Getting out my heavier cloaks and more ornate daggers to greet the autumnal equinox

cinnamon swirls are a form of culinary hypnosis

if you ever need someone to fumble a simple task in a disasterously comical and destructive way, hit me up 👍

it’s only a beauty parlour if i’m there

Eating rotisserie chicken over the sink just to feel something

Staring at trees make me cry. In a good way

Not to be annoying or anything, but🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️ 🎃🦇🍂👻🕸️!!!!!

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

To whomever/whoever/whatever needs to hear it: Calm down!

I hope when I’m a skeleton I’m one of the ones that reanimates to be intimidating and not one that plays my ribs like a xylophone you can’t take those guys seriously

Petrified wood is just regular wood that saw a ghost.

The downside of turning into a pumpkin at midnight is having to turn back into a person come the morning.

It’s a rainy version 🌧️ #pixel #pixelart

*takes a deep huff from a freshly opened bag of coffee beans*

my season of layering has begun

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

"what have u been up to" i don't know

My astral projected body waved at you from the next universe over. Please respond.

The best boycott would be to just quit buying everything, dig a deep hole in the ground, crawl into the hole, and sleep for the next 3+ years.

she's a 10 but she is a celestial body, fallen from the sky, made whole again by your love, the light from which literally radiates from her body casting out the darkness. so that's nice.

warding off evil spirits with a vat of queso dip

Sorry for everything I’ve ever said and that I can’t stop talking.

The only thing a girl can trust is her heart And her sword

I’m gonna start a cooking show where I make recipes I’ve never tried. I’m gonna call it 30 Minutes My Ass.

bunnies can walk but choose to hop

You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

it’s always sashimi and never sashiWE☹️

the crows know. that’s all i’ll say. 🐦‍⬛

♡ ╱|、 (˚ˎ 。7 |、˜〵 じしˍ,)ノ

Tired of the same Sunday routine? Have waffles lost their lustre? Find a forest filled with fog and wander inside. Disappear for 1,000 years. Reemerge as a creature of moss & legend, one who spreads wisdom and dread in equal measure.

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

can i offer you some alt text in these trying times

I wish 15 year old me knew how iconic she actually was

Days like today make me wish I had a cat or ten

If you're not empowering your friends, wtf are you even doing?!

True life: I think I ate too much cheese.

Okay, I can explain. I'm really a giant chicken.

*slaps my forehead "there's a whole circus going on in here, wanna join me"

at this rate i’ll be a croissant by noon

another spooky season cat added to the collection

Never underestimate how much Mac & cheese I can consume

Cat #1: "What about second breakfast?" Me: *walks away* Cat #2: "I don't think he knows about second breakfast."

I would like a stick of TUMS where I could whittle a little slice.

good luck to everyone trying to flip something in a pan today

I don't particularly care for your tone, your honor

A lobotomy is an operation to remove one of the wolves inside of you

🎶 I gave you my music… 🎶 pls respond