"we'd rather not go back to that" who tf we?

good morning beautiful ppl still hustling for overdue bills and grocery money can a disabled survival sex worker get a boost bitch love you thank you

Every credulous buffoon in Tech Journalism:

To all who celebrate

I keep seeing "Ketamine Queen" in headlines. I'm not the only one reading that in Billy Ocean's voice, am I?

We only work with ethical sweat shop and by that I mean we also harvest the sweat. Don’t waste that shit.

I hate that my B.O. smells like tacos, but it DOES add a nice extra layer of flavor if the taco truck is mid.

Kohlonoscopy Cash. Offer Kohls cash as an incentive to get a colonoscopy.

Wishing you and yours a very merry Confederate Surrender Day.

Why do I care if these mimosas have no ass? 🤷🏼‍♂️

😩😩

your pinned post is the amuse bouche of your account

Kohlonoscopy Cash. Offer Kohls cash as an incentive to get a colonoscopy.

My battle rap line : Talking bout how small my penis be/ You can get this dick intravenously/ Didn’t go off as well as I thought it would. I just want a Taco Bell in my house.

If I’m being honest with myself it was more of a bad riddance.

Twat Plissed

The Hooters is a Verizon. The Five Guys is a T-Mobile. We used to be a proper city.

Is there a Mr. Me With That Shit?

I’m not slap-happy. I’m slap-really fucking upset.

Can’t a guy just own a pocket microscope without it being a source of ridicule for the next 3 days?

*Covered in preworkout powder* “I don’t have a problem.” “I can quit anytime I want.” “It reminds me of my mom. We used to… chug preworkout together?”

I'm quietly hopeful that Avengers: Doomsday is just a Jubilee video with Dr. Doom debating the Marvel heroes.

Not to brag, but I learned all my sex moves from a Bop-It™

Pronouncing zebra like horse.

I can believe no one wished me a happy birthday today 😔 🎉

You don’t hear about cockmeat sandwiches in modern cinema anymore.

Loyal to a Fault but it’s the San Andreas one.

My friend is buying Pokémon cards like scratch offs to pay his mortgage.

Welcome to Hot Ones. Around here it’s a tradition to drink the blood of our enemies.

guys jesus is dead rn do your sins

*we needed this rain voice* sick of this damn rain

The ‘47 on a red Phillies hat seems like a red flag. I got my eye on you Richard.

Them: All jokes aside… Me: Wait , no. Bring them back. I need them!

Steely Dan but it’s Stealy Dan and instead of stealing your heart with music he steals your copper piping.

Pulls out a revolver after the 10th wing. Here at hot ones it’s a little tradition to play Russian roulette *spins chamber* to see if it is truly your last dab.

Goofys girlfriend prolly wears Hyuck me boots.

Dubai style handjobs. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, with pistachios.

Bitch you wasn’t with me crying in the gym

I just rememembered coffee existed and maybe today will be a good day.

when i become mayor your penis will not dissappear inside of your balls whenever you sit down . That will not happen anymore

How does the Joker chemical work? If you just put your arm in do you just get a joker arm? If you dip a leg in do you just get a joker leg? What are the pros and cons of having a joker penis? And why does that sound like a NY Times bestseller? Call my agent.

How am I supposed to go from sitting in work release playing spades with the lawyer who got in trouble for touching his clients when the dude I sold my Cadillac to comes in with his hand wrapped up saying he’s sorry he tried to put it out…

I don’t know why I used to get excited when I got a lot of likes on posts when I was on Twitter and now when I get a lot of likes on Bluesky I’m like AHHH NOOOOO HOW DID THIS HAPPEN 😂

I’m gonna eat Jesus for Easter.

Accepting an invitation to the Bone Zone could be a very fun or a very scary time. But I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Asserting dominance through my nipples

Pam Bondi actually resigned to clear up her schedule so she could be the next 007.

Thanks for asking, Netflix. I’m against it.

Why does the bar being low = easy? Like how the Fuck am I supposed to Limbo under that thing?!