Im here you fuckass bitch

ME: honey, Bob is coming over WIFE: Bob who yodels normally or Bob who yodels anally [there’s a yodel at the door] ME: *rubbing hands together* let’s find out

I don't drink anymore, but I will admit to a pretty heavy red Powerade problem.

hey you remember how Chester cheetah used to shake his head really fast and go aieeaiieeeaieee if he ever does that again. shoot him

Ordering a burrito “Estupido Style” and refusing to elaborate

Now I got to be embarrassed of the blue tint on all my glasses? I wish I was a bat.

Sorry I talked about file structure in a monotone for ten minutes. I was hungry.

I thought about kissing my dentist's fingers and I laughed so hard she stopped because she thought I was writhing in pain

Anything that is a web-based free service *cough gsuite *cough can be taken away from you at any *cough gdoc *cough gmail *cough gsheet *cough time

You see this, post a concert pic you took

my boss sure does want to bone AI

keep chill, guys. They're probably just rapturing us cell by cell.

I keep Mastodon just so I can maybe talk to Cory Doctorow

Genuinely powerful words to live by.

If Tylenol actually caused autism this chart wouldn't exist because everyone would have it memorized.

Ready for the saxophone to make its musical comeback

You hate us, but we'll be feeding your dogs after you're raptured.

Getting some sweet deals on Hummel figurines because of this rapture business

It has come to my attention that I'm my best social self online. This is the best of me, folks.

@handyginger.bsky.social you are doing really good work here. Thank you for your service.

Stop giving dickwads your money. No money for dickwads.

Back in the nineteen hundreds chia was for entertainment purposes only.

How are we gonna attract advertisers to our social media platform if it's just a bunch of people yearning to be free?

Waiting patiently while my daughter's boyfriend Googles "do vaccines cause autism" after I told him no the fuck they don't.

If you wanted to get away with anything, this is the FBI for that.

Temu civil war

i dunno. maybe i will have burger king about it

You're probably not ready to hear this, but if you have anything precious and irreplaceable in a Google Doc, you should probably also save it in a .txt file.

Good news is I found a bag of pills in the parking lot, bad news is it's cold liver oil

May I propose a skydaddy /earth baby scenario so you can feel ooey gooey about after you die? It won't cause any problems at all with your fellow man

Ty

a big day for mountain time zone.

You're not ready to hear this, but your "Readme"s should be saved as .txt files and not gdoc files.

Somebody do the bravest thing.

Feels like a threat

Woah babe you're exhibiting signs of Emotional Dysregulation, do you need to spend some time on Skull Island?

It's just over there. No, just a bit further. Keep going. Happy to help.

How to handle masked ICE agents who won’t identify themselves.

Eugenics Wars> WWIII> Post Atomic Horror .... Warp Drive> First Contact> Post Scarcity Society

Raising my boys as lesbians 💫

Your last saved pic is your moral Philosophy

why aren't any of the male loneliness epidemic victims dating my cousin Jessica.

it took this many years to 100% identify with a tv character.

Old twitter was so fun around the full moon, I’ll never forget it tbh.

I haven't gone through the E-Waste dumpster at my work in months. That's how I know I am healing

Don’t flirt with me I’m in my 40’s and that shit is like crack to me.

I may be sad but I'm not animated Ai wife sad