I got so close to washing my hair just now. Dangerously close

I'm at the point in my life where I can't give you another dime if your business model is, "Put others out of business." I've watched Amazon ruin lives (not an exaggeration) to increase their profit margin in a particular sector by 0.0001%. I'm done. If Prime is the only place I can watch a movie,

"Would you like me to 'Summarize this email,' you lazy, soft-brained, daytime TV-watching fool?"

One day I hope to be as kind to myself as a male stand-up comedian from Austin or Denver deciding the audience isn't laughing because they're offended

Actually, to me, the First Lady of France is a far more beautiful woman than Candace, in fact, it’s not even close!

No one wants to hear a teaser of your podcast episode before your podcast episode starts

“trump derangement syndrome” is like “lou gehrig’s disease”

Connotation. That’s the word I was trying to think of a week and a half ago

Why is Netflix raising my fee, didn't they JUST get $3 billion for NOT buying a thing

(Chiding) This is why we can’t have targeted ads, Instagram

I like how every time Trump offers up a scapegoat and someone gets fired we act like it’s a win, and not the plan

Pretty sure Tubi’s gonna ruin my life

The cat just crawled onto my lap, then promptly bit one of my fingers. Rational

Walked into the room and forgot what you were gonna post

I really like to pat myself on the back when I eat healthy. I also really like to pat myself on the back when I get Burger King on the way home to treat myself

"Behavior can be understandable without being acceptable" - someone's therapist

SNL's getting good, now that they just rip off Tim Robinson's sketches every week

Lmao at my bank asking me to confirm my income. I never told you my income, bitch!

I feel like Trump is one missed nap away from calling me “oriental”

I finally redesigned my website after digging through volumes of my work for months. While I allowed myself to feel a bit of pride in my accomplishments, I was alternately overwhelmed by the quantity of decades of work while feeling insignificant in the face of current events. www.jeremyarambulo.com

The goalie, classically known as "the afterthought of the team," is actually a quite important position in hockey; sometimes even altering the outcome of the game.

Wearing a scarf inside like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory grandparents. I know you want this life

I've canceled my last subscribe & save after I realized Amazon is so evil on a cellular level that they will make it impossible to align deliveries to avoid their customers saving more - also, this logic is pretty sound:

Thing I learned this week: if ur v v sick and out of the PM meds, a nice, big, beautiful ibuprofen can put you to sleep way better

Just saw a commercial for a book

Typical Mom text: My dentist Dr. Kapp is VERY good if you need dentist. He will be booked for the next 6 months - make appointment NOW. Tell him you are my daughter. Lmk if you make the appt. me: Thanks Mom I have a dentist! Mom: At dinner for the next 1 hr. Can’t read or respond to text.

In New Orleans they call boarding groups with local flare like, “E as in étouffe.” That is so clever!! Would love to be a Seattle flight attendant rn like, “Group A as in Amazon funds ICE”

“We are still looking for volunteers to check their overhead bags” Wow, cool hobby. Thanks for sharing that?

It is clearer and clearer with each update that Apple programmers don't actually use their own products

My cousin and I had a very opinionated 10 minute conversation about Paul Thomas Anderson, and we were both talking about Wes Anderson

I wanna make a new movie about the Black Sox Scandal

So embarrassing being part of a country whose top priority is...colonization? I don't even know if that's the right word for it because it's 2026

Gotta love the confidence of a cat to crawl onto your lap uninvited and straight up FALL ASLEEP. Like whatever you were doing next is so not important, trust me, I am so certain of it I’ve fallen into a profound deep sleep

I don’t really like this game of waiting three years to find out when exactly Trump will declare martial law, what excuses he’ll use to do it, and how many of us will die when that happens

If you can afford to, we really should be rewarding the few Dems who are brave enough to stand up to dictatorship in tactical ways. These days, you’re not getting my money unless you’re doing shit like this.

Sorry I can’t come to work today I have to mentally reorganize the universe

Maybe we get so emotionally attached to our cars because we still think it’s a horse, just like we think the walls creaking at night is a panther in the bushes

This is GREAT AND VERY FAST

Misery, directed by Rob Reiner, is without a doubt one of the best movies of all time.

I love when a dog’s ear is inside out

Today's Wordle is not quite legit

You can change the bedsheet on your bed without taking off literally any of the crap you have on there. If you can't do it, don't blame me. it's just you not believing in your dreams enough

Every time my cat touches my keyboard it’s like WARNING: root access granted

I had to download TikTok today because I kept getting texts that my aunt Kitte from Missoula went viral

Expedia is such a wonderful website. The time-saving assumption that I will be leaving my carry-on in the city I am flying to, and that I'd LOVE to be shown flights with no carry-on option for the second half of a round-trip is delightfully efficient; and whichever coder has the the whole thing

Wordle is legit today.

The only real agreements exist in science.

Cat, who goes to the bathroom in a litter box, has adorable new habit of batting my mouth with a paw while I’m asleep. Then after I’ve washed my face and managed to get back to sleep, she’ll do it again 🥰