sometimes I will be sitting minding my own business and my brain whispers "your friend Palpatine & your pal Friendpatine"

Ah, the last day of the month. Happy Campaign Fundraising Text Message Every 42 Seconds Day to those who celebrate!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

The most unrealistic thing about Home Alone is that Kevin cleans up the house

“When I grow up, you have to tell me if you’re Santa, so I can make sure to get presents if there is not a Santa. I think it’s like fifty-fifty.” -6yo, displaying an amazing combo of mathematical understanding and belief in magical things

6yo: Can I try your coffee? Me: Sure thing, kiddo, but just a small sip. 6yo: *takes big sip* *spits big sip directly back into mug*

Please be advised that all the house numbers in Kevin McAllister’s neighborhood start with 67, and the criminals read them out about 20 minutes into the movie.

Causing mild chaos at the kids’ open session at the ninja warrior gym by periodically yelling out 6-7

This is just to say I have binned the condiments that were in the back of the fridge and which we could not possibly have been saving for any discernible purpose I ask no forgiveness They were antique so cold and so impossibly past their use-by dates.

Full Thanksgiving meal: ✅ Dessert with multiple messy treats: ✅ Both of our kids’ napkins: sitting unused where they were placed during the setting of the table

When does an asteroid become meteor? When it has tryptophan in it. You’re welcome

When they let you choose your own turkey trot bib number and you want to show you’re down with the latest trends

The kids are arguing over whether it’s possible for someone to smell their own breath the same as other people smell it. Good work, team

This is my child. One of these days I hope she’ll develop an appreciation for all the foods, but until then… #jokesters

Love it when the kids argue over one getting in the frame of the other's imaginary TV interview

My 7 year old: thanksgiving sounds like a lot of work. 
Me: it's tradition. 
7yo: hot dogs are also tradition if we start now.

There are tool wolves inside you...

The short pre-Thanksgiving work week always seems like chaos. Meetings abruptly canceled, people just slapping out-of-office replies up without warning, long-silent people popping up out of the blue with answers to questions you don’t remember asking it’s been so long. A little chaos, as a treat

6yo: Mom told me I could! Me: No, she didn’t. 6yo: Yes, she did! I heard her with my own eyes!

🎶 Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul, I wanna see moss drift into a black hole And be ok

*chanting* Crossover! Crossover! Crossover!

6yo said that Caleb said that the tooth fairy isn’t real and it’s just parents, and she demanded we answer and “be honest.” My wife and I threw every possible stall tactic and non-answer we could think of at her for 5 long minutes until she moved off the topic. It was very close. Damn you, Caleb

Looks like I’ve been on bluesky a year now. Crazy. It’s been fun hanging out with you dirty skeet-mongers (complimentary)

6yo: Can I have chocolate milk? Me: No, you’ve had a lot of it lately. You can have regular milk. 6yo: Fine. I’ll have regular milk. Just put a little chocolate in it. Me: …

Ah, to wake up to the soothing sounds of your kids down the hall loudly singing the Phineas and Ferb theme song at 5:50 on a Saturday morning

"This is the last time I'm going to tell you that you need to put away the toys you took out," he lied

7yo: Dad can we go to Shake Shack for dinner? Me: No, we just went there on Monday 7yo: Pleeeeease Me: No, we're not going to do that 7yo: You're not hearing my feedback. Reopen this issue so that others can weigh in, and also commit to a timeline for reconsidering this Me: Who taught you that?

My kid and I have this ritual every morning They ask for hot chocolate I make them the hot chocolate They Don't drink The hot chocolate *And scene*

I have eaten the Oreos that contained Oreos and which you were probably going to crumble into Oreo crumbles Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so Oreo

Parents everywhere: Cool. The Scholastic Book Fair! The kids will have fun choosing new books to read. Kids everywhere: I MUST HAVE THIS GLITTER-FILLED UNICORN ERASER AND A LOCKABLE DIARY WITH SHINY DRAGON SCALES!

Where do all the water bottles my kids lose end up?

“Daddddd…[long pause…what’s coming?]…did you know there are infinity fish?” -6yo, philosophically

Breaking: 10yo is currently trying to explain supply and demand to 6yo, who is excitedly making inventory for a guitar pick stand

🎶 Blinded by the light Aaron Rodgers gushes about ‘incredible’ mystery wife

Well, that's weird, but I hope the scientists' injuries weren't too serious www.cnn.com/2025/11/04/s...

Sometimes when the kids are arguing I will yell over them "THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT ARGUMENT. PLEASE KEEP GOING." This has maybe a 25% success rate. But tonight, my wife and I were arguing, and 6yo busts out "THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT ARGUMENT. PLEASE KEEP GOING." 🔥🔥🔥 Well done, my young apprentice

I keep accidentally buying ice cream that my kids don’t like and then having to eat it myself because no one else will, over and over again

Embarrassing parenting opinion: “Raining Tacos” is an absolute bop that I enjoy listening to

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan* 6yo: Can I bring this rock with us? Parent: Yeah, I guess. 6yo: And this one? Parent: Uhhh.. 6yo: And these sticks and this bone? Parent: Well, I thi- 6yo: And you need to carry them for me. Parent: *invents sedentary society*

Tootsie Rolls are the La Croix of Halloween candy

Putting in my mouth guard* as I get ready to get in the ring** for my big fight*** * night guard ** bed *** sleepytime

Stuck in the car with my two youngest bickering loudly nonstop and my 7yo bursts out ‘WHY IS THE QUIET OFF.’ Preach, buddy.

It was the best of times; it was the New York Times op-ed page of times.

🎶 Now I've heard there was a sandwich guy Who tossed a sub at an agent from ICE But you don't really care what kind of sandwich, do you? It goes like this, the onions, the mustard The minor stains, the tiny smirch The baffled jury acquitting, Hallelujah

A List of Things Said to Have Been Ruined by Women 🧵

“Dad, I’m starvingly thirsty” -6yo, inventing a perfectly cromulent new phrase

Not now, light of 10 trillion suns. Read the room www.nbcnews.com/science/spac...

When you open a Starburst two-pack and both are red

We could solve our global energy needs if we could harness the attracting force between newly painted surfaces and kids’ unwashed post-breakfast hands