Expedia is such a wonderful website. The time-saving assumption that I will be leaving my carry-on in the city I am flying to, and that I'd LOVE to be shown flights with no carry-on option for the second half of a round-trip is delightfully efficient; and whichever coder has the the whole thing

Wordle is legit today.

The only real agreements exist in science.

Cat, who goes to the bathroom in a litter box, has adorable new habit of batting my mouth with a paw while I’m asleep. Then after I’ve washed my face and managed to get back to sleep, she’ll do it again 🥰

team mascot trying to commit suicide with a t-shirt cannon

Today’s Wordle is partially legit.

It’s so dope that’s it’s dark at 4:45p now. Suck it, dayheads!

Wordle is extremely not legit by definition today

Wordle is not legit today

When my therapist explained that I am not responsible for how someone responds to my "no" and I can't regulate their response but I am responsible for a "yes" I did not mean or the feelings associated with saying "yes" when you want to say "no" it rewired a part of my brain.

Thank you (sincerely) to whoever is picking me and my cousin up at the Burbank airport at 8:05pm.

Hey ppl flying with babies - where u going? To your job at the bad decision factory?

good news: I don’t have cervical cancer! bad news: I wrote a short film about it. and to make things even worse, I launched a crowdfunding campaign to try and make it a real short film. GIRLIE is live at girlieshort.com. “check it out”????

In a historic event, Trump actually pays contractors for the first time! (jk, it’s us who will pay them)

tRy OuR nEw AI fEaTuReS lmao no thank you! no thank you, you unbelievable fucking loser lmao. no thank you hahaha

I shouldn't have to press shift to get the colon. Shift should be for the semicolon. Bitch, you are no one's first choice

Mental status: I have this tab open and just place it over emails i don't wanna respond to. if this tab closed i would simply die

Idiocracy's happening a little early, no?

If I worked for KFC marketing I would constantly be trying to get them to reach out to Dave Grohl to collaborate on a limited edition cole slaw called Grohl Slaw

The new Galaxy Z Fold.

I need someone to play Pilfer with me #tgif

My cousin has this Trader Joe’s “Wine Country” chicken salad in the fridge that I’m gonna eat every last bite of when I get home

It is so awesome that a relevant topic in our national discourse now is “concentration camp vs death camp”

I tweeted the wrong thing twice. Fourth time’s a charm

*actively eating a huge thing of nachos* why won't this zit on my face go away, i don't get it

I am getting the word out and engaging my community about my event or business. I am building excitement by getting a conversation going

It’s giving Gavin Belson

No, I didn’t

hey man what are you up to, want to get something unbelievably stupid at a coffee place

Not sorry……………had to 🧩 Puzzle #692 🤔 5 guesses ⏱️ 1m 6s 🔗 alphaguess.com

(Grudgingly) Wordle is legit today

"Popular With Friends" and it's just photos of all of your friends and not you

The watermelon Red Bull tastes exactly like a Jolly Rancher. No further questions at this time

Whoever did it, kind of insane to send me an email about a movie that makes it into my main inbox

Yeah idk what you guys are on, but the president can’t just saddle his main donor with all his negative political capital just bc he’s on the spectrum. Everything he’s done, he was acting under the president’s explicit authority, grace, and negligence

Lmao Gmail "Set a Home Address" k you're my embarrassing, ill-named email address from 1998. i literally would not tell you my middle name even if i had no one else in the world to talk to

I am very tired of all the evil

I don't want any birthday presents unless they can directly alleviate the excruciating lower back pain I got this year from "prolonged sitting"

AI has a better take on this than you, actually

Making an album in my camera roll for bug bite progression.

Taxes are like your subscription fee to being alive

I think "stalker rock" is a good new music genre

Okay Robinhood, you can stop sending me notifications now. I get it

It’s the stupid, economy.

you know things are going well when they break out the turnip photos

These captchas are so shitty there is no way they weren't designed by a robot tbh

Flossed my teeth then immediately ate a Hershey's kiss

“mistakenly deported” oh you mean kidnapped by a govt, aka a war crime

no sweetie its okay your 401k is in heaven now 🖤