3d printing a new blood brain barrier because mine won't quit letting the news in

If I could go back and tell my young self anything I’d tell her there are no grownups

Calling off work for the rest of the day to work on my smoky eye

Have you ever tried shutting the fuck up about it?

i really thought i’d be spending a lot more time out on the moors by now

Really bothers me when a public restroom has a Teamwork poster hanging in it

your post was sent straight to hell

hanging up in the middle of my own sentence

Let’s have a weird night.

Curly fries are just slinkies for your throat

The best part of pre-internet life was Not Knowing.

everyone grab their screaming buddy

Punk rock dulcimer

Uh check the calendar HR I can totally have whiskey at my desk today.

Flavor so bold it criticizes your haircut

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

I think I’m always slightly out of focus just as a person

playing Mario and watching Magnum PI, because its always the 80s baybee

Hey, you know what's soothing? Yeah, me neither.

fun fact: [guttural screaming]

I wanna pack of Italian greyhounds who is getting me a pack of Italian greyhounds

“No, I haven’t experienced any side effects, why do you ask?” I responded to the radiator.

Pretty tired of putting up with myself

I’m no accountant so when I do my taxes I put on some Violent Femmes and hope for the best

I feel deep down that my eyeglasses can survive the dishwasher

Out here making knee high compression socks sexy as fuck.

If I was in a boat filling up with sea I'd just wait until low tide inside the boat, it's how the moon told me to stop crying and start metal detecting

Take a drive, just to take a drive

I don’t have a mood that can’t be expressed by slide whistle

By my count we’re up to at least 17 stages of grief

I understood it better before you explained it to me

The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.

Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.

On a scale of one to Molly Ringwald’s prom dress, how disappointed were you?

A spray bottle, for close talkers.

I typed castle and my phone changed it to casshole, so get your 2026 update if you haven't yet

cheeseburger so good you forget that you’re driving

indefinite moratorium on “just to be clear…” please

making a break for it (soul leaves body)

You can stick your straw in my cherry cola if you wanna

A creature is stirring, it’s me I’m making sauce

Looking at myself in the mirror asking myself..Are you mad at me?

Pretty sure my brain chemistry is just plastic test tubes and food coloring.

I’ve been an unwilling participant in this thing called the morning again

I was going to eat the entire burrito, but fell asleep halfway through.

Saturn without its rings asking everything what it really thinks about Saturn and you still pretend to laugh at all my witty gazes in the planetarium

Sometimes it sits with me and sets down its drink that an illusion would get up and leave without this furniture. We believe in each other we're comfortable, as long as I vacuum right through reality's slippers

I don't think it's actually possible to be mean while talking into a hot dog phone.

please don’t touch me while I’m eating cake

I have resting radical new theory face