I'm never going to use the stair machine at the gym, because if I get injured in the gym I want my arm to snap in half or something cool. I don't want to fall down the freaking stairs.

James Bond will return?

I don't think American soldiers have ever "fought for my freedom" in my lifetime, but they sure as hell fought for my right to not have to go to work today. So I guess that's something.

My name is Brock Paperscissorshoot.

I used to load mulch into people's cars for a job, and one time someone hit the automatic open too fast, it hit my arm, and it took a chunk out of my arm. Then after I put 40~ bags of mulch in, they lowered the trunk and there was a bit of my skin w/ hair on it stuck to their tail light 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

I think "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" was largely forgettable at this point, but "I want to start over... I want to be a baby" remains an All-Timer in my mind.

i heard Schumer sits in his office all day and plays with play-doh. he doesn't know how to answer the phone and no one ever taught him how to use computer so he just sits there making spaghetti with play-doh. blue, red, green, etc. It sounds funny, but they told me its actually really sad to see.

Well, it wasn't God, but Kathy Hochul gave me $200 in the mail today, so we're gonna call that "close enough."

smokin on that shit that makes your dick start durbin

Standing by this one.

Do the people who don't flush public toilets do that at home, too? Like do they just accidentally leave a bowl of shit sitting in their toilet regularly? I don't understand how you could possibly forget to flush a toilet like that.

Fetterman was worried if too many flights were cancelled the remaining ones would be fully booked for Thanksgiving, so they would have to stop offering the Delta Ogre Special (Three seats in a row for the price of two)

"Abolish the Senate" heads honestly stay winning, and we will continue to win over and over again. The Senate was not a good idea!! Huge L for the Founding Fathers!

They should put Kim Davis in jail again, just for being annoying.

one thing i do remember is that the republican party, before it went MAGA, was too weak to keep MAGA from taking it over. remember trump steamrolling all of those guys and now he tells them what to do and the worst elements of his base are in charge. democrats seem that weak now too. no control

Grosdoriane's Psychotic Fitness Tips: Increase your daily average step count to 30,000+ by canvassing door-to-door for left-wing candidates.

I do say this. Beef we have to get down. I think of groceries — it’s an old-fashion word, but it’s a beautiful word. Beef we have to get down, but we have prices way down.

Gotta reopen the government before too many people realize "Oh, if air traffic controllers wanted to, they have the power to *actually* shut down the entire country." We wouldn't want anything to ever actually happen, would we?

It's gonna feel sooooo good to not vote for Chuck Schumer again.

I hate when people post pictures of people from old sitcoms implying that they look old and saying "This guy was only 29!!! And i'm NOT just saying that because I'm 31 and built like post-Cheers Frasier...

Funniest possible outcome: He experiences true ego death and immediately abandons his entire life's work of extending his life lmao

Democrats need to have some fucking courage to let everyone see what a Republican led nation actually looks like. Stop negotiating, stand firm, no concessions. Let people see what they voted for, and then offer a REAL alternative, cowards.

dear God, please direct deposit $3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 into my checking account. amen

Huge pet peeve of mine, but I swear the Internet at large just found out about the concept of the "hedonic treadmill," and it drives me insane how I consistently only see it talked about in a pessimistic "Things get better, we feel worse" instead of the incredible opposite psychological adaptation!!

Me calling the Frito-Lay "Questions and Comments" hotline because I'm not really getting any vinegar flavor coming through from the Salt & Vinegar chips I bought:

I would never want to be my own boss, I'm a terrible employee.

It is a most loveley evening to sit on the couch in a sweatshirt and pajamas. . . Don't you think?

It's working...... I'm becoming Mr. Awesome ....

I think you can take one round-trip on an airplane every 2 years, max, and anything more than that is satanic.

No one else in NYC has ever gone on vacation 😔

It's only class warfare when we do it. When they fuck us, it's Just The Way Things Are Supposed To Be.

Not for nothing, but if someone was *actually* concerned about the idea of people "wasting" SNAP benefits (they aren't, they just hate people without money), they wouldn't be angry at people buying junk food. A 2 liter of soda and a box of oatmeal creme pies is a day's worth of calories for like $3.

You literally can't even get stuck in a dryer anymore without someone trying to have sex with you, it's insane.

They say hindsight is 20-20, but at the same time I probably should've had the forethought to know that 32oz of iced coffee on the drive was not the move given the "bathrooms out of order" situation going on at the gym right now.

lmao

One time I was in a Taco bell, and this guy came over to me and was talking about "yeah, it's crazy. They cast Robert Downey Jr, the guy with the drug problem. He's gonna be Iron Man." for literally no reason. And I was 12, so I had no fucking idea what he was talking about. Just a strange memory

I'm sorry, but if you make more money than me and send me a work email that is clearly generated by ChatGPT, I don't give a shit that it came from your email account: That is junk mail.

me when i face an incredibly mild inconvenience:

Put some on cantaloupe and I think this might just be the best idea I've ever had. Fruit with Sour Patch Kid coating. It's unreal. I am going to eat 3lbs of cantaloupe tonight, and no one can stop me.

I bought half a pound of malic acid and my plan is to sprinkle it on fruit until I either eat all 8oz, or I am forced to stop by legitimately disabling heartburn. Whichever comes first.