When I say you don’t know how truly unhinged Threads is until you’re on Threads, I mean it.

Just realized my 20 week sonogram (the big one where they show you the baby in detail and both parents go) is at the EXACT same time as the extremely competitive summer camp sign up I need my 5yo to get into. What a hilarious portrait of modern parenting.

"Was it morning or evening, my children would ask. Like the early days of post-partum, I had no idea, I could only guess by trying to carbon date the apple rinds left on the couch. The bite marks looked fresh. It must be morning." @clhubes.bsky.social in The Pom today www.the-pom.com/p/i-survived...

“You shouldn’t be happy your kids are going back to school! Don’t you enjoy spending time with them?” Well, yes but also this is how I work when they aren’t here.

Showed my 3yo The Lion King for the first time and she sat silently through the whole thing and then the only question she had was “Does Rafiki eat meat?”

The problem with pregnancy is eating food. Which is also the solution to pregnancy problems. It’s a very confusing loop from which you cannot escape from vomiting.

I wasn’t paying attention to my 2yo for like 7 minutes and she unrolled an entire roll of paper towels and spread them throughout the house. When I asked her why she did that she said “I was making a cat trap.” To be fair, she caught one.

Lindsay knocked it out of the park with her first guest post!!!!!

Sometimes I think about how lucky my kids are bc when they get a gift they often kind of forget about it immediately but if they were a pioneer child it would be the most important thing in their life, all the other pioneer children would be begging for one single touch of their raccoon Beanie Baby

Wow who wrote this????? Probably someone extremely funny and beautiful

We are finally grading our backyard next month so we can put up a swingset and I’m more excited than when we bought our house. This is the pinnacle of adulthood for me, I’m literally moving the EARTH to make a space for my children to play. I mean not me, several men with backhoes, but you know.

Searching for boy names and I may have stumbled upon the worst names I have ever encountered?

The worst thing about being pregnant is that I truly feel a glass of wine in a hot tub might fix everything but…

Everyone else is letting their kids just watch hours and hours of TV this week, right? No, forget it, I don’t care.

I hate being pregnant!!! I hate that all food tastes weird and I’m always itchy and I have to get up to pee three times a night!!!! I have so many children and cats and they all step on my boobs 700 times a day!!!! Why did I do this????? 😭😭

Christmas is so fun with little kids, but SO TIRING, especially pregnant, dear gos. 😭😭😭 and they’re just gonna be up at 6am again tomorrow.

I know it’s really not THAT complicated but something about trying to separate the Santa presents with special Santa wrapping paper that cannot be seen by the children and the “mom and dad” presents with the general use wrapping that CAN be seen breaks my brain every year.

Literally everyone I know is getting the stomach bug or the flu right now, so we pulled our kids out of school for the rest of the week. Idk anymore, I cannot do another Christmas lying on the couch dying while the children open presents. I do it every year 😭😭 NOT THIS YEAR

I had a dream I had my baby and she was a girl and had blonde hair and green eyes. I saw her so clearly! Has anyone ever accurately seen their future baby in a dream?

My two year old asked if we could roast marshmallows so I built a fire in the fireplace, got out the marshmallows and showed her how to roast them on a stick. She refused to roast them or eat them. Later, when asked what her favorite part of the day was, she replied “roasting marshmallows.”

We don’t have a ton of extra money right now but Id been seeing so many ppl do Angel Tree I decided I would spend my (relatively small) Christmas bonus to do one. I bought all the stuff and then got my bonus…it was twice as much as it normally is so I was able to get all the stuff AND got my money 🥹

My 17yo cat likely has cancer. I’ve had her since she was 4 weeks old. But I’m not gonna do any treatment or any tests to see if she does. She already has terminal kidney disease. Just going to keep her comfy and pain free until its time. I think being a good pet owner is knowing when to let them go

People who “loved being pregnant” must not have ever had the feeling of being 15 weeks and not being able to feel the baby kick but only being able to feel it kind of slosh around inside you like a little goldfish because 🤢

One thing they don’t tell you about being an adult with a house and kids and pets and a car is rarely does a week go by that I don’t have to unexpectedly pay $500 for something

Have been doing Christmas shopping for my own family of four, my parents, my brothers and SILs, various cousins, and a whole Angel Tree family of six. I need the secret government warehouse from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark to keep track of all this.

