born to be merry, forced to know what a spreadsheet is

If the Grinch steals my Christmas I will lose my shit

they should invent Online but the opposite

SUPERVISOR: I need to speak with some of you in my office ME: [filling the water cooler with spaghetti] whomst

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care, and the installation of the eggnog hose is almost complete.

I'm not saying the bakery I've purchased holiday baked goods from for the last ten years should have asked me personally before changing a recipe. That would be ridiculous. I'm just saying that how the bakery feels about peanut butter & jam bars has been noted and I will never forget this betrayal.

Did @crocketthoughton.com and I find the perfect Christmas gnome? Yes. Did we place him so that he strategically guards the presents? Obviously. Am I keeping him out year round after this? Duh.

So @roxiqt.com is taking me to a comic shop for the first time since I was a teenager and honestly getting this excited about something at 40 years old is a treat. Who knew life could just be nice?

SUPERVISOR: I need to speak with some of you in my office ME: [filling the water cooler with spaghetti] whomst

the holiday season is when my mom and I really connect through texts like “can you pick up ham” and “ham tuesdsy ok?” and “ok ham tuesday”

Some guy outside 7-Eleven just tried to sell me “invisibility potion.” Nice try pal, I’m not falling for that again

Life hack: If you like to wrap things, you can buy wrapping paper and wrap any object at any time. Wrap your groceries. Wrap the toilet. Wrap the dog. You don't have to wait for a "holiday" and turn it into a whole weird thing.

despite living under enormous pressure whales very rarely give up hope

By age 40, you should have a list of things that 40-year-olds should have even if it's only one thing

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them are two velociraptors. Each velociraptor has within them two ghost samurai, and so on. Anyway, my point is you have 524,288 cowboy demons inside you.

So it turns out that when your wife starts a conversation with "I just think it's funny how you," she does not actually think anything you've done is funny at all

ME: [immediately after getting hired]

*stopwatch ticking* how christmas was stolen from the grinch: tonight on 60 minutes

The thing about social media is that not only can you find all sorts of information (real information & fake information), you can also find videos of cats. I always want to know if cats are real. The thing I hate about AI is, information is verifiable but dancing cats are only a maybe.

The main reason you don't see very many people with pet raccoons online is because once you have a pet raccoon, you are too busy hanging out with your raccoon to be online. There is also a good chance that the raccoon changed their Wi-Fi password.

JoJo Deluxe helping me make the prime rib

The five stages of grief but it’s just me realizing I have to leave my house

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are! bsky.app/starter-pack...

My roommate saw me put more cheese onto a frozen pizza & it was like I unlocked something in him. I saw the wheels turning as he realized we don't have to settle for the default amount of cheese the pizza overlords offer us. What goes onto the frozen pizza is in our control. We have the power.

this is where I'm posting from

FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli. ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

resting after her tortuous ordeal

Went Christmas shopping with @crocketthoughton.com today & as we were walking up the street, a dude was staring at us and finally said "Hey, where'd you get your masks?" I said we got them online. He goes "Hell yeah, those are sick" and I was like "Thanks man!" 10/10 random stranger interaction.

why aren't they throwing bread at me. what do the ducks have that i do not

Texting my therapist right before the appt "coming in hot"

Christmas hits different during the holidays

I’m a single issue voter and my issue is that those busses that bend in the middle should make accordion noises

(after drinking a full sugar soda) i wish someone would try to fight me

*slams fists on table* there was a two for one sale at the fist store

A major part of having dogs is asking why is that wet

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: you can put mac and cheese on your hot dog and there is no legal authority that can stop you

is it also really funny to anyone else when you slice through a hard boiled egg and one half doesn't contain any yolk whatsoever, or do i need to log off for a while and live in the mountains

At least at the airport, come on! You could be asymptomatically spreading shit all over the world! And catching it too! Even if/when COVID IS actually over, I'm masking at airports.

I know most people tune this stuff out but there are 4 different people who I know personally (who do not know each other) who are seriously ill and/or hospitalized right now due to COVID or Long COVID related issues. Protect your health. Protect your family. Mask up this holiday season.

Having to identify oneself as disabled to access accommodations is, on its own, a huge barrier to getting many disabled people the accommodations they need.

Men who can't mend a hole in their pants or cook a meal from scratch will insist to me that I need to be drilled on gun safety despite not handling any because "you never know when you might need those skills, it's about being prepared to navigate life's surprises!"

I am 100% opposed to these laws because in all cases they are used to pressure disabled people to die. Because that's cheaper than providing the supports they need to live. It happens in Canada with MAID, it happens in Oregon, it will happen in Illinois.

Spending the holiday season cuddling with my husband watching Christmas horror movies while we cough and sneeze and pass tissues back and forth... but the real holiday horror is how we both have to drink Buckley's cough syrup.

Spending the holiday season cuddling with my husband watching Christmas horror movies while we cough and sneeze and pass tissues back and forth... but the real holiday horror is how we both have to drink Buckley's cough syrup.

They're selling you the same pasta in different shapes and you're falling for it

Here is your semi-annual reminder that I do draw stuff sometimes & have an online store: shop.roxiqt.com 👻