HA Jokes on you Thirsty Thursday. I have coffee and water. You aren't going to get me.

I'm very excited for this. I really like everything Cregger has done and as a former medical courier who has also been besieged by zombies and nightmare creatures I think this will really hit home for me.

not now babe, i’m being dumb on the internet

How I tell people I have the poops

Hey you! Yes you. You're pretty. ❤️🌯

ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter

*person setting up quote chain* Share a butthole selfie and QTP. Oh mine...I...my camera....it's ....in another dimension you start first

normalize human meat casing as a compliment, moving on

It's time for a midweek mood check! Use a GIF, pic, or vid to share how you are feeling today 🖤

“I’m fun. I’m FUN! I’m crazy and WILD! WE’RE GONNA HAVE FUN TOGETHER!” *pulls out shotgun* *whispers* “… we’re gonna have fun together.”

Okay going to attempt sleep and dream of buttholes. Goodnight you pervy wonderful humans

I see you over there jorkin it Great job.

Funky little shack Fun kay little shack

...soo apparently I'm wide awake and love shack is on repeat in my head Thanks for that brain

Also didn't think I'd be typing the words whipped jizz. I blame key for that.

Reading back all of your skeets today...you all need to get laid. It was a horny day for skeets.

It'd be fun to have Popeye visit you in the hospital because he'd ask how the "skurgery" went and you'd finally get to laugh a little.

it’s sus to not have typos

people are so strange

Anme!

Lack of wagons makes burrito sad.

pretreating bluesky for Thirstday bc it’s already starting to get sticky in here

Marriage is watching your spouse clean the house wrong while simultaneously not saying anything about it because you don’t want to clean

Well...I can see some of you didn't enjoy that movie Happy Feet with all the penguin hate here tonight

whipped cream? is that like a special way that indiana jones prepares his cum?

....my favorite Mexican restaurant is closing. Fuck. I'm going to miss their birria

But your honor it said "Demo" on the Fleshlight

This little motherfucker is my nemesis. Who saves skeets? Every time I see one that is blue...I want to write a tersely worded letter to whoever made this a feature.

When I log on & see that I have notifications

guy inventing antibiotics: “i bet a side effect of pooping more will help”

Advertise your account with a Simpsons image.

Oops! All Weiners

Wash your ass with soap and brush your teeth. That’s all.

There are few things worse in life than your headphones dying while you're listening to music

I sent you a Radio Flyer wagon on Wednesday, please respind

*me flirting* I’m ‘bout to go down on you like the titanic…lots of screams, panicking, and violins

This is your sign to go get that energy drink and pretend your life is together

Don't love when a recipe calls for "heaping" measurements. 3 heaping tablespoons, ok so 4 but you wanna sound cool. The Cavalier Chef

Two posts diverged on a site, and I— I reposted the one less liked, And that has made all the difference.

Man, I need a good pair of Walk Socks to go with my Fashion Tie. All I have are these damn shuffling socks, and my shopping tie.

My crush on Christina Ricci has only grown with age.

I enjoy working as a bouncer at the nightclub frequented by desi women who have had children because I like (to) cardamom.

I pretty much hate everyone. Except you. You’re ok.

Me, when I think I'm being sexy

Not to get political on here, but 'disconnect' should be two words.

I used to take myself too seriously boy was I dumb

tactical emotions: emotions FOR MEN