Not me digging through old boxes looking for my Walkman because Taylor Swift’s new album is on cassette…

Told my daughter that she needed to clean her room when she got home which resulted in a tantrum. On the fly, I said that hoarding isn’t good whether it’s old things in her room or big feelings for things that aren’t important. This got her to calm down and I’d like my parenting trophy sent asap.

There are two types of people: one that starts a conversation immediately after waking up, and one that can’t human until coffee has hit their veins; and they marry each other.

My husband: If the dog does something wrong, you need to let them know. That’s how they learn. Her, 9 (to the dog): You are a disgrace! Is this how you wanna live your life?! Me: 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’ve never been good at perfecting the “compliment sandwich.” The best you’re gonna get is “you are a total twat waffle, but you are the best at being a twat waffle.” Does that count? 

Of all the things my daughter is learning in 3rd grade, spelling “sundial” might be the least applicable. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid square dancing, and I actively resent the recorder—but at least those come up occasionally. The need to spell “sundial” does not.

Have you ever been on your period and had DoorDash bring you candy or are you normal?

All dentists should have a puppy prize box.

Going to name my next dog Boobs so I can shout things like “Boobs, come back” and “I love my baby Boobs.”

I don’t always make the right choice, but when I don’t, still make me feel like I did.

Girl math is having 5 less 3oz toiletry bottles to pack for a trip home then buying 7 new shirts.

At the airport and a woman is screaming into her phone that the person on the other end is a liar. Love really is all around.

Friendly reminder to anyone with or thinking about having kids- they will, indeed play hot cross buns on the recorder at some point. It must be the same lesson that mirrors the necessity of square dancing.

I don’t need therapy. I need a dog rescue to let me have a puppy cuddle puddle for an hour a week and I’ll be right as rain.

Her, 9: I googled you and found a picture from when you were pregnant. Me: What picture? *proceeds to Google myself* Her: Yeah! That one! Me: You were 6 when then photo was taken…

The only place where Peeps belong is the trash and this is a hill I will die on.

“Which is worse? A narc or a narcissist?” My 8yr old making small talk with family friends

It’s ok stock market. I like to crash every now and then too.

Will no longer be saying “this isn’t rocket science” due to concerns about people that are, in fact, rocket scientists.

*Text from my younger and only sibling* Her: Dude, 2nd children are fucking nuts. Me: Glad you finally agree after all these years.

Not to brag but I can safely assume that the $15M in revenue that Target has lost is from me not shopping there in over a month.

When you’re trying to help someone name their unborn child and you inadvertently start listing off Housewives..

PSA: You can’t be a child of god and wish harm on others. Full stop.

Craving something sweet today. Might get some revenge later on.

Me: This bar sucks. Them: This is your office.

Don’t send me an email that starts with “warm greetings” unless you know I’m on a beach somewhere.

One does not simply buy a cyber truck. One is allotted to you as part of your bad karma.

My daughter insisted that my husband sleep in her room last night, so I spent the morning playing Jolene on repeat.

I don’t judge wealth in how much money you have. I judge it by how many Taylor Swift concerts you have attended.

“I’ve never made out with a 42 year old before. Be gentle”  -My husband‘s attempt at being romantic on my birthday 

In my obituary, I’d like to request that “in lieu of flowers, please send literally anything else. Vodka. Cash. Food.” My loved ones thank you.

From now on, all coasters will be known as “alcohol cookies.”

I’m not running. Not even if I’m being chanced. I will fall to the ground in the fetal position. If it’s my time, it’s my destiny.

Girl math is counting down the hours until you can workout after Botox.

I’m just a girl, laying next to a boy, asking him to stop snoring so I can get some motherfucking sleep

Huge props to people that are doing dry January. I just don’t have the willpower to raw dog my life.

My husband bought me a key lime pie (one of my faves) as a thank you for not making him socialize this weekend, in case you were wondering how we function as a couple.

There should be a support group for families who play Monopoly together.

Where are the people that support women? Looking for the good peeps out there. Sound off! 🩷

Trump wanted me to be in his cabinet but rescinded the offer when he discovered I didn’t have a criminal record.

Ok let’s give this a whirl