In the year 2026, Staples got a baddie. Soon Office Depot had a Baddie of their own. Then it spread beyond office supplies. The Best Buy Baddie created an army of incel gooners and they marched on the forces of the Target Baddie and thus began the Baddie Wars.

Got my 9yr old to read a chapter book by promising him an hour of VR for every 2 chapters he reads and answers questions on. Shout out Goosebumps for doing what its done best since the 90’s.

Every goddamned day we wake to a clusterfuck shitshow in hell because of that piss stain of an orange bastard motherfucking son of a bitch prick & his board of dickhead douchebag motherfuckers

Competition! How many curse words can YOU fit into a single grammatically ok sentence that still makes sense?

A commercial begins to air. A woman labeled Mrs. Potter says “in the past many family names were taken from common jobs” Cut to a man labeled Mr. Miller “you might be a Smith, a Baker, or a Taylor” Cut to a nervous looking man labeled Mr. Dickinson “but it wasn’t always the case!”

Not trying to brag but I am literally the best

When the zombie apologized after I shot it… the feelings that evoked. I didn’t expect the multiple moments of actual art in this game. Things I will ponder for years. I was just expecting spoopy chainsaw fun. Which I’m also getting lol.

Good morning! If we are bringing back war in the middle east the least MickeyD’s can do is hook us up.

I’m calling on FIFA to revoke the peace prize! They must maintain the credibility of this very serious and totally real award and what it stands for.

Maybe we should send Chris Hanson to the white house and just see what happens. Let Chris have an interview. He has relevant experience.

Bad news everyone. Resident Evil 9 is amazing. See you in a month or so.

Sorry guz, turns out I’m a misogynist. Time to cancel me. I’ll start shopping for podcast equipment.

I was really hopeful that Bill would fall on the sword and blow that shit wide open but alas, hes going to “not recall” anything worth saying.

Petty? Yes. She started it tho lol. People who dont think I’m funny havent seen my face.

People just dont admire spunk like they used to.

Good morning passengers!

Randomly chose to do an Irish accent for a random pirate during D&D and the players found it so weird and funny that they switched to non lethal attacks to make sure they could capture him and make me do the character on demand.

If you want to get more engagement on social media the best advice I can give you is to always check your facts before posting. People dont want to comment just to tell you you are wrong.

Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg and death is like an ever present creeping shadow.

People dont write songs about ass and titties anymore.

Why do they even make hazelnut coffee creamer? What a waste of time.

Good morning kidz!

I consider myself blue collar. I go to work, I do my job. I go home, I fuck my wife. Real American dream stuff every day the same.

Catching up on important stuff like Space Ghost lore

Wait a second… I think this website might have perverts on it?!?!

What if instead of guillotines we use woodchippers this time? Just to like, you know, modernize.

Every time someone saves one of my posts I assume its for evidentiary purposes

Good morning to the french!

Which one of you degens is live streaming the state of the union on pornhub??? Ya’ll crazy. “Senile old man fucks whole country live” you guys are too much. smh

THE PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT UNTIL I SHOW IT TO THEM KYLE!!!

::guy designing monsters for silent hill:: “fuck yeah I’m gonna give this thing like 5 vaginas”

Bunch of new followers the last few days so I’m looking forward to a few months from now when they each finally say my screen name out loud and make the connection.

We need Mambo #6 now more than ever

When we need to build a prison we have all the money in the world but when we need to house a veteran we’re broke.

Good morning rockers!

I would rather listen to Porky Pig explain crypto than watch the state of the union. I would rather have to revisit “the talk” with my parents only this time THEY have questions, than watch the state of the union. I would rather grow tastebuds, on my butthole, than watch the state of the union.

The men who stare at jorts

No thank you, I will not be feeling the noise tonight. No ma’am, please do not rock me. I’m just not in the mood to get wild wild wild.

Firing up microsoft powerpoint so I can explain the difference between “yep”, “yup”, “yes”, and “yeah”

Maybe you’ll return to dust but I’m built different.

Telling my wife I’ll be late to dinner because some dipshit on the Internet with 200 followers has a dipshit opinion and my people need me.

Even I dont know if I’m doing satire sometimes

Picking up my phone and asking myself “whats the dumbest shit I can say right now?” once an hour for the rest of my life.

My posts aren’t available on twitter so I don’t see why any of you really have an excuse to be there anymore. I’m all that you need. Ungrateful is what you are. On second thought get out! How dare you! No, stay. Wait, leave. I hate to love you.

Guz, just found out its over again. bluesky has failed once more and is dead for the umpteenth time. Rip in peace bluesky.

Where the fuck are the murder hornets? I was promised a murder hornet apocalypse YEARS AGO. Lazy ass murder hornets cant even wipe out nothing.

Attention shoppers. Good morning!

From the studio that brought you “what if funny man is sad?” Don’t miss this winters super original, never been done before sensation, “what if pretty girl is lonely?”

My discord randomly decided to all buy Hot Wheels Unleashed on Steam and I gotta say, good call. This shit rocks.