Uh oh, now Argentina has them just where they want them. Big mistake, Spain

The schools are failing to teach the Streisand Effect, he muttered to nobody, as 7yo said to 11yo “don’t look at what I’m drawing” for the 42nd time in a row

Wow. Just noticed I hit two follower milestones today - 5,000 total followers and 100 non-bot followers. To the real peeps, thanks for the follow 🫶 To the bots, 01111100100101011001100101

Time for this one again, I guess

I called a new doctor’s office yesterday, and the receptionist answered the phone with only the single word “Hello” Straight up insanity. What are we even doing anymore?

Not now, ghost particle that traveled 11 billion light-years to reach Earth. Read the room

Hey siri, blend every Wes Anderson character into one guy

Can’t wait to show my 10yo that Mbappe just passed by while I was sitting at a traffic light

The week before vacation

Seeing the US Men’s 2026 World Cup jerseys for the first time

The ball hit the ref. Game ends. Everybody shake hands and grab some orange slices

The only thing better than Elizabeth Banks playing Ms. Frizzle would be Avery Jessup playing Ms. Frizzle

July fourth and prosper

Todos somos cabo-verdianos agora 🇨🇻🇨🇻🇨🇻

Don’t forget to check your kids’ camp backpacks tonight. Do NOT wait until Monday morning. For more on this, here’s a piece a wrote for @mcsweeneys.net a few years back

If someone retires from the office in charge of communicating excommunications, are they ex-excommunication communications?

Again, are all World Cup team coaches required to look like an understudy for the lead villain in an off broadway production of a James Bond musical?

What an absolute bullshit call

Don’t forget to do tick checks for your kids who spent the day outdoors at camp. Thank you for coming to my tick talk

Late fans jumping on the bandwagon tonight

“Is this heaven?” “No. It’s…your kids applying their own sunscreen and bug spray for camp.”

I’vvvve got a switcheroo movie idea! *muppets theme plays*

Put a hoodie on the Netherlands coach and you got yourself a respectable Bill Belichek impersonator

Grandpa, what was it like living in the Great Prediction Markets Era?

Grandpa, what was it like living in the Great Prediction Markets Era?

There are two shrimp orders inside you…

Not sure about this new FIFA rule that each team is only allowed to have one (1) decent haircut

They say the US Men's Team is an underdog. No, it is not. It is the opposite. It is an updog

*what it feels like watching the Netherlands game* “And Van Dyke passes to Val Halen who passes it on to Van Wilder who passes of back to Van Der Beek…”

This match is called Czexico. You’re welcome

In a way, all of us has a missing giraffe to face. For some, shyness might be their missing giraffe. For others, a lack of education might be their missing giraffe...

You know who would take care of this whole algae mess quick? 30 to 50 feral hogs

*World Cup planning meeting* “Ok, we need the refs to look stern. So the players take them seriously. How can do that with their uniforms?” *long silence* “What about shoulder pads?” *wild cheering and affirmative shouts*

*World Cup announcer voice* And Reflecting Pools are now up two to nil against Narcissists

Me reading the Father’s Day cards my kids made for me

Hey does anyone know if there are any Greek myths about reflecting pools and narcissists getting undone by them?

Uhhhh, quick question for the graphics department: which world do you think World Cup refers to?

In a way, all of us has a Strait of Hormuz to face. For some, shyness might be their Strait of Hormuz. For others, a lack of education might be their Strait of Hormuz...

I know we have hawks, coyotes, & foxes in our neighbrhood, b/c I’ve seen them. There are reliable reports of bobcats. I just want to say to all of them: shame. I have 1000 rabbits eating my yard & garden. They literally lie on their sides like a fucking Roman banquet. Get to work, lazy-ass predators

I know there are more possible QR codes than atoms in the universe, but using one for a Michelob Ultra player of the game still somehow feels wasteful

The reflecting pool algae, whispering: I have fronds everywhere

Settle down, Everything Bagel. You don’t even have cinamon or raisins

*Little Kickers final day of the season, setting up for kids vs parents game* Me: You’re going down! 7yo (with maximum sass): In history! Me: Wow. Devastating. Did you just make that up? 7yo: No. It’s from My Little Pony.

Wrote this World Cup piece for @mcsweeneys.net eight years ago. Relevant again!

Love that my new keyboard has that little 🔒 button up in the top corner. It's so useful for accidentally making my screen go black and giving me a momentary panic attack

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s just absolutely clear their kitchen doesn’t have an everything drawer

7yo tried to convince her kindergartener friend that it's the "Pistachio of Liberty" while 10yo took a bunch of books out of the library that he owns but can't find in his room. Good kids. Classic day of parenting

Hey, so are the murder hornets that appeared and then disappeared a few years ago gonna return to take care of the screwworms? I feel like the writers never closed that plot arc

I am but stardust That journeyed through eons to Load dishes again.