Sanity, I mean education, is important, strap some plows to the busses and get our kids to school

Sanity, I mean education, is important, strap some plows to the busses and get our kids to school

I asked my 4yo if she wanted to eat a cheesy wrap. She said yes, so I went to the kitchen and made one for her. When I tried to give her the wrap, she said “No! I don’t want it!” Where did I go wrong?

You know you've got a problem when your 8yo calls you out for the amount of browser tabs you've got open

Every store is sold out of sleds, so I’m going to see if our molded rubber car floor mats will work. We also have sumo inflatable hamster ball things. What could go wrong?

I have learned that in a crisis my neighbors prefer bananas to brussels sprouts

"NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!" my children yell at me.

I can no longer tell what’s news and what’s satire

Website: Please update your password. *enters new password* Website: Sorry, your password must contain a riddle involving three trolls, a unicorn, and a block of cheese.

The collective noun for gatherings of 2 or more people is a nope.

I’m not ready to see Valentine’s stuff in stores yet, I need at least a month after the holidays to remember that I love my relatives

Me: I need to be productive today Also me:

Putting seasonal depression on the back burner so I can focus on my wartime anxiety

The rule is that if you forget to take one decoration down, it must stay up until the following Christmas.

I think I have a pretty good poker face unless you cough around me in which case I’m gonna immediately react.

If you start your day off folding the five baskets of laundry you've been avoiding like the plague, it can only go up from there.

Every community group at 12:01 am on new year’s: why are there fireworks, it’s not July 4th?!

Every community group at 12:01 am on new year’s: why are there fireworks, it’s not July 4th?!

You know how kids tattle on one another by yelling “Moooom! So and so is doing this thing!”? Mine finally crafted the tattle to end all tattles by yelling “Mooom! My brother keeps tattling on me!”

My 4yo just asked why Santa didn't come back to clean up the Christmas mess. Honestly, it’s kinda nice having someone else to blame for once.

We have officially descended into the post-holiday void. If you need anything from me before New Year’s, no you don’t.

Like sand through the hourglass, these are the skeets of our lives

Dental school, Day 1: Teacher: repeat after me…you may feel a slight pinch Students: you may feel a slight pinch Teacher: Congratulations, you are now dentists, please take a complimentary set of torture implements when you pick up your diploma

Stages of holiday shopping 1. Plenty of time 2. Gifts for myself 3. Oh no

My car is getting into the holiday spirit with its annual display of dashboard warning lights.

9: her favorite is the Pancake House? me: You mean the Waffle House? 9: no me: IHOP? 9: no me? International House of Pancakes? 9: yes! me: so, IHOP. International House of Pancakes is IHOP. 9: no, the original one

My kids made topless and bottomless cookies for their teachers for the holidays. And by this I mean my daughter refused to put on pants and my son refused to put on a shirt for this task.

In the process of making cookies, I asked my 7yr old to add the butter. 7: do I have to take the wrapper off?

Christmas teaches us that it's okay to break into someone's house as long as you're leaving stuff.

My youngest daughter claims that the “good thing about having a sibling is always having someone to finish the lyrics,” which is sweet, but apparently accuracy is optional and volume is not.

The devil on my left shoulder says "bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck" And the worse devil on my right shoulder says "and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave"

If your 1 year old is awake before 6am airport rules take effect and you can eat cheesecake for breakfast. Follow me for more parenting tips

PSA: When you see kids not wearing coats in cold weather, there's a 95% chance their parents tried to get them to wear one.

I don’t care if I have three kids, a job and a mortgage, sometimes I need an adult to make the decisions for me

I don’t care if I have three kids, a job and a mortgage, sometimes I need an adult to make the decisions for me

Forget candy- if a man pulled up with a van and told my kids there was a scavenger hunt inside, they’d be goners.

Some kid prank called me repeatedly last night so I finally answered the phone with, “hello, you’ve reached 1986, please leave a message after the beep” the kid was so confused he hasn’t called back

Expanding my capacity to receive by punching a few more belt notches

Breaking news: I've officially entered hour 6 of untangling my Christmas lights. Morale is low, coffee is gone, and I'm considering just wrapping the whole knot around the tree and calling it "modern art."

An advent calendar, but it's just me opening a hamper of laundry to wash each day.

My 12yo: (takes a bite of 5 stacked crackers at the same time) Me: 1 at a time 12yo: I am Me: No... 12yo: I ate 1/5 of 5 crackers equalling 1 whole cracker in the bite Me: 12yo: Me: Carry on

I asked my daughter if she had a good day at kindergarten and she said “yeah, I didn’t yell at anyone!” Sounds like everyone else had a good day too!

My 8yo has his friend over for a play date and I’m not convinced I’ve heard the word “bro” this many times in my life

My 3yo was struggling to put her shirt on, so I told her she was very capable and she said “no, you’re cakeable!” Is she gonna turn me into a cake?

Kids: What’s for breakfast? Me: Turkey Kids: Then what’s for lunch? Me: Turkey Kids: What about dinner? Me: Pizza…just kidding, it’s turkey

To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news

The 'Scared Straight' program, except it's me stepping on the scale the day after Thanksgiving.

if you’re cold they’re cold let your demons in

When I was thinking about getting bangs, I wish someone would have warned me that I could wake up and look like Joe Dirt