a Hondavirus outbreak would never happen at Toyotathon, I tell you what

I took @crocketthoughton.com to get food from a place I frequented years ago. I said the food was great but they wouldn't remember me. When we walked in, the owner was putting our order together & asked "you used to live nearby, yeah?" It's a small thing but it means so much simply being remembered.

why would i want to watch a podcast. podcasts are for when you are doing something else

Sitting normal

spread the Hondavirus by test driving the all new 2027 Accord today

Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage to click on “here’s everything we know about your favorite show’s next season” links knowing full well it just says “we actually don’t know anything”

FRIEND: [stressed] ME: [1% less stressed] you have to avoid the screens, man. they contain information & if you don't see it, you can't be stressed about it. you'll never know what's going on in the world which creates it's own problems, sure, but avoid the screens. give your phone to a raccoon.

One of my Sims just ordered a pizza and it cost $177 so I think we can all agree that it is a highly realistic video game.

genuine plea: please include alt text in your posts so that people with vision disabilities can know what’s in your pics/videos. if public health is going to claim to care about disabled people, we need to be making our stuff accessible, especially during events like this one.

One of my Sims just ordered a pizza and it cost $177 so I think we can all agree that it is a highly realistic video game.

stimming! at the home goods (in the soft blanket section)

the biggest mistake we make as a people is putting our friend the humble potato in the fridgerator

I remember when you used to love when my frantic scurrying kept you awake all night

If you see a weird-looking dog you have to tell me immediately. If I find out any of you have been looking at weird-looking dogs without involving me I might never forgive you.

always a little eerie to look up and catch someone’s eye and they hurriedly look away. you spying on me or something buddy

FRIEND: [stressed] ME: [1% less stressed] you have to avoid the screens, man. they contain information & if you don't see it, you can't be stressed about it. you'll never know what's going on in the world which creates it's own problems, sure, but avoid the screens. give your phone to a raccoon.

thinking of becoming an ethereal being capable of interstellar and extra dimensional travel if anyone has some starter tips

(doing the bare minimum) you have no idea what i go through every day

hey man is everything ok? I noticed your sworn allies, fatigued by the frequency of your psychological collapses, and baffled by their esoteric character, were beginning to ghost on you

(leaving port on a boat in 1910) i need to wave a handkerchief into the wind about this

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like? Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

This allergy season has been so aggressive and for what. Aren't we going through enough already

Bonus shark photo from yesterday with double the shark action 🦈

A good reason to get married is so that you have someone to go look at sharks with whenever you are both like "We should go look at some freakin' sharks."

Please stop destroying the world, I was using that

The reason it's impossible to figure out what to have for dinner is that we didn't evolve for it. We didn't evolve to have a billion dinner options we have to seek out. We're supposed to see a dinosaur running by, spear it, and that's that

Some guy at 7-Eleven just tried to sell me a treasure map. Nice try pal, I’m not falling for that again

Yesterday was such an incredible day. Happy six month wedding anniversary weekend! I love you. Sharks are the best. Sharks. We did other things too that were awesome. Bonus: us at Union station and the distillery district.

A good reason to get married is so that you have someone to go look at sharks with whenever you are both like "We should go look at some freakin' sharks."

[my therapist glancing at her watch] Is there anything you'd like to talk about *besides* Mufasa's death?

ⓘ This account is for cyberbullying large accounts into being accessible by way of alt text

princess of the pigeons

Deleting everything in my dentist's calendar on their little computer when they leave the room

As an empath, I can sense when a cloaked figure is chasing me through the catacombs

Something they don't tell you about being in your 30s is that one day, you wake up and think "yeah, broccoli actually does sound like it would be kind of good on a pizza."

tried a delicious "coffee" this morning. a type of rich chowder made of beans. similar to japanese miso, with an intriguing flavour of wood

"baby steps" I mutter while crashing into things and falling down

All the warnings about a sedentary lifestyle don't apply to me because I'm lying down most of the time and that's different. There isn't even science about that

A verification code has been inserted into one of your childhood memories. Once you've reminisced, enter it here:

*enjoying a moment of peace* hey it's been a while since you got some horrifying news

coffee is goated when grimly staring out the window imagining the future built for us by indifferent fate is the vibe

Timeline cleanse!

one thing we've learned today is I don't think there's anybody that has any remaining amount of chill left in their entire bodies

i don’t think it’s productive to act like a woman’s looks or talent make her more/less likely to be cheated on that said i do think its important for the entire internet to yell at klay thompson rn. i do think he should receive feedback on this matter.

My wife says the funniest things, for example- the other night she took a blanket from behind me, crumbling my makeshift back support and leaving me flat against the bed. She laughed and said "I'm sorry, I didn't know that blanket was load-bearing." Yes, I married the right person.

[my coworkers completely minding their own business & not paying attention to me at all] ME: [being normal] haha, whaaat? noooo, I didn't introduce a pizza called the volcano dipper to everyone on Bluesky last night, that was not me, I ate a regular dinner consisting of a single cabbage

We went out the other day to pick up coffee and I saw, what I believe to be, the most Canadian t-shirt rack that has ever existed.

Felt like I needed to add a sense of mystery and adventure to my life. Then I remembered we live in a world where I can order something called a "volcano dipper" from a pizza place and now my husband and I are waiting for this abomination to get delivered.