Tech guys six months ago: haha yes we’re cutting all this WASTEFUL spending by eliminating medical research and USAID Tech guys now: yes I think taxpayers will be excited to bailout my non consensual pornography machine

A TikToker did a social experiment where she called churches to get help to buy formula to feed her baby. Every church repeatedly declined to help. TikTok now can’t stop talking about the experiment. /

People say Barbie is an unrealistic role model, but what about Mr. Potato Head? I’ve never seen a guy who looks likes that

ME [to the demon possessing my body]: I feel like lately you're just going through the motions, that your heart just isn't in it. THE DEMON POSSESSING MY BODY: *turns my head coldly away, looks quietly out the window*

God I love when old pieces of shit stop existing ♥️

no, I said I wanted a tradewife. like a union electrician

Ran out of things to say but probably gonna be alive for another 40-50 years, this sucks

"If you aren't mad, you ARE paying attention" -my anger management teacher

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

last night was so cool

They should invent a food that you don’t have to freakin rinse off

We should be extremely clear about this: fascists like Charlie Kirk have spent the last decade inciting political violence. They created the current climate and the only way to change course and end the violence we’re witness is to comprehensively defeat fascism. www.jphilll.com/p/charlie-ki...

I’m not confident of much but I can tell you that no matter how it happens my last words won’t be blaming mass shootings on trans people

Using the men’s room at a wnba game

(take on me voice) 🎶 fuuuuuuck thiiiiiiis shiiiiiit

Rudy Giuliani happened to be in the middle of one of his favorite pastimes - RESPECTING WOMEN - when he suddenly broke every single bone in his body. Please do not call and ask any questions because his business partner is taking care of him ❤️

I wish any of the children from the Secret Garden were my children, sneaking away at every opportunity to cultivate an immaculately landscaped oasis. My yard looks like shit and my kids are just sitting here.

she looks nothing like him

I was at the urinal with my pants all the way down of course and I was pulling apart my butt cheeks so my farts would be quieter when all of the sudden a big poop flied out of my rear hole and landed in the sink behind me

The mental health benefits of not knowing any history right now must be massive. Moving through your day with total equanimity. What happens next? Who knows? Maybe something good

A kid in my class said “children are dumb.” There was silence for a moment, then another kid whispered “you have no respect for your own kind”

I have a new story thing in @havehashad.com. I'm grateful and humbled to appear in this amazing journal. www.havehashad.com/hadposts/whi...

Sad but true: every day a new teenage boy learns the phrase "methinks" and embraces a life of evil

remember to scroll back to the top of the webpage before leaving so that it's ready for the next person

[having sex] ME: sex sounds PARTNER: are you saying "sex sounds"?

No one lusts for death more than a cocktail bar that puts its bathroom down a flight of stairs

[putting dishes in the dishwasher] get lost, suckers [now that the dishes are clean] oh no, they’re back

If man is not supposed to play god then why is it so easy to grow a full civilization inside old leftovers

May I PLEASE pet the violin?

[FBI checking my Google history] This guy's clear, he only searched for "How to bill the kresident"

If you see something (a dog wearing Crocs), say something (“hey look at that dog wearing Crocs”)

I sucked off Snuffleupagus

“You aren’t IN traffic, you ARE the traffic.” Not me pal I’m just alone in my car being victimized by my surroundings

Got too sweaty! Time to throw away all my clothes and start over

Hell yeah, ska is so back

My sciatica has returned. The NERVE of this thing lol ow

Online Store: Great news!! Your package has shipped ❤️ Click here to track it 🥰 Me: [clicks] Online Store: Whoa whoa WHOA! Slow down, Speed Racer!!! We haven’t even put the sticker on the box yet, JESUS Christ 😬 🛑

I love toilets. Just flush it down. Not my problem anymore. Let the pipes figure it out.

“Hey. Guess what. I’m $30 now.” -Lunch

what if the dog were orange instead of blue. orange's clues. that's ridiculous. frankly, i despise it

Most sports are ultimately about how thrilling it can be to take a ball to a place

It’s a good thing Congress isn’t alive to see this

Me: I have to pee Dad: [pulling over] Go in the woods Me: [walking through the woods for 20 minutes] Where the hell is the bathroom out here

[hitting on someone whose dad is named Kevin] Did it hurt… when you fell from Kevin [in this scenario I’ve forgotten how birth works]

By age 40 you should have… - - - anger

Everything that’s happened over the past six months has been a response to an imaginary crisis. There is no immigrant invasion. No trade crisis. No scientific or governance crisis. Just people completely high off their own supply trying to fundamentally reorder society. None of this had to happen.

During the month of june we should be able to order things "gay style" at businesses nationwide, be it a restaurant, a clothing store, etc etc. I don't care what kind of establishment, if I say "can I get this one 'gay style'" to a teller at the bank I'm sure he can fucking figure it out

where the hell is the button to show only the good posts

I wish I knew how to play soccer, it seems fun, I'd love to eat my teammates via cannibalism

I love to push a button and receive a pellet. A delicious treat for me? Might as well push it again. If it gives me a small electric shock once in a while, well, that's just the cost of doing business