I hope the gulags have Xboxes

Smoking in the boys room - my butthole.

Im always saying this

When I joke about my penis I like to say it's 1inch so that way when people actually see it they're like "wow omg it's double the size you said it was!"

Terrifying headline if you don’t realize they are sports teams.

The balls are the ears of the dick

Hey girl, do you like the Beatles? Cuz you'll have beat-holes when we come together.

If it's as fun as it sounds? Well then chief, color me pussified.

Welcome to Bluesky, where all your Mambo #6 jokes come to die

Oh that? That's my dick. I use it for pissin'

If you ever feel like a little bitch, just remember that there are grown ass men that get visibly upset at the mention of Taylor Swift.

Oh yeah? You don't like me?? Well guess what!? I don't either, Fuck you.

the problem with our media environment is that a z-list comic can gain immediate relevance by regurgitating right wing conspiracy theories

Ugh that's fucking disgusting! Aaaaaand, follow .

Sexting advice please 🥺 Use your thighs as a neck pillow on this direct flight to cumtown Or Use your thighs as a neck pillow on this first class flight to fucktown? Personally I'm a sucker for alliteration

Can't wait to use the lyrics: "Squirtin' through her beef curtain"

Maybe I should be mad, but honestly it's kinda cute when my girl has a crush on someone

These two days are going to suck ass.

If you want breaking political commentary before anyone else, here it is. We’re fucked

Stupid minds think alike, too.

Today's kids don't know that he had to do it to em

Crannin' my berries til I sauce on your bitchass

Remember , remember Your heart in a blender

Hey Hoss nice piss

The world's richest man managed to take $190 million away from a *child cancer research center* with his posts yesterday. Funding now stripped in the new bill.

I hate nothing more on this earth than a motherfucking cop

I fuck like I eat. With my pants off

He died as he lived, clicking “Forgot password,” then checking his inbox for a code, then putting in that code, then setting up two-step verification, and then waiting for the text message that doesn’t come, and then calling the 800 number, and then downloading an authenticator app, and dying.

*To power Rangers Theme song* 🎵 Go Down On A Strangerrr 🎵

I created an alt so I can get away with being nicer than on my main account

they should make death cabs for uglies, too.

[30+ notifications] Sweet must have a winner [notifications tab] One guy saying "woooo" 31 times

If you see anyone talking about how the Amazon strike could disrupt the flow of packages:

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s ok to throw away your iPhone box.

Tell your racist family to fuck off for Christmas

My 51st state is embarrassment

my parents told me if you don’t listen to my podcast they’re going to kill me

why's it called mansplaining and not Tool Tips™️

Hospital<Hoswallowal

No man is an island. I did once meet a dude who was an archipelago though. Possibly a lagoon.

If we were actually serious about recycling we would recycle our used condoms at least three times before donating them for balloon animals but nobody wants to have that conversation.

You can rip my dick off as long as you promise to replace it , Jax style, with a cybernetic penis limb.

People aren't debatable, that includes white guys with dreads too right ? Asking for a friend