How can I describe being pregnant? Well I just cried in the grocery store because I’m so hungry but every food sounds so disgusting and finally settled on spaghetti (NOT any other shape bc even the SHAPES are disgusting) with Alfredo sauce mixed with pizza sauce (NOT marinara bc that’s disgusting).

I hate being pregnant so much. You truly forget how bad it is until you do it again.

This morning my 5yo referred to his hood as “a retractable hat” which sounds like he works for a start up that’s trying to shake up the hood industry

My 2yo asked for Pringles in the car yesterday on a road trip and I went to hand her some and she goes “no. I need the whole tube because I am a queen.”

My biggest pet peeve rn is when people post an IG story with a link to “enter your address if you want a Christmas card from me!” NO! I will not BEG for your holiday cheer. You should reach out to ME in a text awkwardly asking for my address and then have to engage in 15 minutes of text catch up.

I am extremely Cozy™️

POV: you have a 2yo daughter

Give Tom a medal

I have had a lot of pregnancy food aversions but the real problem is I have a pregnancy craving…for a food that does not exist. I can’t describe it but I would know it if I tasted it. It’s like…spicy and mustardy but also like salty and Korean-y and but NOT a cracker, not pasta and a little cheesy

Call me a bad parent all you want but I need these children out of my house tomorrow. We did Thanksgiving. We went to THREE museums this weekend. We cut down and decorated a Christmas Tree. Aside from the brief 9 hours they sleep, they have been with us all day for 5 days straight. I am TIRED.

What should I name my baby if it’s a boy??? All boy names are so bad.

The only good thing about being pregnant is that after lunch I eat another lunch

So we don’t want to find out the sex of the baby, but we did do the NIPT tests. Now tell me why they just PUT THE SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE REST OF THE RESULTS!! I was scrolling so slowly and suddenly got to it and had to SLAM my computer shut. They couldn’t put it in a different document????

I’m sorry but wtf is going ON on Threads?? Is it just bots having the most banal conversations back and forth for eternity?

I don’t get alll the upper blephs. There was nothing wrong with anyone’s blephs!!!!

The worst part of pregnancy is the first trimester because you feel absolutely terrible but you also can’t tell anyone so you’re just walking through the grocery store trying to pretend like you aren’t about to vomit because all the food is so disgusting.

About two months ago our mouse Mossy died and I literally couldn’t stop crying and I was like what’s wrong with me, it’s a mouse. Then I was like oh maybe I should take a pregnancy test. Anyway, what a hilarious way to find out I was pregnant. RIP Mossy but excited to be a mom of THREE in June 😬😬

If you own your house everything costs $700 everyday BUT you also can just paint a chalk wall in the kitchen on a whim

For me it was realizing they would be my responsibility all the time except for short stretches of time, but during those times they could theoretically come back to me at any moment. Like obviously I knew this, but in reality it’s like oh wait, but I wanted to binge watch TV all day???

I love ordering raw from a resturuant, just straight off their website on a crazy form that looks like they made it in MS Paint, no confirmation email, no text. Will my food arrive? Did they even get my order? No idea. What a thrill.

You guys have to get on Threads, it is WILD over there

I don’t feel like getting yelled at all day on Threads so trying so hard not to reply to a viral thread about a person being mad at parents at an outdoor brewery who were letting their kids run around and “not paying attention to them”, their proof being one kid fell down and no parent came to help.

Sorry I know it’s an unpopular opinion but I don’t think Christmas starts until December and even then I think Christmas events should start after the first week. I like a short but magical Christmas season!!!

My kids will NOT watch a new movie but they want to know the entire plot of the Lion King (but not watch it) and will not stop asking me rapid fire questions about it. My 5yo finally stumped me with “but are Scar and Mufasa from the same litter or different litters?”