Please do not April fools me tomorrow I am too fragile I might bleat like a goat

They named a moving company after what I shout at the height of ecstasy

I’m a Pangea nostalgist. Put it back together

(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800 cookie monster: is that bad doctor: sir it's deadly Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

Tonight I am making space to be grateful for all the nights I DIDN’T find a centipede in my bed

mom come get me the world is being callous toward my tender heart

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

[painstakingly transferring my bodily waste to the sink]

If an evil mastermind asked me to do their bidding I’d probably do it, I just like being helpful

Yeah I'm making a BLT... a Bird-Like Tweedle! I'm whistling baby

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

@amfmpm.bsky.social hey man any chance we can get some heathcliff and Cathy shirts to wear to the movie?

Highlighting the speaker who stood in front of the Surprise mayor and told him to consider what the Mayor of Ohrdruf must’ve thought before he died by suicide: “He might have thought ‘how is this my fault I had no jurisdiction over this’ maybe he said ‘this site was not subject to local zoning.’”

Sometimes it’s hard to accept that a person is bad because they are so beautiful on the outside

Let the dough rest for 12-24 hours. I am the dough.

Whole crowd started booing when Samson put the loincloth on lmao

saw a group of scientists looking at my posts and they were all nodding their heads emphatically

idk maybe just ride out the electrical issue and see how it goes, keep it casual

Business idea: take a nap

Every movie should have the subtitle The Bone Temple For example, When Harry Met Sally: The Bone Temple

"It wasn't murder, and if you say it was murder we will kill you, which again will not be murder."

[looking at paintings from a Renaissance master] wow my man sure could do it

"what are we going to do with 20,000 ICE agents if we abolish ice" well to start with I think we should all literally spit on them in public for the rest of their lives

I regret to inform you that my parents have somehow bought a new TiVo

[beaver dad picking out a Christmas tree with the Home Depot clerk] so which one would you say is the most delicious

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Capt. Jones and I'll be your pilot today and, uh damn that's a lot of buttons. That's a lot of fucking buttons

When you get into your 30's and 40's pop culture starts making up musical artists. They pretend these fake bands are popular just to make you feel bad

Unfortunately someone that I respect immensely is also hot as hell

Cyber Monday is here and deals are going fast! These deals are diaphanous. They are receding even as we speak, becoming mere memories of deals, prices longed for but lost, hints at what could have been had for less. A golden slant of sun through window falls on an empty countertop. Act now.

ok computer give papa his dopamine

Told my girlfriend she has beautiful hair and she said "no, it looks like worms." What do I do now

ok why is lying in bed with my eyes closed making me sooo tired rn

Just now noticing that I can click the "remember me" box on my coworker who calls me Carl

a new jersey-based christmas tree delivery service called Spruce Bringsteen

Tech guys six months ago: haha yes we’re cutting all this WASTEFUL spending by eliminating medical research and USAID Tech guys now: yes I think taxpayers will be excited to bailout my non consensual pornography machine

A TikToker did a social experiment where she called churches to get help to buy formula to feed her baby. Every church repeatedly declined to help. TikTok now can’t stop talking about the experiment. /

People say Barbie is an unrealistic role model, but what about Mr. Potato Head? I’ve never seen a guy who looks likes that

ME [to the demon possessing my body]: I feel like lately you're just going through the motions, that your heart just isn't in it. THE DEMON POSSESSING MY BODY: *turns my head coldly away, looks quietly out the window*

God I love when old pieces of shit stop existing ♥️

no, I said I wanted a tradewife. like a union electrician

Ran out of things to say but probably gonna be alive for another 40-50 years, this sucks

"If you aren't mad, you ARE paying attention" -my anger management teacher

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

last night was so cool

They should invent a food that you don’t have to freakin rinse off

We should be extremely clear about this: fascists like Charlie Kirk have spent the last decade inciting political violence. They created the current climate and the only way to change course and end the violence we’re witness is to comprehensively defeat fascism. www.jphilll.com/p/charlie-ki...

I’m not confident of much but I can tell you that no matter how it happens my last words won’t be blaming mass shootings on trans people

Using the men’s room at a wnba game

(take on me voice) 🎶 fuuuuuuck thiiiiiiis shiiiiiit