Installing point of use hot water heaters is a tankless job

Not trying to armchair quarterback this, but if the riddle is "what do I have in my pockets" you can cheese the riddlemaster by just saying "lint."

Scent is so deeply tied to memory. What smell immediately takes you back to your childhood? For me it's gas leaks.

"Steve, what would you do if they let you make a Star Trek show?" I would do an episode of SNW where Spock enters the bridge wearing a skant uniform and knee-high boots, stops dead center in the frame, turns directly to camera, puts up his middle finger and holds it for a full minute.

they should create a type of government that benefits citizens

me: i don’t get it. they keep reposting my reposts of other ppl’s posts & they’re not even hearting my posts my gynecologist: what

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

If you're lamenting that you've lost friends over politics, 9 times out of 10 it means your politics are shit.

If we had more than one Mack, the return of a single Mack wouldn't have been such a disruptive event.

My "objectivism is not a cult" shirt is raising a lot of questions already answered by the shirt. Unbelievable History: www.lulu.com/shop/st...

I don't have a type per se, but I don't date people who look like they got pardoned for storming the Capitol.

In a world of changing values, one piece of advice remains constant:

I used to be mad about Chewie not getting a medal, but now I'm just annoyed that they held a big medal ceremony at all when they should be spending their medal budget on blasters.

My controversial Stargate opinion is that Richard Dean Anderson should have been given a new character to play instead of being a recast of Kurt Russell. That's basically what happened anyway, but it's really jarring when you watch the movie and you're like who's this boring guy, where's MacGyver

If I were a bus driver I would 100% make the doors chomp on people and be like “oh my gosh I’m so sorry he’s just really hungry right now” and then chomp on them again and then get fired

Working on a new art series. This one is called "Morning in America"

Arby’s Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment https://theonion.com/arbys-reclassifies-their-food-as-entertainment/

George Washington is spinning in his grave right now, but only because all corpses do that when nobody is looking

EVERYONE: what are you doing with your life ME: [with the utmost confidence] regretting it

Jesus wasn't a very good carpenter. Did you see how he got himself nailed to a tree? Rookie mistake.

My massage therapist: what areas do you want me to focus on today? Me: My neck, my back... *intense eye contact*

I'm gonna make breakfast burritos every day, but for dinner because I'm a rebel and you can't stop me

Growing up my mom smothered me. And my dad sfathered me.

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

LOGGING ON

Me: And also do you think when Folsom Prison is at max capacity they call it ‘Fullsom’? My kidnapper: *crying* Please just go home.

What manner of creature is this 'pope'? What are its weaknesses?

me as a hype man: GET YOUR DAMN HAMS UP!

tfw you wake up and immediately chug cold sporkle wator:

"don't get any on you" is my favorite way to say goodbye. it alludes to all the literal and metaphorical fecal matter awaiting you everywhere in the outside world

Vermont was an independent nation for longer than Texas or the Confederacy, and they aren’t a bunch of whiners about it.

Ah yes, testosterone gel. Or as I like to call it, leave-in boisturizer.

People in the zombie media often don't have a previously understood concept of zombies before the outbreak. Why has no horror movie done this with Capitalism yet?

jo nesbo really created a detective named harry hole and we let that happen

Here’s how breathing in gas fumes for a month made me double in size and strength..

the Catbus Promise™

WALTER CRONKITE (gravely):

the animorphs transition but it’s just me morphing from standing to sitting

ME: the opposite of antibiotic is unclebiotic PHARMACIST: the opposite of probiotic is amateurbiotic *we kiss*

smuggling plums in my plum smuggling shorts

Me: Make it so everytime I get into a fight an awesome metal song will start playing Genie: Ok *lives a long and peaceful life*