Sarah Sweeney
@heysweeney.bsky.social
📤 1844
📥 233
📝 637
Writer (Vogue SlackJaw McSweeney’s NYT The Bold Italic) | Voice actor www.sweeneyproject.com
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You could be anywhere in the world, but you chose to be right here. Directly next to me. (Not pictured to my immediate right: Some guy)
10 months ago
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Let that sink in? Let that sink in?? My dude, there’s way too much sunk already. An endless supply of horrors sunk!
about 10 hours ago
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Crazy how a male shrug emoji exists like they’d admit to not knowing something
9 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Ygrene
11 days ago
potholes? you mean road turbulence? ?
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Sarah Sweeney
Why is Fear Factor still on? Like isn’t all ✨this✨ enough?
3 months ago
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@kibblesmith.com
Oh hey! Just noticed your lawyers, guns, and money hat. Awesome.
13 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Craig Thomas
14 days ago
If they lie this much about something caught on video, in broad daylight, just imagine what else they're lying about...
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Proud to announce I got my hair cut before desperately needing a haircut.
13 days ago
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2026 is back. This coffee was free thanks to my wit AND charm.
add a skeleton here at some point
14 days ago
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OoOoooOoooOohhh no one can see the podium!
14 days ago
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Me, pre-milkshake: Oooh! I’m gonna have a milkshake! Me, post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
15 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Wish me happy new year one more time
about 1 year ago
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Sarah Sweeney
2026 isn’t necessarily doomed, but first day back in office and someone microwaved fish.
16 days ago
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2026 isn’t necessarily doomed, but first day back in office and someone microwaved fish.
16 days ago
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No, I’m not perfect, but none of the spices in my kitchen are expired.
18 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Finish this sentence. I’ll start, “… through their feelings.”
over 1 year ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Weird how ya’ never see Richard Kind and Fozzie Bear in the same room
9 months ago
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Sarah Sweeney
How I find out my mother hates me
6 months ago
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So proud to announce, in my post-divorce era, I receive “Happy New Year!” texts from men with whom I’ve had one (1) date.
20 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Winter Wonderland was written by a woman because “are you listening?!” is in literally the first line.
30 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
At my mom’s going through some old paperwork
23 days ago
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At my mom’s going through some old paperwork
23 days ago
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@marykoco.bsky.social
hey, hi, your tweet lives in my phone, life changing. Thank you for it.
25 days ago
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I cannot with your matching jammies.
25 days ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Not to fuck you guys up, but like, reindeer? They’re a real animal.
29 days ago
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Not to fuck you guys up, but like, reindeer? They’re a real animal.
29 days ago
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I am more than 40 years old and still have no idea if there is egg in eggnog.
30 days ago
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The Home Alone house sure had a curious number of mannequins on hand.
30 days ago
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Winter Wonderland was written by a woman because “are you listening?!” is in literally the first line.
30 days ago
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Did not expect Walter Cronkite and David Blaine on our Epstein bingo card
about 1 month ago
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Not to brag, but at my company holiday party, I asked the DJ to turn it down a scosh.
about 1 month ago
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Honestly iPhone, no need to enhance LinkedIn with 5G
about 1 month ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Travis comma bitch
about 1 month ago
Me (an hour before I want to eat): well, time to start dinner My recipe:
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I can’t explain it but Herbal Essence shampoo smells like My So-Called Life
about 2 months ago
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Happy birthday, Jay-Z! Sorry I wrote this!
@mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wor...
loading . . .
Words Jay-Z Intersperses in Songs As He Approaches Fifty
Uhh… What? Extra strength Tylenol Yes Lumbar support What? Safety features Uhh… uhh… Electric light bill What? The Frick Collection Lipitor Yes Arc...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/words-jay-z-intersperses-in-songs-as-he-approaches-fifty
about 2 months ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Sometimes when I see a spider in my apartment I say to it, “okay, you can stay, BUT NO BABIES!”
about 2 months ago
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Thank you for coming to the office sick. No, no, I’m delighted to wear a mask for eight hours so you may socialize IRL.
about 2 months ago
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Sometimes when I see a spider in my apartment I say to it, “okay, you can stay, BUT NO BABIES!”
about 2 months ago
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Sarah Sweeney
I miss the era of my life when Lisa Loeb followed me on Twitter. Anyone else have a case of the wistful 2019s?
5 months ago
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Sarah Sweeney
Look, if your dating app opener is this question, I have no choice but to reply “your mom”
about 1 year ago
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Just said to some lentils in a witch voice, "you're next, get in!" and I dumped them into this soup.
about 2 months ago
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::scrolls the length of a memoir before the big reveal: how much butter this potato recipe calls for::
about 2 months ago
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Pretty sure Vegas is just a town of women whose feet are sore. Heels, this is a stiletto heels observation.
2 months ago
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A New Yorker lands in Las Vegas ::checks hotel distance from airport:: Ohh, 1.5 miles. I could walk it.
2 months ago
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You’re not gonna believe me, guy seated behind me on this flight, but the screen you’re jamming your finger into is connected to my seat which is connected to my skull
2 months ago
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@daveweasel.bsky.social
hey man, long time no twitter, good to see you again
2 months ago
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As far as corporate America goes, we’re done for the year, right?
2 months ago
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Sarah Sweeney
McSweeney's
2 months ago
We hope your decorative gourds are still kicking ass on your porch or mantel or in your all-gourd reenactments of 'Diff’rent Strokes' eps.
#BLAMMO
loading . . .
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...
https://buff.ly/NmZLFTX
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Heading home, can you guys remind me there’s a salad in my backpack?
2 months ago
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Sarah Sweeney
frovo
3 months ago
*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please
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Sarah Sweeney
Horror shouldn’t be a genre allowed on flights. Like, hey seatmate, I can’t go read in the other room while you watch your stabby stab 10-inches from my face.
3 months ago
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