That half hour before your team plays lasts longer than the rest of the day combined.

I would die because of 6. I would take a balloon every single time. Especially if it were Tim Curry's Pennywise. He looked like a carnival clown not Bill Skarsgård's Pennywise He looked like a Nope Clown from Hell.

Horror Film Safety

Fuck Calgon, I need the woke mob to take me away.

Greeting card that says I'm sorry for talking to your child like it was a dog

i still have 4 days left to win an olympic medal

Little just demolished 4 slices of Texas French toast and I’m genuinely impressed.

Social media can crash. If you need me...which you don't but if you think you do...text me. Do not call. Ever.

Presidents Day is supposed to honor people who ran a country, not people who ran it like a casino that eventually needs new management and a very patient bankruptcy attorney.

Blake Buchanan sounds like the secret identity of a Spider-Man villain.

Valentine's Day Horror because love in horror always ends up being about obsession. The heart shape stays the same. The meaning keeps rotting underneath it.

this wonderful scruffy little creature just lives in our house with us

Sometimes when I'm bored I text a bunch of family members " I hope you're sitting down" then turn off my phone

if we used quicksand in hourglasses the weekend would be here already

the spelling of lasagna upsets me

Oh fuck off

Big points by my chair: Spider. Middle: OMG IT’S A SPIDER. Me, already panicking: Big, get the hairspray! Instead, Big drags me toward it. I shriek and back away Little walks in, picks it up barehanded like a legend: Spider-Man! Turns out it was this:

If you put a bow on your naughty bits and send your Valentine pictures that qualifies as a Valentine's Day gift right?

It's that time of year again...I'm just happy with time

Scream 7 should’ve dropped on Friday the 13th. It would’ve been such a slick little full-circle moment...especially since Casey Becker’s fatal trivia miss in the original was about who the killer was on Friday the 13th. That kind of meta timing is exactly what the franchise was built on.

Kid Rock claiming Bad Bunny only got the Super Bowl because of DEI, while Rock cancels tour dates and Bad Bunny sells out stadiums, is the perfect metaphor for the oblivious, jealous conceit of white grievance.

This teenager saved his neighbor's dog from drowning in a freezing pond. This is Bernard. His family contacted emergency services right away, but high school senior Hugh Pinneo got to Bernard first. Hugh said he's "just glad I acted that day and saved the dog's life." We are too. 12/10 for all

Cinderella is short for Cindy Mozzarella

Every jobs report is like look, we wrecked the economy, but we swear that’s a good thing

Maybe Taylor Swift did attend... YOU DON'T KNOW!!!

Anyone with chronic illnesses or disabilities ever think yanno... Luigi Mangione needs a Mario?

what do you mean the leader of your country will sometimes "resign" just because there's "a scandal"

People that say no to a third slice of pizza 1. Why would you? 2. How could you?

To all the people whining...At some point you’ve got to confront the reality that blind loyalty isn’t a personality trait it’s a substitute for one. So go continue to be a cuck for Trump because the closest you'll ever get to a vagina is when your mom gave birth to you.

I don't know why conservatives complain about Bad Bunny singing in Spanish. They never listen to lyrics anyway. They think "Born in the USA" is an upbeat patriotic song. They played "We will rock you" on Trump's rallies to rev up the crowd. Trump jerks off two invisible dicks to YMCA.

i just saw someone say "Kid Rock makes music for the people who have tattoos of their kids but not custody" and hol up i need a minute

gasolina is girl gasoline

i think people mad about bad bunny’s performance have never been forced to consider that not everything is for you

I keep thinking they'll at least kick a field goal or sneak in a safety before the clock hits zero.

I’d rather watch Bad Bunny do a halftime show entirely in a language I’m not fluent in than sit through someone yelling into a mic while everyone pretends his very public lyrics about underage girls among other things don’t exist.

Q: What’s it called when you arrange your oranges A: orranging

figure skating singlehandedly keeping the sequin industry alive

Watching the Subpar Bowl

[important document] please list your emergency contact [me writing the words] borat voice my wife

america really is the main character of the world, but in the twitter way

I'm more of a parasocial butterfly

Little black dresses have nothing on little yellow dresses.

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

What’s even the point in watching then

I used to love computer it was my friend. Now I have hate in my heart

Caffeine has two effects. First, it pisses you off. Then it makes you real sleepy

I don’t flirt with death, but we do sometimes play footsie under the table.

the entire right in america will have a complete meltdown if there’s ever a president that can speak fluent spanish

I'm feeling very bitey today