TIL that in the UK there's an "American" food chain founded by a clown named Ronald. I’d like you all to guess what the name of said chain is. Do not spoil it if you know.

"serves 2" hell yeah, serves all to my mouth, yum yum yum

🎵and he's talkin' with davy who's still in the navy and probably will be for life🎵 a baker will tell you the apple tart is best eaten warm, it's very important you listen to them 🎵time will cast a spell on you but you won't forget me🎵 *smash cut to me eating a warm apple tart and it's so tasty*

Can cows swim? Is this a question you never knew you wanted to know the answer to?

eating my first hot cross buns of the season, extra fruity, just like me WAHEEEEEYYYY

"i'm giving up chocolate for lent" yes honey you are GIVING 👏🏾 UP 👏🏾 CHOCOLATE 👏🏾 you're serving cadburys sacrifice to the gawds! the archbishop of cunterbury called, you're being canonised for slaying the fast down boots mama *tongue pop*

if you want more people to watch the winter olympics, you gotta release something real cute into one of the races, like i dunno, a dog or a cat or a baby or something, guaranteed ratings boost, you'll thank me later and pay me now

hey, i'm just a regular guy and i believe that AI will allow everyone to be filmmakers and artists and writers and it is simply a coincidence that i am also on the board of directors for an AI company

in the absence of the roaring fireplace and soft plush rug i deserve, i am rotating myself in front of the mini heater like a human kebab

my good boy, emotional support animal, and love of my life passed away last friday. snowball was the world's sweetest goblin, loved by me and many others, and he is greatly missed

popping the kettle on, anyone want anything

zeus, just before deciding which animal to transform into this time:

let me ask for your bank details and those special photos of your wife because i'm thirsty in a more environmentally friendly way

this friday the 13th is extra spooky because it's on the 13th friday of the 13th month, which only happens once every 666 years

as i thought would happen, the MASSIVE UMBRELLA i ordered has finally arrived just as it's STOPPED RAINING, i am FUMING

so you're telling me someone skimmed this milk... with their SEMI???

working in the office today and i've managed to spread my belongings over three desks, a new record

colin the caterpillar? forget about him! the hot new birthday cake everyone wants is shrimantha the shrimp

I'm opening up a few slots for emote, emoji and sticker commissions! Full pricing and info: nocturne.works/commissions

summer olympics is bouba and winter olympics is kiki

[youth pastor voice] you know who else was DRAFTED in to SAVE our souls by carrying POSTS

someone sat in front of me on the train is watching the TV show i'm watching and i thought they were on an episode ahead of me so i was avoiding looking at their screen but now i can see they are episodes behind so I'M GONNA RUIN IT FOR THEM HAHAHAHAHA

backend engineer? i sure h- i mean, i bet th- no, wait! i har- [several shots ring out]

slow blinking at the office's tech support so that they know i love them even though i am very close to throwing my laptop out of the window

Last week, I left The Queery (a non-profit queer cafe, book store and event space in Brighton) with other experienced members because of a deeply ingrained poor working culture. The resignation statements of some of the people who left (incl. me): docs.google.com/document/d/1...

if the train is going away from london, the display shouldn't show the status of london network lines, the display should play cartoons instead

call me a cynic but i'm watching curling at the winter olympics and i don't believe the sweepy-sweep-sweep brush actually does anything

GIVE HIM BACK HIS JOB 😭😭😭

race-coded decision-making is very sneaky, like you should absolutely wonder why the BBC has a specific accent voiceover for death in paradise, a cosy crime show set on a caribbean island, that isn't used for any other shows

watching a film and one of the villains is a little camp with their evil

meal prepped a delicious dupe of a fancy london salad bar (almost thirteen british pounds for a salad bowl? you're having a laugh!) for my lunch this week, and yes i'm feeling very smug about it

Just been made aware of Haiti's winter Olympics get-up. That skirt looks warm, has good pockets, and has a massive horse on it. DING DING DING.

on a call to @octopus.energy and the hold music is killing me softly by fugees! one of my karaoke playlist tunes! very sad when the call finally connected to customer service

A portrait of Kermit I did some time back.

second attempt at draining hot noodles WITHOUT pouring them down the sink, wish me luck 🫡

a question: bought a garlic infused olive oil which has dried garlic in it from aldi which i have sadly finished, if i pour in new olive oil, will this become garlicky and/or will i accidentally poison myself

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE, I HAVE ASCENDED BEYOND GENDER

boob mcdonald, the little-known sequel to the famous nursery rhyme

overheard intergenerational chat, a lull in the convo and the older person says: "wait... which mean girls film do you mean?" and the younger person replies "there's more than one?" 💀💀💀

absolutely slammed with meetings today

planned to wake up at 6am to go to the gym, woke up at 6am but did not go to the gym, cosy in bed and bargaining with myself that i will go this evening but will i hmm

february 1st feels like when you thought you were still on the free trial but you find out the annual subscription fee has been taken from your bank account

*looks around nervously* and these housewives... are they real or desperate?

paddington's wario would be called baddington

a child in a pushchair stared at me wide-eyed and then began loudly crying. good.

watching a place in the sun and a man described his partner's fashion sense as "clocky"! what a wild thing to say about your partner on a tv show! turns out because of his accent, i'd actually misheard him say "quirky", ahh....

pasta shapes as horoscopes, call that pastrology

"ov-ov-ovechkin, second greatest love machine"

had to cover my cat snowball's eyes and ears as the episode of the simpsons we were watching was the one where the family's cat snowball ii dies

when your mum's describing someone she bumped into at the shop but can't remember their name