Unfortunately, the Chicago Planet doesn't have a Stargate, so we're going to have to use their Cloud Gate.

When I forget to pretend to be a normie at work

Disappointed to announce I didn't make the "30 Under 30" list for the 25th year in a row

You can get Unbelievable History: Completely Debunked Edition for your assorted book reading devices www.smashwords.com/b...

I am going to a museum later and I am going to read every placard and be the best visitor the museum has ever had. No one is better at museum than me.

2nd grade boys discussing what the biggest dinosaurs were

“ok yay” is a way of life

neeaarrrrr faaaarrrrrrrrrr dude where’s my carrrrrrr

Americans think British people are wimps for complaining about the heat. But what you don't realise is that most British houses were actually built in Britain, a cursed island that hates us.

They don't say this explicitly in Project Hail Mary, but when the astrophages eat the sun it tastes bright and hot, like Takis

My signature sex move is chasing off everyone who’s ever cared about me.

My hot take is that people should not slap Wesley

Chrono Trigger (1995): Removing a tick proves more complicated than expected.

Reverse cowgirl so I can Irish goodbye without it being awkward

if i were the reporter at the hindenburg, instead of the famous quote “oh, the humanity!,” it would have been “yowzers! whoopsy daisy, ouchy! yikes!”

push ups? yeah i love push ups- pushin' UPS worker wages up in the next union contract negotiations

me: meet me in the country that makes traditional roof sealant them: what, in tar nation?

Hi, art historian here. You may not have known this, but true artistry in Michalengelo's David were the dicks he didn't sculpt

'i was chased off this web site by an angry mob' oh did the internet users physically pursue you? did they have pitchforks and torches? did they yell 'monster?' no? then stop appropriating frankenstein experience

Fearmongering about China is fun 'cause whatever they get accused of doing is always something the U.S. already does in an even more dystopian manner.

I’m celebrating Memorial Day by practicing my mnemonic devices.

Fun Fact #11 billionaires are mortal beings who can die like everyone else!

knight fish, defender of the coral reefs

Tits or ass? Bro, her overwhelmingly threatening aura

If you're a Starfleet doctor it's probably annoying to try stop an alien from bleeding and it turns out that was just one of their reproductive fluids

"Who is this clown?" I asked before being fired on my first day of work as a clown identifier

I'm suspicious of any version of "feminism" that thinks having a penis makes you better than women at everything

Actually your boyfriend is only "Jason" if he's from the Jason region of Greece, otherwise he's just a sparkling argonaut

I don't use condoms with spermicide in them. Instead, I use a cup and a piece of paper to gently capture the sperm and release it outside

"Ever reminisce about the one who got away?" The other FBI agents on the task force: ...

"Bob the Builder" sounds like a vaguely threatening mobster alias.

The best way to get a blow job is to invent time travel so that grateful people will turn up at your time-space coordinates to thank you for the invention.

Phalanges! Get some phalanges! Crunchy, bite sized phalanges! Great in soup!

All beer bottles are twist-off if you don't care about tearing the flesh from your hands.