If I was a deadbeat dad I would at least do it and fun and interesting ways, like telling my son to go long and just never throwing the ball.

It’s sad that a lot of little girls first introduction to magic is their mom making a bloody tampon appear out of nowhere. It’s no wonder more girls aren’t magicians.

New Orleans I am inside you

Hot take : Soap dispenser sensor locations need to stay below the soap dispenser. No switching up the locations. That’s like going to have sex with a girl and them saying “oh, actually my pussy is on my back “

I’ll never forgive the police for taking the word sheriff from what could have been just a fun term for some girls joshing around.

Scooter McGavin but it’s Hooters McGavin and instead of shooting golf balls he’s shooting his shot at a way out-of-his-league waitress

Me at 19 thinking about how much drugs and guns I could hide in a car if I had a secret stash. Me at 39 - imagine all the snacks I can fit in here.

In the end, all it comes down to is finding someone whose crazy is compatible with your crazy— and I pick you guys.

Don't sleep on redheads they got that good cookie, gingersnap

⏰

Hospital<Hoswallowal

Hey Hoss nice piss

Sexting advice please 🥺 Use your thighs as a neck pillow on this direct flight to cumtown Or Use your thighs as a neck pillow on this first class flight to fucktown? Personally I'm a sucker for alliteration

Never skip penis day

Why is the word malicious not something that means both bad and delicious ?

Honestly, I don’t get all the raving about pooping on the clock. Frankly, it’s messy as hell and now I can’t even tell the time.

Since most of the government is old as fuck they are way less likely to listen to the needs of their younger constituents and their governing is actually a form of reverse agism.

Sex so good even the neighbors are complaining 😏 Oh shit! Nevermind I went in the wrong house .

People say you have to workout more to be able to see the veins but my penis has never worked out so maybe I just need to jerk my arms and legs off everyday. And neck.

This is right before Spider-Man fists the Punisher in the asshole. “Who’s the Punisher now ?” He quips, quippingly.

Just turn into a dragon already or whatever

Dragon quest ? More like drag on quest because it drags on so long

Oh yeah, cut you some slack? How bout I just cut you.

I’m not gay but if I did have to suck a dick I would do it in a Chik-fil-A bathroom.

“my nextdoor neighbor beat his wife & kids but made good hotdogs”

People say you have to workout more to be able to see the veins but my penis has never worked out so maybe I just need to jerk my arms and legs off everyday. And neck.

Did you know FINAL FANTASY VI is actually an anagram of FINAL FANTASY IV? Really makes you think

fart lasers

Since most of the government is old as fuck they are way less likely to listen to the needs of their younger constituents and their governing is actually a form of reverse agism.

Sex so good even the neighbors are complaining 😏 Oh shit! Nevermind I went in the wrong house .

MAGAs don't get wrestling in the divorce

Me being introduced to a new project: Oh yah this sounds so simple! Easy! Me starting on the project: oh dear god what in the fuck

Honestly, I don’t get all the raving about pooping on the clock. Frankly, it’s messy as hell and now I can’t even tell the time.

This is right before Spider-Man fists the Punisher in the asshole. “Who’s the Punisher now ?” He quips, quippingly.

Surely Stephen Miller going on TV and showing his face and personality more will dissuade people from thinking he’s an ugly fuck.

Me: "I'll have one slice of the Goth Lasagna, please." Waitress: "Ma'am, that's dark chocolate cake."

My dog just made a biscuit disappear. He's a labracadabrador.

If bet if she was Martina McHusband she wouldn’t have backed out of the show.

I bet the Wright brothers got so much pussy

i love environmental storytelling

Sometimes I sit on my hands until they go numb, then make a sandwich so it feels like someone else made it.

under Woke 2 it will be MANDATORY to greet someone with a gay little kiss on the lips. sorry if this offends you. i don't make the rules; i just kiss 'em as i see 'em.

Title screen Plays: "Halloween 5"

Looking back, if we would have changed the spelling to quaranteen, a lot more republicans would have excitedly hopped on board.

Me, 25 years later. Oh shit it’s drag-on like a dragon ! That’s so cool.

Mayhaps I should post better , well Junehaps you should shut the fuck up.

Every hole is a glory hole when you’re a Christian thanks to the glory of god that surrounds everyt…fuck I’m so close don’t stop.

The sexiest thing someone can do is completely ignore me and keep brushing their hair in the mirror, oblivious to the man outside their window doing surfing motions on a tree branch with a (some would say cool) Hawaiian shirt on.

A political based superhero that was born Cameron Paign that says “your campaign is over “ when he kills the bad guys with a not too aggressively pointed fist.

I’ve done the math and preworkout powder is cheaper and safer than energy drinks *snorts line of preworkout with a boba straw*