*Me, watching a movie in which a torch appears out of nowhere* "Oh look, somebody just got back from the torch store."

Can't say why, but I feel like if an otter (river) played a musical instrument, it would be an accordion.

I dunno but I think a bologna and cheese sandwich with crushed doritos on it might fix a few of us

Ok: fill the pool with zooplankton to eat the algae then import a couple dozen humpbacks to eat the zooplankton do I have to think of everything?

I’d let you take a Bomb Pop from my freezer

My tiny insect friend is named Gnat, which is short for Gnatthew

well look at that another day has passed isn't life just wonderf- *walks straight into a wall*

I’d rather listen to the key cutting machine at Lowe’s than fingernails tapping against anything in a video.

my favorite facial expression is ‘unprecedented disaster’

patient needs music, stat

One thing I notice that people don't like is when I post.

If you walk away for long enough, people will have the conversation for you.

And a Flaming Hot Cheeto drink for the lady?

Everything we’ve ever loved & lost are waiting for us in a Sunset. That’s why they feel magnetic duh

"do you have any hobbies?" uh yeah it's called my rich inner life, brother

*arranging my fish sticks into a Lincoln log-style cabin with a tartar sauce moat

Not sleeping as a personality.

My dentist's office finally put in a drive-thru window. It's about time.

i eat all my meals over the sink or on public transportation or in a strangers attic

everything i needed to know i learned while making mistakes

Commenting "this is grotesque" on every post in my linkedin feed

Sometimes I like to have a cookie as a sort of breakfast appetizer

Starting to suspect I've acquired a cursed artifact or two

When someone ignores me, I totally agree

Some things are better left screamed into an open field

Just broke my hair clip and now have seven years of bad hairdos

Twizzler sounds like a Batman villain.

It feels like sleeping in hot soup.

I placed the call but at the end of it I said "Thanks for the call."

If you want you can give things your own names like long sleeve socks or deep dish bed sheets.

Establish dominance at your Monday morning meeting by being the one who sobs the longest

Lemme just say—you’re not truly a mallrat until youve kissed your lover between Frank Sinatra’s mug shot & Bob Marley tokin a joint inside a Sam Goody’s poster display rack for privacy

i don’t like going to the barber but there are so few avenues to get a grown man to spin me around in a chair a little

We are all in this together. Like hostages.

Protect your peace without apologizing for it.

Smooth understanders just get me every time or at least they "hey baby you make sense" that they do

Yes I love you, but I also love moss piglets

Singing "The Wheels on the Bus" at the top of my lungs even though I don't know the words.

Just sitting outside with my bird identifier app getting ready to fuck some shit up

me: i had a dream that i said to my toilet lid “we’re both wearing tank tops lol i should post this” & then my toilet bowl said to me “no . don’t post it. it’s not funny. it’s gonna tank oh haha post this” my gynecologist: what

When I hear a Gordon Lightfoot song, I am barefoot in the soft sand, my sideburns dancing in a gentle breeze as I watch a marmalade sunset through the haze of Benson & Hedges smoke

Imagine asking people to rewind in this day and age

Explain it to me like you're not sure what you're talking about

Sorry, can't talk rn, too busy raging against the dying of the light

she was aloof, hard to decipher, no one really knew what interested her Pinterest:

added some pasta water to my skincare routine

[trying to sleep] brain: how far could we throw a mini cupcake

remember when Morrissey sang “please please please shut up about your overnight oats”

My son asked my daughter to check on his pizza so she opened the oven door and said, “how ya doing in there?”

how many calories does rigorous analysis burn