sleep at a reasonable time? impossible

cheese is older than god

why are all my posts in the Unpopular with Friends feed

I suppose 2 AM is as good of a time as any for another cake pop

If you're reading this, I hope your day was filled with joy and love

I am about to make these kids so fucking sorry. (We’re playing Sorry! the board game)

Give the gift of unsolicited advice

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’ve decided to win the Oscar™️ for best actor this year.

having an allergic reaction to existing

I’ve already redeemed all of my sex coupons. Next years holiday season can’t get here fast enough

Do you think Martha Stewart banged Snoop at some point?

What's the best age to tell a highway it's a piece of shit?

me: *cleaning up after opening presents* whose front teeth are these

I love that when I post over 200 times in a single day, it makes me A Very Cool Cat but when the President of the United States does it, it makes him An Unequivocal Loser

We may technically be poorer than them, but when it comes to what really matters, most of us are far richer. That’s why stuff like A Christmas Carol hits nearly 200 years later. Tale as old as time, bringing much comfort

It doesn’t fix things, but it really does bring me comfort to know how miserable some of the worst people are. Donald Trump tweeting over 200 times on Christmas. Billionaires fighting with strangers online during the holidays. Everything about Elon Musk

John Oliver has said this explicitly FYI That without local news he couldn't do his show (and to his credit, he's pretty good about crediting his news sources)

Tax the fucking billionaires into nonexistence and feed the hungry children

christmas farting from your rear brings good luck all next year

You can tell that LotR was written by an academic because Gandalf disappears for like 20 years doing research to answer a single question.

Guy who thinks the term is "shitting duck": I never had a chance, like a shitting duck

Germans love the Christmas movie The Hard

for 2026, I think I will communicate primarily via GIF

I suppose there's always next year

get in loser, we have more regrets to make before the year is out

i learned all my dance moves from watching a charlie brown christmas

Fuck you people. Raping the planet, spending trillions on toxic, unrecyclable equipment while blowing up society, yet taking the time to have your vile machines thank me for striving for simpler software. Just fuck you. Fuck you all. I can't remember the last time I was this angry.

eating mashed potatoes with butter, heavy cream, fresh mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar because I've been lifting (the weight of my mother's expectations)

A nice thing about getting older is you can say, “boy i done seen some shit” and even if you if haven’t actually seen anything, people will mostly take your word for it

There is no more surefire way to win back a restless and dissatisfied populace than by making all of their food poisoned and rotten and nasty.

911, what is your emergency? Okay, promise you won’t be mad, though?

Help! Please -- my posts, they're all so very bad

A good day for my favorite hobby. Walking around with an inexplicable limp, pointing at strangers, yelling, "you there!", then shuffling off without any follow up.

you don’t have to wait for the world to get better before you make your life better (and other reminders i need on a regular basis)

We should track Santa all the time not just Christmas Eve

RFK: “Where did all this autism come from? It never existed when I was a kid!” “A Christmas Story”, a 1983 movie based on a 1971 memoir about a childhood in the 1930s: “This is my brother Ralphie. He has a ton of sensory issues and behaviors we don’t understand. Every family has a child like him.”

For Whom the Guy Replies

I wish we could explain to small children that some day, getting in bed and going to sleep will become the highlight of their lives.

Die Hard was actually appropriated from pagans

FAFO Found A Fun Object!

(jack nicholson plunging an axe through a wooden door as shelly duvall screams) the aristocrats!

quick now everyone brainstorm goals you have no intention of following through on in the next 3 weeks

What's the cut off for bad Christmas posts?

one tray of King's Hawaiian rolls is a serving

As a billionaire I’ve invented an entirely new form of philanthropy and the key difference is that it involves me not giving money to anyone

What if the years greatest called shot was also an incredible shitpost

A Mighty Ducks, Goofy Movie mashup called The Mighty Shucks

meh, I’ve muted people for less

do you mean to tell me there are people LYING on the INTERNET