solution is simple. duct tape the great clown pagliacci to a chair in your living room. have him call his manager at gunpoint. tell him you are a very promising act and he wants you to open his next show

GRANDMA TEXTING ME: How's it been? Are you still sleeping somewhere warm? ME SENDING A VOICE MEMO: I don't know. Everything is illegal [turn signal sounds] I'm getting awesome. But they made everything illegal

Making an HBO gay sex show about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern call that Heated Ribaldry.

The Empire Strikes Back (1980): No, I am your father. Matte painting by the legendary Harrison Ellenshaw.

White night, white noise. As if speaking in static, a parched, crackling voice repeatedly croaked these words: I am a doctor. I used to do cocaine off toilet seats

ratatouille but the rat wants to be in pornos

Would you still vote for the Democrat if they were a worm

This is so much worse than what took down Nixon, difference was that then the media did not like Nixon and wasn't trying to help him and today the media is controlled by the Epstein-Oligarch class and so is part of the same conspiracy that Trump is and buries it

Good old nosfetatu

LMNOP is the funniest run of consecutive letters and it's not even close

Genuinely did not know there were even 19k people on this app

You ever take a dump and feel like the ventriloquist finally took their hand out of you

manhattans are my go to for the home bar because if I run out of whisky and start drinking the vermouth it lets me know I'm becoming an alcoholic

It's really funny ambien is legal when we know a certain number of people are just gonna go, "Well time for a midnight drive" and remember nothing of it

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

Erm methinks there is a 0% chance of Jesus coming back because he's been dead a couple millennia and his magical sky father is not real

Man goes to doctor. Says, "doctor, I am so depressed. I only want to sleep all the time. I am always hungry and thirsty, and I spend all my time on the toilet urinating. My wife says my breath smells like sour milk. What can I do?" Doctor says "solution is simple. Go and see great clown Pagliacci,"

Katsuhiro Otomo, homenagem a Escher

couldn't sleep so i made him sit down

welcome to my homicile. your phone is disabled, no EMR allowed here. would you like to sample my ferments

Dr. Cody (@caulimovirus.bsky.social) and Dr. Lee are joined by celebrated legal understanding court-thingy guy and quality microphone-owner Charles Star (@ugarles.bsky.social) to discuss a troubling case of organ donation among brothers Tom & Jerry Strunk.

Y'all seen that feller that come through here

If you suck it. they will cum

My favorite artifact in the "you don't need AI to do art" discourse is, of course, screenwriter Dan O'Bannon's sketch of the facehugger to explain it to Giger.

Do you think she ever found a ancient man

for a great low rate you just can’t pass go to the general and fuck my ass!

i've always wanted to visit the entire state building

call him luis blanco the way he's getting high in the waymo. blowing anfo no dro. yes homo- astronomicus.

“I imagine if this was a homeless shelter or a mental health center, you would find a way to stop it. You would pull out all the stops." www.welcometohellworld.com/a-surprise-z...

*mayor pete, alone in a dark room, cigarette burning down to the filter, watching a zohran press conference on replay like the zapruder film* for too LONG. for TOO long. For too long. for too long. for too Long. for to

Gay Romano: get a load from this guy!

american evangelicals love debasing themselves for a guy who’s like ”praying is kinda gay”

the thing is that "age of consent guy" was a very specific, well known, risible, and widely scorned type of guy well before metoo. knowledge of age of consent laws has been a creepy tell for as long as i've been alive. that this wasn't considered weird in elite circles doesn't change broader reality

Un obus par cul, des vicères partout

Malheureusement l'unc est complètement haché...

WE GOT A LAMBO!!! #WorldBollardAssociation

Highlighting the speaker who stood in front of the Surprise mayor and told him to consider what the Mayor of Ohrdruf must’ve thought before he died by suicide: “He might have thought ‘how is this my fault I had no jurisdiction over this’ maybe he said ‘this site was not subject to local zoning.’”

when I find a turkey leg on the floor of the dungeon

Snake, don’t aim directly at Elon! Press R1 to bring up the CTS (Child Targeting System). We developed this system after the Gulf War.

if it was 1998 we'd have a flash game where elon musk is wearing his children as body armor and they flash every time they take damage until they fall off

CNC router factory

Democracy for an insignificant minority, democracy for the rich — that is the democracy of capitalist society.

the potential for computing technology to make life more immediately convenient was exhausted with the innovation of "use phone to get burger" and everything past that is diminishing returns for increasing immiseration of the masses

Folks the woke scientists are saying. “The danger is to the body, and it can kill. The form of the danger is an emanation of energy. The danger is unleashed only if you substantially disturb this place physically. This place is best shunned and left uninhabited.” Should we disturb it? [crowd cheers]

In hindsight i'm relieved Noam Chomsky didn't review my book

please sir the country is begging you for a thousand pedo chernobyls

mr fucker

I know that pit is singing