Can I be like a merchant or a tree

"I'm sick of seeing your posts" I'm literally an optional side quest

Authors often refer to the characters they're writing like they're real people that they have conversations with. I do the same thing, but the characters owe me money

*turning to my s/o* Change of plans, I have to post all day

i’m assembling a team of nine trusty sweatshirts to ride out the apocalypse in casual comfort and protection from all things

job interviews can be stressful. "why do you want to work for us?" "where do you see yourself in five years?" "where did you dump the body?"

We do too have a Mitch McConnell, but unfortunately you can’t meet him. He goes to school in Canada.

There’s a normal way to ask this question, you know.

I wonder if this glut of dying senators is related to the fact that the average age for the position is seventy eleven billion

Bluesky isn't dead. I talked with it for 20 minutes earlier.

Jes'ka Flt'chur: Honor She Wrote

I'm holding off on buying a Switch 2 just in case Sega releases another add-on console for the Genesis

The last permissible prejudice in these days of “woke” is expecting our elected politicians to be alive.

Your first day on the job working the old-timey newspaper, you go up to the guy with the biggest typewriter in there and you knock him on his ass.

All that any of us really want from life is a magnificent golden throne that walks around on mechanical crab legs

Can’t. I’m busy clenching my jaw so tightly I could form a diamond from the pressure.

What's your favorite song about never gonna give you up never gonna let you down never gonna run around and desert you

‘drums…drums in the deep…’ gandalf mused with a soft drag on his pipe. just then, as if he’d summoned it, we all heard the sound. no…could it be? surely the goblins weren’t blasting the 2003 cut of Dopesmoker

[imagining Digital Eclipse being given all the time and money they need to do a collection of the 90s Maxis 'Sim' games] oh god why did i imagine this. now i'm going to be mad i don't have it

bob ross could paint starry starry night but vincent van gogh could never be a chia pet

the hoarding market is collapsing is because gen z dragons have this mindset. guys just go to college, get a high paying job in pillaging or princess eating and settle tf down

oh how i pine for the halcyon days of yore, when people still pined & knew what ‘halcyon’ meant 😬

ever since i learnt what a hennin is (literally fifteen minutes ago), i've wanted to make one for my jester persona

another day of responding to painful stimuli while mitch mcconnell doesn’t have to

Film bros freak out when you break into their house and trash the place

The secret of eternal youth is still laughing at the word gubernatorial

Girl are you a microwave because I have no idea which one of your buttons I just pushed, and now I can’t undo it and I'm scared.

“Verify your age” motherfucker it’s on Wikipedia

this endless dystopian hellscape is filmed before a live studio audience

me: hi, yes. i was just wondering why it’s spelled crocodile & not crocodial my gynecologist: what

LEGAL ADVICE: jurispenis

Apologizing to the trash man for not having that much trash this week

Finally realized why Mr. Beast's smile is so familiar. He smiles like the guy on the cover of the Camp Jellyjam Goosebumps book

whatever you do don't sleep in a boxcar, those kids were liars

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone who isn’t a professional wrestler.

Can I come over and stare into your fridge?

Okay but what if goatse never stopped stretching and it just kept getting bigger like a goastemari damacy

Tommy James: my baby does the hanky panky Tommy James's girlfriend: do we have to tell everyone that

Every time fascism increases my hair is just gonna get more blue and I’m gonna talk more about my queer childless cat lady life and how much it rocks

The only problem I have with people mocking Mitch McConnell is that turtles and crows are wonderful creatures and really don't deserve this association.

i don't see why you think your baby is so impressive, he doesn't even get any of my simpsons references