Love being a woman on the internet.

My three year old keeps calling everyone a “wicked old pineapple”. I asked where she got it and she said “from Mitch and John’s Hotel” which, as you may remember from a previous post of mine, is the name of a TV show she made up.

I think this might be the funniest interaction I’ve ever had on social media

Do you guys think my baby is a boy or a girl???? I don’t know. I suspect girl because I’ve had a lot of migraines and have thrown up a lot and we already used the only boy name my husband and I agree on.

I’m so tired of people saying “you don’t even look pregnant!” I DO look pregnant. I have a massive belly. I look like I haven’t slept in days. I look terrible! Please tell me THAT. Tell me I look awful and tired and you want to let me lie down and feed me French fries while I weep.

When we bought our house we loved the whimsical backyard hill that led to the woods. Unfortunately we bought it in April, and did not realize it would be whimsically full of 4ft weeds by July, making it impossible for the kids to play! We finally got it re-graded! Putting up a play structure soon!

Officially into my third trimester today and it got me thinking: what if instead of having a job and cooking meals and taking care of my child, I just laid on the couch for the next 12 weeks?

My 3yo daughter has made up two fake TV shows she pretends to watch, they are called “Mitch and John’s Hotel” and “Bird of the Season” and tbh just from the titles alone I’d watch either of them.

Got their asses

I’m not sure if they did it on purpose or not but my dentists office is staffed entirely by women, not a single man works here, and there are fruity seltzers and coffee in the lobby for free and all the decor is calming greens and golds and everyone is so nice. I love the Girls Only Dentist.

The best hype person when you’re pregnant is my 3yo who has no concept of beauty standards because she keeps calling me “BIG MAMA!!!! Powerful and strong!!!!”

I asked my 3yo who her favorite was, her dad or her brother and she said her brother immediately. Then I asked which is her favorite was: snakes or lizards? She said she couldn’t decide 😂

Almost 27 weeks pregnant and all normal function is slipping away from me. If I have to go up and down stairs more than 3 times a day I will die. I forgot my purse at the bus stop because all brain blood has gone to uterus. Peeing myself every time I sneeze. I still have so many weeks to go.

Who wore it best in Miami Beach: me or this parking garage?

Special humiliation of going snorkeling 6m pregnant: I had to ask for the L wetsuit (same size as my husband) while the other woman tried on a small and the guide said “That one is too baggy! You need a smaller size!” and she said “I didn’t realize you had an XL!!!” Hers was hot pink…mine was blue 🫡

Got tickets to Hilary Duff on what will be my last night of maternity leave in August.💁🏼‍♀️💁🏼‍♀️💁🏼‍♀️💁🏼‍♀️

Honestly kind of obsessed with how insane Threads is

Look I get why they have to do this and it’s not their fault but our school district extended the year an extra week bc of snow days…a week into the very expensive summer camp I already pre-paid for 😭😭😭

People on Threads are the most miserable people on Earth, I swear. She just made up a whole scenario and then got mad about it 😂

When I say you don’t know how truly unhinged Threads is until you’re on Threads, I mean it.

Just realized my 20 week sonogram (the big one where they show you the baby in detail and both parents go) is at the EXACT same time as the extremely competitive summer camp sign up I need my 5yo to get into. What a hilarious portrait of modern parenting.

"Was it morning or evening, my children would ask. Like the early days of post-partum, I had no idea, I could only guess by trying to carbon date the apple rinds left on the couch. The bite marks looked fresh. It must be morning." @clhubes.bsky.social in The Pom today www.the-pom.com/p/i-survived...

“You shouldn’t be happy your kids are going back to school! Don’t you enjoy spending time with them?” Well, yes but also this is how I work when they aren’t here.

Showed my 3yo The Lion King for the first time and she sat silently through the whole thing and then the only question she had was “Does Rafiki eat meat?”

The problem with pregnancy is eating food. Which is also the solution to pregnancy problems. It’s a very confusing loop from which you cannot escape from vomiting.

