When I was thinking about getting bangs, I wish someone would have warned me that I could wake up and look like Joe Dirt

Hear me out. Everyone knows the old "You can fascinate a woman with a piece of cheese" thing, so what if we got a bunch of gold things, like Ferrero Rocher wrappers or whatever, and just made a little trail leading off a short pier

Just leave the door open, nothing matters anymore

I keep accidentally buying ice cream that my kids don’t like and then having to eat it myself because no one else will, over and over again

One day I will be able to wash a ladle and not spray water all over myself but today is not that day.

Therapist: have you been practicing stress management techniques? Me: *sipping a $7 coffee as my phone vibrates with a shipped notification* Absolutely.

Generational wealth, but it's just my 8yo inheriting all his brother's Minecraft clothes and pajama hand-me-downs now that he's gone up a size.

I just want the confidence of a napping husband

the origin story of the cabbage patch kids is terrifying

I don’t understand why people hire plumbers for small repairs; it’s only taken me $40, 3 trips to Home Depot, the unnecessary replacement of one perfectly fine part, and I’m 85% sure I’ll have this figured out by next week

They’re repped by the Luigi Mangione criminal modeling agency

Riddle me this- why does anyone need a weatherproof quilted vest?

My kid forgot her lost tooth on the kitchen table and I gave her $5 instead of the normal $2 bill. I decided I’m okay paying a convenience fee to hopefully incentivize my kids to continue to leave teeth downstairs so I can avoid crawling around a bedroom.

I’m out of town and 7yo FaceTimed me to tell me that he wiped his butt too hard. It hurts now and he’s asking me how to make it feel better, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be the default parent.

It's beautiful watching a teen remember who they were before a phone. Like a wet, newborn foal stumbling into the living room-knock kneed and bumbling.

I warned my son that he could not say “I’m bored” during Rosh Hashanah services today. About ten minutes in, he leaned on my shoulder and whispers “I’m un-entertained”

american democracy right now

‘Mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’ -my 4 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Cranada. like Canada but a little more tart.

My kid buys a toy vending machine and exclaims “it doesn’t take any money!” and then mutters “that’s not a very good business model.”

You know those Highlights “circle what’s wrong” pictures? I’m about to take a pic of my kids’ bathroom counter and hand one a pen.

Miss 11: Get out of the way. Me: 11: In a nice way.

I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket

I always knew I would end up on my own like Carrie Bradshaw, single in heels My husband: Hey, I am not dead yet! Me: Oh, that reminds me, I got you a Peloton

My signature move is writing “please see attached” and then confidently hitting send with absolutely nothing attached.

I hate it when people hog the 5 lb weights at the gym like c’mon Brenda I’m trying to get ripped here

and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids

I’m a marriage, kids, a mortgage and a serious job into this thing and I still wonder who the grown up looking person is in the mirror when I get dressed for work

I was talking to a new doc last week and giving my medical history and I said I had aphasia, and she raised an eyebrow and asked to clarify. I realized I meant dysphagia, but she failed to see the irony in my mistake

Kid 1 is playing pretend with a toy campfire set; he cut up a log and placed four pieces in a frame and placed the flames in the center. Kid 2 went to scout camp this summer, so I asked, “Kid 2, any tips for Kid 1 as he builds the fire?” “Yeah,” says Kid 2, “Don’t put your hands in the fire”

I asked my kid what he’d like to wear for the first day of school. “Um, I think…the picnic table shirt.” Gingham, he chose a gingham patterned button down

They tell you a kid will lose their teeth when it’s time. But the longer you wait, the more time they have to boobytrap their bedroom to make the tooth fairy’s job like mission impossible

Can someone help me understand how Texas House members don’t have a quorum to pass their gerrymandering new districts, but are able to pass legislation that allows them to arrest those that left the state to prevent a quorum?

Me: omg, did your hands and wrist sunburn too? You’re peeling 9: oh no, that’s glue me: but you just showered 9: yeah, I put it on after

Autocorrect decided my mistyping of “topless” should have been “yes please,” soooo, there’s that.

Why do we always have to pack one swimsuit that we know will absolutely not work when packing for vacation?

My kid, counting his piggy bank money: Mom, I’m all out of cents. Me: *nods in quiet agreement*

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

They're under the bed, in the hall, under the table, in the corner of the bathroom... they are EVERYWHERE. There are big ones and little - some are frightening. They congregate in pairs, 3’s and 4’s. I don't think I need to buy the kids any more shoes. They're taking over.

From the file “profound statements from my kid,” today she announced that every chair is just a table for your butt

I would like to thank the manufacturer for these extremely helpful instructions

My kid just told me she’s not “Hungry-hungry” but she is “cheese stick hungry.”

I hear Vegas now has Uno games and all of the sudden those packs are getting snatched out of the back of cabinets all over creation as Uncle Everyone decides it’s time to defend his title before cashing in

In my daughter’s room, I asked Alexa for the weather and she responded at max volume. I chastised my kid and said, “that’s waaay too loud.” That child looked at me deadass and said “she’s just passionate about her job.”

As a parent, I’ll be celebrating Independence Day by attempting to use the bathroom alone.

the movie Speed (1994) but it’s me pushing the baby in her stroller and if i stop she wakes up

We’ve been together so long, our arguments are now in reruns.

No YOU just checked your hands to make sure you weren’t holding your phone when you couldn’t find it.

Found these spaces in the parking lot of my dr’s building. Who’s going to tell them?