But for real I'm 5'4" and none of these girls come within 5 inches of me in either direction, these jeggings are MAGIC!

It's annoying when my kids can't find their shoes, but it's absolutely enraging when they can find one shoe. WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR SHOES OFF IN TWO DIFFERENT PLACES

Just watched my son melt a mugful of ice cubes in the microwave and then drink it. Like ??

Matt sat down to do some work and then the dog barked one time so Matt got up to see what he wanted, then said "Since it's *impossible* to get any work done I'm going next door to have a drink with the neighbors." So proud of him, he really tried.

100% certain that some day my cause of death will be "fell down stairs carrying laundry," the only question is when

Suddenly realizing I have no idea if Big Bird is a boy or a girl

Wowww I'm usually not one to get ahead of a trend but I'm hearing a lot of the cool people are doing Covid right now. I'm hearing a lot of the cool people have been on the couch for several days. A lot of them got a big case of the sneezies.

My kids asked what my first school field trip was and I said to a box factory and then went into a story about how I snuck away and ended up on a TV show. Literally that same night they turned on a random episode of The Simpsons and it was this one. But they haven't questioned it??

Watching the first ep of ER now and the dramatic lighting is so funny, they're like "what if we practiced emergency medicine with just this one 15 watt lamp in the corner of the room."

So funny and cute when a kid starts kindergarten because at first it's like they're cosplaying being a real human.

Laughing at this very sweet scene from The Pitt because she's like "do you think *he* would forgive me?" and Robby's like "he totally would" but I have talked to guys before and realistically there's about an 80% chance he doesn't understand who she's talking about.

Imagine one singular pair of jeggings from the Walgreen's pharmacy that magically fit four girls even though some of them are very short and some of them are very tall, now imagine those four girls ON STAGE, like The Muppet Show if one pair of pants fit every muppet.

Oh I have Covid, now I feel silly 🤪

Narrator: she didn't fight it off she is so ill please send the Nyquil that looks like Windex

Found out that when my daughter's 3rd grade class is working on their cursive, the teacher puts on classical music and they "act fancy" for the entirety of the lesson.

I believe in SCIENCE except for that thing about how we absorb vitamin D from the sun through our skin, that sounds MADE UP 🫵

"Blowing coke feels crazy!" -5 year old blowing bubbles through a straw into my can of Coke

Filling out school picture order forms so I can pay $67 for the worst photos I've ever seen in my life.

Do you think unbending Clippy until he was a long piece of metal would be painful for him. Or do you think it would cause him to feel a great sense of relief

I am one washing-and-folding-clothes-that-were-already-clean-but-someone-was-too-lazy-to-put-them-away-in-their-drawers-so-they-just-threw-them-in-the-hamper away from a nervous breakdown.

I'm just trying to live my life in such a way that a song called "No One Mourns the Wicked" doesn't surge to the top of the Spotify charts when I die.

Often thinking about when I was a very pregnant teacher and my high school sophomores told me if we ever go into lockdown, I should move to the safest corner of the room right away and they would move the bookcase to barricade the door on their own. "You have the baby," they (babies) said.

Here's a little running tip, you think you need a Get Hype mix for your running playlist but you really just gotta play Bittersweet Symphony and other such melancholy bangers. Your run needs a NARRATIVE ARC.

Is it weird that I have a high school best friend, a college best friend, and a mom best friend who were all born on Elvis's birthday? Does it mean something ?

Doing this for sport at this point

Not YET, it's not TIME 😠

Just yelled OHHHHH DAAAMMMMN JEOPARDY TONIGHT to my husband if anyone was wondering if I'm at all cool or interesting to be around

"Do you have the flu?" - 5-year-old looking at my regular face

It's actually still fun to watch the Patriots play, they just have to market it as a comedy instead of a drama.

Who did this, let's collab

If you were the one who caught the ball, you would have caught the ball.

My favorite food is just a few tiny girl bites of my husband's sandwich, maybe 5 or 6 bites.

All the middle schoolers in our town!have to play an instrument so today I got my son a flute. He can't get it to make music and he keeps saying "are you sure this is a flute?" refusing to accept that maybe he doesn't know how to play the flute.

I wrote this during Covid five years ago when I was home with a baby, a two-year-old, and a four-year-old who was about to begin full-day remote kindergarten, which answers the age-old question "why am I like this?"

Not to be disgusting but my husband and I are sitting next to each other on the couch reading separate copies of the same book 🙄 Ugh

Made my Halloween costume 🏃🏻‍♀️

Once I tweeted that my 9-year-old son was secretly reading a book at the dinner table and I was actually so happy that he was that wrapped up in it and I was flooded with replies about how I should be reading to him and making him answer Study and Discussion questions

I've been ordering from the same sushi place since I moved into this house 12 years ago and I only recently discovered I've been earning points the whole time, and now I pretty much have endless free sushi.

My kids are on their third day of school and I have written a book proposal in iambic pentameter, outlined a ghost story, written a song, and learned to hit the notes that were too high for me in the song I wrote, if you're wondering what can happen when you GIVE A GIRL A MINUTE.

I took 4 ten-year-old boys to an amusement park and they kept yelling "six seven." I asked what it means and they rolled their eyes and said "it's a meme, it doesn't MEAN anything." Yes yes I am the idiot.

I just want to play with a baby elephant one time.

You ever do the thing where you need to get your eyebrows waxed but you wait another few weeks because if you let them get real fucked up they'll look extra good when you actually get them done 🤨

Beautiful 1860s Victorian butterfly, which was used to store small packets of sewing needles on the underside of the wings. This was a collaboration between a London-based drapers company and a sewing needle manufacturer. On exhibit at Tatter Blue, a Brooklyn textile museum. IG tatterbluelibrary

We found a newborn chipmunk on the pool deck a couple weeks ago. Can't stop thinking about her, I hope she is thriving 🥹

People who are wishing for someone's death right now should really watch their mouths, those things don't come true if you say it out loud

Whoa my son just broke the news to us that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are engaged, does anyone know if this is true

Just saw a video where a school teacher went on the intercom and announced Taylor swift got engaged. My school didn’t even tell us 9/11 had happened.

Crying a little bit because the bus driver we've had for the past 5 years celebrated as my youngest got on the bus for kindergarten and said she's been waiting for this day for me

Copying down the emergency contact info from the parent portal so I can fill out the mandatory emergency contact form so the school can put that info in the parent portal.

Let’s say it tasted as if they took the tea back out of the harbor.