Has no one considered the rapture was actually back on September 10th? Maybe that’s what it looks like.

Whatever happens, just make sure you are using Angel Soft toilet paper. The official toilet paper of the rapture.

I consider myself pretty professional most times at work but then sometimes I derail meetings saying things like “It was just a normal house until it got bit by a warewolf.”

Not with that attitude it won't. Get out there and be the rapture you want to see in the world.

the rapture was just an attempt by Big Erasure to distract us all from visible bisexuals today

omg i love DC 🤣 spotted on the national mall this am

it was the worst of times, it was also the worst of times

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs": Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

this is hilarious to me honestly

Tylenol Durden is this anything

No, I was saying “Rap? Sure!”. Sorry for the misunderstanding wait where are you taking me

Joe Dirt but now he’s Joe Squirt and instead of relentlessly searching for his family he’s relentlessly searching for that g spot.

Checking the news every morning like

omg omg i think im being raptured nope just stood up too quickly oof nvm

@thatdoll.online 🫂 ily i like you i hope you're having a lovely day 😘

If I’m shitting during the rapture do I keep shitting while I’m being pulled up? Or will my shit stay in the same physical location but my body gets pulled up and away from it by the rapture?

Why would you play with the first generation that learned how to pirate media online???

the payoff after walking my ass up the 120 ft incline

If I go somewhere and the workers are hella friendly and chatty, I'll probably never go there again

Some of yall are so freaking beautiful 😍

i like ppl with a lot of trauma who still give a fuck about other ppl

Jared Goff looks like Lin-Manuel Miranda had a baby with Ryan Gosling.

My name is dank and I’d like to say, I’m ready for the rapture in a major way.

If you knock it down your swisha house will be still tipping

apple butter jeans are a different thing entirely

I start my new job in two weeks on October 6. It’s a year-long contract (fully remote) for $180k, which works for me b/c it gets me exactly what I need & allows me to accomplish a helluva lot. Also, a reminder: if you’re a Black software engineer, DM me b/c they’re still recruiting to fill spots.

Tony Hulk would have been an amateur skater, at best.

A lot of people don’t want to admit Charlie Kirk was racist because they would have to admit they are racist too, and that truth cuts deeper than they can handle. I will not mourn a bigot.

That’s a load bearing Paul Wall

we need more wankdown stat

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

Saying a lot of these lately

Playing 8g chess rn

Trump is gonna make us defend jimmy fallon and that may be his worst act yet

Let me be Frank. I’m trying to squeeze in them buns

Girl who rubs Rogaine into your head while you eat her pussy.

39% approval rating? The idea that two out of five Americans are walking around thinking to themselves “this is perfectly fine” is mind blowing to me.

The emotional support black and white filter stays on during sex

Alexander HamilTron is the political scifi thriller American didn’t know it needed .

So now would be a really rad time to ask all of my fellow nerds with hearts of gold - How do we create our own p2p open source internet? For reals.

whenever i see or hear the phrase “ushering the apocalypse” i can’t help but imagine the r&b singer usher destroying the world

I stand with Jimmy Kimmel to show how much taller I am mainly. Him getting fired is pretty fucked up too.

Save a horse, ride a completely different horse.

gotta upgrade to Fridge+

Myspace was the best social media

"This isn't who we are," says nation whose history books are a bunch of redactions

Hire real artists 🎨

Hey girl, are you a lantern fly cuz I’m trying to smash for the good of the country.

motorcycle guys that won’t wave at scooter guys have small penises sorry I don’t make the rules