"If you find yourself pondering flood insurance just make a snap decision or you'll entangle some disaster contra your deliberations. You must read Sophocles as well as your atomic manuals." - my 194 year old ass, an ombre diffusion in a quart jar, senile, offering folksy wisdom to the vacuum

You know what. Don't look on my works. Fuck you. You don't deserve them. Despairing ass.

Grandpa is selling a life size doll and planning on delivering it himself. He’s putting it in the passenger seat and I’m not stopping him

Me and my houseboy noticed you from across the rave and we wanted to know… do you like LAN parties?

Do you think that's a lot of people or not a lot

You asked for help with I think that someone is trying to kill me infecting my blood and destroying my mind. Is this correct? I would be happy to help you with I think that someone is trying to kill me infecting my blood and destroying my mind

I believe it was clausewitz who observed that it is foolish to go to war with algae, as they are autotrophs with all the time in the world on their hands

okay so the president can organize a multimillion dollar carbon capture project in the middle of DC but everyone makes fun of it because it’s ugly? it’s like you do even care about the environment

AUSTIN POWERS (de-aged): baby I was practicing free love back when your granny was knocking boots, I don’t see the issue! VIVICA GOODBOOBS (Sydney Sweeny): Austin you can’t just shag anyone without telling me, being Poly is about communication! AUSTIN: (looks Wistful, sad song by The Weeknd plays).

Matthew Rhys in the criterion closet gives us “where shall I find ‘do the right thing’” in a Welsh accent

My doctor says I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.

I was already enjoying this salt water taffy then I realized I could make my own flavor combos by chewing two pieces at once

Most stuff is not all that weird

Kind of crazy how long I've been driving and didn't realize that the whole point is to prevent any cars from merging into you lane

I am drinking this and blasting diarrhea on your front door

Hey I was in the neighborhood doing your neighbor's fortifications just thought I'd drop by. I was noticing you could use a little crenellation maintenance maybe upgrade those rusty hedgehogs. Sally ports got some build up. I hope you don't think that moat's keeping anyone out

just checked out the Wikipedia article and wow, I had no idea

You could never make The Office today due to all the extreme genital close ups and real animal abuse captured on film.

I need every computer person to listen very carefully: nobody is ever wearing the nerd goggles. Except the worst fucking people. But mostly no one. One reason being. you're begging for a wedgie by wearing it

taskandpurpose.com/news/ivas-he... $2 bili for the mos eisely cantina background dude gear

bob odenkirk voice GOD DAMN IT

Did a cartoon for @josie.zone related to her upcoming @beckbook.com, the book about Beck.

God leave him alone

prn IV anti hypertensives are an attractive nuisance... Why are they in your powerplan in 2026

Shia le beau-frère

Just saw a surgeon who looks like Happy Gilmore's caddy

guy playing the "bet you won't last twenty seconds!" porn game: GODDAMNIT I almost fucking had it that time! Fuck!!

Wow had no idea they hired Bret Stephens

Snack touts unfamiliar, repulsive new flavor in classic original packaging

My initial thought about this was you need to grow up man. You're really "triggered??!!" posting like it's 2016 but it's worse than that, by writing shit like this you're joining the ugly masculinist crusade of the hegseths and millers as they for example call Talarico "dickless"

"Hey man if you keep cloning the same dude over and over he's gonna start to look all fucked up" Me: shut up

*cockney accent*

Protestants are quietly defenestrating Catholic lords regent

What are you guys giving up this year for pride month?

When I was a little kid, four or five, I heard "naked as a jay bird" and I figured "[adjective] as a [letter of the alphabet] + [animal]" must be a standard linguistic formula. so I came up with "naked as a bee hog" which is still in use

Imagine having 5 pressor shock intubated and your intensivist is doing cool math problems on X

Damn just now learned Sonny Rollins died. RIP Saxophone Colossus

If I make a little joke and you post your unfunny boomer trump meme under it that isn't even remotely related I'm going to block you. This isn't Facebook meemaw

Jim Berkey and Al Cody have withdrawn from Trump's America 250 Celebration (Llewyn Davis was not invited)

Seen this dude around, don't really know who he is but he looks like someone doing a Tim Gunn impersonation on SNL

A lot of whiners out there act like the median household isn't pulling down $35 more CPI adjusted dollars a week than it was in 1979.

any time i’ve seen the clip of dan soder and will sasso doing “macho man reads charles manson quotes” over the last few days i lose my mind. soder’s chappelle impression is delightful, too.

any rational society would look at a 63yr old man wearing a bad leather jacket and conclude that he's not a serious thinker

The legacy media loves some bullshit like the racist Odyssey meltdown because it's one of the few right wing grievances that is even legible outside of these freaks' online existence. They aren't going to run columns on conservatives drinking their own piss or bartering child brides

the only video worth rescuing from my deleted twtter

ok diva