Oh high there

I whooped the edibles ass

"I'm a man of culture", I say to myself for letting mold grow on the damp spot in the kitchen.

Time for everyone's favorite weekly game! BEAT THE EDIBLE!

Me: all my notifications are just ppl reposting my reposts... bsky is dead Also me: not posting anything good for weeks at a time... oh yeah

Booting up my Strange Days VR device and selecting the cartridge labeled "smoking a camel light"

If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size $100 gift card.

you’ve been hit by you’ve been struck by a smooth operator

My moots are too pretty. Look at all you with your pretty selfs

Him: I have to deliver one of your Christmas gifts in person Me: it’s sex isn’t it

professor: ..and eventually, dinosaurs evolved into birds. me: ah that explains those t-rex shaped chicken nuggets.

Post a close-up selfie if you're so inclined

pondering borbs

Littlest burrito just informed me they don't like lasagna. I literally made it two weeks ago and I was told I was the best maker of lasagna of all time. I feel lied to

what do you call a domme who likes to tie you up? Macramommy

Simply halving a horrible Christmas mime.

Whelp anyone else feel like today in particular was a shitty day or am I just feeling that way along with half my skyline?

Climbing into a woodchipper would fix me.

....why on earth would you quote skeet someone and shut off your replies?...especially if you're not following them

listening to your little snores and kissing the top of your head

I put on my sexy wax paper, for this?

You ever cry the whole way home from therapy, bro?

on a date and he says the earth is flat and I can’t tell if he’s joking or not and this is basically usa in a nutshell.

A three word love story. Have a burrito

You can lead a horse to the library but you can't make them read.

I feel like after reactivating that I'm both not following people I did before and following people I didn't before. This is werid

Way too many theme posts tonight.

Neat new words to mute

*watches video for She bop*: wait some people didnt realize this was about straight jorkin it?

I slept in my Samwell shirt and it's in my butt

A three word love story Burrito and butthole

Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather' https://theonion.com/four-homeless-people-dead-in-what-girlfriend-refers-to-1819574385/

Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift https://theonion.com/terry-gross-conducts-fresh-air-interview-on-bluetooth-during-uber-shift/

"While Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure to the harsh tundra, she nonetheless spent hour upon hour peering through a brass spyglass and scanning the desolate landscape for any sign of the grotesque TV personality"

“Are you certain it will work? It looks like a hot tub.” - 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦, H.G. Wells, 1895

“Hard at work” but it’s just me giving you workday boners you’re welcome

I'm haiku platypus

hi, im los

i like to make friends on letterboxd dot com

And yes I love Five Guys in my mouth and Wendy's on my face. I'm burgersexual

Kids are now asleep. Time for some Wendy's to sit on my face and watch The Pitt with burritopartner

#burritothoughts I wonder if the royal family had royal butthole washers

this isn’t even the worst thing most of you have read in the past 24 hours on here

I bet Troy Aikman secretly pines away for a copy of the Cats Butthole cut.

Still convinced they need to make blow darts specifically for putting kids to bed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH