Just saw an ad for Valentine’s Day shopping and the TURKEY ISN’T EVEN THAWED YET.

Wiping my 3yo’s butt, he caught a glimpse of the wipe & goes ‘EWWWW, mom that’s disgusting!’ My brother in christ, you’re the one who baked it.

I’m sorry, I have to cancel, I agreed to those plans while ovulating and I’m not that person anymore.

Friend: what are you eating? Me: protein bar. Friend: that looks like a cheese quesadilla. Me: exactly. protein bar.

Ahh Friday night, time to pop open a fresh *one! *set of repressed memories

Love when people say ‘just whenever you have time.’ If I waited till I actually *had* time, nothing would ever get done.

My favorite part about having kids is, no matter their mood, they always listen the first time I ask them to do something. And now that we’re all laughing, what kind of chocolate pairs best with repressed rage?

What’s the longest your kid has had a tantrum? Currently sitting at about 37 minutes.

It’s officially sweats season. Am I wearing a bra? Maybe. Underwear? You’ll never know. Shaved my legs this week? Absolutely not. ‘TIS THE SEASON.

Speech therapist: What do you do if your brother or sister is sad? My 5yo: It’s probably because I hit them.

Girls be like ‘I needed this,’ and it’s just a cup of coffee while wrapped in a cozy blanket with a book on a rainy day.

Is banana bread cake or bread? Settle a debate.

Physically I’m okay, mentally I just sneezed with wet mascara on.

Stuck in the car with my two youngest bickering loudly nonstop and my 7yo bursts out ‘WHY IS THE QUIET OFF.’ Preach, buddy.

If I die suddenly, just know it was from cracking a joke at the absolute worst moment or trying to ‘ps ps ps’ a wild animal.

87% of parenting is just trying to complete daily tasks before your kids lose their shit.

Never had an aneurysm, but I once walked into the kitchen to find my mother in law washing raw chicken in the sink then plopping it straight onto my wooden cutting board.

Marriage is trusting someone enough to pay the bills on time but not to clean the kitchen properly.

‘The layers on that cake are 𝙨𝙤 uneven and the chocolate will 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 set in time’, I scoff at the tv while wearing the same sweatpants as yesterday, finishing the reject Halloween candy, and shaking tortilla chip crumbs into my mouth.

I put whipped cream on my coffee today and for approximately 45 seconds, I had hope.

My toddler sure has bold opinions for someone who can’t wipe their own butt.

Overheard a mom tell her uncooperative 4ish year old kid to ‘stop arguing semantics’ and her kid just argued louder. Ma’am what outcome were you expecting.

Therapist: have you been practicing stress management techniques? Me: *sipping a $7 coffee as my phone vibrates with a shipped notification* Absolutely.

If you need a good cry, go sit in a dentist’s chair and have them tell you what they’re charging even though you have insurance.

Go ahead, have a little breakdown in the car while you’re sitting in the driveway. As a treat.

Now I’m being told that using gifs is ‘cringecore coded’ and all I have to say is that you can pry gifs from my cold, dead, millennial hands.

For Halloween this year, I’m going as a car seat that has to be taken apart, washed, and reinstalled.

Best friend: *helping me dig a hole* so tell me again what happened? Me: he said ‘it’s just putting clothes in bags,’ when I said I was overwhelmed with packing for our trip with 3 young kids.

My kids left something stinky in my car that I can’t find, but I spilled coffee in there yesterday, so I can’t smell it anymore and I’m calling that a win.

You ever get so much accomplished in a day that you’re like wow, I’m almost like a real adult.

Teen me: I can’t wait to be older and sophisticated. Me in my 30s: laughing at a ‘that’s what she said’ joke, but with back pain.

Hour 6 into a 12 hour road trip with my kids and the volume control is broken. The noise is from my kids, but still.

My kid: hey, mom look! Me: buddy, I can’t look right now. Kid: WHY DO YOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO ME?! Me, merging onto the highway:

My favorite childhood memory is not ever having to think about protein.

I grew up being a bedroom kid so I tried to raise living room kids, and accidentally made ‘directly up my ass’ kids.

20s me: spends hours meticulously applying makeup and doing hair. 30s me: dry shampoo day 2… or is it 3?

I love that the same people who were throwing it 🎶to the window, to the wall🎶 in school, are now clutching their pearls over Taylor Swift, a 35 year old woman, singing about wood.

Is it period bloat or have I gained 7 pounds? -a fun game women play every month.

Buy all the stuffed animals you want but my toddler went to sleep cuddling the pumpkin he got at the pumpkin patch today.

Just tweaked my neck doing a double take at some furniture on the side of the road and I don’t know what level of adulting this is, but I’m not into it.

Birthdays as a kid: ooooh presents! Birthdays as a mom: oooh look at all these great gift bags I can save!

My flowerbeds aren't overgrown, they're channeling spooky, abandoned vibes for Halloween.

Me: Okay, now five words that start with the letter F? 5yo: five, fart, the f-word… Me:

“You look happier.” Thanks, I’ve stopped sweating, the leaves are changing, and the bugs are returning to hell where they belong.

I’m at the stage of parenthood where all I want is to pick my house up and shake everything into a dumpster.

*hears me opening a tampon* 2yo: Ooooh candy! 4yo: that’s not candy that’s for mommy’s BUTT! 7yo: *chuckles* he said ‘butt.’ Me:

Friend: I need some advice. Me shaking from caffeine, with a bugle on each finger: *witchy voice* you’ve come to the right place, my pretty.

Saw a shirt that said ‘food vibes’ and it took me several moments to realize it actually said ‘good vibes.’ I feel like that says a lot about me as a person.

Me: *gets out of the shower, lotions, skincare, hair products, drying hair…* My 7yo: Mommy, you’re a lot of work.

Me, a 34 year old suburban stay at home mom of three who hasn’t had a drink in 10 years: “I’LL BE YOUR FATHER FIGURE, I’LL DRINK THAT BROWN LIQUOR, I CAN MAKE DEALS WITH THE DEVIL BECAUSE MY D*CK’S BIGGER.”