It’s 10:20 and it has been such a wild night that I just now found a dandelion my kid put in my hair four hours ago

Does anyone know where I put my Ratboys shirt?

Once again upset that you cannot DoorDash 2-3 cigarettes

I have been in group chats with better OPSEC than this administration.

I often feel weird being, like, "This Trans Day of Visibility, purchase my book!!" but publishing mass market fiction is the most visible thing I do, so... Plus a lot of people like it! You might as well! Hardcover and ebook out now; paperback in May. bookshop.org/p/books/wood...

Just found out there is a ghost at The Stanley Hotel who cleans up the rooms for married couples but terrorizes unmarried couples, and I just know this would throw 90s church moms into a tailspin.

Unfortunately for Snail Mail, the ending of "Dead End" is a little too similar to the "na na na nananana"s in "Every Move I Make" by David Crowder band for my personal comfort.

The thing about cardio is it could die in a hole for all I care. Anyway, 5k done. Clock it.

“Communion: I Can’t Get It”

Sent my tattoo artist an inquiry in case he’s interested in my next piece even though it’s not really his style and now I’m staring at a wall worried he hates me and is going to tell everyone he knows how lame I am

No high like the high of when you see someone with known good taste recommending something you recommended to them

Obsessed with Robyn dropping a Don’t Mess with the Zohan reference in 2026 and also making it rhyme with “boner”

Trader Joe’s was out of their firming body butter. Expect sags.

A quick thank you to the woman at the jeweler’s who treated me with respect two minutes before i got into the car and realized my chin as still dotted with thin mint crumbs

In my heart of hearts, I really do believe I could make Cosmo Kramer’s lobster shirt work on me

Sometimes I do mourn feeling the significance of religious holidays

The issue with weekends is that at a certain point, it’s just unloading a dishwasher a million times

Watching Space Jam with the kids, and as the aliens absorbed the talent of the professional players and transformed into giant beasts, my son goes, “that’s how you know it’s fake. They all have the same jersey number.”

I think this is what they mean when they call them Velcro dogs

I wasn’t prepared for that moment in my mid-30s when I suddenly became feral for balding men with graying beards and kind eyes

So much of parenthood is just another more experienced parent or caretaker telling you “oh that’s normal”

Every time I see one of those “straight ally” bumper stickers, all I can hear is the Popstar line “I’m not gay but if I was I would want equal rights.”

Paul Michael Glaser, aka Starsky! his wife Elizabeth Glaser was an AIDS activist until her premature death

You should have a kid so they, too, can ask you if an Easter egg hunt is where you’re an egg and they’re hunting you

Fuck it. Here are my top mad men moments. 1. Lawnmower 2. “Beatles” ending 3. The Suitcase (all of it) 4. “I can’t wait until you’re all in Vietnam.” 5 Shut the Door, Have a Seat (all of it) 6. Don and Lane go to the movies 7. Roger on LSD 8. “It’s a carousel”

Air frying fluffernutters if you even care

Letting this game give me reasons to hate Cooper Flagg beyond just “goatee”

Informed my husband there was no Shazam movie with Sinbad. Gonna give him a minute.

My husband and I haven’t worn rings for over a decade. He just came in wearing his, and it’s such a mindfuck that all I can think is, “oh my god you never told me you were married”

Neo-folk musician with allegations

Obsessed with how much his barber hates him. Obsessed.

Now we're crucifying Mario? Chris Pratt must be stopped

One thing you realize about being a parent is that there is a such thing as purgatory and it exists at the end of every “family-friendly” spot when you are trying to gather your children while quickly realizing you actually can never leave

Aren’t we all??

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here, also hating me. And then we form a friendship birthed out of shared hatred of me. But then, I go to therapy and uncover ways to love myself, and because of all of our bonding, you learn how to love me, too. And then we kiss.

What I listened to this week

I’ve been so entertained by the quote posts that I didn’t even realize I typed “I have a curt”

I have lived a million lives since this morning. I have rolled my ankle. I have spent an hour and a half at the pediatrician. I’m now at the grocery store where my middle has yelled the earth is flat and also the Easter bunny is probably me.

Jesus Christ. This is your guy???

I would get into baseball, but it’s hard when St. Louis doesn’t have a team :/

My youngest came in and asked if I wanted money to help him build a house, and I’m like, is that my money? And he goes, “no, I got it from a leprechaun.”

I love the idea of my pediatrician having a sick-visit waiting room separate from the well-child check waiting room until they’re like, “well, this skin issue your child has qualifies you for the germy section. See you again in 2-3 days”

This is so incredibly good

There is a very good reason, and it is absolutely dependent on the candidate’s age: Young people (in this case anyone under, say, 55) deserve the opportunity to lead. Democracy is a shared endeavor. You can’t teach a society the virtue of sharing by clinging to power literally until you die.

Just found out Ryan Coogler was inspired to make Sinners after watching the 2001 Disney channel original movie Luck of the Irish, which, yeah, makes sense

I think I’ve already said this but I don’t care. “What’s Right” by Ratboys makes me understand what a dog experiences when you scratch them behind the ear

My Qobuz is being SO BUGGY today, and as God’s strongest Qobuz evangelist I’m getting so mad about it