ME, CALLING MY FRIEND ON THE PHONE: Happy New Year! MY FRIEND: It’s not even ten pm. ME: Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

the look on my cat's face when I roll in at 2am is priceless

They say February is the shortest month, but that’s only because no one counts the mysterious time vortex between December 26th & 31st. Those days exist on a calendar, but mostly they just happen to you...like a low budget experiment fueled by leftovers. Then it’s a new year and you’re still tired.

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

I’m tired of living in the hood...also known as adulthood...where nothing is free and everything hurts.

shitposting for a brighter tomorrow

This individual had no right being in a *Muppets* movie.

Am I the only one who wanted Kevin to get The Pigeon Lady with Old Man Marley?

Mood Today:

I had forgotten that the Grinch steals people’s ice cubes. What a bastard

I beat the shit out of the ghost of christmas past the second he threw back the curtains of my canopy bed. not tonight, you ghastly motherfuckers

If you think it feels like a Wednesday, YOU ARE A DIRTY FILTHY LIAR

Merry Christmas Eve, from my family to yours.

It's as foggy as a Charles Dickens story here in Kansas City on Christmas Eve, so if I'm visited by three spirits tonight the signs were all there...

Big was begging to watch FNAF 2, but his little brothers were still fully powered by chaos, so I threw on Merry Little Batman (again) Little promptly face planted into sleep, and now Big keeps staring at Middle like they’re about to draw at the O.K. Corral.

Where is the Christmas music that is fast, shoutable, zero subtlety...exactly how it should be screamed while tearing wrapping paper like a maniac?

I don't know who needs this reminder...but make sure you buy batteries!

Really thinking about getting into NBA but I don't know if I should go with the Cleveland Cavaliers or the Denver Nuggets 🤔

I kinda want to get this and say "You can't catch me I'm Gingerbread Bams"

chat, help me settle an argument: are you naked if you are only wearing a hat on your head?

I wanna be your candy cane so you can lick me into a sharp point and use me to stab people.

Humpty Dumpty was visited by 3 Xmas spirits last night

They call me cheez it cause I'm extra cheesy

Her: Your profile said you were a special kind of dom. Me: Boredom.

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

Kansas City is the place where you start singing in the grocery store and nobody looks at you funny...they just jump in and harmonize.

Inside me, there’s a dead pancreas. So there are two blood sugars: Low crashes the party...kicks the pantry door in yelling “EMERGENCY” chugs my juice, and makes me snack like a raccoon. High overstays...thirsty, tired, smug, and impossible to evict. I manage both with math, insulin, and pure spite.

Back to back QB with torn ACL?

What's Alex Smith or Chad Henne doing right now?

Congratulations to

OMFG THE PAGEMASTER IS ON PRIME

This is actually a fun show.

I learned a lot about love from records that never rushed the chorus

stoned, eating leftover pizza, having the sudden and haunting realization that this is the best my life has ever been

LITTLE WOMAN IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE. now watching (90s version with Winona Ryder)

Doctor Strange is a Christmas Movie. Don't argue with me nerds, it's playing on TV 6 days before Christnas and there is time travel and magic involved Stephen Strange is basically MCU's Ebenezer Scrooge.

*applies eye makeup *sneezes 82 times immediately after

There's children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads

it's bedtime now and if you saw me here no you didn't

if you see a nazi, make sure all they want for christmas is their two front teeth.

The Grinch who stole my will to live.

Me, when it happens.

When you’re not close with your mom, and the aunt everyone swore you were a carbon copy of (including her own kids) dies seven days before Christmas...every year after that, the season feels a little sadder.

i'm SFH (shitposting from home) today and they don't pay me nearly enough for this

it was probably a mistake teaching him to read

Today's quickie project is a freehand, no pattern pouch for my baqsimi to hang off my festival basket. It's messy and I don't care. #crochet 🧶 #Diabetes

you ever get so high you feel like you have to remind yourself to breathe