now if THIS moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it would knock you the fuck out

the creature steering me: so you're using all the eggs, you can put the empty eggshells in the eggbox for easy throw away me: you got it, boss *cracks egg into eggbox, puts eggshell in bowl* the creature: 😑😑😑

shaving my head because the pros (having a crumb more sanity) outweigh the cons (being cold as heck)

i have drinkt my little coffe in this little coffe shop and must retvrn to outside cold :( but for now for now :)))

too cold to go out, no downsides to staying indoors, tell me why that's a choice i gotta make

the year starts at the end of the week! here are three reasons why that is bad - 1, 2 and 3: it's wrong and i hate it

watching fallout series 1 recap and i refuse to rewatch the entire series simply because i've forgotten everything that happened! so much happened! i don't have that kind of time! fallout wiki hates to see me coming!!!!!

baby it's the year of the horse and i'm ready to rear up

overheard in a café, a guy chatting to his mates about his new years resolutions, "no sugar, no coffee, no takeaways", i'd rather [redacted] myself in the [redacted] until i [redacted] than do any of that

on new year's eve? in a film called new year's eve? really? grow up

me at 11.59pm on december 31st

jools... put down the piano... we're all here to help you

filling up hot water bottle steam hits my glasses, i can't see hope i don't spill hot water on my hands i am spilling hot water on my hands can't feel it because hands so cold

£9.20 for less than 100g of coffee? are we well? are we doing alright out here?

repeatedly telling myself that the bad actions of other people are not a reflection of me or my character, just girly things~

two gummies and i start being real fucking honest (crying and replying to every single one of my beautiful friends' beautiful instagram stories 😭)

hey cats protection my cat is sat on me and he has just let out the stinkiest loudest fart in his sleep is it too late to return him yeah he didn't even wake up i can't believe it either

carefully typing while my cat rests his head gently on my arm, he sometimes does a polite bite when my typing becomes too lively but maybe this time...

A pair of happy hammerhead sharks (ca. 1735 Edo period Japan)

this style of headline sounds insane

silly goose of the house (youngest child)

imagine being the stepdad to the most famous baby in the history of mankind and you're still not even the joseph they write a musical about

goodwill to all men? nah! this year, only bad williams to all men

peace on earth, war on mars, crisis on venus

discovered a bottle of red wine in the back of my wardrobe (santa's been!) and so i'm making a boxing day boeuf bourgignon :)

it's not christmas until your mum sends you a forwarded many times whatsapp video of AI santa or AI jesus 🙃

right, it's come to this, i'm using christmas rules to "simply believe" that a dash of hot water will revive my hardened chocolate ganache

yes i know it's unwise to do my home solstice deep clean, laundry, food shop for the christmas day pals potluck and cook for the christmas day pals potluck, and cook for boxing day, to do all of this on christmas eve, but do i look like a wise man

the grinch implies the existence of the groutch

watching spiderman no way home for the first time after years of being out of the marvel loop and IT IS BLISS, i have no idea what is going on

quite the jumpscare watching despicable me and realising that a character is voiced by RUSSELL BRAND???

mmm controversial opinion but i don't think we need to build any more apps, that's enough now

not loving the grinch's arc of villain -> anti-hero -> Big Christmas's Official Spokesperson, something smells off here

sometimes it is restorative to simply yell I WAS TOLD BY APPLECARE at the sky, at the sea, into a pillow, in your head

channel 4 really said rule of three 😤😤😤

"it's just a funny reference to love actually" no it is not, is this keira knightley the actor or keira knightley the character saying "please say you haven't got cue cards" in the waitrose christmas advert? she has said in interviews that she did not like that scene so was this ac[sound fades out]

launched the phrase "there are many ways to slice an apple" in a meeting, my new year's resolution is to get as many fake idioms into company-wide circulation as possible

there are five bank holidays in the first half of the year, three in the second, but when i'm president, there will be at least one bank holiday every month, and at least two named after me

descaling my kettle... fellas... we all know what that means... amirite 😏

don't normally enjoy hearing men; however, a group of men driving past with the windows down and absolutely belting out feliz navidad with perfect harmonies? go on, lads

under the electric blanket, left knee out for cool air ventilation, left foot in so the demon under my bed can't get me, right foot out to tease the demon anyways

strava. you are itching, ITCHING to put the whole app behind subscription. wanting me to pay to see my 2025 recap? you've lost your damn minds!

yeah i'm still reporting maintenance issues in verse, why do you ask

when the bus has no adverts, just local fun facts, poems, and art

also it's older than 25 :(

who was the first person to discover that any children's song slowed down sounds ominous? i imagine they had a kid playing with a toy that was running low on its batteries and were like "damn, that's annoying... kinda spooky though..."

my mum's just told me she wanted to be a car mechanic when she was younger but she got told she can't because she's a girl, and i really really really don't want to say this explains a lot about her, but: This Explains A Lot About Her

with zootopia 2 in the cinemas, i am back on my soapbox saying: i don't like that zootopia is called zootropolis in some markets, the pun of zootopia does not work with zootropolis, i hate the word zootropolis with my whole life

dressed smart like a london bloke before he speak, his suit bespoke

purple first! don't even know what the word in that connections group means!