No Nut November here we goooooo (I lost my EpiPen)

People assume I'm a writer because I have something important to say but really I just love buying new office supplies.

Congrats to our own @kristenmulrooney.bsky.social for landing in @lukevburns.bsky.social & @jamesfolta.com ‘s newsletter this week 👰🏻‍♀️! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...

Starting to worry that the Dodgers didn't spend enough.

In The Pom today talking about the balance between childhood and today's absurd expectations for youth athletes. www.the-pom.com/p/im-trying-...

I particularly enjoyed this piece by @kristenmulrooney.bsky.social as someone whose 4yo loves dance and is ALREADY being recruited to the pre-competition team (link in replies)

This morning at 6:58am my son bottle flipped an entire jug of orange juice and it was somewhere around mid flip that he realized the cap was not on.

We had a different version of October Kiké but both versions are correct.

Texted my husband with my scheme for getting all three of our kids out of school, to the dentist, fed, and off to three different sports by 5:00pm and he responded "Ocean's Five," and honestly yes.

Kids are in disbelief at rumors that one of the schools in town banned ALL memes. They can't say 6-7, 41, OR 21. Cruel and unusual, absolutely egregious.

If you have home plate seats at the World Series and they catch your ass dinking around on your phone back there a big claw game thing should come down and pluck you up and out by the head.

Found a screenshot of me making a great point, yes the group chat is called Cunty Little Babies but just move past that

I have made an instructional video for the people wondering how it's possible for a short wife/tall husband couple to do this.

If you're a person I know in real life, it will take about 7 years for me to let my guard down and become friends with you. If you're a person who gets on the elevator with me, we will form an unbreakable bond by the time we reach the 6th floor.

My son wants to know why nobody has invented 3D glasses for real life yet? It would be really cool if the whole world was in 3D, he says. Nobody steal this idea!

Reasons the woman sitting next to me in the coffee shop hates her son's girlfriend: - "has celiac" - wore a glittery dress to homecoming and got glitter in the car - "looks sexual"

Nothing brings me more joy than seeing someone see themself on the Jumbotron, so here are some tips for making it up there. LET'S GET JUMBO. thebelladonnacomedy.com/ways-to-get-...

We're going to the basketball courts this weekend to determine if my claim that I can sink a half court shot with 5% accuracy is correct.

Google: "You have to buy more storage. Your storage is full because of the 200,000 photos you have saved. So you have to buy more." Me: Deletes 199,900 photos. Google: "What. No. That didn't- that didn't help. It's still full."

I cried laughing at the bit about the dog jumping a lot in episode 2 of The Chair Company. Very timely for me and such a specific and real thing AND THAT'S WHY I SAY FUCK AI BECAUSE WE NEED REAL NUANCED THINGS THAT ONLY A HUMAN COULD UNDERSTAND.

Last night Matt tried to kiss me, and I pick-and-rolled past him and ran for a pretend layup. Could tell by the look on his face that he's starting to worry I might be right about this, or maybe is thinking about divorcing me.

HIS AND HERS COFFEE MUGS: They're among the dozens of other broken-handled coffee mugs that remain in the dishwasher at all times.

I wrote a Where Are They Now? about my wedding gifts, ten years after the wedding for @mcsweeneys.net. ZOODLES?? www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...

I love a Game 7 and that was such a GOOD Game 7

I actually think Kristen Bell outsang Idina Menzel in Frozen. This is, of course, off the record.

Currently fighting with all my friends and family and colleagues

Went off about how baseball is the hardest sport because I could try the rest of my life to hit a fastball from an MLB pitcher and never do it, but I could definitely score on Lebron one on one, and apparently the man who married me doesn't think I could score on Lebron so now we're fighting.

This is the story of the part-time assistant job that became a 15-year friendship—and a lesson in love. Read my Vogue debut on what would’ve been Angie’s 100th birthday. www.vogue.com/article/my-t... 

My daughter leaned in close to my face for what I thought was a kiss, but she was actually just trying to smell my breath to find out what I was eating in case she wanted some.

You'd think that my house would be cleaner now that my dog is gone but it's actually more disgusting because none of us understand yet that if you drop food on the floor you have to clean it up.

Every day feels like it's my husband's first day living in our house. What do you mean where do we keep the dish towels??

Meteorological fact: No matter how cold it is, for example 46° right now, it is 80° at the soccer field.

Teams to take a 3-0 lead in any best-of-seven postseason series have gone on to win the series 40 of 41 times (97.6%), including 31 sweeps The only team to come all the way back after losing Games 1-3 was the 2004 Red Sox, in the ALCS against the Yankees

I did a bit at a comedy show about how the reason I got into comedy is because my dad died when I was a teenager, and then after the show roughly 40% of the other performers came up to me and said "Hey my dad died when I was a teenager too!" which is objectively the funniest punchline to that bit.

Today I have to do the scariest thing a person can do (read a book to my daughter's kindergarten class)

I honestly love the youths. Last night our babysitter was leaving at 9:30pm and she said she had to go home and work on her college app that's due October 15th. I said "WAIT THAT'S TODAY" and she said so calmly "Yeah I have until 11:59pm."

"Storming through the party like my name was El Niño" Ok well actually El Niño isn't so much a storm as it is a climate pattern

Reached a pivotal milestone with my middle schooler this morning: it is 32° and when he left for the bus stop he said "I don't really like coats" and left without one.

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

Yesterday morning I told @clhubes.bsky.social we were putting Buster down and she immediately DoorDashed us a dozen donuts and it was truly the world's greatest gift. We were so sad but afterward it was like well... should we have a donut? The kids came home from school and cried but then... donut?

My dog died yesterday morning and I can already tell you that not having a dog is so lonely, like I'm expected to just get up and walk to the fridge for a drink and then walk back to the couch BY MYSELF? Nobody's coming with me??

My biggest self-gaslight is when I'm alone and unencumbered at the airport and I see someone with their little kids and think to myself "I wish MY kids were here 🥺"

whenever i encounter people who say they can't understand shakespeare verses I always send them this clip from the 2019 Shakespeare in the Park production of Much Ado About Nothing

My toxic trait is I buy the airplane cookies at the store with my own money.

Yankees were a pleasure to hate watch this week 🙏🏻

Is an eldest daughter when the first-born child is a daughter or is it the first daughter of the siblings regardless of where she is in the birth order

Trying to explain to my 8-year-old gymnast that I can't do chin ups is so embarrassing. She's like "just pull yourself up?" and I'm like "I can't" and she's like "but just do it? Over and over again?"

Was searching my Twitter profile for something I once said about bananas and am honestly astonished by how frequently I used to tweet about bananas.

I've been obsessively working on a writing project for the past two weeks, to the point where I have to actively drag myself away from it at times because I love this work so much, and I just fully do not understand people using AI to "create." You're... skipping the fun part? Like what's the POINT?