Nobody: Every metal surface in my home in the winter:

[reframing my thinking so I don’t lose my mind] It is a PRIVILEGE to have the OPPORTUNITY to look for a parking spot for 45 minutes

I DO hear those sleigh bells jingaling! Don’t hear any ring ting tingling, though… oh there they go

I regret to inform you that my parents have somehow bought a new TiVo

“You like that clock? You can put a gun in it.” - My dad

[beaver dad picking out a Christmas tree with the Home Depot clerk] so which one would you say is the most delicious

Girlfriend: hey is there any chance that you maybe [insert very specific thing that no one else on earth would ever notice or care about], you ass moron?

Busted! My dad caught me looking at pics of other father figures on my phone again

I saw mommy talking quietly with Santa Claus under the stark beam of the kitchen light. Santa whispered the word "divorce"

Stop bringing your dogs in here, they keep buying up all our dang cigarettes!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Capt. Jones and I'll be your pilot today and, uh damn that's a lot of buttons. That's a lot of fucking buttons

When you get into your 30's and 40's pop culture starts making up musical artists. They pretend these fake bands are popular just to make you feel bad

Unfortunately someone that I respect immensely is also hot as hell

Cyber Monday is here and deals are going fast! These deals are diaphanous. They are receding even as we speak, becoming mere memories of deals, prices longed for but lost, hints at what could have been had for less. A golden slant of sun through window falls on an empty countertop. Act now.

ok computer give papa his dopamine

Told my girlfriend she has beautiful hair and she said "no, it looks like worms." What do I do now

And now it’s doing absolutely jack squat

ok why is lying in bed with my eyes closed making me sooo tired rn

Just now noticing that I can click the "remember me" box on my coworker who calls me Carl

a new jersey-based christmas tree delivery service called Spruce Bringsteen

Tech guys six months ago: haha yes we’re cutting all this WASTEFUL spending by eliminating medical research and USAID Tech guys now: yes I think taxpayers will be excited to bailout my non consensual pornography machine

A TikToker did a social experiment where she called churches to get help to buy formula to feed her baby. Every church repeatedly declined to help. TikTok now can’t stop talking about the experiment. /

People say Barbie is an unrealistic role model, but what about Mr. Potato Head? I’ve never seen a guy who looks likes that

ME [to the demon possessing my body]: I feel like lately you're just going through the motions, that your heart just isn't in it. THE DEMON POSSESSING MY BODY: *turns my head coldly away, looks quietly out the window*

God I love when old pieces of shit stop existing ♥️

no, I said I wanted a tradewife. like a union electrician

Ran out of things to say but probably gonna be alive for another 40-50 years, this sucks

"If you aren't mad, you ARE paying attention" -my anger management teacher

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

last night was so cool

They should invent a food that you don’t have to freakin rinse off

We should be extremely clear about this: fascists like Charlie Kirk have spent the last decade inciting political violence. They created the current climate and the only way to change course and end the violence we’re witness is to comprehensively defeat fascism. www.jphilll.com/p/charlie-ki...

I’m not confident of much but I can tell you that no matter how it happens my last words won’t be blaming mass shootings on trans people

Using the men’s room at a wnba game

(take on me voice) 🎶 fuuuuuuck thiiiiiiis shiiiiiit

Rudy Giuliani happened to be in the middle of one of his favorite pastimes - RESPECTING WOMEN - when he suddenly broke every single bone in his body. Please do not call and ask any questions because his business partner is taking care of him ❤️

I wish any of the children from the Secret Garden were my children, sneaking away at every opportunity to cultivate an immaculately landscaped oasis. My yard looks like shit and my kids are just sitting here.

she looks nothing like him

I was at the urinal with my pants all the way down of course and I was pulling apart my butt cheeks so my farts would be quieter when all of the sudden a big poop flied out of my rear hole and landed in the sink behind me

The mental health benefits of not knowing any history right now must be massive. Moving through your day with total equanimity. What happens next? Who knows? Maybe something good

A kid in my class said “children are dumb.” There was silence for a moment, then another kid whispered “you have no respect for your own kind”

I have a new story thing in @havehashad.com. I'm grateful and humbled to appear in this amazing journal. www.havehashad.com/hadposts/whi...

Sad but true: every day a new teenage boy learns the phrase "methinks" and embraces a life of evil

remember to scroll back to the top of the webpage before leaving so that it's ready for the next person

[having sex] ME: sex sounds PARTNER: are you saying "sex sounds"?

No one lusts for death more than a cocktail bar that puts its bathroom down a flight of stairs

[putting dishes in the dishwasher] get lost, suckers [now that the dishes are clean] oh no, they’re back

If man is not supposed to play god then why is it so easy to grow a full civilization inside old leftovers

May I PLEASE pet the violin?

[FBI checking my Google history] This guy's clear, he only searched for "How to bill the kresident"