I wasn’t paying attention to my 2yo for like 7 minutes and she unrolled an entire roll of paper towels and spread them throughout the house. When I asked her why she did that she said “I was making a cat trap.” To be fair, she caught one.

Lindsay knocked it out of the park with her first guest post!!!!!

Sometimes I think about how lucky my kids are bc when they get a gift they often kind of forget about it immediately but if they were a pioneer child it would be the most important thing in their life, all the other pioneer children would be begging for one single touch of their raccoon Beanie Baby

Wow who wrote this????? Probably someone extremely funny and beautiful

We are finally grading our backyard next month so we can put up a swingset and I’m more excited than when we bought our house. This is the pinnacle of adulthood for me, I’m literally moving the EARTH to make a space for my children to play. I mean not me, several men with backhoes, but you know.

Searching for boy names and I may have stumbled upon the worst names I have ever encountered?

The worst thing about being pregnant is that I truly feel a glass of wine in a hot tub might fix everything but…

Everyone else is letting their kids just watch hours and hours of TV this week, right? No, forget it, I don’t care.

I hate being pregnant!!! I hate that all food tastes weird and I’m always itchy and I have to get up to pee three times a night!!!! I have so many children and cats and they all step on my boobs 700 times a day!!!! Why did I do this????? 😭😭

Christmas is so fun with little kids, but SO TIRING, especially pregnant, dear gos. 😭😭😭 and they’re just gonna be up at 6am again tomorrow.

I know it’s really not THAT complicated but something about trying to separate the Santa presents with special Santa wrapping paper that cannot be seen by the children and the “mom and dad” presents with the general use wrapping that CAN be seen breaks my brain every year.

Literally everyone I know is getting the stomach bug or the flu right now, so we pulled our kids out of school for the rest of the week. Idk anymore, I cannot do another Christmas lying on the couch dying while the children open presents. I do it every year 😭😭 NOT THIS YEAR

I had a dream I had my baby and she was a girl and had blonde hair and green eyes. I saw her so clearly! Has anyone ever accurately seen their future baby in a dream?

My two year old asked if we could roast marshmallows so I built a fire in the fireplace, got out the marshmallows and showed her how to roast them on a stick. She refused to roast them or eat them. Later, when asked what her favorite part of the day was, she replied “roasting marshmallows.”

We don’t have a ton of extra money right now but Id been seeing so many ppl do Angel Tree I decided I would spend my (relatively small) Christmas bonus to do one. I bought all the stuff and then got my bonus…it was twice as much as it normally is so I was able to get all the stuff AND got my money 🥹

My 17yo cat likely has cancer. I’ve had her since she was 4 weeks old. But I’m not gonna do any treatment or any tests to see if she does. She already has terminal kidney disease. Just going to keep her comfy and pain free until its time. I think being a good pet owner is knowing when to let them go

People who “loved being pregnant” must not have ever had the feeling of being 15 weeks and not being able to feel the baby kick but only being able to feel it kind of slosh around inside you like a little goldfish because 🤢

One thing they don’t tell you about being an adult with a house and kids and pets and a car is rarely does a week go by that I don’t have to unexpectedly pay $500 for something

Have been doing Christmas shopping for my own family of four, my parents, my brothers and SILs, various cousins, and a whole Angel Tree family of six. I need the secret government warehouse from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark to keep track of all this.

How can I describe being pregnant? Well I just cried in the grocery store because I’m so hungry but every food sounds so disgusting and finally settled on spaghetti (NOT any other shape bc even the SHAPES are disgusting) with Alfredo sauce mixed with pizza sauce (NOT marinara bc that’s disgusting).

I hate being pregnant so much. You truly forget how bad it is until you do it again.

This morning my 5yo referred to his hood as “a retractable hat” which sounds like he works for a start up that’s trying to shake up the hood industry

My 2yo asked for Pringles in the car yesterday on a road trip and I went to hand her some and she goes “no. I need the whole tube because I am a queen.”