the Pacific. As we renew this relationship, China has committed to soon allowing Canadians to visit without a visa.

[leaning over my sink eating cold leftover spaghetti at 4:30 AM] I'm sure today is going to be normal