Telling my kids "it's set in the retro 90s" to get them to watch movies I liked as a child

I told my lichenometrist friend I was going through a tough time and he said I should “lichen up.” He then apologized and said it's the only joke they teach at lichen college.

12 Days of Christmas is a song about someone who absolutely is nailing it at gift-giving to someone with a special interest in ornithology

Tortugula was not interested in being around the other turtle at the moment so she's just been calmly chilling on my chest. I usually try to take a distant "let them be turtles" approach so I'm pleasantly surprised that she's being, well, cuddly by turtle standards

a grinch is the offspring of a who and a sneetch. and like a mule, is genetically sterile

Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.

Just set my email autoreply to the word DON'T in 72pt bold caps

one of my most popular designs

Need a last-minute gift? Go pick up a Mogwai.

Buddy, I like all the genders, even the evil one

Not now, haunted Victorian shoes

If you want to get Unbelievable History: Completely Debunked Edition through a video game website instead of Amazon, I made that possible geekysteven.itch.io/...

No one asked but "The Offspring" is the perfect Star Trek episode. It's goofy, it's serious, it's schmaltzy in the extreme

Big news for music fans: You can use the 'volume' button to increase the amount of music there is

before i became a parent, i had no idea what you’re supposed to use baby oil for, like for baby body building competitions or something? after having kids, i now know, yeah it’s for the baby body building competitions.

I'm happy for everyone getting into Heated Rivalry but you gotta understand they're only so much sports media I can put in my brain before it starts pushing out important Star Trek trivia

Fozzie Bear should have a brother who is also a comedian, but has more of a Steven Wright delivery

They spent so much time angry at businesses for saying "Happy Holidays" they forgot that the spirit of the season is about being angry at family

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

My daughter: what if Santa is autistic and has a precise order he wants to deliver the toys in and gets pissed off if someone moves

If my first exposure to a picture of Erika Kirk wearing a Liberace outfit and surrounded by pyrotechnics were a conservative complaining about it as a tasteless Photoshop by the left, I'd be inclined to agree. That's just too far, man

Trump supporters believe that the left has been embarrassed by Bill Clinton’s association with Epstein because they can no longer conceive of politics being about the role of government versus worshipping politicians like gods

if i give you my heart, and then you give it away, does that mean i am now in love with the person you gave it too? or is this a polycule situation

Oh no, my Smart Glory Hole just sent me my Wrapped report

Almost feel sorry for people who've always had their shit together and will never experience the surprise and delight of getting their shit together.

Bari Weiss won’t hear your remarks about how she’s nothing but DOG SHIT, but your dog’s asshole might hear you , and you don’t want to hurt your dog’s asshole’s feelings for comparing DOG SHIT to Bari Weiss

Little drummer boy: *drum solo* Mary, having just given birth: great

*gives you a fist bump and a star sticker after sex

ttrpg where you can clip out of bounds

I really hope Greta Thunberg gambles on sporting events cause she bet hard against this loser years ago

you're called Al Jazeera, not AI Jazeera

People act like rejecting the gender binary is some new trend like people in the 80s weren't building a set of shoulder pads that could reach into heaven and poke God in the eye

aw! isn't that swell!

Never been overblown, sounds like an experience to have mixed feelings about

The more I learn about it, the more absolutely fucking staggering it is that we never learned about the Irish war of independence at school. I know that "bloody hell, the behaviour of Britain" is a common refrain, but bloody HELL the behaviour of Britain.

The quality of his YouTube videos has improved dramatically recently

My wife couldn't remember Benedict Cumberbatch's name and called him "scumbly numfkins" and I'm sorry but that's his name now

Somebody said the U.S. has big “dying mall” energy right now and I can’t stop thinking about his accurate that feels

I've seen Pikachu more times than I've seen Jesus. Jesus isn't even in my top 10 pokemon

Jake Paul is the ChatGPT boxer

Beef up your charisma stats by calling people "big dog" now and again. People like being called big dog.

Looks like Bondi had the identities of perpetrators redacted so now our only recourse is to... *checks notes* ...listen to the actual victims?