Bread should be a form of currency

“Why are you like this?” I DON’T FUCKING KNOW BRO -me, to me

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re holding something in one hand and you come across a task that requires TWO hands, it’s okay to just go ahead and put the first thing down.

I’m just here for the vibes

Time for my emotional support roasted potatoes

the canine urge to invade your personal space

in space i don't know what you mean

it’s ok wifi, i too am struggling to connect lately

humans are an invasive species

woke up feeling a little feverish, if someone else could please haunt the moors around the village this morning i’d really appreciate it

Look weather, with everything going on, the least you could do is warm the fuck up.

The world is a horrible place at the moment do I hope you manage to get some sun on your face today

bones are so weird. like we’re born with rocks inside us and they get bigger

"Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

I went to the grocery store sad (me explaining all these bags of marshmallows)

astronauts: *lost contact with earth for 40 minutes* me: jealous

guys the astronauts said we look beautiful from up there. please act like it

[waking up]: oh ffs

There comes a point in everyone’s life when you suddenly have a pair of shoes for gardening.

Structuring our narratives around a single protagonist has atrophied our ability to take collective action. Western literature, film, and games are All Hero, No Community. We have to move beyond these stories. Yes, even the cool ones

if you need me, I'll be up to my elbows in this enormous bag of butter popcorn

It is "scoop up some mashed potatoes with garlic bread" o-clock.

Add some structure to your bouquet by including a full stalk of corn

I know it's confusing but I'm not a lumberjack. I just love plaid.

Have you tried having a jamboree about it?

We're in our Hamburger Helper Renaissance.

VOICEOVER: are you tired of ME: absolutely

I'm only culturally human, not a practicing one

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your cousin chet.”

*lost in the woods* I hope an email finds me

Passing away unexpectedly in your sleep is a form of self care.

this is the news coverage I need

DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN 🏳️‍⚧️ #art #tdov #transart

i’m like if a girl was a canada goose…..

My cat finds shortcut combinations on my keyboard I didn't think were possible.

SORRY FOR ALL THE YELLING

After my third joke, a health meter appears over my therapist’s head

When I take out my colander to drain the pasta it makes a SCHWING sound not unlike a sword being unsheathed

"You post a lot" it's Bsky, what am I supposed to do? Cook rice?

normalize accepting normalization is a violent process

I wish I could take my brain out and blow on it like a classic NES cartridge, and put it back in.

People born today will never understand how aggressive some dudes were in the 2000s about needing to eat bacon to feel masculine. They'd make it their entire lifestyle & this was just one of the default types of guys that you'd encounter. Running into a "bacon guy" was just a normal part of life.

Walking through the hardware store and setting all the stud finders off

🌼🌼🍀🍀🌸🌸🍀🌱🌼 🌸🍀🌼🌱🌸🌼🌸🌺🌸 🍀🌼🍄🌼🍀🌸🌸🍀🌱 🍀🌱🌱🌱🍄🍀🍀☘️🌺 🌸🌺🍀🍄🌸🌺🌸🌼🌱 🍀🌸☘️☘️🌺🌺🌼🌼🌸 🌺🌱🌱🌼🌱🍄🌸🍀🌺

I just want existing in nerd spaces to be safe. Is that too much to ask?

Once you see MEOW in homeowner you can never look at the word the same. You’re welcome.

I thought I was full of emotions but it's just ghosts

sometimes i’m so smart i’m stupid. i got that wisdumb