not bsky not mastodon but a secret third thing (cake)

I admit it: I like the smell of Palmolive, and I deliberately wash my dishes with more soap than necessary, just so I can smell it more.

The Legendary Mrs. Ford™️ is making the outside of Club Swank look spook-tacular, kids. I’ll post pictures when it’s all done and ready!

wife: why are you peeing sitting? me: *stops, stands, proceeds to pee standing, not one drop lands in toilet*

@piatpod.bsky.social - if they ever renew their vows.

Me: when is it ever going to cool down Mother Nature: lol, you idiots broke the thermostat

my mom didn’t take tylenol when she was pregnant with me so I guess i’m just like this?????

she was hot and scary like a volcano or a peloton instructor

If you’re in Illinois and you’re disturbed by the images that you’re seeing of the Illinois State Police in Broadview this morning, please call now. It will honestly take 30 seconds. I spoke to a real person. Here are the phone numbers: 312-814-2121 312-814-2122 217-782-6830 217-782-6831

your honor, I believe it was Hoobastank who first said, “I’m not a perfect person”

Will someone please remind me to wake up Billie Joe before I go to bed tonight?

If any other president in all of history said the military should use American cities as a training ground he would be removed from office that same day. The hardest thing to tolerate in all this is how relatively silent elected democrats are. It’s ridiculous.

If you were to spend any amount of time in my head I would ask you to not do that as there is barely enough space in there for my brain as it is

Me: I can taste and smell letters. Her: You have synesthesia? Me: No, I’m eating alphabet soup.

I wish that real-life rooms were like Zelda dungeon rooms, in that when you get all the objects in the room oriented correctly, the room would play a “you solved the puzzle” sound.

things have gotten so bad that even the Care Bears have run out of fucks to give

im here you fuckaas biich

Humans, like a lot of other animals, work on Operant Conditioning (e.g., Pavlov). Under Capitalism, we reward “savvy” business practices. Shaving costs? Firing people? Using slightly sub-quality materials? That’s just “smart business.”

@donfordvoice.bsky.social really enjoyed your Patrick Warburton voice on BPT this month

IRONY, n., getting more free company-branded swag from a conference than from getting hired by said company.

As an extremely minor Internet/podcast celebrity, I’m currently waiting for my invitation to being on the 40th season of “Dancing With the Stars.”

Continuing my trend of being horrible at self-promotion (but quicker), I was featured again this week! Listen! audioboom.com/posts/878217...

The Legendary Mrs. Ford™️ has more sympathy for our pets than she does me.

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

shit. I failed the RAPTCHA test and got left behind.

This day in history. 1823. The angel Moroni revealed a golden book written in Egyptian hieroglyphics to Mormon founder Joseph Smith. You can't make this stuff up but Smith could.

Next week we'll be told frosted pop tarts cause femboys

joining the war on autism on the side of autism

If you think Tylenol is bad for children’s health what until you see what guns do.

But does Tylenol PM cause Night Autism?

I have taken the Tylenol that was in the medicine cabinet and which they think probably is the reason you like trains forgive me but that’s bullshit you got autism from your dad

Sure, we can do it you're way. But, its dumb.

bro do you even remember the 21st night of September

I think I’m taking a social media break. With all that’s happening, I can’t even cope.

Dammit that’s it in my next life I’m coming back as a wine mom

if Jimmy Kimmel's political humor is too hot for you to handle, I'm not sure "snowflake" even cuts it as a term of derision for the level of fragility you've achieved

@msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social is another year older! Thankfully, none the wiser. Just kidding! Amy is a phenomenal voice in these times, and she makes me feel better with her words all the time. I hope my words can make her feel half as appreciated as hers make me feel.

Uncle Don’s High Thought: We currently have the means to make as much endless supply of ice cream* for everyone in the world, but we choose to let some dipshits squeeze us. Our African, Roman, or Chinese ancestors would slap the crap out of us for wasting this power. __ *(or equivalent)

this preview leaves out the funniest part

I wanna know my stats after I die. How many people crushed on me? How many beers did I drink, total? How many hotdogs did I consume between my birth and my death??

Why is it a “hemi”sphere, but a “semi”circle?

I've never wished violence on Charlie Kirk. Who do you think I am, Charlie Kirk?

this (from the brilliant @everywhereist.bsky.social) puts into words the big black tangle of frustration i have whenever i get the same question

Kash Patel is the Mr. Magoo of J. Edgar Hoovers.

When someone asks how I'm doing

Find someone who looks at you the way my friends and I used to look at new scratch ‘n sniff stickers.

Who...don't care. Where...doesn't matter. When...not going.