ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

The government knowingly putting false information in the label of a drug is crossing a Rubicon that should not be taken lightly

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

trying to get in shape before my physical so my doctor doesn't find out how i live

So the Bible says that the faithful will be called to Heaven in the Rapture, and those with doubt will be left behind. So if anyone wants to demonstrate their faith by signing over all of their worldly possessions to me, I am here to be an instrument of your faith. Tell Jesus I said hello.

I'm looking for pretty good thriller novels. I'm also open to really good suggestions, but sometimes pretty good is just right. I'm all out of Gillian Flynn and Paula Hawkins.

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

⚠ this user will not be raptured

hey i just got an alert saying your personal info was found on the dork web

I’m into self-improvement as long as it doesn’t require actual effort or feelings.

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

increasingly often i find myself wondering what the hell people are even talking about

You can’t fix autism because autistic people are not broken.

just want to add that even if Tylenol did cause autism that wouldn't be a big deal because being autistic isn't a bad thing

Netflix and rapture?

would be a really fun day for a ‘war of the worlds’ type stunt

What if everyone masturbating disappeared at once? Call that a fapture

trying to make one good post before the rapture challenge level impossible

I’ll reply to your post 10 months after the fact, without hesitation, I am built like that

So do we know what time the rapture is? Do I have time to sleep in before going outside to watch?

do clothes get left behind

can we legalize the good tylenol with the codeine in it now

We have always been at war with Tylenol

The word “autism” was first used to describe behavioral differences in children in 1911 but autism has been documented using available records going back to the 1700s (definitively) and further. Acetaminophen (Tylenol, paracetamol) was discovered in 1878 and first sold in the United States in 1950.

Feels like we may be on the cusp of a return of one of my favorite bits from '80s and '90s religious freakout culture, which is tricking people into hearing music that sends them to hell

Someone called me a dumbass and honestly I’ve never felt so understood

If you get raptured in the middle of having diarrhea, how's that work? Are you spewing either physical or spectral diarrhea over the whole neighbourhood on your way up? I was raised by atheists, they never taught me this stuff.

I hope I don't get raptured mid-goon

Doctors HATE this one SIMPLE trick: saying tylenol causes autism

Conservatives love to darkly say stuff like “you aren’t prepared for what’s next, we’re not going to be moderate anymore, you have no idea what you’ve unleashed” and then cry like babies when you call them fascists

the makers of tylenol should sue and make them prove it

my mom took tylenol when she was pregnant, which made me super focused on menswear and now i have a million followers on twitter

Having millions of people who categorically do not understand the concept of "it's a bit" suddenly exposed to GWAR is pretty magical

Yes we really are space demons and we're coming to eat the president's guts and beat off on them

quick question - what if both knees are your bad knee?

Tried to get my real ID. I had my license, my SS card and my birth certificate. I was not allowed to get my real ID because my birth name is different than my married name. Now I have to go dig up a marriage certificate. You know who wouldn’t have to do this? A man. Never change your last name.

i call shotgun on the rapture

Call me a filthy commie but I think blowing up boats without actually knowing who or what is on them is really evil and wrong

the cob exists only to slow the rate at which I am able to consume corn

Disney: over the last 72 hours we were shocked to discover that censorship isn’t cool.

the HR rep who wrote my most recent job rejection email included a smiley face in the sentence where they urged me to apply for future openings, so I have that going for me

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

Celebrating fall by wearing socks with Croc's.

the person who steals the most cars tomorrow wins the rapture

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

I understand Miller doesn’t like being called Goebbels, but maybe - and I’m just spitballing here - he should stop plagiarizing Goebbels speeches

Thank God for contempt or I would never get held

Ok, tell me one thing that queso does not immediately enhance

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this