(opens envelope) goddammit i'm the new James Bond

"I wholeheartedly consider myself to be in an ongoing, ruthless competition with every woman on earth, and I’m going to win. I’m going to be the Best Woman."

I never wanted to have kids, but that hasn’t stopped me telling strangers on the subway, “get ya’feet off the furniture!”

I never wanted to have kids, but that hasn’t stopped me telling strangers on the subway, “get ya’feet off the furniture!”

is it just me or does being a daughter, mother, sister, partner, friend, employee, community member, volunteer, while keeping a clean home, clean body, healthy, saving for the future, fixing current problems, managing schedules, finding joy but also rest, feel like too much for every single day?

What’s everybody doing?

Ok what time and day of the week do I schedule a doc appt so I can be seen within an hour of arriving?

If you didn’t post a selfie, did the haircut even happen?

I can't stop laughing at this post. It's perfect.

“We Interviewed Two Hundred Childless Women, and Every Single One Was Doing Something Fun”

America is in such a shambles that people are actively rooting for TSA, an organization that normally has the same approval rating as athlete's foot.

Crazy how a male shrug emoji exists like they’d admit to not knowing something

Hi from a flight to Atlanta where a woman boarding pointed to my empty window seat and was like, “hi, can I sit with you?” Like… what?

I want to live in a world where “ask” is only used as a verb.

I want to live in a world where “ask” is only used as a verb.

Hi from a flight to Atlanta where a woman boarding pointed to my empty window seat and was like, “hi, can I sit with you?” Like… what?

Why’s the baby got arms like my junior high woodshop teacher?

I just want to live in a world where no one uses “ask” as a noun and AI doesn’t exist

Are we sure about the way we spell vacuum?

“Why would you bring a gun to a protest?” Pal, there are people who bring AR’s to the grocery store and you’re totally cool with that so maybe sit this one out.

"You look around and think, 'Yep, this is it. Paramilitary deportations, apocalyptic foreign policy, and private corporations looting the federal government. This has to be the Fourth Reich.' Not so fast. It’s only the Fourth Reich if it comes from the Reich region of Germany."

okay hear me out

Just because you can, Verizon, doesn’t mean you should.

Let that sink in? Let that sink in?? My dude, there’s way too much sunk already. An endless supply of horrors sunk!

Let that sink in? Let that sink in?? My dude, there’s way too much sunk already. An endless supply of horrors sunk!

Crazy how a male shrug emoji exists like they’d admit to not knowing something

potholes? you mean road turbulence? ?

Why is Fear Factor still on? Like isn’t all ✨this✨ enough?

@kibblesmith.com Oh hey! Just noticed your lawyers, guns, and money hat. Awesome.

If they lie this much about something caught on video, in broad daylight, just imagine what else they're lying about...

Proud to announce I got my hair cut before desperately needing a haircut.

2026 is back. This coffee was free thanks to my wit AND charm.

OoOoooOoooOohhh no one can see the podium!

Me, pre-milkshake: Oooh! I’m gonna have a milkshake! Me, post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Wish me happy new year one more time

2026 isn’t necessarily doomed, but first day back in office and someone microwaved fish.

2026 isn’t necessarily doomed, but first day back in office and someone microwaved fish.

No, I’m not perfect, but none of the spices in my kitchen are expired.

Finish this sentence. I’ll start, “… through their feelings.”

Weird how ya’ never see Richard Kind and Fozzie Bear in the same room

How I find out my mother hates me

So proud to announce, in my post-divorce era, I receive “Happy New Year!” texts from men with whom I’ve had one (1) date.

Winter Wonderland was written by a woman because “are you listening?!” is in literally the first line.

At my mom’s going through some old paperwork

At my mom’s going through some old paperwork

@marykoco.bsky.social hey, hi, your tweet lives in my phone, life changing. Thank you for it.

I cannot with your matching jammies.

Not to fuck you guys up, but like, reindeer? They’re a real animal.

Not to fuck you guys up, but like, reindeer? They’re a real animal.

I am more than 40 years old and still have no idea if there is egg in eggnog.