“I don’t want stickers on anything” says my 3yo who puts stickers on everything

My kid finished his weekend homework on a Thursday, therefore making me look like a great parent, so I needed to tell everyone about it because I may never experience this high again.

I tried offering my 3yo some carrot slices. I even called them carrot chips to make them sound more enticing. She was not fooled by my shenanigans and will not be eating any carrots.

We went to a theme park today and walked past one of the games. My kid said “Oh, I know that game! It’s a scam!” I don’t know how he knew that, but I’m sure he was right.

I’ve reached the stage of parenting where I keep mixing up my kids’ names

If my 3yo were to stop eating blueberries, I’m not sure the blueberry industry would recover. She eats so many of them that she’s gotta be responsible for 90% of their profits.

There’s no such thing as a quick trip to the playground for a preschooler. It’s their favourite place in the world, so you’re in for the long haul.

I kind of hate playing pretend with my kids but listening to my kids play pretend without me, I could listen to them all day.

My 2yo didn’t want to get out of bed this morning so she pretended her legs wouldn’t work, and I’ve never related to anything more.

My toddler told me that I’m the boss and then we all had a good laugh because that’s so far from the truth

shoutout to the dad I passed this morning accompanying his daughter on the walk to school, carrying her hello kitty backpack and singing every word to “golden” from K-pop demon hunters

I’ve been home for 5 minutes and my 3yo is already calling me “the worst silly moose” but I promise I’m not

Kid 1 is playing pretend with a toy campfire set; he cut up a log and placed four pieces in a frame and placed the flames in the center. Kid 2 went to scout camp this summer, so I asked, “Kid 2, any tips for Kid 1 as he builds the fire?” “Yeah,” says Kid 2, “Don’t put your hands in the fire”

My 3yo keeps asking me to take photos of her at the playground. Then she asks to see it and when I show her, she says “oOoOoOh good one daddy!”

I asked my kid what he’d like to wear for the first day of school. “Um, I think…the picnic table shirt.” Gingham, he chose a gingham patterned button down

My kid loves to say "hey look at this" but whatever he's trying to show me is always obscured from my view and only he can see it

My kids no longer fit in carts yet I still find myself lightly rocking mine every time I idle in the grocery store to make sure no one cries

Me: A nurse at this surgery center let me sleep for a couple extra hours after my procedure because she knew I had little kids Receptionist: … Me: I still have little kids Receptionist: Wanting a nap is not a valid reason to have surgery, ma’am

My 3yo is making me pizza and coffee. This is an absolute dream come true. Aside from the fact it’s all made of PlayDoh.

My kids are home after two weeks at sleepaway camp and they had a great time except my daughter just casually dropped that she "went blind for a day"

I love playing Would You Rather with my Kids bc kids are insane, my 2.5yo asked “would you rather have kids or vacuums?”

It’s important to note that your child’s energy levels will spike around 10 minutes before bedtime. They can sense it’s time for calm and want none of that!

Mission:Impossible but it’s just me trying to sneak out of my kid’s bedroom after I think they’ve fallen asleep

My 2yo is in a big bed now and this morning my husband, 5yo and I were cuddling in our bed when, for the first time, we heard her open her own door. Then we heard pat pat pat and she appeared in the doorway, smiling, we all cheered, she ran, jumped in bed. Probably my best moment of parenting so far

Daughter is playing restaurant and I committed too hard to the bit and ate a spoonful of kinetic sand

Told my daughter that she needed to clean her room when she got home which resulted in a tantrum. On the fly, I said that hoarding isn’t good whether it’s old things in her room or big feelings for things that aren’t important. This got her to calm down and I’d like my parenting trophy sent asap.

They tell you a kid will lose their teeth when it’s time. But the longer you wait, the more time they have to boobytrap their bedroom to make the tooth fairy’s job like mission impossible

My kid isn’t allowed to bring his toys to daycare because they might get lost or damaged. That’s also why I let him take his walkie talkies to school.

I feel like I might be entitled to some form of compensation after how many times I’ve had to listen to my kid sing Steve’s Lava Chicken today

*loud bang from the other room* 6yo (yelling): The couch is totally fine! Should I go check or nah?

it’s important to note that it was iced coffee but yes I did spill coffee on the baby’s head this morning so I’ll be reporting to jail

If everyone could stop asking me to leave a review for every single thing ever for the rest of time that would be pretty cool. Just saying.

How dare clothing stores update their styles regularly when I just want to repurchase the same exact sweater I bought seven years ago

I told my 3yo not to jump on the couch and I’ve discovered that was a mistake because she took it to mean “you can’t jump on the couch, but you can jump off the couch”

It’s a known scientific fact that if one of your children has something, then your other kid wants it

Easy to think you'll encourage your kid to follow his dreams until he asks if he can be a YouTuber when he grows up

My kid, counting his piggy bank money: Mom, I’m all out of cents. Me: *nods in quiet agreement*

I asked my kid if he’d buy me a Lamborghini and he said maybe. So you’re saying there’s a chance…

My toddler farted and when I asked her if she did it, she said “No! Mommy did it!” Kids learn so fast.

From the file “profound statements from my kid,” today she announced that every chair is just a table for your butt

Rule no.62 of parenting: Every time your toddler jumps, it’s the biggest jump you’ve ever seen!

me to my husband: KEXP was playing some bangers this morning three year old, nodding sagely: bangers

wife: you think the kids are old enough for a sleepover? me: hell yeah I do! wife: great! I’ll let them know they can both invite a friend over this weekend me: oh, you mean here, at our place. you know, some studies suggest delaying sleepovers…

Folding two loads of laundry that I recognize as Clothes My Kids Didn't Wear But Threw In The Hamper When I Told Them To Clean Their Rooms

My kid just told me she’s not “Hungry-hungry” but she is “cheese stick hungry.”

Kids have this inbuilt feature where they can quickly switch to moving in slow motion. They seem to activate this mode whenever it’s time to go somewhere.

3 year old: "I'm telling you I love you because I want you to read me a book." Saying the quiet part out loud is in toddler DNA.

9yo turns into 10yo tomorrow, and a a decade somehow evaporates away in an instant* * excluding sleep regressions and hangry tantrums

Talk about inflation! Last year my kid sold lemonade for a $1, this year she’s selling it for $5, if this continues I’m gonna have to get the neighbor kid to start his own stand in the hopes they get in a price war

My kids have a toy where you put a card in it and it plays a sound from an animal. But the real highlight is when it's running out of battery and it says "I'm tired. Please give me some energy!" Much like when I say a similar thing, they continue to keep pressing buttons.