I tried to toss a piece of cereal into my mouth and threw it right past my head but feel free to take advice from me

One sleeve of girl scout cookies is a serving, correct?

This winter air has my skin so dry I need someone to come roll me in a paint tray full of lotion.

“Be his peace.” Unfortunately I am insane.

Falling into the abyss, does anyone need anything?

My mom recently moved in with us. Today my 7yo said to me, in his most serious voice, ‘when it’s YOUR turn to live with me I know I just need to feed you diet coke and chocolate.’ This is my dream retirement.

Okay folks, please approach February with extreme caution. Let it sniff your hand first.

I used to pregame then roll into the bar at 10pm but now if it involves leaving my couch after 7pm I’m not going.

My only fit check is checking that these sweatpants still fit everyday.

Some of y’all just do not know how to behave in a parking lot

Me: there aren’t enough hours in the day. Also me: *43 hours deep in Nate the Hoof Guy videos at 1am*

As someone with adhd I should warn you that you cannot trust me with a clean, horizontal surface. I will immediately start a pile. It’s inevitable.

Movie theater employee: Sorry ma’am, you can’t bring that in here. Me: it’s just a protein bar. Employee: that’s an entire rotisserie chicken. Me: exactly. Protein bar.

Asked my 5yo to go wash the sugar off her face. She stares at my face, points to every single pimple one by one and says, ‘but YOU wash your face and you STILL have... all… these.’ She’s not wrong and I hate it here.

You’ve hit peak parenthood when you’re cleaning up pee in the middle of the night and genuinely think ‘at least it’s not puke.’

‘This is the worse day of my life.’ - my kid when asked to do one simple task.

There is nothing that makes violating the law while trying to enforce the law acceptable. Hope this helps!

I hate people but I also care very deeply so you can see my conundrum.

My 5yo just stopped mid-play, said ‘hold on one second,’ walked outside, slid the door closed, and screamed at the top of his lungs. Valid. Carry on, king.

Someone said MySpace scene is coming back, so if you’ll excuse me I’ll be digging out my hot pink cheetah print straighter, studded belt, fingerless gloves and practicing my sideways peace sign.

What are y’all wearing to the collapse of civilization? Can I wear leggings?

Nobody mentioned that a large portion of adulthood is just making piles, moving piles, and occasionally losing entire piles. The piles always win.

The year is 2000. I’m forced to clean my room and I unearth a long lost Limited Too wallet with $64 of birthday money inside. I beg my mom to drive me to Walmart. I walk out with a shiny new boombox, Oops! I Did It Again, and Millennium on CD. Pure bliss. Life is good.

My 4yo yelled from the bathroom that he had a surprise for me. The surprise was him charging me to wipe his butt. Pretty much sums up the economy tbh.

She believed she could but her bed was so cozy and the floor was too cold, so she didn’t.

‘There is no ‘we’ in tacos,’ I said lovingly, sliding the last one to my side of the table.

My 7yo forgot the word for spit and called it ‘tongue juice’. Tongue. Juice. I will never recover.

Me (plucking petals): he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.. My therapist: *aggressively scribbles* Me: oooh what was your guess?

Me: I hate the internet, it’s all garbage and manipulation. Also me when I scroll past an ad labeled ‘gifts for people who are always tired’: oooooh! *immediately clicks*

Sometimes when I’m depressed I just watch Tom Holland lip sync Rihanna’s Umbrella.

I’m sorry I can’t hear a word you’re saying, I just washed my hands and now the hair tie on my wrist is aggressively moist.

Therapist: have you been taking time for reflection? Me, thinking about the 30 minutes I spent staring at the wall last night while questioning every decision I’ve ever made: absolutely. Very intentional

I don’t understand people who pop out of bed the minute they wake up. I need a solid 20 minute existential buffer before I become vertical.

If you’re reading this then you made it through another 24 hours of existing. Buy the cup of coffee. Splurge on the sweatpants. Those leggings ARE really nice. Ice cream doesn’t have calories when it’s for your mental health. Go sparkle, you beautiful thing.

New parent: what’s the one piece of advice you wish you’d gotten? Me: *takes a long drag off a cigarette* have a seat. Now, there are 87 distinct ways a child can weaponize poop, let’s start with the bathtub.

It's not depression, it's just me having an intensely committed situationship with my bed

I miss who I was before the Peppa Pig theme song played in my head 87 hours a day.

All I want is some coffee but the universe keeps aggressively chucking lemons at my head.

My 2yo just shuffled in and plopped down in her little toddler sized chair with a sigh like she's had the longest day of her life. She's been alive for 820 days and she's already over it.

The people who don’t put their carts in the cart return are the same people who didn’t rewind a VHS before returning it to Blockbuster.

My 5yo didn’t immediately run to the window to watch the garbage truck go by today so if you’ll excuse me I’ll be sobbing into his baby onesies

I won’t be impressed with technology until I yell ‘Marco’ and my lost phone actually yells back ‘Polo.’

Friend: I drink sparkling protein water when I'm not in the mood to eat. 
Me: *trying to recall a single time I wasn't in the mood to eat*

There are 6 people in my family yet somehow 837 dirty towels every week. We have 2 bathrooms. Do the math. Actually don’t. It hurts.

I was helping my 7yo with school and asked where his pencil was, he looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘up your butt and around the corner.’ I’ve never been so proud.

My 3yo is currently mad at me because I flushed his poop before he had a chance to say goodbye.

All 3 of my kids are whining at the same time. This is it. This is how I go.

Friend: what are you eating? Me: protein bar. Friend: that looks like a reese’s egg wrapper. Me: exactly. protein bar.

Physically I'm fine. Mentally I've stepped in a puddle with socks on.

I reorganized my bathroom cabinets and now every time I open them I get a little dopamine rush. I used to be young and cool.