"I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man." These are the last words of Che Guevara, what he meant was you can't kill the idea or spirit of revolution. Sharks, I am looking for partial investment in a weapon that can destroy a man's ideas

Oreos kill more people than they save

Drinking water from the dehumidifier probably has the same taste as drinking from a Stillsuit from Dune.

i can tell when tv shows use artificial cat meows because my cats are fluent and they roll their eyes

Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani https://theonion.com/fact-checking-claims-about-zohran-mamdani/

A modern Assassin's Creed game where after you jump from the top of a building to take out an evil warlord, someone accuses you of doing it for clout

Before caffeine I'm not funny. After caffeine, I'm also not funny, but I'm more anxious about it

My sleep doctor says the underlying cause of my snoring is either a demon or a poltergeist and the entity grows more fearsome each day

An RPG where your character can use Time magic and when you use it, it only restores your HP

Maybe that little monkey can't make any friends because he's an asshole, did we consider that

i see many of you are posting about the differences between various text based social media platforms. might i interest you in eating ten marshmallows instead

I am not a silly goose. I am a serious swan. Let the court’s record reflect I am a serious swan.

I wanna see if Tom Cruise can carry a movie called "No Running," where a light jog is the fastest he's allowed to go

wonder what nerves taste like. Black licorice? Probably not. But I'm gonna think that until I find out otherwise.

I hate how hard the world makes it to buy from companies outside the BDE list. If you wanna buy anything now, every single link is Amazon. And if you want to avoid Amazon? Then it's Walmart. Not Walmart? Home Depot. LET ME BUY A BATH PILLOW THAT DOESN'T FUND GENOCIDE!!!!

Another day, another billion with a b dollars to Peter Thiel's Palantir out of our own fucking goddamned pockets in exchange for being hunted and surveilled by our own fucking goddamned government

No no I only read wikifeet for the articles

Bone Temple? That's what they called my dorm room, just kidding, actually I tried to maintain a long distance relationship throughout college and it was very painful

All state nicknames work as Sonic levels. Big Sky Zone, Beehive Zone, Show-me Zone

[flirting in the drive-thru] now, mcflurry. is that irish?

(sea monster bio) You've probably seen my writhing in The Atlantic

Everybody knows that if you put a sleeping person's hand in warm water it can make them wet the bed, but if you dip their fingers into a béchamel sauce they might make you just the most exquisite little soufflé.

Most of the animals you should avoid have some kind of warning signal like a rattle, distinctive markings, or they say "I'm a hugger" at company meetings

The reason we call the current far-right movement "Nazis" is cause they didn't bother to update their agenda

Me getting a taste of my own medicine: Hehe hoho delicious medicine for me

*about to scream into The Void* Void: Actually I'm just "Void." "The Void" was my father's name haha

Me: I don’t care if I die up here, Jeff. I’m not leaving you [5 minutes later] *riding Jeff's frozen body down the mountain like a human sled*

I hate when products say "enjoy" at the end of their instructions. Don't tell me what to do, Metamucil

ok here's what we know so far: -

This is how I look when I'm doting over a cat

My daughter puts a ring on her necklace. Me: hehe just don't cast it into the fires of Mount Doom My daughter: I'll cast into the mountain dew if I want!

do you think shitposters have souls (other than the ones they've clearly stolen)

we're going to try reversing the cowgirl polarity (geordi laforge voice)

The trick with Star Trek is that it is wonderful when it’s inadvertently goofy and ridiculous and the absolute worst thing you’ve ever seen when it’s attempting to be goofy and ridiculous

why did they make a Voyager video game in 2026? because Voyager is the best Trek, next question.

One time I was at a party and Joan Jett was there. I could tell right away that the theme of the party was Don’t Make A Big Deal Out Of Joan Jett Being Here. I honored the theme but secretly knew it was a big deal that Joan Jett was there.

It's gotta be stressful for alien chefs cooking for humans cause we add rocks and various poisons to our food for fun

Every time a Conservative switches to Liberal, Pierre Poilievre inches closer and closer to leaving politics to become a professional sub in a bondage video. Hi. This is a post about Canadian politics and pornography. Follow me for more witty insights.

got out one of my Spring jackets today and guess what i found in the pocket? the city of atlantis

when replying on bluesky, remember that any word in the original post can be used as a springboard for incoherent free association

(tired, over-caffeinated, scrolling, miserable, inside) But if I changed all my bad habits would I still be me?

man they are making us look like shit. we need to put peter thiel in a supermax or something

Kurt Cobain was so wrong btw, it's actually more dangerous with the lights out, I stubbed my toe in the dark yesterday (ouch)

the olympics but with green slime instead of dignity

playing an epic prank on my surgeon by not waking up after my procedure

forgot to close the bread. kitchen crawling with geese