Wearing a scarf inside like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory grandparents. I know you want this life

I've canceled my last subscribe & save after I realized Amazon is so evil on a cellular level that they will make it impossible to align deliveries to avoid their customers saving more - also, this logic is pretty sound:

Thing I learned this week: if ur v v sick and out of the PM meds, a nice, big, beautiful ibuprofen can put you to sleep way better

Just saw a commercial for a book

Typical Mom text: My dentist Dr. Kapp is VERY good if you need dentist. He will be booked for the next 6 months - make appointment NOW. Tell him you are my daughter. Lmk if you make the appt. me: Thanks Mom I have a dentist! Mom: At dinner for the next 1 hr. Can’t read or respond to text.

In New Orleans they call boarding groups with local flare like, “E as in étouffe.” That is so clever!! Would love to be a Seattle flight attendant rn like, “Group A as in Amazon funds ICE”

“We are still looking for volunteers to check their overhead bags” Wow, cool hobby. Thanks for sharing that?

It is clearer and clearer with each update that Apple programmers don't actually use their own products

My cousin and I had a very opinionated 10 minute conversation about Paul Thomas Anderson, and we were both talking about Wes Anderson

I wanna make a new movie about the Black Sox Scandal

So embarrassing being part of a country whose top priority is...colonization? I don't even know if that's the right word for it because it's 2026

Gotta love the confidence of a cat to crawl onto your lap uninvited and straight up FALL ASLEEP. Like whatever you were doing next is so not important, trust me, I am so certain of it I’ve fallen into a profound deep sleep

I don’t really like this game of waiting three years to find out when exactly Trump will declare martial law, what excuses he’ll use to do it, and how many of us will die when that happens

If you can afford to, we really should be rewarding the few Dems who are brave enough to stand up to dictatorship in tactical ways. These days, you’re not getting my money unless you’re doing shit like this.

Sorry I can’t come to work today I have to mentally reorganize the universe

Maybe we get so emotionally attached to our cars because we still think it’s a horse, just like we think the walls creaking at night is a panther in the bushes

This is GREAT AND VERY FAST

Misery, directed by Rob Reiner, is without a doubt one of the best movies of all time.

I love when a dog’s ear is inside out

Today's Wordle is not quite legit

You can change the bedsheet on your bed without taking off literally any of the crap you have on there. If you can't do it, don't blame me. it's just you not believing in your dreams enough

Every time my cat touches my keyboard it’s like WARNING: root access granted

I had to download TikTok today because I kept getting texts that my aunt Kitte from Missoula went viral

Expedia is such a wonderful website. The time-saving assumption that I will be leaving my carry-on in the city I am flying to, and that I'd LOVE to be shown flights with no carry-on option for the second half of a round-trip is delightfully efficient; and whichever coder has the the whole thing

Wordle is legit today.

The only real agreements exist in science.

Cat, who goes to the bathroom in a litter box, has adorable new habit of batting my mouth with a paw while I’m asleep. Then after I’ve washed my face and managed to get back to sleep, she’ll do it again 🥰

team mascot trying to commit suicide with a t-shirt cannon

Today’s Wordle is partially legit.

It’s so dope that’s it’s dark at 4:45p now. Suck it, dayheads!

Wordle is extremely not legit by definition today

Wordle is not legit today

When my therapist explained that I am not responsible for how someone responds to my "no" and I can't regulate their response but I am responsible for a "yes" I did not mean or the feelings associated with saying "yes" when you want to say "no" it rewired a part of my brain.

Thank you (sincerely) to whoever is picking me and my cousin up at the Burbank airport at 8:05pm.

Hey ppl flying with babies - where u going? To your job at the bad decision factory?

good news: I don’t have cervical cancer! bad news: I wrote a short film about it. and to make things even worse, I launched a crowdfunding campaign to try and make it a real short film. GIRLIE is live at girlieshort.com. “check it out”????

In a historic event, Trump actually pays contractors for the first time! (jk, it’s us who will pay them)

tRy OuR nEw AI fEaTuReS lmao no thank you! no thank you, you unbelievable fucking loser lmao. no thank you hahaha

I shouldn't have to press shift to get the colon. Shift should be for the semicolon. Bitch, you are no one's first choice

Mental status: I have this tab open and just place it over emails i don't wanna respond to. if this tab closed i would simply die

Idiocracy's happening a little early, no?

If I worked for KFC marketing I would constantly be trying to get them to reach out to Dave Grohl to collaborate on a limited edition cole slaw called Grohl Slaw

The new Galaxy Z Fold.

I need someone to play Pilfer with me #tgif

My cousin has this Trader Joe’s “Wine Country” chicken salad in the fridge that I’m gonna eat every last bite of when I get home

It is so awesome that a relevant topic in our national discourse now is “concentration camp vs death camp”

I tweeted the wrong thing twice. Fourth time’s a charm

*actively eating a huge thing of nachos* why won't this zit on my face go away, i don't get it

I am getting the word out and engaging my community about my event or business. I am building excitement by getting a conversation going