All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey plays as the camera pans to me fist fighting my neighbour's inflatable Santa, drunk, in my underwear.

THE “PAUL MCCARTNEY/MARIAH CAREY/WHAM” LOOP WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES

Reality...2 big thumbs down

Why doesn't adult cereal have prizes? It should at least come with something to read while you're feeling the effects of all that fiber.

Ah yes, another bout with existence.

son is playing Fortnite by himself and in the last two minutes I've heard him say both "karma's a bitch!" and "i'm in danger!" in the Ralph Wiggum voice

You are not fully developed at 25. You are fully developed when the lyrics to “Against the Wind” make sense to you.

*seizes the day* *looks at the news* *gives the day back*

hey I’m not just sitting here doing nothing i’m grinding down my teeth

searching pornhub for "laying in bed on our phones all morning until one of us caves and makes coffee"

It’s another case of the “I’d rather be playing with babies and singing all day instead of dealing with capitalism” flu

They should’ve called them Treese’s

Glad I learned how to conserve water in elementary school so AI can suggest glue as a pizza topping

Missing the days of “Insert disk 5 of 12 to continue install.”

If a door closes, find a duck named Jean-Claude and run away with him.

Please don’t make me go back to work. I just got the butt-groove back in my favorite bathroom stall toilet seat.

children should be allowed to swear as early as possible

whenever I hear a dog bark my first thought is always, "yeah, you got a point"

If I'm not supposed to eat the handcrafted soaps, stop making them look delicious

none of the ai slop commercials these companies churn out will have even one-tenth of the cultural impact as the folgers incest commercial and i think that's beautiful

I used to drive people nuts with the difference between “camel” (🐫, two humps) and “dromedary” (🐪, one hump) when I was a kid. If they had known about Autism in my little hometown when I was growing up, I would have been the poster child.

SKULL OF THOMAS AQUINAS: TAKE A LEFT NOW PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going— SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti— SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE

two wrongs don't make a right. you're thinking of dogs. two dogs make a right

I love playing idle/incremental games, particularly when I can automate them and just watch the numbers go up. My current favorite is Employee Vacation Time.

Now it’s Jay and the Americans, “Come A Little Bit Closer,” from 1964. Who the heck keeps requesting my parents’ music?

So I guess along with our pronouns (He/Him) we should name our fonts (Bold Antifa)

Jimmy Fallon would host the Hunger Games.

I've been reviewing my daughter's sight words with flash cards and she's semi verbal autistic and I'm asking her to use "when" in a sentence so she's like "when can I stab him?" and all I can say is you shouldn't stab people sweetie let me or your brothers know if you have an asshole needs attention

An escape room but it's trying to change a duvet cover when you're high

Someone said I don’t post enough but I don’t have enough thoughts to truly be a poster

*first day in Hell* Me: I was told there was a special place for me here.

My vision of a holiday elf is different from yours.

Being an adult is mostly a drag but sometimes you can choose to have freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner

My mood lately. (I might make into a sticker if y'all want?)

MORPHEUS: They're coming for you, Neo. I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say. Take the elevator to the lobby and go to the CVS across the street. Purchase 5 Steam gift cards at $200 each. Scratch off the protective coating on the back and tell me the fifteen digit redemption codes. Hurry

Why name it “condom” when “gobstopper” was right there

if I had a talk show and had each of you guys on there to discuss some things, THEN we would see some shit I can assure you

I’m sorry you watched me excitedly facefuck a McRib and fell in love

the muppets take alcatraz

instead of a white elephant gift, we should do black sheep gifts where you steal the best gift under $100

A lot of you blocked my friend for bravely coming forward about Beefhurt Cretin. He was just arrested once again for domestic violence against another woman. Beat the shit out of her in front of her 4 kids AND keeps harassing my friend. If you defend this guy, youre just as much a POS as he is

(at chain discount department store) Can you help me? I dunno, there are new neighbors and they put up a gay snowman and I need a larger, even more gay snowman.

Checked my calendar for tomorrow and unfortunately there is a day there

you’re never going to believe this. the woke left’s depraved war on christmas is escalating. sources tell me they’re planning to make the yuletide gay

me: *searches to see if anyone has done this post before* oh

We do not play any kind of Elf On The Shelf games at River Side Casino. If you see an elf watching you, get the fuck out of there!

ME: “I’d give my left testicle to have my dad’s parents restored to life and health.” PRIEST: “Uh, this is a confessional.” ME: “I know, and I’m telling you my Christmas list so you can tell YOUR guy I don’t want much this year, AND I’ve been good.”

Looking out into the world, I say softly, "But mom, I don't want to go to school today."