If you're okay with any of this fucking unfollow me now

Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void

My horoscope told me to cry myself to sleep

I am starting to cherish my lack of sleep

I’m at the age where thinking about disco gives me heartburn

Panicking to the martini bar essentials playlist

I do enjoy a brandy snifter of Fritos after dinner

The haunting that you fear is just me in the corner in front of the fan, swaying from side to side, creaking like a birch tree in the wind.

I don't remember the last time someone checked on me to make sure I didn't need to be turned.

Looks like 3:30am is peak time to post on here.

Here I am, practicing my smile before work. I’m telling myself, “you can do this!” This has been part of my routine lately.

Auxiliary is cute name for baby

A whirlwind of calamities feeling like the evening of the world has arrived.

I was today years old when I learned you can send your enemies a can of green beans via a special button on your bank’s pneumatic tube system

It’s all so stupid. Stupid people being stupid. Stupid.

"Your laugh is like a sunset," I say right before I nail gun my hand to the frame of a revolving door

I didn’t not respond. It just got lost among the open tabs in my brain.

The vibe I bring to a party is not present.

I should really get more sleep, I think in the morning but ignore at night.

Someone tell that cat to use her indoor voice.

Where in the world is ripened avocado?

Certified Financial Professional National Championship?

More positive subtle expressions, even if it's only a raised eyebrow under a pair of black framed glasses after someone has already passed by. Shared humanity can add up. Or not, which we would probably prefer. But we share that.

I went into the Tron world once, they had me pedal my 10 speed undetected inside their version of Mordor

Looking for a medicine that will give me side-eye effects

the best thing about buying new hand weights is walking out of the store doing some curls

Toeless socks can help you meet your toenail growing goals.

me: I'm going to get up and walk over there random piece of knee cartilage floating around in my left knee: no the fuck you will not

old hubcaps used to be a love language

Where did the week go? I want to know what part of hell it came from.

it's like bringing a solemn finger wag to an extinction level event

i’m out of my mind, please leave a message

Imagine being able to say the right thing at the right time.

Shout out to the restaurants that put the pancakes on a separate plate so the syrup doesn't touch my eggs & whatnot.

I'll cancel plans just to be alone.

Who knows I might become a vest person

Sometimes all you can do is try not to be the chip on your own shoulder

If I was in the mystic aisle I'd just get blue aura for soothing but this is a baking aisle so it's going to be a food coloring reset

History’s sock drawer.

Toothpaste, but for your brain.

this soup will give me the energy I need to *falls asleep standing like a horse

Like crows pecking through your garbage cans, these are the days of our lives

I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals

It should cost money to send people videos that are longer than 30 seconds

I woke up this morning and my hair made me look like a Temu version of Wolverine.

Hard-boiled can describe eggs or detective novels.

Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High

If you’re walking a mile in my shoes head straight into the ocean

There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.

living in this country is like being awake on the table