when beebee is meowing at me a lot, sometimes i scoop him up and gently throw him onto the sofa, and he immediately starts purring, perhaps that's what we all want in life, to suddenly have the ground disappear from beneath our feet and to be flung towards a soft unknown

everything reminds me of her

just kinda think if you don't want people to be angry about you being a vicious homophobe when you're dead, then don't be a vicious homophobe while you're alive! but that's just me! it seems like that's a difficult one for others!

turn around, every now and then i get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my t-TURN AROUND, every now and then i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone b-TURN AROUND, every now and then i get a little bit terrified and then i see the look in your ey-TURN AROUND

low stakes conspiracy theory that the factory that makes curtain tie backs and the factory that makes bondage rope is in fact the same factory

extreme heat is here - but should it be? joining me on the show tonight are a panel of experts debating whether or not the extreme heat should just fuck right off

about to go have an ever so slightly cooler than blisteringly hot shower, does anyone want anything

this is not a serious country

bringing a book with you to a coffee shop? very decadent. actually reading the book? ooft steady on now

at gatwick airport train station and someone on the platform pressed the open door button as the train was starting to leave, and i need to know what they think would happen, like the train is now moving, what do you think the train will do? it will just stop? for you? is this your first day alive?

so i'm on the EMR train from nottingham to london st pancras, and the train's just passed a thameslink train heading to brighton... lads... i reckon i could make the jump...

girl don't do it, it's not worth it (sort the mugs and glasses by size, style, purpose even though my bus arrives at my bus stop in ten minutes), i'm not gonna do it, i was just thinking about it (already started doing it), i did it (gonna get the next bus, oh but look at the plates and bowls...)

had an outpatients appt, made notes and had questions printed out because i didn't want to get flustered and forget something important, the doctor saw it and said "wow, this makes my job a lot easier" and at the end of the consultation, he asked to keep it to use in his notes

don't understand the purpose of magazines with headlines like ROYAL RUMBLE: MEGHAN BELIEVES KATE HAS SET A TRAP and BATTLE OF WILLS: HARRY TO STAY AT PALACE because who cares and at some point i realise perhaps it's just not for me

in england, they are arresting people on the streets for doing the mexican wave

train fares are ridiculously expensive, the petrol money can't be that much, come on

pretzel'd myself comfortably in a train seat so that i'm slouched down with my laptop balanced on my ankles and perfectly at head height, fruit snack bowl resting on my knee, the ticket inspector said "bloody hell" when she saw me, looks like keeping up my daily mobility habit has finally paid off

judging father for having a lie-in when i sleep almost 18 hours a day

Who wants to get in on the ground floor of my new kidlit crime procedural

me and who and who and etc

once i find out the secret of how to relax between the hours of getting home from work at 7pm and going to bed at 10pm, it's over for you bitches

there are window cleaners abseiling down a building opposite mine and i imagine them going "wheeeeee!" every time they descend a level, i really hope they do

the minions didn't work for hitler; hitler worked for the minions, all of that was their idea

travelling into london three times this week on consecutive days, truly sicko behaviour

one thousand spiders in my bedroom, tempted to throw my keys at them and simply let them have the flat

NGC 6334 - The Cat's Paw Nebula - From Rolf Wahl Olsen - https://flic.kr/p/puJ3EF

the thing is, if you're driving and your phone is attached to a mount so you're hands-free but you are recording a video on your phone, your focus is split between the road and your camera, you're highly likely to have an accident, and for what

lego stonewall riot set, complete with the brick marsha p johnson threw, which is made of smaller lego bricks

when the antihistamine, ibuprofen, and coffee finally kick in

not the first to think of it but channel 4 should pay me handsomely for the idea: bake off all stars

when someone talks about a character with flaws and deep-seated issues and whether or not they're "redeemable" or "worth saving"

mission impossible films are ridiculous, these characters are just talking fast and loud, explaining the plan over and over, and then little tommy cruise does a stunt isn't necessary but there has to be one every fifteen minutes or else he dies, and yet here i am half-watching this like a sucker

dracula but he is a sweet potato, call that interview with the yampire

they should bottle and sell the great feeling you get after you go to the gym so you can have that before you go to the gym instead of trying to ruin your day trying to avoid going to the gym

fifteen minutes to decide if i'm going to my gym class or going for a nap, life is so hard for me, a sleepy muscle babe

the impact of brexit 10 years on? well a new word was introduced to the world which got adopted and adapted by many countries so there's that, i guess

when you're trying to hit the word count on an essay

[film noir detective voice] looks like he's chumba'd his last wamba

*looks at bag of salad* booty shorts that say 'washed and ready to e-[a single shot rings out]

but when is national MEN's picky bits day

if your anti-allergy product claims to last up to 24 hours and it's wearing off after five hours, i mean, technically correct, sure, but also fuck you fuck you fuck you

life is good and love is everywhere (just ate a pistachio chocolate croissant)

the heat's actually not that bad to be in if you break it up with lying down in a dark, air-conditioned room for six hours at a time

[AFTER KEIR STARMER RESIGNS] ME: PAL: ME: PAL: Lot of human rights abuses for a hu- ME: A LOT of human rights abuses for a human rights lawyer!

and now to devour juicy fridge-cold fruits while hunched over the sink, swiftly like a cryptid who must not be seen

GIRLS NIGHT

if it's sunny and a day ending with "y", i will be on the beach

which way, western man

the film suggestions for everyone's a muppet apart from one human should also count for the crew

customer service must end. it is time for customer sacrifice