Nothing has done more for my mental health in the last few months than getting in anxiety meds and also getting two kittens. Highly reccomend both. You literally cannot be sad or anxious when these things are in your house.

My god, if Kindergarten sends home one more completed worksheet I’m going to have to move into a storage unit because there simply won’t be any space left in our house.

What are you supposed to do if you see someone driving with their young kids not in a car seat or buckled in? Yesterday I saw a family get into a car and just hold their baby on their lap as they drove away 😬😬

You have to applaud them for this

www.the-pom.com/p/a-typical-... My husband has been out of town like every other week for a few months which should be illegal but instead of sending him to jail, I wrote this

I can’t believe @kristenmulrooney.bsky.social and I have never collaborated on a piece before but now we have!!! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

I didn’t get raptured, did you guys

I know ppl always joke about how it’s impossible to quit a gym but I just quit my gym and they made me fill out a form and walk to the directors office and HAND it to him in person and he frowned at me and said “you don’t like it here?” Should I just die

When people have a nickname that starts with a different letter than their name, that’s a different name. But when people have a nickname that starts with the same letter, that’s a nickname.

I just got a snack and found myself saying to myself, in my head, in an influencer voice “as a quick mid-morning snack I love to grab a prepared healthy salad from the fridge and pair it with my favorite seltzer! The quiona salad I made this week is packed with protein!” What’s wrong with me fr

I could never be an influencer bc sometimes I see influencers include like, their doctor or dentist in a video which means they had to ASK their doctor “Will you be in my IG video” and personally I’d rather die

After two years my kids finally agreed to watch a new movie beside Frozen 2, because they claimed every other movie was “too scary”. The movie they decided wasn’t too scary? The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Golden Girls is usually surprisingly progressive for the time but just watched the most confounding episode where they all talk about how their husbands cheated on them but it’s fine.

Sitting in Chik-fil-A and I’ve noticed something very interesting about the play place here. So the space is too small for adults to even sit in there, but it’s walled off behind a glass wall so everyone just deposits their kids in there and sits at a table. And guess what?

The Pom editors all had to ask Kristen what “bobble” meant she was rightfully embarrassed for us www.the-pom.com/p/stop-givin...

The Blessed Pinwheel of Cats

I’m so upset about this??????? What do you MEAN

My 16yo cat threatened to die over the addition of 2 kittens to our household (dramatic) but after a week, a $1000 ER visit and 5 different meds a day that must be administered on such a confusing schedule we had to write it down, she has decided to grace us by not dying and is now demanding treats

5yo: Mom, can I have Gatorade with breakfast? Me: No 2yo: I’ll get you Gatorade, Elliot! It’s in the fridge! *2yo walks over and gets a Gatorade from the fridge* 5yo: Are there any other flavors? 2yo: We have more in the basement! I’ll get it for you… I mean…what am I supposed to do????

I got *really* excited about this hotel pre-check-in option but then realized that it meant you'd be bringing your own pet, not that you'd be temporarily assigned one for your room. Dammit.

Once again I have clicked on a cute outfit being advertised to me only to find it is for a toddler.

Imagine misunderstanding Stepmom this badly

Help I’m in this (I’m the mom with the makeup bag)

I like how every ad for an AI product is like “are you a total idiot? We can help!” Like that one where the guy asks AI if his plant is leaning towards the window because…it hates him?

Im SO excited to talk to Amanda Uhle tonight at Politics and Prose!!! Fun fact: Amanda is my boss and Politics and Prose has been my local bookstore since I was BORN. Can’t explain how thrilling this is for me! Come see us! Her book is AMAZING btw politics-prose.com/amanda-uhle

My 16yo cat had to spend the night at the emergency vet last night for what turned out to be pancreatitis. She’s not doing well and I feel a bit like its my fault bc the kittens have stressed her out. But for a few days it was going so well! For one shining moment last week I had them ALL on my lap.

Ok here’s the thing. This is NOT a village. This is a nuclear family. By being like “we only need each other!” you’re not being cute, you’re enforcing the idea that women shouldn’t need any support outside of their own home, and if they do they’re failing. I hate this.

Going shopping today because every few months I decide I’m finally going to reclaim my style, spend money and get quality clothes I actually like and feel comfortable and stylish in after having kids and then end up buying discount soft pants from Old Navy and one $25 t-shirt from Madewell.

I truly feel someone should write an entire thesis on this post, like the levels of humble bragging should be studied

I don’t know what this means but I’m the only person in the vet waiting room and the tech just came in, selected Scooby Doo 2 on Netflix, looked at me, smiled, pressed start and walked away.

Website w giant flashing popup blocking what I want to see: WANT A SPECIAL 50% OFF JUST FOR YOU!???? PUT IN YOUR EMAIL!! Me: I mean ok I guess… Website: YOU ABSOLUTE BITCH. You HAG. We already HAVE your email!!! You did this BEFORE!! Are u trying to STEAL from us??? Should we call the POLICE???

Actual times my children have asked for a snack: -while we were currently at the dinner table, eating dinner -while I was cleaning up his sisters puke -1 seconds after we narrowly missed getting hit by a car on the highway

Great news: two year old woke up covered in puke. My husband is out of town. Should I just run away and start a new life or what

Completed the final boss of parenting young kids: went to a swim class with 5yo and 2yo kid where I also had to be in the water and then got all three of us changed out of wet bathing suits.

Last night after I went to bed my husband stayed up late and made homemade cinnamon rolls (from scratch!!) and woke up before me and popped them in the oven so when I woke up this morning there would be surprise fresh cinnamon rolls just bc a few days ago I mentioned I loved his cinnamon rolls.

It’s like how they keep trying to make Doritos different shapes and textures but sadly they knocked it out of the park the first time

My 5yo pointed out it doesn’t make sense that Buddy’s egg would hatch at the same time as the rest of the Pteranodon Family because he’s a different kind of dinosaur and probably it wasn’t laid at the same time like…he’s right. WTH, Dinosaur Train.

My five year old and I made this ghost wreath yesterday. I’ve decided every Monday is “crafternoon” in our house and this was our first project. Highly reccomend getting on anxiety meds if you need them bc I’m suddenly a new person who has the patience and will to do crafts with a 5yo.

This morning at preschool drop off a mom friend was rummaging through her car and I pulled up and asked if she was ok and she said she’d forgotten to pack her daughter a snack and had nothing to give her so I threw her an unopened bag of Cheezits through the window. This is being a village 🙏🏻

You won’t believe how many batteries you’ll need once you have children. For years I used 4 maybe 6 batteries a year and now I’m at Costco buying a pack of AAs every 6 months.

Oh no is there a small rip in the space time continuum, a bottomless black hole that reaches to the deepest depths of the universe in my chair? Oh no, wait, that’s just Ichabod.

Every day I think about the time my 2yo tried to do a forward roll to show off for a 5yo boy, flopped over on her side without having performed even half a forward roll and proudly said “I do gymnastics” and the boy goes “It doesn’t look like you do gymnastics” 😂

“Why did you have kids if you’re just going to complain about them” ok well I didn’t know they’d try to kill each other over who gets the green Play Doh

Every day I clean whole house, but every day whole is messy once again. Will investigate.

The best part about Frozen 2 is how I guess they couldn’t decide on an ending so they gave it three.

I gotta say having the CVS person unlock the beef jerky felt like a low point.

Ichabod is soooo pretty and exceptionally soft 😭😭😭

The kittens are so wild

I hate when IG fitness accounts are like “if you’re eating peanut butter, string cheese, and nuts and think you’re snacking healthy THINK AGAIN” and it’s like dear god please there are only so many foods