People aren’t eating enough dirt.

i bet luigi got a big dick

Real cool living in a reality where I have to accept that it is both true, that this was Trump, doing a thing he is well documented in doing before, and not true because it cant be him. Right? The voice isn’t right, ai? A troll? Hes not just trying to disguise his voice? Right? Zombie cat ass world

Good morning little swimmers!

If something is cool you dont have to explain to people that its cool. Thats the only requirement for “cool”. Everything else is a special interest. theres nothing wrong with that, its just not “cool” The garbage blender they are calling AI is not cool. Its “processed entertainment”. Like hot dogs

Buying a big-ass ham will never steer you wrong. A great dinner, awesome lunch meat for days. Probably the best decision you'll make all week

Slim Jims aren’t doing it anymore I need a Fat James

I really need to find an external boogyman to blame all my lifes problems on. I see some of you out there just brimming with confidence that if only you could end all ___ everything would be ok and I’m over here blaming myself for my shit like a dumbass.

Buenos dias fellow gringos!

I have a confession. I never learned how to buttmogg. All those times I claimed to be “totally out buttmogging right now for real” were not in fact, for real. Please respect my family during this trying time.

Thinkin about buying a couple of them eft monkey pogs now that I can get em for a dollar each. Thinkin I might hit up the dollar menu instead tho, kinda hungry. Maybe I’ll get one of them monkeys in a happy meal.

The Hotel California is so dope. I dont know why all the staff talks all emo though. Its kinda harshing my stay. At least theres plenty of drugs here.

By the age of 30 every guy should have: 1. A rusted axe 2. Know voodoo 3. A bitch named bridget 4. A sip of faygo Not many people are gonna get their shit in this mother fucker and die.

Rage against the machine sticker on a cybertruck

In America lots of people think we have a 2 tiered justice system but its actually 3. One for poor people. One for rich people. And one for bad dogs.

Good morning former gifted children

Lately life has been all side quests and no story.

Fried fart maxing and huckleberry mogging

5 so far.

Alf hog maxing

I’m officially blocking anyone that makes me look at shirtless rfk

Thinking about deleting all my posts just to teach you ungrateful bastards some art appreciation.

Hear me out. What if instead of giving a bunch of money to the rich, like we do, or taxing the rich, like some people want, we all go to the hardware store and get chainsaws, then we WE’RE SORRY. WE ARE UNABLE TO COMPLETE THIS SKEET DUE TO LEGAL REASONS.

I hope whoever invented garlic bread had a good life.

Day 2: people are still posting the shirtless kid rock/rfk thing. Do they not know we’ve seen it? That it haunts our nightmares? I fear for my family. For my country. If this is my last journal entry please know that I loved you.

Good morning Bart! It will be your last…

While you were studying the blade I was at parties trying to score. Now I’m really behind and the blade exam is next week. Please, let me copy your answers bro. I didn’t even score bro.

This is one of those moments where I’m struck by how quickly I knew what was being said here. Its insane when you think about it. We aren’t supposed to think like this and thats exactly what I hate the most. What its all done to me. I want to joke about this stuff. Not mean it.

I’m just gonna leave until you all stop making me see shirtless Kid Rock and RFK over and over again.

I sent you my popeye the sailor fanfic please respond

That mf got a dingle dick!

The good lord wont let me get more than 12 likes but every once in a while. He knows I’d become too powerful.

“No no, we have to make the fart noise sound mournful. I want sorrow in that squeaker! DONT YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ART!!!”

When Drowning Pool said “let the bodies hit the floor” I had never wanted anything more in my life.

Stop letting people demand perfect ideological consistency. Its ridiculous to pretend nuance doesn’t exist. As a general rule I’m against book burning. Deeply in fact. Until you hand me a trump bible. Shit happens.

When Savage Garden said “Chica cherry cola” I felt that.

Good morning!

When Keanu was like “where does he fuck?” And the devil was like “everywhere!” I felt that.

Dumpin DougButts

🎵 Penny Lane, is in my rear, and fisting hard 🎶 buh dum buh dum buh dum

Good morning caterdayers!

If democrats are really the “party of science” why don’t they just use it to create a Double Obama and actually win for once?

“Go wokeally go broccoli!” I shout as I drive past the vegan restaurant, confusing everyone inside.

Extremely original idea do not steal: a funny man, who is sad

Its valentines day and boy is my wrist tired!

Live, laugh, LOOK OUT! SHES GOT A KNIFE!!!

No. Figure skating is the type of thing that thrives BECAUSE it is deeply uncool. The less cool it is, the better a job it is doing.

Alright, I’m going to start my valentines day tradition of jorkin it nasty style to each and every one of my followers. Everyone please be patient, I’m an older man this year than ever before but you will all get your turn.

Just told my dog shes “puppy coded and dog pilled” she’s “giving good girl”

Good morning love machines!