Pronouncing Union like Onion.

me, going to sit under the pergola with my coffee: it’s time for the pergolator

I apologize if I offend anyone but fuck wind chimes

*enjoying a moment of peace* hey it's been a while since you got some horrifying news

For my safety and yours, please fold me neatly into my carrying case to charge overnight

bat boys bat boys what ya gonna do what ya gonna do when [high pitched screeching]

You could probably lure me into the woods with half a bag of crushed potato chips, to be honest.

BRANDON HAGEL IS A FUCKING GANGSTER

Drop something from the 1990s…

thinking about making a joke on here one day

Why don’t you make like a bee and pollinate me. Coming soon to a Hallmark card aisle near you.

it's wild going back & playing on an xbox 360. you just put a disc in and the game plays. like wow what amazing technology. we couldn't have something like that today tho.

Rage Against Florence+ the Machine

it's funny that a printer and a scanner are politically misaligned

what if bojangles was pronounced like los angeles

My kids couldn’t tell you when my birthday is if you paid them, but they sure as hell know the cat’s birthday that we have never even celebrated

You said

The Jordyn Tyson highlights are impressive. Ngl, kinda looks like me back in '94.

"want to see what ChatGPT thinks my dog would look like if it were a human?" no, Jessica, I want to feel what it'd be like if you were a Minion and I was crushing you under my combat boots

watching the Jersey Mike’s worker make my sandwich

happy earth day! 🌎

Top of the muffin to you

QTP with a character that permanently altered your brain chemistry

QTP with a character that permanently altered your brain chemistry

Putting superglue on my hand so we'll hold hands forever ❤️

Mayonnaise is my favorite pie filling

What if all mail had to be edible.. and delicious.

I have opposed gerrymandering every single time it has come up. It’s a perversion of the political process. I voted Yes in this election without hesitation. Unilateral disarmament is unacceptable.

Lmao! Exactly!

fun fact: when you pee on the ISS you’re taking a PISS (Pee on the International Space Station)

I hope pope Leo prays for me to wake up not sick in the morning

I could describe my nudes to you.

They're like Great Pyrenees thinking they're Pomeranians when they try to fit in those tiny beds.

Please don’t get me started on this—backing into spaces in crowded parking lots!!! This is undoubtedly the stupidest, most selfish, irresponsible shit being perpetrated by grown men and women. How fucking stupid. I’m talking about NYC only and tri state area.

People like Pete Hegseth believe that China manufactures the flu as a weapon. He then tells China, potentially our biggest military enemy, that he is ensuring that US troops *will* be made vulnerable to the flu. When you're too stupid to reconcile your conspiracy theories.

Before Eve was created, Adam would hold his gooning sessions in Paradise and he liked to call it his Garden of Seedin'

it’s me your smart friend responsible for educating future generations

Lol, dick-ens

Now is both the best time and the worst time to post hole

big day for pestilence and preventable disease

I’d like to thank Centerpoint for releasing the pressure off the natural gas lines but why at 5 am? 😭 it’s so loud

You’re family now, they warned

It's really funny that Star Trek made the Ferengi, an entire species of loathsome misogynist capitalists that the show mocks constantly and right-wingers with those same beliefs are like "I love this era of Star Trek". It feels masochistic.

Kiss me, beef boy

I wish I loved anything as much as giant SUV owners love unnecessarily holding up traffic in the parking garage while backing into the tightest, shittiest parking space in the garage.

still can’t believe that given the choice between “bountiful, free, clean energy from the earth, wind, and sun” and “poisonous dead animal sludge price sensitive to global politics” we keep choosing the latter

Time to dye my roots so no one can tell I’m not a natural magenta

So close