Let that sink in? Let that sink in?? My dude, there’s way too much sunk already. An endless supply of horrors sunk!

Crazy how a male shrug emoji exists like they’d admit to not knowing something

potholes? you mean road turbulence? ?

Why is Fear Factor still on? Like isn’t all ✨this✨ enough?

@kibblesmith.com Oh hey! Just noticed your lawyers, guns, and money hat. Awesome.

If they lie this much about something caught on video, in broad daylight, just imagine what else they're lying about...

Proud to announce I got my hair cut before desperately needing a haircut.

2026 is back. This coffee was free thanks to my wit AND charm.

OoOoooOoooOohhh no one can see the podium!

Me, pre-milkshake: Oooh! I’m gonna have a milkshake! Me, post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Wish me happy new year one more time

2026 isn’t necessarily doomed, but first day back in office and someone microwaved fish.

2026 isn’t necessarily doomed, but first day back in office and someone microwaved fish.

No, I’m not perfect, but none of the spices in my kitchen are expired.

Finish this sentence. I’ll start, “… through their feelings.”

Weird how ya’ never see Richard Kind and Fozzie Bear in the same room

How I find out my mother hates me

So proud to announce, in my post-divorce era, I receive “Happy New Year!” texts from men with whom I’ve had one (1) date.

Winter Wonderland was written by a woman because “are you listening?!” is in literally the first line.

At my mom’s going through some old paperwork

At my mom’s going through some old paperwork

@marykoco.bsky.social hey, hi, your tweet lives in my phone, life changing. Thank you for it.

I cannot with your matching jammies.

Not to fuck you guys up, but like, reindeer? They’re a real animal.

Not to fuck you guys up, but like, reindeer? They’re a real animal.

I am more than 40 years old and still have no idea if there is egg in eggnog.

The Home Alone house sure had a curious number of mannequins on hand.

Winter Wonderland was written by a woman because “are you listening?!” is in literally the first line.

Did not expect Walter Cronkite and David Blaine on our Epstein bingo card

Not to brag, but at my company holiday party, I asked the DJ to turn it down a scosh.

Honestly iPhone, no need to enhance LinkedIn with 5G

Me (an hour before I want to eat): well, time to start dinner My recipe:

I can’t explain it but Herbal Essence shampoo smells like My So-Called Life

Happy birthday, Jay-Z! Sorry I wrote this! @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wor...

Sometimes when I see a spider in my apartment I say to it, “okay, you can stay, BUT NO BABIES!”

Thank you for coming to the office sick. No, no, I’m delighted to wear a mask for eight hours so you may socialize IRL.

Sometimes when I see a spider in my apartment I say to it, “okay, you can stay, BUT NO BABIES!”

I miss the era of my life when Lisa Loeb followed me on Twitter. Anyone else have a case of the wistful 2019s?

Look, if your dating app opener is this question, I have no choice but to reply “your mom”

Just said to some lentils in a witch voice, "you're next, get in!" and I dumped them into this soup.

::scrolls the length of a memoir before the big reveal: how much butter this potato recipe calls for::

Pretty sure Vegas is just a town of women whose feet are sore. Heels, this is a stiletto heels observation.

A New Yorker lands in Las Vegas ::checks hotel distance from airport:: Ohh, 1.5 miles. I could walk it.

You’re not gonna believe me, guy seated behind me on this flight, but the screen you’re jamming your finger into is connected to my seat which is connected to my skull

@daveweasel.bsky.social hey man, long time no twitter, good to see you again

As far as corporate America goes, we’re done for the year, right?

We hope your decorative gourds are still kicking ass on your porch or mantel or in your all-gourd reenactments of 'Diff’rent Strokes' eps. #BLAMMO

Heading home, can you guys remind me there’s a salad in my backpack?

*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please

Horror shouldn’t be a genre allowed on flights. Like, hey seatmate, I can’t go read in the other room while you watch your stabby stab 10-inches from my face.